E

by Ambrose Bierce

　　EAT,v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication,humectation, and deglutition."I was in the drawing-room, enjoying mydinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!"interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "Imust beg you to observe, monsieur," explained the great gastronome,"that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I haddined an hour before."EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimesand vices of another or yourself.

　　A lady with one of her ears applied

　　To an open keyhole heard, inside,

　　Two female gossips in converse free --

　　The subject engaging them was she.

　　"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks

　　That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"

　　As soon as no more of it she could hear

　　The lady, indignant, removed her ear.

　　"I will not stay," she said, with a pout,

　　"To hear my character lied about!"

　　Gopete Sherany

　　ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employit to accentuate their incapacity.

　　ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not needfor the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

　　EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm toa toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a manto a worm.

　　EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos,Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuouscensor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of othersand the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightningand sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackerspetulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmursa mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayerto the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacledupon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors ofthe Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, theeditor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit.And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voiceof the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religiousmeditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.

　　O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,

　　A gilded impostor is he.

　　Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,

　　His crown is brass,

　　Himself an ass,

　　And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.

　　Prankily, crankily prating of naught,

　　Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.

　　Public opinion's camp-follower he,

　　Thundering, blundering, plundering free.

　　Affected,

　　Ungracious,

　　Suspected,

　　Mendacious,

　　Respected contemporaree!

　　J.H. Bumbleshook

　　EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises fromthe foolish their lack of understanding.

　　EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur togetherin the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate theother -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has neverseen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit thecause of a dog.

　　EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himselfthan in me.

　　Megaceph, chosen to serve the State

　　In the halls of legislative debate,

　　One day with all his credentials came

　　To the capitol's door and announced his name.

　　The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist

　　Of the face, at the eminent egotist,

　　And said: "Go away, for we settle here

　　All manner of questions, knotty and queer,

　　And we cannot have, when the speaker demands

　　To be told how every member stands,

　　A man who to all things under the sky

　　Assents by eternally voting 'I'."

　　EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty.

　　ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting forthe man of another man's choice.

　　ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena notknown to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning,and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesqueincidents in that great and good man's career. The memory of Dr. Franklinis justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxeneffigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touchingaccount of his life and services to science:

　　"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This

　　illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the

　　world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages,

　　of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."

　　Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the artsand industries. The question of its economical application to some purposesis still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propela street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a horse.

　　ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employingany of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader'smind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example beginssomewhat like this:

　　The cur foretells the knell of parting day;

　　The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;

　　The wise man homeward plods; I only stay

　　To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.

　　ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white isthe color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any colorappear white.

　　ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancientsfoolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculousand mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the earlyChristians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!

　　EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of anotherto the despotism of himself.

　　He was a slave: at word he went and came;

　　His iron collar cut him to the bone.

　　Then Liberty erased his owner's name,

　　Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.

　　G.J.

　　EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases uponwhich it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the naturalbalance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their oncefertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more thana meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the samedirection, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor'slawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomedto a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, butin the meantime the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his_glutoeus maximus_.

　　EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination ofthe heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious dischargeof hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

　　ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar.

　　END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from theInterlocutor.

　　The man was perishing apace

　　Who played the tambourine;

　　The seal of death was on his face --

　　'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.

　　"This is the end," the sick man said

　　In faint and failing tones.

　　A moment later he was dead,

　　And Tambourine was Bones.

　　Tinley Roquot

　　ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.

　　Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter

　　Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter.

　　Arbely C. Strunk

　　ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop shortof death by injection.

　　ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses ofrepentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron,who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse,which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.

　　ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill;the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

　　ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

　　EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a militaryofficer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower rankto whom his death would give promotion.

　　EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopherwho, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no timein gratification from the senses.

　　EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequentlycharacterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Followingare some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr.Jamrach Holobom:

　　We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To

　　serve oneself is economy of administration.

　　In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a

　　nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal

　　activity.

　　There are three sexes; males, females and girls.

　　Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this:

　　they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be

　　ashamed of.

　　While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands

　　you are safe, for you can watch both his.

　　EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquiredby death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:

　　Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,

　　Wise, pious, humble and all that,

　　Who showed us life as all should live it;

　　Let that be said -- and God forgive it!

　　ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

　　So wide his erudition's mighty span,

　　He knew Creation's origin and plan

　　And only came by accident to grief --

　　He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.

　　Romach Pute

　　ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult.The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those thatthe philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, thosethat nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundlyaffected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time.

　　ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes ofMan, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.

　　EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.Adispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to whatit was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand havealready been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

　　EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages ofwealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

　　EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religioussense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of ourneighbors.

　　EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidencethat I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I amnot unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop ofWorcester, entitled, A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His bookwas once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still,I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.

　　EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from otherthings of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "Theexception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lipsof the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought ofits absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam"means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof,not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from thisexcellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted anevil power which appears to be immortal.

　　EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriatepenalties the law of moderation.

　　Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine,

　　To thee in worship do I bend the knee

　　Who preach abstemiousness unto me --

　　My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.

　　Precept on precept, aye, and line on line,

　　Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree

　　With reason as thy touch, exact and free,

　　Upon my forehead and along my spine.

　　At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,

　　With the hot grape I warm no more my wit;

　　When on thy stool of penitence I sit

　　I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.

　　Ungrateful he who afterward would falter

　　To make new sacrifices at thine altar!

　　EXCOMMUNICATION, n.

　　This "excommunication" is a word

　　In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,

　　And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,

　　Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal --

　　A rite permitting Satan to enslave him

　　Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.

　　Gat Huckle

　　EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is toenforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicialdepartment shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect.Following is an extract from an old book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished-- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:

　　LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law

　　it goes directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at

　　once be known whether it is constitutional?

　　TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the

　　Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many

　　years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I

　　mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to

　　execute it at once.

　　LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.

　　Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances

　　that they enforce?

　　TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in their character of

　　constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the

　　approval of those whom they are intended to restrain.

　　LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by themurderer.

　　TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent.

　　LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicialmachineryto pass upon the validity of laws only after they

　　have long been executed, and then only when brought before the

　　court by some private person -- does it not cause great

　　confusion?

　　TERRESTRIAN: It does.

　　LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being executed,be validated, not by the signature of your

　　President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme

　　Court?

　　TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course.

　　LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that?

　　TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in threevolumes each. So how can any one know?

　　EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of anotherupon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.

　　EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet isnot an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "TheExile of Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchoron it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate aftera career of unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was foundin the ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:

　　Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received.War with the whole world!

　　EXISTENCE, n.

　　A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,

　　Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:

　　From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge

　　Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"

　　EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirableold acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

　　To one who, journeying through night and fog,

　　Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,

　　Experience, like the rising of the dawn,

　　Reveals the path that he should not have gone.

　　Joel Frad Bink

　　EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools preferto lose their friends.

　　EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology createdthe future state.