Chapter IX: The Tournament

by Mark Twain

　　They were always having grand tournaments thereat Camelot; and very stirring and picturesqueand ridiculous human bull-fights they were, too, butjust a little wearisome to the practical mind. However, I was generally on hand -- for two reasons: aman must not hold himself aloof from the things whichhis friends and his community have at heart if hewould be liked -- especially as a statesman; and bothas business man and statesman I wanted to study thetournament and see if I couldn't invent an improvement on it. That reminds me to remark, in passing,that the very first official thing I did, in my administration -- and it was on the very first day of it, too --was to start a patent office; for I knew that a countrywithout a patent office and good patent laws was justa crab, and couldn't travel any way but sideways orbackways.Things ran along, a tournament nearly every week;and now and then the boys used to want me to take ahand -- I mean Sir Launcelot and the rest -- but Isaid I would by and by; no hurry yet, and too muchgovernment machinery to oil up and set to rights andstart a-going.We had one tournament which was continued fromday to day during more than a week, and as many asfive hundred knights took part in it, from first to last.They were weeks gathering. They came on horsebackfrom everywhere; from the very ends of the country,and even from beyond the sea; and many broughtladies, and all brought squires and troops of servants.It was a most gaudy and gorgeous crowd, as to costumery, and very characteristic of the country and thetime, in the way of high animal spirits, innocent indecencies of language, and happy-hearted indifference tomorals. It was fight or look on, all day and everyday; and sing, gamble, dance, carouse half the nightevery night. They had a most noble good time. Younever saw such people. Those banks of beautifulladies, shining in their barbaric splendors, would seea knight sprawl from his horse in the lists with a lanceshaft the thickness of your ankle clean through himand the blood spouting, and instead of fainting theywould clap their hands and crowd each other for abetter view; only sometimes one would dive into herhandkerchief, and look ostentatiously broken-hearted,and then you could lay two to one that there was ascandal there somewhere and she was afraid the publichadn't found it out.The noise at night would have been annoying to meordinarily, but I didn't mind it in the present circumstances, because it kept me from hearing the quacksdetaching legs and arms from the day's cripples.They ruined an uncommon good old cross-cut saw forme, and broke the saw-buck, too, but I let it pass.And as for my axe -- well, I made up my mind thatthe next time I lent an axe to a surgeon I would pickmy century.I not only watched this tournament from day to day,but detailed an intelligent priest from my Departmentof Public Morals and Agriculture, and ordered him toreport it; for it was my purpose by and by, when Ishould have gotten the people along far enough, tostart a newspaper. The first thing you want in a newcountry, is a patent office; then work up your schoolsystem; and after that, out with your paper. Anewspaper has its faults, and plenty of them, but nomatter, it's hark from the tomb for a dead nation, anddon't you forget it. You can't resurrect a dead nationwithout it; there isn't any way. So I wanted tosample things, and be finding out what sort of reportermaterial I might be able to rake together out of thesixth century when I should come to need it.Well, the priest did very well, considering. He gotin all the details, and that is a good thing in a localitem: you see, he had kept books for the undertakerdepartment of his church when he was younger,and there, you know, the money's in the details; themore details, the more swag: bearers, mutes, candles,prayers -- everything counts; and if the bereaved don'tbuy prayers enough you mark up your candles with aforked pencil, and your bill shows up all right. Andhe had a good knack at getting in the complimentarything here and there about a knight that was likely toadvertise -- no, I mean a knight that had influence;and he also had a neat gift of exaggeration, for in histime he had kept door for a pious hermit who lived ina sty and worked miracles.Of course this novice's report lacked whoop andcrash and lurid description, and therefore wanted thetrue ring; but its antique wording was quaint andsweet and simple, and full of the fragrances and flavorsof the time, and these little merits made up in a measure for its more important lacks. Here is an extractfrom it:Then Sir Brian de les Isles and Grummore Grummorsum,knights of the castle, encountered with Sir Aglovale andSir Tor, and Sir Tor smote down Sir Grummore Grummorsumto the earth. Then came Sir Carados of the doloroustower, and Sir Turquine, knights of the castle, andthere encountered with them Sir Percivale de Galisand Sir Lamorak de Galis, that were two brethren, andthere encountered Sir Percivale with Sir Carados, andeither brake their spears unto their hands, and thenSir Turquine with Sir Lamorak, and either of them smotedown other, horse and all, to the earth, and eitherparties rescued other and horsed them again. And SirArnold, and Sir Gauter, knights of the castle,encountered with Sir Brandiles and Sir Kay, and thesefour knights encountered mightily, and brake theirspears to their hands. Then came Sir Pertolope fromthe castle, and there encountered with him Sir Lionel,and there Sir Pertolope the green knight smote down SirLionel, brother to Sir Launcelot. All this was markedby noble heralds, who bare him best, and their names.Then Sir Bleobaris brake his spear upon Sir Gareth,but of that stroke Sir Bleobaris fell to the earth.When Sir Galihodin saw that, he bad Sir Gareth keep him,and Sir Gareth smote him to the earth. Then Sir Galihudgat a spear to avenge his brother, and in the same wiseSir Gareth served him, and Sir Dinadan and his brotherLa Cote Male Taile, and Sir Sagramore le Disirous, andSir Dodinas le Savage; all these he bare down with onespear. When King Aswisance of Ireland saw Sir Garethfare so he marvelled what he might be, that one timeseemed green, and another time, at his again coming,he seemed blue. And thus at every course that he rodeto and fro he changed his color, so that there mightneither king nor knight have ready cognizance of him.Then Sir Agwisance the King of Ireland encounteredwith Sir Gareth, and there Sir Gareth smote him fromhis horse, saddle and all. And then came King Caradosof Scotland, and Sir Gareth smote him down horse andman. And in the same wise he served King Uriens of theland of Gore. And then there came in Six Bagdemagus,and Sir Gareth smote him down horse and man to theearth. And Bagdemagus's son Meliganus brake a spearupon Sir Gareth mightily and knightly. And then SirGalahault the noble prince cried on high, Knight withthe many colors, well hast thou justed; now make theeready that I may just with thee. Sir Gareth heard him,and he gat a great spear, and so they encounteredtogether, and there the prince brake his spear; but SirGareth smote him upon the left side of the helm, thathe reeled here and there, and he had fallen down had nothis men recovered him. Truly, said King Arthur, thatknight with the many colors is a good knight. Whereforethe king called unto him Sir Launcelot, and prayed himto encounter with that knight. Sir, said Launcelot, Imay as well find in my heart for to forbear him atthis time, for he hath had travail enough this day, andwhen a good knight doth so well upon some day, it isno good knight's part to let him of his worship, and,namely, when he seeth a knight hath done so greatlabour; for peradventure, said Sir Launcelot, hisquarrel is here this day, and peradventure he is bestbeloved with this lady of all that be here, for I seewell he paineth himself and enforceth him to do greatdeeds, and therefore, said Sir Launcelot, as for me,this day he shall have the honour; though it lay in mypower to put him from it, I would not.There was an unpleasant little episode that day,which for reasons of state I struck out of my priest'sreport. You will have noticed that Garry was doingsome great fighting in the engagement. When I sayGarry I mean Sir Gareth. Garry was my private petname for him; it suggests that I had a deep affectionfor him, and that was the case. But it was a privatepet name only, and never spoken aloud to any one,much less to him; being a noble, he would not haveendured a familiarity like that from me. Well, to proceed: I sat in the private box set apart for me as theking's minister. While Sir Dinadan was waiting forhis turn to enter the lists, he came in there and satdown and began to talk; for he was always making upto me, because I was a stranger and he liked to have afresh market for his jokes, the most of them havingreached that stage of wear where the teller has to dothe laughing himself while the other person looks sick.I had always responded to his efforts as well as Icould, and felt a very deep and real kindness for him,too, for the reason that if by malice of fate he knewthe one particular anecdote which I had heard oftenestand had most hated and most loathed all my life, hehad at least spared it me. It was one which I hadheard attributed to every humorous person who hadever stood on American soil, from Columbus down toArtemus Ward. It was about a humorous lecturerwho flooded an ignorant audience with the killingestjokes for an hour and never got a laugh; and thenwhen he was leaving, some gray simpletons wrung himgratefully by the hand and said it had been the funniestthing they had ever heard, and "it was all they coulddo to keep from laughin' right out in meetin'." Thatanecdote never saw the day that it was worth the telling;and yet I had sat under the telling of it hundreds andthousands and millions and billions of times, and criedand cursed all the way through. Then who can hopeto know what my feelings were, to hear this armorplated ass start in on it again, in the murky twilight oftradition, before the dawn of history, while evenLactantius might be referred to as "the late Lactantius," and the Crusades wouldn't be born for fivehundred years yet? Just as he finished, the call-boycame; so, haw-hawing like a demon, he went rattlingand clanking out like a crate of loose castings, and Iknew nothing more. It was some minutes before Icame to, and then I opened my eyes just in time tosee Sir Gareth fetch him an awful welt, and I unconsciously out with the prayer, "I hope to gracious he'skilled!" But by ill-luck, before I had got half throughwith the words, Sir Gareth crashed into Sir Sagramorle Desirous and sent him thundering over his horse'scrupper, and Sir Sagramor caught my remark andthought I meant it for him.Well, whenever one of those people got a thing intohis head, there was no getting it out again. I knewthat, so I saved my breath, and offered no explanations. As soon as Sir Sagramor got well, he notifiedme that there was a little account to settle between us,and he named a day three or four years in the future;place of settlement, the lists where the offense hadbeen given. I said I would be ready when he gotback. You see, he was going for the Holy Grail.The boys all took a flier at the Holy Grail now andthen. It was a several years' cruise. They alwaysput in the long absence snooping around, in the mostconscientious way, though none of them had any ideawhere the Holy Grail really was, and I don't think anyof them actually expected to find it, or would haveknown what to do with it if he had run across it.You see, it was just the Northwest Passage of thatday, as you may say; that was all. Every year expeditions went out holy grailing, and next year reliefexpeditions went out to hunt for them. There wasworlds of reputation in it, but no money. Why, theyactually wanted me to put in! Well, I should smile.