Chapter XXXII: Dowley's Humiliation

by Mark Twain

　　Well, when that cargo arrived toward sunset, Saturday afternoon, I had my hands full to keepthe Marcos from fainting. They were sure Jones andI were ruined past help, and they blamed themselvesas accessories to this bankruptcy. You see, in addition to the dinner-materials, which called for a sufficiently round sum, I had bought a lot of extras for thefuture comfort of the family: for instance, a big lot ofwheat, a delicacy as rare to the tables of their class aswas ice-cream to a hermit's; also a sizeable dealdinner-table; also two entire pounds of salt, whichwas another piece of extravagance in those people'seyes; also crockery, stools, the clothes, a small caskof beer, and so on. I instructed the Marcos to keepquiet about this sumptuousness, so as to give me achance to surprise the guests and show off a little.Concerning the new clothes, the simple couple werelike children; they were up and down, all night, tosee if it wasn't nearly daylight, so that they could putthem on, and they were into them at last as much asan hour before dawn was due. Then their pleasure --not to say delirium -- was so fresh and novel and inspiring that the sight of it paid me well for the interruptions which my sleep had suffered. The king hadslept just as usual -- like the dead. The Marcos couldnot thank him for their clothes, that being forbidden;but they tried every way they could think of to makehim see how grateful they were. Which all went fornothing: he didn't notice any change.It turned out to be one of those rich and rare falldays which is just a June day toned down to a degreewhere it is heaven to be out of doors. Toward noonthe guests arrived, and we assembled under a great treeand were soon as sociable as old acquaintances. Eventhe king's reserve melted a little, though it was somelittle trouble to him to adjust himself to the name ofJones along at first. I had asked him to try to notforget that he was a farmer; but I had also consideredit prudent to ask him to let the thing stand at that,and not elaborate it any. Because he was just thekind of person you could depend on to spoil a littlething like that if you didn't warn him, his tongue wasso handy, and his spirit so willing, and his informationso uncertain.Dowley was in fine feather, and I early got himstarted, and then adroitly worked him around onto hisown history for a text and himself for a hero, and thenit was good to sit there and hear him hum. Self-mademan, you know. They know how to talk. They dodeserve more credit than any other breed of men, yes,that is true; and they are among the very first to findit out, too. He told how he had begun life an orphanlad without money and without friends able to helphim; how he had lived as the slaves of the meanestmaster lived; how his day's work was from sixteen toeighteen hours long, and yielded him only enoughblack bread to keep him in a half-fed condition; howhis faithful endeavors finally attracted the attention ofa good blacksmith, who came near knocking him deadwith kindness by suddenly offering, when he was totallyunprepared, to take him as his bound apprentice fornine years and give him board and clothes and teachhim the trade -- or "mystery" as Dowley called it.That was his first great rise, his first gorgeous strokeof fortune; and you saw that he couldn't yet speak ofit without a sort of eloquent wonder and delight thatsuch a gilded promotion should have fallen to the lotof a common human being. He got no new clothingduring his apprenticeship, but on his graduation dayhis master tricked him out in spang-new tow-linensand made him feel unspeakably rich and fine."I remember me of that day!" the wheelwrightsang out, with enthusiasm."And I likewise!" cried the mason. "I would notbelieve they were thine own; in faith I could not.""Nor other!" shouted Dowley, with sparkling eyes."I was like to lose my character, the neighbors wending I had mayhap been stealing. It was a great day,a great day; one forgetteth not days like that."Yes, and his master was a fine man, and prosperous,and always had a great feast of meat twice in the year,and with it white bread, true wheaten bread; in fact,lived like a lord, so to speak. And in time Dowleysucceeded to the business and married the daughter."And now consider what is come to pass," saidhe, impressively. "Two times in every month thereis fresh meat upon my table." He made a pausehere, to let that fact sink home, then added -- "andeight times salt meat.""It is even true," said the wheelwright, with batedbreath."I know it of mine own knowledge," said the mason,in the same reverent fashion."On my table appeareth white bread every Sundayin the year," added the master smith, with solemnity."I leave it to your own consciences, friends, if this isnot also true?""By my head, yes," cried the mason."I can testify it -- and I do," said the wheelwright."And as to furniture, ye shall say yourselves whatmine equipment is. " He waved his hand in finegesture of granting frank and unhampered freedomof speech, and added: "Speak as ye are moved;speak as ye would speak; an I were not here.""Ye have five stools, and of the sweetest workmanship at that, albeit your family is but three," said thewheelwright, with deep respect."And six wooden goblets, and six platters of woodand two of pewter to cat and drink from withal," saidthe mason, impressively. "And I say it as knowingGod is my judge, and we tarry not here alway, butmust answer at the last day for the things said in thebody, be they false or be they sooth.""Now ye know what manner of man I am, brotherJones," said the smith, with a fine and friendly condescension, "and doubtless ye would look to find me aman jealous of his due of respect and but sparing ofoutgo to strangers till their rating and quality beassured, but trouble yourself not, as concerning that;wit ye well ye shall find me a man that regardeth notthese matters but is willing to receive any he as hisfellow and equal that carrieth a right heart in his body,be his worldly estate howsoever modest. And in tokenof it, here is my hand; and I say with my own mouthwe are equals -- equals "-- and he smiled around onthe company with the satisfaction of a god who isdoing the handsome and gracious thing and is quitewell aware of it.The king took the hand with a poorly disguisedreluctance, and let go of it as willingly as a lady letsgo of a fish; all of which had a good effect, for it wasmistaken for an embarrassment natural to one who wasbeing called upon by greatness.The dame brought out the table now, and set itunder the tree. It caused a visible stir of surprise, itbeing brand new and a sumptuous article of deal. Butthe surprise rose higher still when the dame, with abody oozing easy indifference at every pore, but eyesthat gave it all away by absolutely flaming with vanity,slowly unfolded an actual simon-pure tablecloth andspread it. That was a notch above even the blacksmith's domestic grandeurs, and it hit him hard; youcould see it. But Marco was in Paradise; you couldsee that, too. Then the dame brought two fine newstools -- whew! that was a sensation; it was visible inthe eyes of every guest. Then she brought two more-- as calmly as she could. Sensation again -- withawed murmurs. Again she brought two -- walking onair, she was so proud. The guests were petrified, andthe mason muttered:"There is that about earthly pomps which dothever move to reverence."As the dame turned away, Marco couldn't helpslapping on the climax while the thing was hot; so hesaid with what was meant for a languid composure butwas a poor imitation of it:"These suffice; leave the rest."So there were more yet! It was a fine effect. Icouldn't have played the hand better myself.From this out, the madam piled up the surpriseswith a rush that fired the general astonishment up to ahundred and fifty in the shade, and at the same timeparalyzed expression of it down to gasped "Oh's"and "Ah's," and mute upliftings of hands and eyes.She fetched crockery -- new, and plenty of it; newwooden goblets and other table furniture; and beer,fish, chicken, a goose, eggs, roast beef, roast mutton,a ham, a small roast pig, and a wealth of genuine whitewheaten bread. Take it by and large, that spread laideverything far and away in the shade that ever thatcrowd had seen before. And while they sat there justsimply stupefied with wonder and awe, I sort of wavedmy hand as if by accident, and the storekeeper's sonemerged from space and said he had come to collect."That's all right," I said, indifferently. "What isthe amount? give us the items."Then he read off this bill, while those three amazedmen listened, and serene waves of satisfaction rolledover my soul and alternate waves of terror and admiration surged over Marco's:2 pounds salt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2008 dozen pints beer, in the wood . . . . . 8003 bushels wheat . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2,7002 pounds fish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1003 hens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4001 goose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4003 dozen eggs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1501 roast of beef . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4501 roast of mutton . . . . . . . . . . . . 4001 ham . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8001 sucking pig . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5002 crockery dinner sets . . . . . . . . . 6,0002 men's suits and underwear . . . . . . . 2,8001 stuff and 1 linsey-woolsey gownand underwear . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1,6008 wooden goblets . . . . . . . . . . . . 800Various table furniture . . . . . . . . .10,0001 deal table . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3,0008 stools . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4,0002 miller guns, loaded . . . . . . . . . . 3,000He ceased. There was a pale and awful silence.Not a limb stirred. Not a nostril betrayed the passageof breath."Is that all?" I asked, in a voice of the most perfect calmness."All, fair sir, save that certain matters of light moment are placed together under a head hight sundries.If it would like you, I will sepa --""It is of no consequence," I said, accompanyingthe words with a gesture of the most utter indifference;"give me the grand total, please."The clerk leaned against the tree to stay himself, andsaid:"Thirty-nine thousand one hundred and fifty milrays!"The wheelwright fell off his stool, the others grabbedthe table to save themselves, and there was a deep andgeneral ejaculation of:"God be with us in the day of disaster!"The clerk hastened to say:"My father chargeth me to say he cannot honorablyrequire you to pay it all at this time, and thereforeonly prayeth you --"I paid no more heed than if it were the idle breeze,but, with an air of indifference amounting almost toweariness, got out my money and tossed four dollarson to the table. Ah, you should have seen them stare!The clerk was astonished and charmed. He askedme to retain one of the dollars as security, until hecould go to town and -- I interrupted:"What, and fetch back nine cents? Nonsense!Take the whole. Keep the change."There was an amazed murmur to this effect:"Verily this being is made of money! He throwethit away even as if it were dirt."The blacksmith was a crushed man.The clerk took his money and reeled away drunkwith fortune. I said to Marco and his wife:"Good folk, here is a little trifle for you" -- handing the miller-guns as if it were a matter of no consequence, though each of them contained fifteen cents insolid cash; and while the poor creatures went to pieceswith astonishment and gratitude, I turned to the othersand said as calmly as one would ask the time of day:"Well, if we are all ready, I judge the dinner is.Come, fall to."Ah, well, it was immense; yes, it was a daisy. Idon't know that I ever put a situation together better,or got happier spectacular effects out of the materialsavailable. The blacksmith -- well, he was simplymashed. Land! I wouldn't have felt what that manwas feeling, for anything in the world. Here he hadbeen blowing and bragging about his grand meat-feasttwice a year, and his fresh meat twice a month, andhis salt meat twice a week, and his white bread everySunday the year round -- all for a family of three; theentire cost for the year not above 69.2.6 (sixty-ninecents, two mills and six milrays), and all of a suddenhere comes along a man who slashes out nearly fourdollars on a single blow-out; and not only that, butacts as if it made him tired to handle such small sums.Yes, Dowley was a good deal wilted, and shrunk-upand collapsed; he had the aspect of a bladder-balloonthat's been stepped on by a cow.