Chapter XV: Sandy's Tale

by Mark Twain

　　And so I'm proprietor of some knights," said I,as we rode off. "Who would ever have supposed that I should live to list up assets of that sort.I shan't know what to do with them; unless I rafflethem off. How many of them are there, Sandy?""Seven, please you, sir, and their squires.""It is a good haul. Who are they? Where do theyhang out?""Where do they hang out?""Yes, where do they live?""Ah, I understood thee not. That will I telleftsoons." Then she said musingly, and softly, turning the words daintily over her tongue: "Hang theyout -- hang they out -- where hang -- where do theyhang out; eh, right so; where do they hang out. Ofa truth the phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, andis prettily worded withal. I will repeat it anon andanon in mine idlesse, whereby I may peradventurelearn it. Where do they hang out. Even so! alreadyit falleth trippingly from my tongue, and forasmuchas --""Don't forget the cowboys, Sandy.""Cowboys?""Yes; the knights, you know: You were going totell me about them. A while back, you remember.Figuratively speaking, game's called.""Game --""Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get towork on your statistics, and don't burn so muchkindling getting your fire started. Tell me about theknights.""I will well, and lightly will begin. So they twodeparted and rode into a great forest. And --""Great Scott!"You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I hadset her works a-going; it was my own fault; she wouldbe thirty days getting down to those facts. And shegenerally began without a preface and finished withouta result. If you interrupted her she would either goright along without noticing, or answer with a couple ofwords, and go back and say the sentence over again.So, interruptions only did harm; and yet I had to interrupt, and interrupt pretty frequently, too, in orderto save my life; a person would die if he let her monotony drip on him right along all day."Great Scott! " I said in my distress. She wentright back and began over again:"So they two departed and rode into a great forest.And --""Which two?""Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they cameto an abbey of monks, and there were well lodged. Soon the morn they heard their masses in the abbey, andso they rode forth till they came to a great forest; thenwas Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, oftwelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on greathorses, and the damsels went to and fro by a tree.And then was Sir Gawaine ware how there hung awhite shield on that tree, and ever as the damsels cameby it they spit upon it, and some threw mire upon theshield --""Now, if I hadn't seen the like myself in this country,Sandy, I wouldn't believe it. But I've seen it, and Ican just see those creatures now, parading before thatshield and acting like that. The women here do certainly act like all possessed. Yes, and I mean yourbest, too, society's very choicest brands. The humblest hello-girl along ten thousand miles of wire couldteach gentleness, patience, modesty, manners, to thehighest duchess in Arthur's land.""Hello-girl?""Yes, but don't you ask me to explain; it's a newkind of a girl; they don't have them here; one oftenspeaks sharply to them when they are not the least infault, and he can't get over feeling sorry for it andashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, it's suchshabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the fact is,no gentleman ever does it -- though I -- well, I myself,if I've got to confess --""Peradventure she --""Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you Icouldn't ever explain her so you would understand.""Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then SirGawaine and Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, andasked them why they did that despite to the shield.Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is aknight in this country that owneth this white shield, andhe is a passing good man of his hands, but he hatethall ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all thisdespite to the shield. I will say you, said Sir Gawaine,it beseemeth evil a good knight to despise all ladies andgentlewomen, and peradventure though he hate you hehath some cause, and peradventure he loveth in someother places ladies and gentlewomen, and to be lovedagain, and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of --""Man of prowess -- yes, that is the man to pleasethem, Sandy. Man of brains -- that is a thing theynever think of. Tom Sayers -- John Heenan -- JohnL. Sullivan -- pity but you could be here. Youwould have your legs under the Round Table and a'Sir' in front of your names within the twenty-fourhours; and you could bring about a new distributionof the married princesses and duchesses of the Court inanother twenty-four. The fact is, it is just a sort ofpolished-up court of Comanches, and there isn't asquaw in it who doesn't stand ready at the dropping ofa hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string ofscalps at his belt.""-- and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of,said Sir Gawaine. Now, what is his name? Sir, saidthey, his name is Marhaus the king's son of Ireland.""Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the otherform doesn't mean anything. And look out and holdon tight, now, we must jump this gully....There, we are all right now. This horse belongs in thecircus; he is born before his time.""I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passinggood knight as any is on live.""On live. If you've got a fault in the world,Sandy, it is that you are a shade too archaic. But itisn't any matter.""-- for I saw him once proved at a justs where manyknights were gathered, and that time there might noman withstand him. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, damsels,methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to suppose he thathung that shield there will not be long therefrom, andthen may those knights match him on horseback, andthat is more your worship than thus; for I will abideno longer to see a knight's shield dishonored. Andtherewith Sir Uwaine and Sir Gawaine departed a littlefrom them, and then were they ware where Sir Marhauscame riding on a great horse straight toward them.And when the twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus theyfled into the turret as they were wild, so that some ofthem fell by the way. Then the one of the knights ofthe tower dressed his shield, and said on high, Sir Marhaus defend thee. And so they ran together that theknight brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaussmote him so hard that he brake his neck and thehorse's back --""Well, that is just the trouble about this state ofthings, it ruins so many horses.""That saw the other knight of the turret, anddressed him toward Marhaus, and they went so eagerlytogether, that the knight of the turret was soon smittendown, horse and man, stark dead --""Another horse gone; I tell you it is a custom thatought to be broken up. I don't see how people withany feeling can applaud and support it."...."So these two knights came together with greatrandom --"I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter,but I didn't say anything. I judged that the Irishknight was in trouble with the visitors by this time, andthis turned out to be the case."-- that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that hisspear brast in pieces on the shield, and Sir Marhaussmote him so sore that horse and man he bare to theearth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side --"The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a littletoo simple; the vocabulary is too limited, and so, byconsequence, descriptions suffer in the matter ofvariety; they run too much to level Saharas of fact,and not enough to picturesque detail; this throws aboutthem a certain air of the monotonous; in fact the fightsare all alike: a couple of people come together withgreat random -- random is a good word, and so isexegesis, for that matter, and so is holocaust, and defalcation, and usufruct and a hundred others, but land!a body ought to discriminate -- they come togetherwith great random, and a spear is brast, and one partybrake his shield and the other one goes down, horseand man, over his horse-tail and brake his neck, andthen the next candidate comes randoming in, and brasthis spear, and the other man brast his shield, anddown he goes, horse and man, over his horse-tail, andbrake his neck, and then there's another elected, andanother and another and still another, till the materialis all used up; and when you come to figure up results,you can't tell one fight from another, nor who whipped; and as a picture, of living, raging, roaring battle,sho! why, it's pale and noiseless -- just ghosts scufflingin a fog. Dear me, what would this barren vocabularyget out of the mightiest spectacle? -- the burning ofRome in Nero's time, for instance? Why, it wouldmerely say, 'Town burned down; no insurance; boybrast a window, fireman brake his neck!' Why, thatain't a picture!"It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but itdidn't disturb Sandy, didn't turn a feather; her steamsoared steadily up again, the minute I took off the lid:"Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode towardGawaine with his spear. And when Sir Gawaine sawthat, he dressed his shield, and they aventred theirspears, and they came together with all the might oftheir horses, that either knight smote other so hard inthe midst of their shields, but Sir Gawaine's spearbrake --""I knew it would."-- "but Sir Marhaus's spear held; and therewith SirGawaine and his horse rushed down to the earth --""Just so -- and brake his back."-- "and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet andpulled out his sword, and dressed him toward Sir Marhaus on foot, and therewith either came unto othereagerly, and smote together with their swords, that theirshields flew in cantels, and they bruised their helms andtheir hauberks, and wounded either other. But SirGawaine, fro it passed nine of the clock, waxed by thespace of three hours ever stronger and stronger. andthrice his might was increased. All this espied SirMarhaus, and had great wonder how his might increased, and so they wounded other passing sore; andthen when it was come noon --"The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward toscenes and sounds of my boyhood days:"N-e-e-ew Haven! ten minutes for refreshments --knductr'll strike the gong-bell two minutes before trainleaves -- passengers for the Shore line please take seatsin the rear k'yar, this k'yar don't go no furder -- ahh pls, aw-rnjz, b'nanners, S-A-N-D'ches, p--op-corn!"-- "and waxed past noon and drew toward evensong. Sir Gawaine's strength feebled and waxed passing faint, that unnethes he might dure any longer, andSir Marhaus was then bigger and bigger --""Which strained his armor, of course; and yet littlewould one of these people mind a small thing like that."-- "and so, Sir Knight, said Sir Marhaus, I havewell felt that ye are a passing good knight, and a marvelous man of might as ever I felt any, while it lasteth,and our quarrels are not great, and therefore it were apity to do you hurt, for I feel you are passing feeble.Ah, said Sir Gawaine, gentle knight, ye say the wordthat I should say. And therewith they took off theirhelms and either kissed other, and there they sworetogether either to love other as brethren --"But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber,thinking about what a pity it was that men with suchsuperb strength -- strength enabling them to stand upcased in cruelly burdensome iron and drenched withperspiration, and hack and batter and bang each otherfor six hours on a stretch -- should not have beenborn at a time when they could put it to some usefulpurpose. Take a jackass, for instance: a jackass hasthat kind of strength, and puts it to a useful purpose,and is valuable to this world because he is a jackass;but a nobleman is not valuable because he is a jackass.It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and shouldnever have been attempted in the first place. And yet,once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and younever know what is going to come of it.When I came to myself again and began to listen, Iperceived that I had lost another chapter, and thatAlisande had wandered a long way off with her people."And so they rode and came into a deep valley fullof stones, and thereby they saw a fair stream of water;above thereby was the head of the stream, a fair fountain, and three damsels sitting thereby. In this country, said Sir Marhaus, came never knight since it waschristened, but he found strange adventures --""This is not good form, Alisande. Sir Marhaus theking's son of Ireland talks like all the rest; you oughtto give him a brogue, or at least a characteristic expletive; by this means one would recognize him as soonas he spoke, without his ever being named. It is acommon literary device with the great authors. Youshould make him say, 'In this country, be jabers, camenever knight since it was christened, but he foundstrange adventures, be jabers.' You see how muchbetter that sounds."-- "came never knight but he found strange adventures, be jabers. Of a truth it doth indeed, fair lord,albeit 'tis passing hard to say, though peradventurethat will not tarry but better speed with usage. Andthen they rode to the damsels, and either saluted other,and the eldest had a garland of gold about her head,and she was threescore winter of age or more --""The damsel was?""Even so, dear lord -- and her hair was white underthe garland --""Celluloid teeth, nine dollars a set, as like as not --the loose-fit kind, that go up and down like a portculliswhen you eat, and fall out when you laugh.""The second damsel was of thirty winter of age,with a circlet of gold about her head. The third damselwas but fifteen year of age --"Billows of thought came rolling over my soul, andthe voice faded out of my hearing!Fifteen! Break -- my heart! oh, my lost darling!Just her age who was so gentle, and lovely, and all theworld to me, and whom I shall never see again! Howthe thought of her carries me back over wide seas ofmemory to a vague dim time, a happy time, so many,many centuries hence, when I used to wake in the softsummer mornings, out of sweet dreams of her, and say"Hello, Central!" just to hear her dear voice comemelting back to me with a "Hello, Hank!" that wasmusic of the spheres to my enchanted ear. She gotthree dollars a week, but she was worth it.I could not follow Alisande's further explanation ofwho our captured knights were, now -- I mean in caseshe should ever get to explaining who they were. Myinterest was gone, my thoughts were far away, and sad.By fitful glimpses of the drifting tale, caught here andthere and now and then, I merely noted in a vague waythat each of these three knights took one of these threedamsels up behind him on his horse, and one rodenorth, another east, the other south, to seek adventures,and meet again and lie, after year and day. Year andday -- and without baggage. It was of a piece withthe general simplicity of the country.The sun was now setting. It was about three in theafternoon when Alisande had begun to tell me who thecowboys were; so she had made pretty good progresswith it -- for her. She would arrive some time orother, no doubt, but she was not a person who couldbe hurried.We were approaching a castle which stood on highground; a huge, strong, venerable structure, whosegray towers and battlements were charmingly drapedwith ivy, and whose whole majestic mass was drenchedwith splendors flung from the sinking sun. It was thelargest castle we had seen, and so I thought it might bethe one we were after, but Sandy said no. She didnot know who owned it; she said she had passed itwithout calling, when she went down to Camelot.