Chapter XLII: War!

by Mark Twain

　　I found Clarence alone in his quarters, drowned inmelancholy; and in place of the electric light, hehad reinstituted the ancient rag-lamp, and sat there ina grisly twilight with all curtains drawn tight. Hesprang up and rushed for me eagerly, saying:"Oh, it's worth a billion milrays to look upon alive person again!"He knew me as easily as if I hadn't been disguisedat all. Which frightened me; one may easily believethat."Quick, now, tell me the meaning of this fearfuldisaster," I said. "How did it come about?""Well, if there hadn't been any Queen Guenever, itwouldn't have come so early; but it would have come,anyway. It would have come on your own accountby and by; by luck, it happened to come on thequeen's.""And Sir Launcelot's?""Just so.""Give me the details.""I reckon you will grant that during some yearsthere has been only one pair of eyes in these kingdomsthat has not been looking steadily askance at the queenand Sir Launcelot --""Yes, King Arthur's.""-- and only one heart that was without suspicion --""Yes -- the king's; a heart that isn't capable ofthinking evil of a friend.""Well, the king might have gone on, still happyand unsuspecting, to the end of his days, but for oneof your modern improvements -- the stock-board.When you left, three miles of the London, Canterburyand Dover were ready for the rails, and also ready andripe for manipulation in the stock-market. It waswildcat, and everybody knew it. The stock was forsale at a give-away. What does Sir Launcelot do,but --""Yes, I know; he quietly picked up nearly all of itfor a song; then he bought about twice as much more,deliverable upon call; and he was about to call when Ileft.""Very well, he did call. The boys couldn't deliver. Oh, he had them -- and he just settled his gripand squeezed them. They were laughing in theirsleeves over their smartness in selling stock to him at15 and 16 and along there that wasn't worth 10.Well, when they had laughed long enough on thatside of their mouths, they rested-up that side by shifting the laugh to the other side. That was when theycompromised with the Invincible at 283!""Good land!""He skinned them alive, and they deserved it --anyway, the whole kingdom rejoiced. Well, amongthe flayed were Sir Agravaine and Sir Mordred,nephews to the king. End of the first act. Actsecond, scene first, an apartment in Carlisle castle,where the court had gone for a few days' hunting.Persons present, the whole tribe of the king's nephews.Mordred and Agravaine propose to call the guilelessArthur's attention to Guenever and Sir Launcelot. SirGawaine, Sir Gareth, and Sir Gaheris will have nothingto do with it. A dispute ensues, with loud talk; inthe midst of it enter the king. Mordred and Agravainespring their devastating tale upon him. Tableau. Atrap is laid for Launcelot, by the king's command, andSir Launcelot walks into it. He made it sufficientlyuncomfortable for the ambushed witnesses -- to wit,Mordred, Agravaine, and twelve knights of lesser rank,for he killed every one of them but Mordred; but ofcourse that couldn't straighten matters between Launcelot and the king, and didn't.""Oh, dear, only one thing could result -- I see that.War, and the knights of the realm divided into a king'sparty and a Sir Launcelot's party.""Yes -- that was the way of it. The king sent thequeen to the stake, proposing to purify her with fire.Launcelot and his knights rescued her, and in doing itslew certain good old friends of yours and mine -- infact, some of the best we ever had; to wit, Sir Belias leOrgulous, Sir Segwarides, Sir Griflet le Fils de Dieu,Sir Brandiles, Sir Aglovale --""Oh, you tear out my heartstrings.""-- wait, I'm not done yet -- Sir Tor, Sir Gauter,Sir Gillimer --""The very best man in my subordinate nine.What a handy right-fielder he was!""-- Sir Reynold's three brothers, Sir Damus, SirPriamus, Sir Kay the Stranger --""My peerless short-stop! I've seen him catch adaisy-cutter in his teeth. Come, I can't stand this!""-- Sir Driant, Sir Lambegus, Sir Herminde, SirPertilope, Sir Perimones, and -- whom do you think?""Rush! Go on.""Sir Gaheris, and Sir Gareth -- both!""Oh, incredible! Their love for Launcelot was indestructible.""Well, it was an accident. They were simply onlookers; they were unarmed, and were merely there towitness the queen's punishment. Sir Launcelot smotedown whoever came in the way of his blind fury, andhe killed these without noticing who they were. Hereis an instantaneous photograph one of our boys got ofthe battle; it's for sale on every news-stand. There-- the figures nearest the queen are Sir Launcelot withhis sword up, and Sir Gareth gasping his latest breath.You can catch the agony in the queen's face throughthe curling smoke. It's a rattling battle-picture.""Indeed, it is. We must take good care of it; itshistorical value is incalculable. Go on.""Well, the rest of the tale is just war, pure andsimple. Launcelot retreated to his town and castle ofJoyous Gard, and gathered there a great following ofknights. The king, with a great host, went there, andthere was desperate fighting during several days, and,as a result, all the plain around was paved with corpsesand cast-iron. Then the Church patched up a peacebetween Arthur and Launcelot and the queen andeverybody -- everybody but Sir Gawaine. He wasbitter about the slaying of his brothers, Gareth andGaheris, and would not be appeased. He notifiedLauncelot to get him thence, and make swift preparation, and look to be soon attacked. So Launcelotsailed to his Duchy of Guienne with his following, andGawaine soon followed with an army, and he beguiledArthur to go with him. Arthur left the kingdom inSir Mordred's hands until you should return --""Ah -- a king's customary wisdom!""Yes. Sir Mordred set himself at once to work tomake his kingship permanent. He was going to marryGuenever, as a first move; but she fled and shut herself up in the Tower of London. Mordred attacked;the Bishop of Canterbury dropped down on him withthe Interdict. The king returned; Mordred foughthim at Dover, at Canterbury, and again at BarhamDown. Then there was talk of peace and a composition. Terms, Mordred to have Cornwall and Kentduring Arthur's life, and the whole kingdom afterward.""Well, upon my word! My dream of a republic tobe a dream, and so remain.""Yes. The two armies lay near Salisbury. Gawaine -- Gawaine's head is at Dover Castle, he fell inthe fight there -- Gawaine appeared to Arthur in adream, at least his ghost did, and warned him to refrain from conflict for a month, let the delay cost whatit might. But battle was precipitated by an accident.Arthur had given order that if a sword was raisedduring the consultation over the proposed treaty withMordred, sound the trumpet and fall on! for he hadno confidence in Mordred. Mordred had given asimilar order to his people. Well, by and by anadder bit a knight's heel; the knight forgot all aboutthe order, and made a slash at the adder with hissword. Inside of half a minute those two prodigioushosts came together with a crash! They butcheredaway all day. Then the king -- however, we havestarted something fresh since you left -- our paperhas.""No? What is that?""War correspondence!""Why, that's good.""Yes, the paper was booming right along, for theInterdict made no impression, got no grip, while thewar lasted. I had war correspondents with botharmies. I will finish that battle by reading you whatone of the boys says:Then the king looked about him, and then was heware of all his host and of all his good knightswere left no more on live but two knights, thatwas Sir Lucan de Butlere, and his brother SirBedivere: and they were full sore wounded. Jesumercy, said the king, where are all my nobleknights becomen? Alas that ever I should see thisdoleful day. For now, said Arthur, I am come tomine end. But would to God that I wist where werethat traitor Sir Mordred, that hath caused allthis mischief. Then was King Arthur ware where SirMordred leaned upon his sword among a great heapof dead men. Now give me my spear, said Arthurunto Sir Lucan, for yonder I have espied thetraitor that all this woe hath wrought. Sir, lethim be, said Sir Lucan, for he is unhappy; and ifye pass this unhappy day, ye shall be right wellrevenged upon him. Good lord, remember ye of yournight's dream, and what the spirit of Sir Gawainetold you this night, yet God of his great goodnesshath preserved you hitherto. Therefore, for God'ssake, my lord, leave off by this. For blessed beGod ye have won the field: for here we be threeon live, and with Sir Mordred is none on live.And if ye leave off now, this wicked day ofdestiny is past. Tide me death, betide me life,saith the king, now I see him yonder alone, heshall never escape mine hands, for at a betteravail shall I never have him. God speed you well,said Sir Bedivere. Then the king gat his spearin both his hands, and ran toward Sir Mordredcrying, Traitor, now is thy death day come. Andwhen Sir Mordred heard Sir Arthur, he ran untilhim with his sword drawn in his hand. And thenKing Arthur smote Sir Mordred under the shield,with a foin of his spear throughout the body morethan a fathom. And when Sir Mordred felt that hehad his death's wound, he thrust himself, withthe might that he had, up to the butt of KingArthur's spear. And right so he smote his fatherArthur with his sword holden in both his hands,on the side of the head, that the sword piercedthe helmet and the brain-pan, and therewithalSir Mordred fell stark dead to the earth. Andthe noble Arthur fell in a swoon to the earth,and there he swooned oft-times"That is a good piece of war correspondence,Clarence; you are a first-rate newspaper man. Well-- is the king all right?" Did he get well?""Poor soul, no. He is dead."I was utterly stunned; it had not seemed to me thatany wound could be mortal to him."And the queen, Clarence?""She is a nun, in Almesbury.""What changes! and in such a short while. It isinconceivable. What next, I wonder?""I can tell you what next.""Well?""Stake our lives and stand by them!""What do you mean by that?""The Church is master now. The Interdict included you with Mordred; it is not to be removedwhile you remain alive. The clans are gathering. TheChurch has gathered all the knights that are left alive,and as soon as you are discovered we shall have business on our hands.""Stuff! With our deadly scientific war-material;with our hosts of trained --""Save your breath -- we haven't sixty faithful left!""What are you saying? Our schools, our colleges,our vast workshops, our --""When those knights come, those establishmentswill empty themselves and go over to the enemy. Didyou think you had educated the superstition out ofthose people?""I certainly did think it.""Well, then, you may unthink it. They stoodevery strain easily -- until the Interdict. Since then,they merely put on a bold outside -- at heart they arequaking. Make up your mind to it -- when the armiescome, the mask will fall.""It's hard news. We are lost. They will turn ourown science against us.""No they won't.""Why?""Because I and a handful of the faithful haveblocked that game. I'll tell you what I've done, andwhat moved me to it. Smart as you are, the Churchwas smarter. It was the Church that sent you cruising-- through her servants, the doctors.""Clarence!""It is the truth. I know it. Every officer of yourship was the Church's picked servant, and so was everyman of the crew.""Oh, come!""It is just as I tell you. I did not find out thesethings at once, but I found them out finally. Did yousend me verbal information, by the commander of theship, to the effect that upon his return to you, withsupplies, you were going to leave Cadiz --""Cadiz! I haven't been at Cadiz at all!""-- going to leave Cadiz and cruise in distant seasindefinitely, for the health of your family? Did yousend me that word?""Of course not. I would have written, wouldn'tI?""Naturally. I was troubled and suspicious. Whenthe commander sailed again I managed to ship a spywith him. I have never heard of vessel or spy since.I gave myself two weeks to hear from you in. Then Iresolved to send a ship to Cadiz. There was a reasonwhy I didn't.""What was that?""Our navy had suddenly and mysteriously disappeared! Also, as suddenly and as mysteriously, therailway and telegraph and telephone service ceased,the men all deserted, poles were cut down, the Churchlaid a ban upon the electric light! I had to be upand doing -- and straight off. Your life was safe --nobody in these kingdoms but Merlin would venture totouch such a magician as you without ten thousandmen at his back -- I had nothing to think of but howto put preparations in the best trim against yourcoming. I felt safe myself -- nobody would be anxiousto touch a pet of yours. So this is what I did. Fromour various works I selected all the men -- boys Imean -- whose faithfulness under whatsoever pressureI could swear to, and I called them together secretlyand gave them their instructions. There are fifty-twoof them; none younger than fourteen, and none aboveseventeen years old.""Why did you select boys?""Because all the others were born in an atmosphereof superstition and reared in it. It is in their bloodand bones. We imagined we had educated it out ofthem; they thought so, too; the Interdict woke themup like a thunderclap! It revealed them to themselves,and it revealed them to me, too. With boys it wasdifferent. Such as have been under our training fromseven to ten years have had no acquaintance with theChurch's terrors, and it was among these that I foundmy fifty-two. As a next move, I paid a private visitto that old cave of Merlin's -- not the small one -- thebig one --""Yes, the one where we secretly established our firstgreat electric plant when I was projecting a miracle.""Just so. And as that miracle hadn't becomenecessary then, I thought it might be a good idea toutilize the plant now. I've provisioned the cave for asiege --""A good idea, a first-rate idea.""I think so. I placed four of my boys there as aguard -- inside, and out of sight. Nobody was to behurt -- while outside; but any attempt to enter -- well,we said just let anybody try it! Then I went out intothe hills and uncovered and cut the secret wires whichconnected your bedroom with the wires that go to thedynamite deposits under all our vast factories, mills,workshops, magazines, etc., and about midnight I andmy boys turned out and connected that wire with thecave, and nobody but you and I suspects where theother end of it goes to. We laid it under ground, ofcourse, and it was all finished in a couple of hours orso. We sha'n't have to leave our fortress now whenwe want to blow up our civilization.""It was the right move -- and the natural one;military necessity, in the changed condition of things.Well, what changes have come! We expected to bebesieged in the palace some time or other, but -- however, go on.""Next, we built a wire fence.""Wire fence?""Yes. You dropped the hint of it yourself, two orthree years ago.""Oh, I remember -- the time the Church tried herstrength against us the first time, and presently thoughtit wise to wait for a hopefuler season. Well, how haveyou arranged the fence?""I start twelve immensely strong wires -- naked, notinsulated -- from a big dynamo in the cave -- dynamowith no brushes except a positive and a negative one --""Yes, that's right.""The wires go out from the cave and fence in acircle of level ground a hundred yards in diameter;they make twelve independent fences, ten feet apart --that is to say, twelve circles within circles -- and theirends come into the cave again.""Right; go on.""The fences are fastened to heavy oaken posts onlythree feet apart, and these posts are sunk five feet inthe ground.""That is good and strong.""Yes. The wires have no ground-connection outside of the cave. They go out from the positive brushof the dynamo; there is a ground-connection throughthe negative brush; the other ends of the wire returnto the cave, and each is grounded independently.""Nono, that won't do!""Why?""It's too expensive -- uses up force for nothing.You don't want any ground-connection except the onethrough the negative brush. The other end of everywire must be brought back into the cave and fastenedindependently, and without any ground-connection.Now, then, observe the economy of it. A cavalrycharge hurls itself against the fence; you are using nopower, you are spending no money, for there is onlyone ground-connection till those horses come againstthe wire; the moment they touch it they form a connection with the negative brush through the ground,and drop dead. Don't you see? -- you are using noenergy until it is needed; your lightning is there, andready, like the load in a gun; but it isn't costing youa cent till you touch it off. Oh, yes, the singleground-connection --""Of course! I don't know how I overlooked that.It's not only cheaper, but it's more effectual than theother way, for if wires break or get tangled, no harmis done."No, especially if we have a tell-tale in the caveand disconnect the broken wire. Well, go on. Thegatlings?""Yes -- that's arranged. In the center of the innercircle, on a spacious platform six feet high, I'vegrouped a battery of thirteen gatling guns, and provided plenty of ammunition.""That's it. They command every approach, andwhen the Church's knights arrive, there's going to bemusic. The brow of the precipice over the cave --""I've got a wire fence there, and a gatling. Theywon't drop any rocks down on us.""Well, and the glass-cylinder dynamite torpedoes?""That's attended to. It's the prettiest garden thatwas ever planted. It's a belt forty feet wide, and goesaround the outer fence -- distance between it and thefence one hundred yards -- kind of neutral ground thatspace is. There isn't a single square yard of thatwhole belt but is equipped with a torpedo. We laidthem on the surface of the ground, and sprinkled alayer of sand over them. It's an innocent lookinggarden, but you let a man start in to hoe it once, andyou'll see.""You tested the torpedoes?""Well, I was going to, but --""But what? Why, it's an immense oversight notto apply a --""Test? Yes, I know; but they're all right; I laida few in the public road beyond our lines and they'vebeen tested.""Oh, that alters the case. Who did it?""A Church committee.""How kind!""Yes. They came to command us to make submission . You see they didn't really come to test thetorpedoes; that was merely an incident.""Did the committee make a report?""Yes, they made one. You could have heard it amile.""Unanimous?""That was the nature of it. After that I put upsome signs, for the protection of future committees,and we have had no intruders since.""Clarence, you've done a world of work, and doneit perfectly.""We had plenty of time for it; there wasn't anyoccasion for hurry."We sat silent awhile, thinking. Then my mind wasmade up, and I said:"Yes, everything is ready; everything is shipshape,no detail is wanting. I know what to do now.""So do I; sit down and wait.""No, sir! rise up and strike!""Do you mean it?""Yes, indeed! The defensive isn't in my line, andthe offensive is. That is, when I hold a fair hand --two-thirds as good a hand as the enemy. Oh, yes,we'll rise up and strike; that's our game."" A hundred to one you are right. When does theperformance begin?""Now! We'll proclaim the Republic.""Well, that will precipitate things, sure enough!""It will make them buzz, I tell you! England willbe a hornets' nest before noon to-morrow, if theChurch's hand hasn't lost its cunning -- and we knowit hasn't. Now you write and I'll dictate thus:"PROCLAMATION---"BE IT KNOWN UNTO ALL. Whereas the king having diedand left no heir, it becomes my duty to continue theexecutive authority vested in me, until a governmentshall have been created and set in motion. Themonarchy has lapsed, it no longer exists. Byconsequence, all political power has reverted to itsoriginal source, the people of the nation. With themonarchy, its several adjuncts died also; whereforethere is no longer a nobility, no longer a privilegedclass, no longer an Established Church; all men arebecome exactly equal; they are upon one commonlevel, and religion is free. A REPUBLIC IS HEREBYPROCLAIMED, as being the natural estate of a nationwhen other authority has ceased. It is the duty ofthe British people to meet together immediately,and by their votes elect representatives and deliverinto their hands the government."I signed it "The Boss," and dated it from Merlin'sCave. Clarence said --"Why, that tells where we are, and invites them tocall right away.""That is the idea. We strike -- by the Proclamation -- then it's their innings. Now have the thing setup and printed and posted, right off; that is, give theorder; then, if you've got a couple of bicycles handyat the foot of the hill, ho for Merlin's Cave!""I shall be ready in ten minutes. What a cyclonethere is going to be to-morrow when this piece ofpaper gets to work!...... It's a pleasant old palace,this is; I wonder if we shall ever again -- but nevermind about that."