Chapter XXIV: A Rival Magician

by Mark Twain

　　My influence in the Valley of Holiness was something prodigious now. It seemed worth whileto try to turn it to some valuable account. Thethought came to me the next morning, and was suggested by my seeing one of my knights who was inthe soap line come riding in. According to history,the monks of this place two centuries before had beenworldly minded enough to want to wash. It might bethat there was a leaven of this unrighteousness still remaining. So I sounded a Brother:"Wouldn't you like a bath?"He shuddered at the thought -- the thought of theperil of it to the well -- but he said with feeling:"One needs not to ask that of a poor body who hasnot known that blessed refreshment sith that he was aboy. Would God I might wash me! but it may notbe, fair sir, tempt me not; it is forbidden."And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that Iwas resolved he should have at least one layer of hisreal estate removed, if it sized up my whole influenceand bankrupted the pile. So I went to the abbot andasked for a permit for this Brother. He blenched atthe idea -- I don't mean that you could see him blench,for of course you couldn't see it without you scrapedhim, and I didn't care enough about it to scrape him,but I knew the blench was there, just the same, andwithin a book-cover's thickness of the surface, too --blenched, and trembled. He said:"Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine,and freely granted out of a grateful heart -- but this,oh, this! Would you drive away the blessed wateragain?""No, Father, I will not drive it away. I havemysterious knowledge which teaches me that therewas an error that other time when it was thought theinstitution of the bath banished the fountain." Alarge interest began to show up in the old man's face."My knowledge informs me that the bath was innocent of that misfortune, which was caused by quiteanother sort of sin.""These are brave words -- but -- but right welcome,if they be true.""They are true, indeed. Let me build the bathagain, Father. Let me build it again, and the fountainshall flow forever.""You promise this? -- you promise it? Say theword -- say you promise it!""I do promise it.""Then will I have the first bath myself! Go --get ye to your work. Tarry not, tarry not, but go."I and my boys were at work, straight off. Theruins of the old bath were there yet in the basement ofthe monastery, not a stone missing. They had beenleft just so, all these lifetimes, and avoided with apious fear, as things accursed. In two days we had itall done and the water in -- a spacious pool of clearpure water that a body could swim in. It was runningwater, too. It came in, and went out, through theancient pipes. The old abbot kept his word, and wasthe first to try it. He went down black and shaky,leaving the whole black community above troubled andworried and full of bodings; but he came back whiteand joyful, and the game was made! another triumphscored.It was a good campaign that we made in that Valleyof Holiness, and I was very well satisfied, and ready tomove on now, but I struck a disappointment. I caughta heavy cold, and it started up an old lurking rheumatism of mine. Of course the rheumatism hunted upmy weakest place and located itself there. This wasthe place where the abbot put his arms about me andmashed me, what time he was moved to testify hisgratitude to me with an embrace.When at last I got out, I was a shadow. But everybody was full of attentions and kindnesses, and thesebrought cheer back into my life, and were the rightmedicine to help a convalescent swiftly up towardhealth and strength again; so I gained fast.Sandy was worn out with nursing; so I made up mymind to turn out and go a cruise alone, leaving her atthe nunnery to rest up. My idea was to disguise myselfas a freeman of peasant degree and wander throughthe country a week or two on foot. This would giveme a chance to eat and lodge with the lowliest andpoorest class of free citizens on equal terms. Therewas no other way to inform myself perfectly of theireveryday life and the operation of the laws upon it. IfI went among them as a gentleman, there would berestraints and conventionalities which would shut meout from their private joys and troubles, and I shouldget no further than the outside shell.One morning I was out on a long walk to get upmuscle for my trip, and had climbed the ridge whichbordered the northern extremity of the valley, when Icame upon an artificial opening in the face of a lowprecipice, and recognized it by its location as a hermitage which had often been pointed out to me from adistance as the den of a hermit of high renown for dirtand austerity. I knew he had lately been offered asituation in the Great Sahara, where lions and sandfliesmade the hermit-life peculiarly attractive and difficult,and had gone to Africa to take possession, so I thoughtI would look in and see how the atmosphere of thisden agreed with its reputation.My surprise was great: the place was newly sweptand scoured. Then there was another surprise. Backin the gloom of the cavern I heard the clink of a littlebell, and then this exclamation:"Hello Central! Is this you, Camelot? -- Behold, thou mayst glad thy heart an thou hast faith tobelieve the wonderful when that it cometh in unexpected guise and maketh itself manifest in impossibleplaces -- here standeth in the flesh his mightiness TheBoss, and with thine own ears shall ye hear himspeak!"Now what a radical reversal of things this was; whata jumbling together of extravagant incongruities; whata fantastic conjunction of opposites and irreconcilables-- the home of the bogus miracle become the home ofa real one, the den of a mediaeval hermit turned into atelephone office!The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and Irecognized one of my young fellows. I said:"How long has this office been established here,Ulfius?""But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you.We saw many lights in the valley, and so judged itwell to make a station, for that where so many lightsbe needs must they indicate a town of goodly size.""Quite right. It isn't a town in the customarysense, but it's a good stand, anyway. Do you knowwhere you are?""Of that I have had no time to make inquiry; forwhenas my comradeship moved hence upon theirlabors, leaving me in charge, I got me to needed rest,purposing to inquire when I waked, and report theplace's name to Camelot for record.""Well, this is the Valley of Holiness."It didn't take; I mean, he didn't start at the name,as I had supposed he would. He merely said:"I will so report it.""Why, the surrounding regions are filled with thenoise of late wonders that have happened here! Youdidn't hear of them?""Ah, ye will remember we move by night, andavoid speech with all. We learn naught but that weget by the telephone from Camelot.""Why they know all about this thing. Haven'tthey told you anything about the great miracle of therestoration of a holy fountain?""Oh, that? Indeed yes. But the name of thisvalley doth woundily differ from the name of that one;indeed to differ wider were not pos --""What was that name, then?""The Valley of Hellishness.""That explains it. Confound a telephone, anyway.It is the very demon for conveying similarities of soundthat are miracles of divergence from similarity of sense.But no matter, you know the name of the place now.Call up Camelot."He did it, and had Clarence sent for. It was goodto hear my boy's voice again. It was like being home.After some affectionate interchanges, and some accountof my late illness, I said:"What is new?""The king and queen and many of the court dostart even in this hour, to go to your valley to paypious homage to the waters ye have restored, andcleanse themselves of sin, and see the place where theinfernal spirit spouted true hell-flames to the clouds --an ye listen sharply ye may hear me wink and hear melikewise smile a smile, sith 'twas I that made selectionof those flames from out our stock and sent them byyour order.""Does the king know the way to this place?""The king? -- no, nor to any other in his realms,mayhap; but the lads that holp you with your miraclewill be his guide and lead the way, and appoint theplaces for rests at noons and sleeps at night.""This will bring them here -- when?""Mid-afternoon, or later, the third day.""Anything else in the way of news?""The king hath begun the raising of the standingarmy ye suggested to him; one regiment is completeand officered.""The mischief! I wanted a main hand in that myself. There is only one body of men in the kingdomthat are fitted to officer a regular army.""Yes -- and now ye will marvel to know there's notso much as one West Pointer in that regiment.""What are you talking about? Are you in earnest?""It is truly as I have said.""Why, this makes me uneasy. Who were chosen,and what was the method? Competitive examination?""Indeed, I know naught of the method. I butknow this -- these officers be all of noble family, andare born -- what is it you call it? -- chuckleheads.""There's something wrong, Clarence. ""Comfort yourself, then; for two candidates for alieutenancy do travel hence with the king -- youngnobles both -- and if you but wait where you are youwill hear them questioned.""That is news to the purpose. I will get one WestPointer in, anyway. Mount a man and send him tothat school with a message; let him kill horses, ifnecessary, but he must be there before sunset to-nightand say -- ""There is no need. I have laid a ground wire tothe school. Prithee let me connect you with it."It sounded good! In this atmosphere of telephonesand lightning communication with distant regions, Iwas breathing the breath of life again after long suffocation. I realized, then, what a creepy, dull, inanimatehorror this land had been to me all these years, andhow I had been in such a stifled condition of mind asto have grown used to it almost beyond the power tonotice it.I gave my order to the superintendent of the Academy personally. I also asked him to bring me somepaper and a fountain pen and a box or so of safetymatches. I was getting tired of doing without theseconveniences. I could have them now, as I wasn'tgoing to wear armor any more at present, and therefore could get at my pockets.When I got back to the monastery, I found a thingof interest going on. The abbot and his monks wereassembled in the great hall, observing with childishwonder and faith the performances of a new magician,a fresh arrival. His dress was the extreme of thefantastic; as showy and foolish as the sort of thing anIndian medicine-man wears. He was mowing, andmumbling, and gesticulating, and drawing mysticalfigures in the air and on the floor, -- the regular thing,you know. He was a celebrity from Asia -- so hesaid, and that was enough. That sort of evidence wasas good as gold, and passed current everywhere.How easy and cheap it was to be a great magicianon this fellow's terms. His specialty was to tell youwhat any individual on the face of the globe was doingat the moment; and what he had done at any time inthe past, and what he would do at any time in thefuture. He asked if any would like to know what theEmperor of the East was doing now? The sparklingeyes and the delighted rubbing of hands made eloquentanswer -- this reverend crowd would like to know whatthat monarch was at, just as this moment. The fraudwent through some more mummery, and then madegrave announcement:"The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth atthis moment put money in the palm of a holy beggingfriar -- one, two, three pieces, and they be all ofsilver."A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, allaround:"It is marvelous!" "Wonderful!" "What study,what labor, to have acquired a so amazing power as this!"Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord ofInde was doing? Yes. He told them what theSupreme Lord of Inde was doing. Then he toldthem what the Sultan of Egypt was at; also what theKing of the Remote Seas was about. And so on andso on; and with each new marvel the astonishment athis accuracy rose higher and higher. They thoughthe must surely strike an uncertain place some time;but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew, andalways with unerring precision. I saw that if this thingwent on I should lose my supremacy, this fellow wouldcapture my following, I should be left out in the cold.I must put a cog in his wheel, and do it right away,too. I said:"If I might ask, I should very greatly like to knowwhat a certain person is doing.""Speak, and freely. I will tell you.""It will be difficult -- perhaps impossible.""My art knoweth not that word. The more difficultit is, the more certainly will I reveal it to you."You see, I was working up the interest. It wasgetting pretty high, too; you could see that by thecraning necks all around, and the half-suspendedbreathing. So now I climaxed it:"If you make no mistake -- if you tell me trulywhat I want to know -- I will give you two hundredsilver pennies.""The fortune is mine! I will tell you what youwould know.""Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand.""Ah-h!" There was a general gasp of surprise.It had not occurred to anybody in the crowd -- thatsimple trick of inquiring about somebody who wasn'tten thousand miles away. The magician was hit hard;it was an emergency that had never happened in hisexperience before, and it corked him; he didn't knowhow to meet it. He looked stunned, confused; hecouldn't say a word. "Come," I said, "what areyou waiting for? Is it possible you can answer up,right off, and tell what anybody on the other side ofthe earth is doing, and yet can't tell what a person isdoing who isn't three yards from you? Persons behindme know what I am doing with my right hand -- theywill indorse you if you tell correctly." He was stilldumb. "Very well, I'll tell you why you don't speakup and tell; it is because you don't know. You amagician! Good friends, this tramp is a mere fraudand liar."This distressed the monks and terrified them. Theywere not used to hearing these awful beings callednames, and they did not know what might be the consequence. There was a dead silence now; superstitiousbodings were in every mind. The magician began topull his wits together, and when he presently smiled aneasy, nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty reliefaround; for it indicated that his mood was not destructive. He said:"It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of thisperson's speech. Let all know, if perchance there beany who know it not, that enchanters of my degreedeign not to concern themselves with the doings of anybut kings, princes, emperors, them that be born in thepurple and them only. Had ye asked me what Arthurthe great king is doing, it were another matter, and Ihad told ye; but the doings of a subject interest menot.""Oh, I misunderstood you. I thought you said'anybody,' and so I supposed 'anybody' included --well, anybody; that is, everybody.""It doth -- anybody that is of lofty birth; and thebetter if he be royal.""That, it meseemeth, might well be," said the abbot,who saw his opportunity to smooth things and avertdisaster, "for it were not likely that so wonderful agift as this would be conferred for the revelation of theconcerns of lesser beings than such as be born near tothe summits of greatness. Our Arthur the king --""Would you know of him?" broke in the enchanter."Most gladly, yea, and gratefully."Everybody was full of awe and interest again rightaway, the incorrigible idiots. They watched the incantations absorbingly, and looked at me with a "There,now, what can you say to that?" air, when theannouncement came:"The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in hispalace these two hours sleeping a dreamless sleep.""God's benison upon him!" said the abbot, andcrossed himself; "may that sleep be to the refreshment of his body and his soul.""And so it might be, if he were sleeping," I said,"but the king is not sleeping, the king rides."Here was trouble again -- a conflict of authority.Nobody knew which of us to believe; I still had somereputation left. The magician's scorn was stirred, andhe said:"Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers andprophets and magicians in my life days, but none before that could sit idle and see to the heart of thingswith never an incantation to help.""You have lived in the woods, and lost much by it.I use incantations myself, as this good brotherhood areaware -- but only on occasions of moment."When it comes to sarcasming, I reckon I know howto keep my end up. That jab made this fellow squirm.The abbot inquired after the queen and the court, andgot this information:"They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue,like as to the king."I said:"That is merely another lie. Half of them areabout their amusements, the queen and the other halfare not sleeping, they ride. Now perhaps you canspread yourself a little, and tell us where the king andqueen and all that are this moment riding with themare going?""They sleep now, as I said; but on the morrowthey will ride, for they go a journey toward the sea.""And where will they be the day after to-morrow atvespers?""Far to the north of Camelot, and half their journeywill be done.""That is another lie, by the space of a hundred andfifty miles. Their journey will not be merely halfdone, it will be all done, and they will be here, in thisvalley."That was a noble shot! It set the abbot and themonks in a whirl of excitement, and it rocked the enchanter to his base. I followed the thing right up:"If the king does not arrive, I will have myselfridden on a rail: if he does I will ride you on a railinstead."Next day I went up to the telephone office and foundthat the king had passed through two towns that wereon the line. I spotted his progress on the succeedingday in the same way. I kept these matters to myself.The third day's reports showed that if he kept up hisgait he would arrive by four in the afternoon. Therewas still no sign anywhere of interest in his coming;there seemed to be no preparations making to receivehim in state; a strange thing, truly. Only one thingcould explain this: that other magician had been cutting under me, sure. This was true. I asked a friendof mine, a monk, about it, and he said, yes, themagician had tried some further enchantments andfound out that the court had concluded to make nojourney at all, but stay at home. Think of that!Observe how much a reputation was worth in such acountry. These people had seen me do the veryshowiest bit of magic in history, and the only onewithin their memory that had a positive value, and yethere they were, ready to take up with an adventurerwho could offer no evidence of his powers but his mereunproven word.However, it was not good politics to let the kingcome without any fuss and feathers at all, so I wentdown and drummed up a procession of pilgrims andsmoked out a batch of hermits and started them out attwo o'clock to meet him. And that was the sort ofstate he arrived in. The abbot was helpless with rageand humiliation when I brought him out on a balconyand showed him the head of the state marching in andnever a monk on hand to offer him welcome, and nostir of life or clang of joy-bell to glad his spirit. Hetook one look and then flew to rouse out his forces.The next minute the bells were dinning furiously, andthe various buildings were vomiting monks and nuns,who went swarming in a rush toward the coming procession; and with them went that magician -- and hewas on a rail, too, by the abbot's order; and hisreputation was in the mud, and mine was in the skyagain. Yes, a man can keep his trademark current insuch a country, but he can't sit around and do it; hehas got to be on deck and attending to business rightalong.