Part One: Chapter 13

by Leo Tolstoy

　　After dinner, and till the beginning of the evening, Kitty wasfeeling a sensation akin to the sensation of a young man before abattle. Her heat throbbed violently, and her thoughts would notrest on anything.

　　She felt that this evening, when they would both meet for thefirst time, would be a turning point in her life. And she wascontinually picturing them to herself, at one moment eachseparately, and then both together. When she mused on the past,she dwelt with pleasure, with tenderness, on the memories of herrelations with Levin. The memories of childhood and of Levin'sfriendship with her dead brother gave a special poetic charm toher relations with him. His love for her, of which she feltcertain, was flattering and delightful to her; and it waspleasant for her to think of Levin. In her memories of Vronskythere always entered a certain element of awkwardness, though hewas in the highest degree well-bred and at ease, as though therewere some false note--not in Vronsky, he was very simple andnice, but in herself, while with Levin she felt perfectly simpleand clear. But, on the other hand, directly she thought of thefuture with Vronsky, there arose before her a perspective ofbrilliant happiness; with Levin the future seemed misty.

　　When she went upstairs to dress, and looked into thelooking-glass, she noticed with joy that it was one of her gooddays, and that she was in complete possession of all herforces,--she needed this so for what lay before her: she wasconscious of external composure and free grace in her movements.

　　At half-past seven she had only just gone down into the drawingroom, when the footman announced, "Konstantin DmitrievitchLevin." The princess was still in her room, and the prince hadnot come in. "So it is to be," thought Kitty, and all the bloodseemed to rush to her heart. She was horrified at her paleness,as she glanced into the looking-glass. At that moment she knewbeyond doubt that he had come early on purpose to find her aloneand to make her an offer. And only then for the first time thewhole thing presented itself in a new, different aspect; onlythen she realized that the question did not affect her only--with whom she would be happy, and whom she loved--but that shewould have that moment to wound a man whom she liked. And towound him cruelly. What for? Because he, dear fellow, lovedher, was in love with her. But there was no help for it, so itmust be, so it would have to be.

　　"My God! shall I myself really have to say it to him?" shethought. "Can I tell him I don't love him? That will be a lie.What am I to say to him? That I love someone else? No, that'simpossible. I'm going away, I'm going away."

　　She had reached the door, when she heard his step. "No! it's nothonest. What have I to be afraid of? I have done nothing wrong.What is to be, will be! I'll tell the truth. And with him onecan't be ill at ease. Here he is," she said to herself, seeinghis powerful, shy figure, with his shining eyes fixed on her.She looked straight into his face, as thought imploring him tospare her, and gave her hand.

　　"It's not time yet; I think I'm too early," he said glancinground the empty drawing room. When he saw that his expectationswere realized, that there was nothing to prevent him fromspeaking, his face became gloomy.

　　"Oh, no," said Kitty, and sat down at the table.

　　"But this was just what I wanted, to find you alone," be began,not sitting down, and not looking at her, so as not to losecourage.

　　"Mamma will be down directly. She was very much tired....Yesterday..."

　　She talked on, not knowing what her lips were uttering, and nottaking her supplicating and caressing eyes off him.

　　He glanced at her; she blushed, and ceased speaking.

　　"I told you I did not know whether I should be here long...thatit depended on you..."

　　She dropped her head lower and lower, not knowing herself whatanswer she should make to what was coming.

　　"That it depended on you," he repeated. "I meant to say...Imeant to say...I came for this...to be my wife!" he brought out,not knowing what he was saying; but feeling that the mostterrible thing was said, he stopped short and looked at her...

　　She was breathing heavily, not looking at him. She was feelingecstasy. Her soul was flooded with happiness. She had neveranticipated that the utterance of love would produce such apowerful effect on her. But it lasted only an instant. Sheremembered Vronsky. She lifted her clear, truthful eyes, andseeing his desperate face, she answered hastily:

　　"That cannot be...forgive me."

　　A moment ago, and how close she had been to him, of whatimportance in his life! And how aloof and remote from him shehad become now!

　　"It was bound to be so," he said, not looking at her.

　　He bowed, and was meaning to retreat.