Chapter XIV: "Defend Thee, Lord"

by Mark Twain

　　I paid three pennies for my breakfast, and a mostextravagant price it was, too, seeing that one couldhave breakfasted a dozen persons for that money; butI was feeling good by this time, and I had always beena kind of spendthrift anyway; and then these peoplehad wanted to give me the food for nothing, scant astheir provision was, and so it was a grateful pleasure toemphasize my appreciation and sincere thankfulnesswith a good big financial lift where the money woulddo so much more good than it would in my helmet,where, these pennies being made of iron and not stintedin weight, my half-dollar's worth was a good deal of aburden to me. I spent money rather too freely inthose days, it is true; but one reason for it was that Ihadn't got the proportions of things entirely adjusted,even yet, after so long a sojourn in Britain -- hadn'tgot along to where I was able to absolutely realize thata penny in Arthur's land and a couple of dollars inConnecticut were about one and the same thing: justtwins, as you may say, in purchasing power. If mystart from Camelot could have been delayed a very fewdays I could have paid these people in beautiful newcoins from our own mint, and that would have pleasedme; and them, too, not less. I had adopted theAmerican values exclusively. In a week or two now,cents, nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars, andalso a trifle of gold, would be trickling in thin butsteady streams all through the commercial veins of thekingdom, and I looked to see this new blood freshen upits life.The farmers were bound to throw in something, tosort of offset my liberality, whether I would or no; soI let them give me a flint and steel; and as soon asthey had comfortably bestowed Sandy and me on ourhorse, I lit my pipe. When the first blast of smokeshot out through the bars of my helmet, all thosepeople broke for the woods, and Sandy went overbackwards and struck the ground with a dull thud.They thought I was one of those fire-belching dragonsthey had heard so much about from knights and otherprofessional liars. I had infinite trouble to persuadethose people to venture back within explaining distance.Then I told them that this was only a bit of enchantment which would work harm to none but my enemies.And I promised, with my hand on my heart, that if allwho felt no enmity toward me would come forward andpass before me they should see that only those who remained behind would be struck dead. The processionmoved with a good deal of promptness. There were nocasualties to report, for nobody had curiosity enoughto remain behind to see what would happen.I lost some time, now, for these big children, theirfears gone, became so ravished with wonder over myawe-compelling fireworks that I had to stay there andsmoke a couple of pipes out before they would let mego. Still the delay was not wholly unproductive, forit took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted tothe new thing, she being so close to it, you know. Itplugged up her conversation mill, too, for a considerable while, and that was a gain. But above all otherbenefits accruing, I had learned something. I wasready for any giant or any ogre that might come along,now.We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and myopportunity came about the middle of the next afternoon. We were crossing a vast meadow by way ofshort-cut, and I was musing absently, hearing nothing,seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted a remark which she had begun that morning, with the cry:"Defend thee, lord! -- peril of life is toward!"And she slipped down from the horse and ran a littleway and stood. I looked up and saw, far off in theshade of a tree, half a dozen armed knights and theirsquires; and straightway there was bustle among themand tightening of saddle-girths for the mount. Mypipe was ready and would have been lit, if I had notbeen lost in thinking about how to banish oppressionfrom this land and restore to all its people their stolenrights and manhood without disobliging anybody. I litup at once, and by the time I had got a good head ofreserved steam on, here they came. All together, too;none of those chivalrous magnanimities which onereads so much about -- one courtly rascal at a time, andthe rest standing by to see fair play. No, they camein a body, they came with a whirr and a rush, theycame like a volley from a battery; came with heads lowdown, plumes streaming out behind, lances advanced ata level. It was a handsome sight, a beautiful sight --for a man up a tree. I laid my lance in rest and waited,with my heart beating, till the iron wave was just readyto break over me, then spouted a column of whitesmoke through the bars of my helmet. You shouldhave seen the wave go to pieces and scatter! This wasa finer sight than the other one.But these people stopped, two or three hundredyards away, and this troubled me. My satisfactioncollapsed, and fear came; I judged I was a lost man.But Sandy was radiant; and was going to be eloquent --but I stopped her, and told her my magic had miscarried, somehow or other, and she must mount, withall despatch, and we must ride for life. No, shewouldn't. She said that my enchantment had disabledthose knights; they were not riding on, because theycouldn't; wait, they would drop out of their saddlespresently, and we would get their horses and harness.I could not deceive such trusting simplicity, so I saidit was a mistake; that when my fireworks killed at all,they killed instantly; no, the men would not die, therewas something wrong about my apparatus, I couldn'ttell what; but we must hurry and get away, for thosepeople would attack us again, in a minute. Sandylaughed, and said:"Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! SirLauncelot will give battle to dragons, and will abide bythem, and will assail them again, and yet again, andstill again, until he do conquer and destroy them; andso likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovale and SirCarados, and mayhap others, but there be none elsethat will venture it, let the idle say what the idle will.And, la, as to yonder base rufflers, think ye they havenot their fill, but yet desire more?""Well, then, what are they waiting for? Whydon't they leave? Nobody's hindering. Good land,I'm willing to let bygones be bygones, I'm sure.""Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that.They dream not of it, no, not they. They wait toyield them.""Come -- really, is that 'sooth' -- as you peoplesay? If they want to, why don't they?""It would like them much; but an ye wot howdragons are esteemed, ye would not hold them blamable. They fear to come.""Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and --""Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming.I will go."And she did. She was a handy person to havealong on a raid. I would have considered this a doubtful errand, myself. I presently saw the knights ridingaway, and Sandy coming back. That was a relief. Ijudged she had somehow failed to get the first innings-- I mean in the conversation; otherwise the interviewwouldn't have been so short. But it turned out thatshe had managed the business well; in fact, admirably.She said that when she told those people I was TheBoss, it hit them where they lived: "smote them sorewith fear and dread" was her word; and then theywere ready to put up with anything she might require.So she swore them to appear at Arthur's court withintwo days and yield them, with horse and harness, andbe my knights henceforth, and subject to my command.How much better she managed that thing than I shouldhave done it myself! She was a daisy.