Part Five: Chapter 21

by Leo Tolstoy

　　From the moment when Alexey Alexandrovitch understood from hisinterviews with Betsy and with Stepan Arkadyevitch that all thatwas expected of him was to leave his wife in peace, withoutburdening her with his presence, and that his wife herselfdesired this, he felt so distraught that he could come to nodecision of himself; he did not know himself what he wanted now,and putting himself in the hands of those who were so pleased tointerest themselves in his affairs, he met everything withunqualified assent. It was only when Anna had left his house,and the English governess sent to ask him whether she should dinewith him or separately, that for the first time he clearlycomprehended his position, and was appalled by it. Mostdifficult of all in this position was the fact that he could notin any way connect and reconcile his past with what was now. Itwas not the past when he had lived happily with his wife thattroubled him. The transition from that past to a knowledge ofhis wife's unfaithfulness he had lived through miserably already;that state was painful, but he could understand it. If his wifehad then, on declaring to him her unfaithfulness, left him, hewould have been wounded, unhappy, but he would not have been inthe hopeless position--incomprehensible to himself--in which hefelt himself now. He could not now reconcile his immediate past,his tenderness, his love for his sick wife, and for the otherman's child with what was now the case, that is with the factthat, as it were, in return for all this he now found himselfalone, put to shame, a laughing-stock, needed by no one, anddespised by everyone.

　　For the first two days after his wife's departure AlexeyAlexandrovitch received applicants for assistance and his chiefsecretary, drove to the committee, and went down to dinner in thedining room as usual. Without giving himself a reason for whathe was doing, he strained every nerve of his being for those twodays, simply to preserve an appearance of composure, and even ofindifference. Answering inquiries about the disposition of AnnaArkadyevna's rooms and belongings, he had exercised immenseself-control to appear like a man in whose eyes what had occurredwas not unforeseen nor out of the ordinary course of events, andhe attained his aim: no one could have detected in him signs ofdespair. But on the second day after her departure, when Korneygave him a bill from a fashionable draper's shop, which Anna hadforgotten to pay, and announced that the clerk from the shop waswaiting, Alexey Alexandrovitch told him to show the clerk up.

　　"Excuse me, your excellency, for venturing to trouble you. Butif you direct us to apply to her excellency, would you graciouslyoblige us with her address?"

　　Alexey Alexandrovitch pondered, as it seemed to the clerk, andall at once, turning round, he sat down at the table. Lettinghis head sink into his hands, he sat for a long while in thatposition, several times attempted to speak and stopped short.Korney, perceiving his master's emotion, asked the clerk to callanother time. Left alone, Alexey Alexandrovitch recognized thathe had not the strength to keep up the line of firmness andcomposure any longer. He gave orders for the carriage that wasawaiting him to be taken back, and for no one to be admitted, andhe did not go down to dinner.

　　He felt that he could not endure the weight of universal contemptand exasperation, which he had distinctly seen in the face of theclerk and of Korney, and of everyone, without exception, whom hehad met during those two days. He felt that he could not turnaside from himself the hatred of men, because that hatred did notcome from his being bad (in that case he could have tried to bebetter), but from his being shamefully and repulsively unhappy.He knew that for this, for the very fact that his heart was tornwith grief, they would be merciless to him. He felt that menwould crush him as dogs strangle a torn dog yelping with pain.He knew that his sole means of security against people was tohide his wounds from them, and instinctively he tried to do thisfor two days, but now he felt incapable of keeping up the unequalstruggle.

　　His despair was even intensified by the consciousness that he wasutterly alone in his sorrow. In all Petersburg there was not ahuman being to whom he could express what he was feeling, whowould feel for him, not as a high official, not as a member ofsociety, but simply as a suffering man; indeed he had not such aone in the whole world.

　　Alexey Alexandrovitch grew up an orphan. There were twobrothers. They did not remember their father, and their motherdied when Alexey Alexandrovitch was ten years old. The propertywas a small one. Their uncle, Karenin, a government official ofhigh standing, at one time a favorite of the late Tsar, hadbrought them up.

　　On completing his high school and university courses with medals,Alexey Alexandrovitch had, with his uncle's aid, immediatelystarted in a prominent position in the service, and from thattime forward he had devoted himself exclusively to politicalambition. In the high school and the university, and afterwardsin the service, Alexey Alexandrovitch had never formed a closefriendship with anyone. His brother had been the person nearestto his heart, but he had a post in the Ministry of ForeignAffairs, and was always abroad, where he had died shortly afterAlexey Alexandrovitch's marriage.

　　While he was governor of a province, Anna's aunt, a wealthyprovincial lady, had thrown him--middle-aged as he was, thoughyoung for a governor--with her niece, and had succeeded inputting him in such a position that he had either to declarehimself or to leave the town. Alexey Alexandrovitch was not longin hesitation. There were at the time as many reasons for thestep as against it, and there was no overbalancing considerationto outweigh his invariable rule of abstaining when in doubt. ButAnna's aunt had through a common acquaintance insinuated that hehad already compromised the girl, and that he was in honor boundto make her an offer. He made the offer, and concentrated on hisbetrothed and his wife all the feeling of which he was capable.

　　The attachment he felt to Anna precluded in his heart every needof intimate relations with others. And now among all hisacquaintances he had not one friend. He had plenty of so-calledconnections, but no friendships. Alexey Alexandrovitch hadplenty of people whom he could invite to dinner, to whosesympathy he could appeal in any public affair he was concernedabout, whose interest he could reckon upon for anyone he wishedto help, with whom he could candidly discuss other people'sbusiness and affairs of state. But his relations with thesepeople were confined to one clearly defined channel, and had acertain routine from which it was impossible to depart. Therewas one man, a comrade of his at the university, with whom he hadmade friends later, and with whom he could have spoken of apersonal sorrow; but this friend had a post in the Department ofEducation in a remote part of Russia. Of the people inPetersburg the most intimate and most possible were his chiefsecretary and his doctor.

　　Mihail Vassilievitch Sludin, the chief secretary, was astraightforward, intelligent, good-hearted, and conscientiousman, and Alexey Alexandrovitch was aware of his personalgoodwill. But their five years of official work together seemedto have put a barrier between them that cut off warmer relations.

　　After signing the papers brought him, Alexey Alexandrovitch hadsat for a long while in silence, glancing at MihailVassilievitch, and several times he attempted to speak, but couldnot. He had already prepared the phrase: "You have heard of mytrouble?" But he ended by saying, as usual: "So you'll get thisready for me?" and with that dismissed him.

　　The other person was the doctor, who had also a kindly feelingfor him; but there had long existed a taciturn understandingbetween them that both were weighed down by work, and always in ahurry.

　　Of his women friends, foremost amongst them Countess LidiaIvanovna, Alexey Alexandrovitch never thought. All women, simplyas women, were terrible and distasteful to him.