A Predicament
What chance, good lady, hath bereft you thus?--COMUS.IT was a quiet and still afternoon when I strolled forth in thegoodly city of Edina. The confusion and bustle in the streets wereterrible. Men were talking. Women were screaming. Children werechoking. Pigs were whistling. Carts they rattled. Bulls theybellowed. Cows they lowed. Horses they neighed. Cats theycaterwauled. Dogs they danced. Danced! Could it then be possible?Danced! Alas, thought I, my dancing days are over! Thus it is ever.What a host of gloomy recollections will ever and anon be awakened inthe mind of genius and imaginative contemplation, especially of agenius doomed to the everlasting and eternal, and continual, and, asone might say, the -- continued -- yes, the continued and continuous,bitter, harassing, disturbing, and, if I may be allowed theexpression, the very disturbing influence of the serene, and godlike,and heavenly, and exalted, and elevated, and purifying effect of whatmay be rightly termed the most enviable, the most truly enviable --nay! the most benignly beautiful, the most deliciously ethereal, and,as it were, the most pretty (if I may use so bold an expression)thing (pardon me, gentle reader!) in the world -- but I am always ledaway by my feelings. In such a mind, I repeat, what a host ofrecollections are stirred up by a trifle! The dogs danced! I -- Icould not! They frisked -- I wept. They capered -- I sobbed aloud.Touching circumstances! which cannot fail to bring to therecollection of the classical reader that exquisite passage inrelation to the fitness of things, which is to be found in thecommencement of the third volume of that admirable and venerableChinese novel the Jo-Go-Slow.In my solitary walk through, the city I had two humble but faithfulcompanions. Diana, my poodle! sweetest of creatures! She had aquantity of hair over her one eye, and a blue ribband tiedfashionably around her neck. Diana was not more than five inches inheight, but her head was somewhat bigger than her body, and her tailbeing cut off exceedingly close, gave an air of injured innocence tothe interesting animal which rendered her a favorite with all.And Pompey, my negro! -- sweet Pompey! how shall I ever forget thee?I had taken Pompey's arm. He was three feet in height (I like to beparticular) and about seventy, or perhaps eighty, years of age. Hehad bow-legs and was corpulent. His mouth should not be called small,nor his ears short. His teeth, however, were like pearl, and hislarge full eyes were deliciously white. Nature had endowed him withno neck, and had placed his ankles (as usual with that race) in themiddle of the upper portion of the feet. He was clad with a strikingsimplicity. His sole garments were a stock of nine inches in height,and a nearly -- new drab overcoat which had formerly been in theservice of the tall, stately, and illustrious Dr. Moneypenny. It wasa good overcoat. It was well cut. It was well made. The coat wasnearly new. Pompey held it up out of the dirt with both hands.There were three persons in our party, and two of them have alreadybeen the subject of remark. There was a third -- that person wasmyself. I am the Signora Psyche Zenobia. I am not Suky Snobbs. Myappearance is commanding. On the memorable occasion of which I speakI was habited in a crimson satin dress, with a sky-blue Arabianmantelet. And the dress had trimmings of green agraffas, and sevengraceful flounces of the orange-colored auricula. I thus formed thethird of the party. There was the poodle. There was Pompey. There wasmyself. We were three. Thus it is said there were originally butthree Furies -- Melty, Nimmy, and Hetty -- Meditation, Memory, andFiddling.Leaning upon the arm of the gallant Pompey, and attended at arespectable distance by Diana, I proceeded down one of the populousand very pleasant streets of the now deserted Edina. On a sudden,there presented itself to view a church -- a Gothic cathedral --vast, venerable, and with a tall steeple, which towered into the sky.What madness now possessed me? Why did I rush upon my fate? I wasseized with an uncontrollable desire to ascend the giddy pinnacle,and then survey the immense extent of the city. The door of thecathedral stood invitingly open. My destiny prevailed. I entered theominous archway. Where then was my guardian angel? -- if indeed suchangels there be. If! Distressing monosyllable! what world of mystery,and meaning, and doubt, and uncertainty is there involved in thy twoletters! I entered the ominous archway! I entered; and, withoutinjury to my orange-colored auriculas, I passed beneath the portal,and emerged within the vestibule. Thus it is said the immense riverAlfred passed, unscathed, and unwetted, beneath the sea.I thought the staircase would never have an end. Round! Yes, theywent round and up, and round and up and round and up, until I couldnot help surmising, with the sagacious Pompey, upon whose supportingarm I leaned in all the confidence of early affection -- I could nothelp surmising that the upper end of the continuous spiral ladder hadbeen accidentally, or perhaps designedly, removed. I paused forbreath; and, in the meantime, an accident occurred of too momentous anature in a moral, and also in a metaphysical point of view, to bepassed over without notice. It appeared to me -- indeed I was quiteconfident of the fact -- I could not be mistaken -- no! I had, forsome moments, carefully and anxiously observed the motions of myDiana -- I say that I could not be mistaken -- Diana smelt a rat! Atonce I called Pompey's attention to the subject, and he -- he agreedwith me. There was then no longer any reasonable room for doubt. Therat had been smelled -- and by Diana. Heavens! shall I ever forgetthe intense excitement of the moment? Alas! what is the boastedintellect of man? The rat! -- it was there -- that is to say, it wassomewhere. Diana smelled the rat. I -- I could not! Thus it is saidthe Prussian Isis has, for some persons, a sweet and very powerfulperfume, while to others it is perfectly scentless.The staircase had been surmounted, and there were now only three orfour more upward steps intervening between us and the summit. Westill ascended, and now only one step remained. One step! One little,little step! Upon one such little step in the great staircase ofhuman life how vast a sum of human happiness or misery depends! Ithought of myself, then of Pompey, and then of the mysterious andinexplicable destiny which surrounded us. I thought of Pompey! --alas, I thought of love! I thought of my many false steps which havebeen taken, and may be taken again. I resolved to be more cautious,more reserved. I abandoned the arm of Pompey, and, without hisassistance, surmounted the one remaining step, and gained the chamberof the belfry. I was followed immediately afterward by my poodle.Pompey alone remained behind. I stood at the head of the staircase,and encouraged him to ascend. He stretched forth to me his hand, andunfortunately in so doing was forced to abandon his firm hold uponthe overcoat. Will the gods never cease their persecution? Theovercoat is dropped, and, with one of his feet, Pompey stepped uponthe long and trailing skirt of the overcoat. He stumbled and fell --this consequence was inevitable. He fell forward, and, with hisaccursed head, striking me full in the -- in the breast, precipitatedme headlong, together with himself, upon the hard, filthy, anddetestable floor of the belfry. But my revenge was sure, sudden, andcomplete. Seizing him furiously by the wool with both hands, I toreout a vast quantity of black, and crisp, and curling material, andtossed it from me with every manifestation of disdain. It fell amongthe ropes of the belfry and remained. Pompey arose, and said no word.But he regarded me piteously with his large eyes and -- sighed. YeGods -- that sigh! It sunk into my heart. And the hair -- the wool!Could I have reached that wool I would have bathed it with my tears,in testimony of regret. But alas! it was now far beyond my grasp. Asit dangled among the cordage of the bell, I fancied it alive. Ifancied that it stood on end with indignation. Thus the happy-dandyFlos Aeris of Java bears, it is said, a beautiful flower, which willlive when pulled up by the roots. The natives suspend it by a cordfrom the ceiling and enjoy its fragrance for years.Our quarrel was now made up, and we looked about the room for anaperture through which to survey the city of Edina. Windows therewere none. The sole light admitted into the gloomy chamber proceededfrom a square opening, about a foot in diameter, at a height of aboutseven feet from the floor. Yet what will the energy of true geniusnot effect? I resolved to clamber up to this hole. A vast quantity ofwheels, pinions, and other cabalistic -- looking machinery stoodopposite the hole, close to it; and through the hole there passed aniron rod from the machinery. Between the wheels and the wall wherethe hole lay there was barely room for my body -- yet I wasdesperate, and determined to persevere. I called Pompey to my side."You perceive that aperture, Pompey. I wish to look through it. Youwill stand here just beneath the hole -- so. Now, hold out one ofyour hands, Pompey, and let me step upon it -- thus. Now, the otherhand, Pompey, and with its aid I will get upon your shoulders."He did every thing I wished, and I found, upon getting up, that Icould easily pass my head and neck through the aperture. The prospectwas sublime. Nothing could be more magnificent. I merely paused amoment to bid Diana behave herself, and assure Pompey that I would beconsiderate and bear as lightly as possible upon his shoulders. Itold him I would be tender of his feelings -- ossi tender quebeefsteak. Having done this justice to my faithful friend, I gavemyself up with great zest and enthusiasm to the enjoyment of thescene which so obligingly spread itself out before my eyes.Upon this subject, however, I shall forbear to dilate. I will notdescribe the city of Edinburgh. Every one has been to the city ofEdinburgh. Every one has been to Edinburgh -- the classic Edina. Iwill confine myself to the momentous details of my own lamentableadventure. Having, in some measure, satisfied my curiosity in regardto the extent, situation, and general appearance of the city, I hadleisure to survey the church in which I was, and the delicatearchitecture of the steeple. I observed that the aperture throughwhich I had thrust my head was an opening in the dial-plate of agigantic clock, and must have appeared, from the street, as a largekey-hole, such as we see in the face of the French watches. No doubtthe true object was to admit the arm of an attendant, to adjust, whennecessary, the hands of the clock from within. I observed also, withsurprise, the immense size of these hands, the longest of which couldnot have been less than ten feet in length, and, where broadest,eight or nine inches in breadth. They were of solid steel apparently,and their edges appeared to be sharp. Having noticed theseparticulars, and some others, I again turned my eyes upon theglorious prospect below, and soon became absorbed in contemplation.From this, after some minutes, I was aroused by the voice of Pompey,who declared that he could stand it no longer, and requested that Iwould be so kind as to come down. This was unreasonable, and I toldhim so in a speech of some length. He replied, but with an evidentmisunderstanding of my ideas upon the subject. I accordingly grewangry, and told him in plain words, that he was a fool, that he hadcommitted an ignoramus e-clench-eye, that his notions were mereinsommary Bovis, and his words little better than anennemywerrybor'em. With this he appeared satisfied, and I resumed mycontemplations.It might have been half an hour after this altercation when, as I wasdeeply absorbed in the heavenly scenery beneath me, I was startled bysomething very cold which pressed with a gentle pressure on the backof my neck. It is needless to say that I felt inexpressibly alarmed.I knew that Pompey was beneath my feet, and that Diana was sitting,according to my explicit directions, upon her hind legs, in thefarthest corner of the room. What could it be? Alas! I but too soondiscovered. Turning my head gently to one side, I perceived, to myextreme horror, that the huge, glittering, scimetar-like minute-handof the clock had, in the course of its hourly revolution, descendedupon my neck. There was, I knew, not a second to be lost. I pulledback at once -- but it was too late. There was no chance of forcingmy head through the mouth of that terrible trap in which it was sofairly caught, and which grew narrower and narrower with a rapiditytoo horrible to be conceived. The agony of that moment is not to beimagined. I threw up my hands and endeavored, with all my strength,to force upward the ponderous iron bar. I might as well have tried tolift the cathedral itself. Down, down, down it came, closer and yetcloser. I screamed to Pompey for aid; but he said that I had hurt hisfeelings by calling him 'an ignorant old squint-eye:' I yelled toDiana; but she only said 'bow-wow-wow,' and that I had told her 'onno account to stir from the corner.' Thus I had no relief to expectfrom my associates.Meantime the ponderous and terrific Scythe of Time (for I nowdiscovered the literal import of that classical phrase) had notstopped, nor was it likely to stop, in its career. Down and stilldown, it came. It had already buried its sharp edge a full inch in myflesh, and my sensations grew indistinct and confused. At one time Ifancied myself in Philadelphia with the stately Dr. Moneypenny, atanother in the back parlor of Mr. Blackwood receiving his invaluableinstructions. And then again the sweet recollection of better andearlier times came over me, and I thought of that happy period whenthe world was not all a desert, and Pompey not altogether cruel.The ticking of the machinery amused me. Amused me, I say, for mysensations now bordered upon perfect happiness, and the most triflingcircumstances afforded me pleasure. The eternal click-clak,click-clak, click-clak of the clock was the most melodious of musicin my ears, and occasionally even put me in mind of the gracefulsermonic harangues of Dr. Ollapod. Then there were the great figuresupon the dial-plate -- how intelligent how intellectual, they alllooked! And presently they took to dancing the Mazurka, and I thinkit was the figure V. who performed the most to my satisfaction. Shewas evidently a lady of breeding. None of your swaggerers, andnothing at all indelicate in her motions. She did the pirouette toadmiration -- whirling round upon her apex. I made an endeavor tohand her a chair, for I saw that she appeared fatigued with herexertions -- and it was not until then that I fully perceived mylamentable situation. Lamentable indeed! The bar had buried itselftwo inches in my neck. I was aroused to a sense of exquisite pain. Iprayed for death, and, in the agony of the moment, could not helprepeating those exquisite verses of the poet Miguel De Cervantes:Vanny Buren, tan escondidaQuery no te senty vennyPork and pleasure, delly morryNommy, torny, darry, widdy!But now a new horror presented itself, and one indeed sufficient tostartle the strongest nerves. My eyes, from the cruel pressure of themachine, were absolutely starting from their sockets. While I wasthinking how I should possibly manage without them, one actuallytumbled out of my head, and, rolling down the steep side of thesteeple, lodged in the rain gutter which ran along the eaves of themain building. The loss of the eye was not so much as the insolentair of independence and contempt with which it regarded me after itwas out. There it lay in the gutter just under my nose, and the airsit gave itself would have been ridiculous had they not beendisgusting. Such a winking and blinking were never before seen. Thisbehavior on the part of my eye in the gutter was not only irritatingon account of its manifest insolence and shameful ingratitude, butwas also exceedingly inconvenient on account of the sympathy whichalways exists between two eyes of the same head, however far apart. Iwas forced, in a manner, to wink and to blink, whether I would ornot, in exact concert with the scoundrelly thing that lay just undermy nose. I was presently relieved, however, by the dropping out ofthe other eye. In falling it took the same direction (possibly aconcerted plot) as its fellow. Both rolled out of the guttertogether, and in truth I was very glad to get rid of them.The bar was now four inches and a half deep in my neck, and there wasonly a little bit of skin to cut through. My sensations were those ofentire happiness, for I felt that in a few minutes, at farthest, Ishould be relieved from my disagreeable situation. And in thisexpectation I was not at all deceived. At twenty-five minutes pastfive in the afternoon, precisely, the huge minute-hand had proceededsufficiently far on its terrible revolution to sever the smallremainder of my neck. I was not sorry to see the head which hadoccasioned me so much embarrassment at length make a final separationfrom my body. It first rolled down the side of the steeple, thenlodge, for a few seconds, in the gutter, and then made its way, witha plunge, into the middle of the street.I will candidly confess that my feelings were now of the mostsingular -- nay, of the most mysterious, the most perplexing andincomprehensible character. My senses were here and there at one andthe same moment. With my head I imagined, at one time, that I, thehead, was the real Signora Psyche Zenobia -- at another I feltconvinced that myself, the body, was the proper identity. To clear myideas on this topic I felt in my pocket for my snuff-box, but, upongetting it, and endeavoring to apply a pinch of its grateful contentsin the ordinary manner, I became immediately aware of my peculiardeficiency, and threw the box at once down to my head. It took apinch with great satisfaction, and smiled me an acknowledgement inreturn. Shortly afterward it made me a speech, which I could hear butindistinctly without ears. I gathered enough, however, to know thatit was astonished at my wishing to remain alive under suchcircumstances. In the concluding sentences it quoted the noble wordsof Ariosto--Il pover hommy che non sera cortyAnd have a combat tenty erry morty; thus comparing me to the herowho, in the heat of the combat, not perceiving that he was dead,continued to contest the battle with inextinguishable valor. Therewas nothing now to prevent my getting down from my elevation, and Idid so. What it was that Pompey saw so very peculiar in my appearanceI have never yet been able to find out. The fellow opened his mouthfrom ear to ear, and shut his two eyes as if he were endeavoring tocrack nuts between the lids. Finally, throwing off his overcoat, hemade one spring for the staircase and disappeared. I hurled after thescoundrel these vehement words of Demosthenes-Andrew O'Phlegethon, you really make haste to fly, and then turned tothe darling of my heart, to the one-eyed! the shaggy-haired Diana.Alas! what a horrible vision affronted my eyes? Was that a rat I sawskulking into his hole? Are these the picked bones of the littleangel who has been cruelly devoured by the monster? Ye gods! and whatdo I behold -- is that the departed spirit, the shade, the ghost, ofmy beloved puppy, which I perceive sitting with a grace somelancholy, in the corner? Hearken! for she speaks, and, heavens! itis in the German of Schiller-"Unt stubby duk, so stubby dunDuk she! duk she!" Alas! and are not her words too true?"And if I died, at least I diedFor thee -- for thee." Sweet creature! she too has sacrificed herselfin my behalf. Dogless, niggerless, headless, what now remains for theunhappy Signora Psyche Zenobia? Alas -- nothing! I have done.
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