Chapter XIX: Knight-Errantry as a Trade

by Mark Twain

　　Sandy and I were on the road again, next morning, bright and early. It was so good to open upone's lungs and take in whole luscious barrels-ful ofthe blessed God's untainted, dew-fashioned, woodlandscented air once more, after suffocating body and mindfor two days and nights in the moral and physicalstenches of that intolerable old buzzard-roost!mean, for me: of course the place was all right andagreeable enough for Sandy, for she had been used tohigh life all her days.Poor girl, her jaws had had a wearisome rest nowfor a while, and I was expecting to get the consequences. I was right; but she had stood by me mosthelpfully in the castle, and had mightily supported andreinforced me with gigantic foolishnesses which wereworth more for the occasion than wisdoms doubletheir size; so I thought she had earned a right to workher mill for a while, if she wanted to, and I felt not apang when she started it up:"Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with thedamsel of thirty winter of age southward --""Are you going to see if you can work up anotherhalf-stretch on the trail of the cowboys, Sandy?""Even so, fair my lord.""Go ahead, then. I won't interrupt this time, if Ican help it. Begin over again; start fair, and shakeout all your reefs, and I will load my pipe and givegood attention.""Now turn we unto Sir Marhaus that rode with thedamsel of thirty winter of age southward. And sothey came into a deep forest, and by fortune they werenighted, and rode along in a deep way, and at the lastthey came into a courtelage where abode the duke ofSouth Marches, and there they asked harbour. Andon the morn the duke sent unto Sir Marhaus, and badhim make him ready. And so Sir Marhaus arose andarmed him, and there was a mass sung afore him, andhe brake his fast, and so mounted on horseback in thecourt of the castle, there they should do the battle.So there was the duke already on horseback, cleanarmed, and his six sons by him, and every each had aspear in his hand, and so they encountered, whereasthe duke and his two sons brake their spears uponhim, but Sir Marhaus held up his spear and touchednone of them. Then came the four sons by couples,and two of them brake their spears, and so did theother two. And all this while Sir Marhaus touchedthem not. Then Sir Marhaus ran to the duke, andsmote him with his spear that horse and man fell tothe earth. And so he served his sons. And then SirMarhaus alight down, and bad the duke yield him orelse he would slay him. And then some of his sonsrecovered, and would have set upon Sir Marhaus.Then Sir Marhaus said to the duke, Cease thy sons, orelse I will do the uttermost to you all. When theduke saw he might not escape the death, he cried tohis sons, and charged them to yield them to Sir Marhaus. And they kneeled all down and put the pommels of their swords to the knight, and so he receivedthem. And then they holp up their father, and so bytheir common assent promised unto Sir Marhaus neverto be foes unto King Arthur, and thereupon at Whitsuntide after, to come he and his sons, and put themin the king's grace. *[* Footnote: The story is borrowed, language andall, from the Morte d'Arthur. --M.T.]"Even so standeth the history, fair Sir Boss. Nowye shall wit that that very duke and his six sons arethey whom but few days past you also did overcomeand send to Arthur's court!""Why, Sandy, you can't mean it!""An I speak not sooth, let it be the worse for me.""Well, well, well, -- now who would ever havethought it? One whole duke and six dukelets; why,Sandy, it was an elegant haul. Knight-errantry is amost chuckle-headed trade, and it is tedious hardwork, too, but I begin to see that there is money init, after all, if you have luck. Not that I would everengage in it as a business, for I wouldn't. No soundand legitimate business can be established on a basis ofspeculation. A successful whirl in the knight-errantryline -- now what is it when you blow away the nonsense and come down to the cold facts? It's just acorner in pork, that's all, and you can't make anythingelse out of it. You're rich -- yes, -- suddenly rich --for about a day, maybe a week; then somebody corners the market on you, and down goes your bucketshop; ain't that so, Sandy?""Whethersoever it be that my mind miscarrieth,bewraying simple language in such sort that the wordsdo seem to come endlong and overthwart --""There's no use in beating about the bush andtrying to get around it that way, Sandy, it's so, just asI say. I know it's so. And, moreover, when youcome right down to the bedrock, knight-errantry isworse than pork; for whatever happens, the pork'sleft, and so somebody's benefited anyway; but whenthe market breaks, in a knight-errantry whirl, andevery knight in the pool passes in his checks, whathave you got for assets? Just a rubbish-pile of battered corpses and a barrel or two of busted hardware.Can you call those assets? Give me pork, every time.Am I right?""Ah, peradventure my head being distraught bythe manifold matters whereunto the confusions of thesebut late adventured haps and fortunings whereby notI alone nor you alone, but every each of us, meseemeth --""No, it's not your head, Sandy. Your head's allright, as far as it goes, but you don't know business;that's where the trouble is. It unfits you to argueabout business, and you're wrong to be always trying.However, that aside, it was a good haul, anyway, andwill breed a handsome crop of reputation in Arthur'scourt. And speaking of the cowboys, what a curiouscountry this is for women and men that never get old.Now there's Morgan le Fay, as fresh and young as aVassar pullet, to all appearances, and here is this oldduke of the South Marches still slashing away withsword and lance at his time of life, after raising such afamily as he has raised. As I understand it, SirGawaine killed seven of his sons, and still he had sixleft for Sir Marhaus and me to take into camp. Andthen there was that damsel of sixty winter of age stillexcursioning around in her frosty bloom -- How oldare you, Sandy?"It was the first time I ever struck a still place in her.The mill had shut down for repairs, or something.