An Uncomfortable Bed

by Guy de Maupassant

　　One autumn I went to spend the hunting season with some friends in achateau in Picardy.My friends were fond of practical jokes. I do not care to know peoplewho are not.When I arrived, they gave me a princely reception, which at once awakenedsuspicion in my mind. They fired off rifles, embraced me, made much ofme, as if they expected to have great fun at my expense.I said to myself:"Look out, old ferret! They have something in store for you."During the dinner the mirth was excessive, exaggerated, in fact.I thought: "Here are people who have more than their share of amusement,and apparently without reason. They must have planned some good joke.Assuredly I am to be the victim of the joke. Attention!"During the entire evening every one laughed in an exaggerated fashion.I scented a practical joke in the air, as a dog scents game. But whatwas it? I was watchful, restless. I did not let a word, or a meaning,or a gesture escape me. Every one seemed to me an object of suspicion,and I even looked distrustfully at the faces of the servants.The hour struck for retiring; and the whole household came to escort meto my room. Why?They called to me: "Good-night." I entered the apartment, shut the door,and remained standing, without moving a single step, holding the waxcandle in my hand.I heard laughter and whispering in the corridor. Without doubt they werespying on me. I cast a glance round the walls, the furniture, theceiling, the hangings, the floor. I saw nothing to justify suspicion.I heard persons moving about outside my door. I had no doubt they werelooking through the keyhole.An idea came into my head: "My candle may suddenly go out and leave me indarkness."Then I went across to the mantelpiece and lighted all the wax candlesthat were on it. After that I cast another glance around me withoutdiscovering anything. I advanced with short steps, carefully examiningthe apartment. Nothing. I inspected every article, one after the other.Still nothing. I went over to the window. The shutters, large woodenshutters, were open. I shut them with great care, and then drew thecurtains, enormous velvet curtains, and placed a chair in front of them,so as to have nothing to fear from outside.Then I cautiously sat down. The armchair was solid. I did not ventureto get into the bed. However, the night was advancing; and I ended bycoming to the conclusion that I was foolish. If they were spying on me,as I supposed, they must, while waiting for the success of the joke theyhad been preparing for me, have been laughing immoderately at my terror.So I made up my mind to go to bed. But the bed was particularlysuspicious-looking. I pulled at the curtains. They seemed to be secure.All the same, there was danger. I was going perhaps to receive a coldshower both from overhead, or perhaps, the moment I stretched myself out,to find myself sinking to the floor with my mattress. I searched in mymemory for all the practical jokes of which I ever had experience. And Idid not want to be caught. Ah! certainly not! certainly not! Then Isuddenly bethought myself of a precaution which I considered insuredsafety. I caught hold of the side of the mattress gingerly, and veryslowly drew it toward me. It came away, followed by the sheet and therest of the bedclothes. I dragged all these objects into the very middleof the room, facing the entrance door. I made my bed over again as bestI could at some distance from the suspected bedstead and the corner whichhad filled me with such anxiety. Then I extinguished all the candles,and, groping my way, I slipped under the bed clothes.For at least another hour I remained awake, starting at the slightestsound. Everything seemed quiet in the chateau. I fell asleep.I must have been in a deep sleep for a long time, but all of a sudden Iwas awakened with a start by the fall of a heavy body tumbling right ontop of my own, and, at the same time, I received on my face, on my neck,and on my chest a burning liquid which made me utter a howl of pain. Anda dreadful noise, as if a sideboard laden with plates and dishes hadfallen down, almost deafened me.I was smothering beneath the weight that was crushing me and preventingme from moving. I stretched out my hand to find out what was the natureof this object. I felt a face, a nose, and whiskers. Then, with all mystrength, I launched out a blow at this face. But I immediately receiveda hail of cuffings which made me jump straight out of the soaked sheets,and rush in my nightshirt into the corridor, the door of which I foundopen.Oh, heavens! it was broad daylight. The noise brought my friendshurrying into my apartment, and we found, sprawling over my improvisedbed, the dismayed valet, who, while bringing me my morning cup of tea,had tripped over this obstacle in the middle of the floor and fallen onhis stomach, spilling my breakfast over my face in spite of himself.The precautions I had taken in closing the shutters and going to sleep inthe middle of the room had only brought about the practical joke I hadbeen trying to avoid.Oh, how they all laughed that day!