Chapter XXXVII: An Awful Predicament

by Mark Twain

　　Sleep? It was impossible. It would naturallyhave been impossible in that noisome cavern ofa jail, with its mangy crowd of drunken, quarrelsome,and song-singing rapscallions. But the thing thatmade sleep all the more a thing not to be dreamed of,was my racking impatience to get out of this place andfind out the whole size of what might have happenedyonder in the slave-quarters in consequence of thatintolerable miscarriage of mine.It was a long night, but the morning got around atlast. I made a full and frank explanation to the court.I said I was a slave, the property of the great EarlGrip, who had arrived just after dark at the Tabardinn in the village on the other side of the water, andhad stopped there over night, by compulsion, he beingtaken deadly sick with a strange and sudden disorder.I had been ordered to cross to the city in all haste andbring the best physician; I was doing my best;naturally I was running with all my might; the nightwas dark, I ran against this common person here, whoseized me by the throat and began to pummel me,although I told him my errand, and implored him, forthe sake of the great earl my master's mortal peril --The common person interrupted and said it was alie; and was going to explain how I rushed upon himand attacked him without a word --"Silence, sirrah!" from the court. "Take himhence and give him a few stripes whereby to teachhim how to treat the servant of a nobleman after adifferent fashion another time. Go!"Then the court begged my pardon, and hoped Iwould not fail to tell his lordship it was in no wise thecourt's fault that this high-handed thing had happened.I said I would make it all right, and so took my leave.Took it just in time, too; he was starting to ask mewhy I didn't fetch out these facts the moment I wasarrested. I said I would if I had thought of it --which was true -- but that I was so battered by thatman that all my wit was knocked out of me -- andso forth and so on, and got myself away, still mumbling.I didn't wait for breakfast. No grass grew undermy feet. I was soon at the slave quarters. Empty --everybody gone! That is, everybody except one body-- the slave-master's. It lay there all battered to pulp;and all about were the evidences of a terrific fight.There was a rude board coffin on a cart at the door,and workmen, assisted by the police, were thinning aroad through the gaping crowd in order that theymight bring it in.I picked out a man humble enough in life to condescend to talk with one so shabby as I, and got his account of the matter."There were sixteen slaves here. They rose againsttheir master in the night, and thou seest how it ended.""Yes. How did it begin?""There was no witness but the slaves. They saidthe slave that was most valuable got free of his bondsand escaped in some strange way -- by magic arts'twas thought, by reason that he had no key, and thelocks were neither broke nor in any wise injured.When the master discovered his loss, he was mad withdespair, and threw himself upon his people with hisheavy stick, who resisted and brake his back and inother and divers ways did give him hurts that broughthim swiftly to his end.""This is dreadful. It will go hard with the slaves,no doubt, upon the trial.""Marry, the trial is over.""Over!""Would they be a week, think you -- and thematter so simple? They were not the half of a quarterof an hour at it.""Why, I don't see how they could determine whichwere the guilty ones in so short a time.""Which ones? Indeed, they considered not particulars like to that. They condemned them in a body.Wit ye not the law? -- which men say the Romans leftbehind them here when they went -- that if one slavekilleth his master all the slaves of that man must diefor it.""True. I had forgotten. And when will thesedie?""Belike within a four and twenty hours; albeit somesay they will wait a pair of days more, if peradventurethey may find the missing one meantime."The missing one! It made me feel uncomfortable."Is it likely they will find him?""Before the day is spent -- yes. They seek himeverywhere. They stand at the gates of the town,with certain of the slaves who will discover him tothem if he cometh, and none can pass out but he willbe first examined.""Might one see the place where the rest are confined?""The outside of it -- yes. The inside of it -- butye will not want to see that."I took the address of that prison for future referenceand then sauntered off. At the first second-handclothing shop I came to, up a back street, I got arough rig suitable for a common seaman who might begoing on a cold voyage, and bound up my face with aliberal bandage, saying I had a toothache. This concealed my worst bruises. It was a transformation. Ino longer resembled my former self. Then I struckout for that wire, found it and followed it to its den.It was a little room over a butcher's shop -- whichmeant that business wasn't very brisk in the telegraphicline. The young chap in charge was drowsing at histable. I locked the door and put the vast key in mybosom. This alarmed the young fellow, and he wasgoing to make a noise; but I said:"Save your wind; if you open your mouth you aredead, sure. Tackle your instrument. Lively, now!Call Camelot.""This doth amaze me! How should such as youknow aught of such matters as --""Call Camelot! I am a desperate man. CallCamelot, or get away from the instrument and I willdo it myself.""What -- you?""Yes -- certainly. Stop gabbling. Call the palace."He made the call."Now, then, call Clarence.""Clarence who?""Never mind Clarence who. Say you want Clarence; you'll get an answer."He did so. We waited five nerve-straining minutes-- ten minutes -- how long it did seem! -- and thencame a click that was as familiar to me as a humanvoice; for Clarence had been my own pupil."Now, my lad, vacate! They would have knownmy touch, maybe, and so your call was surest; but I'mall right now."He vacated the place and cocked his ear to listen --but it didn't win. I used a cipher. I didn't wasteany time in sociabilities with Clarence, but squaredaway for business, straight-off -- thus:"The king is here and in danger. We were captured and brought here as slaves. We should not beable to prove our identity -- and the fact is, I am notin a position to try. Send a telegram for the palacehere which will carry conviction with it."His answer came straight back:"They don't know anything about the telegraph;they haven't had any experience yet, the line to London is so new. Better not venture that. They mighthang you. Think up something else."Might hang us! Little he knew how closely he wascrowding the facts. I couldn't think up anything forthe moment. Then an idea struck me, and I startedit along:"Send five hundred picked knights with Launcelotin the lead; and send them on the jump. Let thementer by the southwest gate, and look out for the manwith a white cloth around his right arm."The answer was prompt:"They shall start in half an hour.""All right, Clarence; now tell this lad here that I'ma friend of yours and a dead-head; and that he mustbe discreet and say nothing about this visit of mine."The instrument began to talk to the youth and Ihurried away. I fell to ciphering. In half an hour itwould be nine o'clock. Knights and horses in heavyarmor couldn't travel very fast. These would makethe best time they could, and now that the ground wasin good condition, and no snow or mud, they wouldprobably make a seven-mile gait; they would have tochange horses a couple of times; they would arriveabout six, or a little after; it would still be plenty lightenough; they would see the white cloth which I shouldtie around my right arm, and I would take command.We would surround that prison and have the king outin no time. It would be showy and picturesqueenough, all things considered, though I would havepreferred noonday, on account of the more theatricalaspect the thing would have.Now, then, in order to increase the strings to mybow, I thought I would look up some of those peoplewhom I had formerly recognized, and make myselfknown. That would help us out of our scrape, without the knights. But I must proceed cautiously, for itwas a risky business. I must get into sumptuousraiment, and it wouldn't do to run and jump into it.No, I must work up to it by degrees, buying suit aftersuit of clothes, in shops wide apart, and getting a littlefiner article with each change, until I should finallyreach silk and velvet, and be ready for my project.So I started.But the scheme fell through like scat! The firstcorner I turned, I came plump upon one of our slaves,snooping around with a watchman. I coughed at themoment, and he gave me a sudden look that bit rightinto my marrow. I judge he thought he had heardthat cough before. I turned immediately into a shopand worked along down the counter, pricing thingsand watching out of the corner of my eye. Thosepeople had stopped, and were talking together andlooking in at the door. I made up my mind to getout the back way, if there was a back way, and I askedthe shopwoman if I could step out there and look forthe escaped slave, who was believed to be in hidingback there somewhere, and said I was an officer indisguise, and my pard was yonder at the door withone of the murderers in charge, and would she be goodenough to step there and tell him he needn't wait, buthad better go at once to the further end of the backalley and be ready to head him off when I rousted himout.She was blazing with eagerness to see one of thosealready celebrated murderers, and she started on theerrand at once. I slipped out the back way, lockedthe door behind me, put the key in my pocket andstarted off, chuckling to myself and comfortable.Well, I had gone and spoiled it again, made anothermistake. A double one, in fact. There were plentyof ways to get rid of that officer by some simple andplausible device, but no, I must pick out a picturesqueone; it is the crying defect of my character. Andthen, I had ordered my procedure upon what theofficer, being human, would naturally do; whereaswhen you are least expecting it, a man will now andthen go and do the very thing which it's not naturalfor him to do. The natural thing for the officer to do,in this case, was to follow straight on my heels; hewould find a stout oaken door, securely locked, between him and me; before he could break it down, Ishould be far away and engaged in slipping into a succession of baffling disguises which would soon get meinto a sort of raiment which was a surer protectionfrom meddling law-dogs in Britain than any amount ofmere innocence and purity of character. But insteadof doing the natural thing, the officer took me at myword, and followed my instructions. And so, as Icame trotting out of that cul de sac, full of satisfactionwith my own cleverness, he turned the corner and Iwalked right into his handcuffs. If I had known it wasa cul de sac -- however, there isn't any excusing ablunder like that, let it go. Charge it up to profit andloss.Of course, I was indignant, and swore I had justcome ashore from a long voyage, and all that sort ofthing -- just to see, you know, if it would deceive thatslave. But it didn't. He knew me. Then I reproached him for betraying me. He was more surprised than hurt. He stretched his eyes wide, andsaid:"What, wouldst have me let thee, of all men, escapeand not hang with us, when thou'rt the very cause ofour hanging? Go to!""Go to" was their way of saying "I should smile!"or "I like that!" Queer talkers, those people.Well, there was a sort of bastard justice in his viewof the case, and so I dropped the matter. When youcan't cure a disaster by argument, what is the use toargue? It isn't my way. So I only said:"You're not going to be hanged. None of us are."Both men laughed, and the slave said:"Ye have not ranked as a fool -- before. Youmight better keep your reputation, seeing the strainwould not be for long.""It will stand it, I reckon. Before to-morrow weshall be out of prison, and free to go where we will,besides."The witty officer lifted at his left ear with his thumb,made a rasping noise in his throat, and said:"Out of prison -- yes -- ye say true. And freelikewise to go where ye will, so ye wander not out ofhis grace the Devil's sultry realm."I kept my temper, and said, indifferently:"Now I suppose you really think we are going tohang within a day or two.""I thought it not many minutes ago, for so thething was decided and proclaimed.""Ah, then you've changed your mind, is that it?""Even that. I only thought, then; I know, now."I felt sarcastical, so I said:"Oh, sapient servant of the law, condescend to tellus, then, what you know.""That ye will all be hanged to-day, at mid-afternoon! Oho! that shot hit home! Lean upon me."The fact is I did need to lean upon somebody. Myknights couldn't arrive in time. They would be asmuch as three hours too late. Nothing in the worldcould save the King of England; nor me, which wasmore important. More important, not merely to me,but to the nation -- the only nation on earth standingready to blossom into civilization. I was sick. I saidno more, there wasn't anything to say. I knew whatthe man meant; that if the missing slave was found,the postponement would be revoked, the executiontake place to-day. Well, the missing slave was found.