Part One: Chapter 19

by Leo Tolstoy

　　When Anna went into the room, Dolly was sitting in the littledrawing-room with a white-headed fat little boy, already like hisfather, giving him a lesson in French reading. As the boy read,he kept twisting and trying to tear off a button that was nearlyoff his jacket. His mother had several times taken his hand fromit, but the fat little hand went back to the button again. Hismother pulled the button off and put it in her pocket.

　　"Keep your hands still, Grisha," she said, and she took up herwork, a coverlet she had long been making. She always set towork on it at depressed moments, and now she knitted at itnervously, twitching her fingers and counting the stitches.Though she had sent word the day before to her husband that itwas nothing to her whether his sister came or not, she had madeeverything ready for her arrival, and was expecting hersister-in-law with emotion.

　　Dolly was crushed by her sorrow, utterly swallowed up by it.Still she did not forget that Anna, her sister-in-law, was thewife of one of the most important personages in Petersburg, andwas a Petersburg grande dame. And, thanks to this circumstance,she did not carry out her threat to her husband--that is to say,she remembered that her sister-in-law was coming. "And, afterall, Anna is in no wise to blame," thought Dolly. "I knownothing of her except the very best, and I have seen nothing butkindness and affection from her towards myself." It was truethat as far as she could recall her impressions at Petersburg atthe Karenins', she did not like their household itself; there wassomething artificial in the whole framework of their family life."But why should I not receive her? If only she doesn't take itinto her head to console me!" thought Dolly. "All consolationand counsel and Christian forgiveness, all that I have thoughtover a thousand times, and it's all no use."

　　All these days Dolly had been alone with her children. She didnot want to talk of her sorrow, but with that sorrow in her heartshe could not talk of outside matters. She knew that in one wayor another she would tell Anna everything, and she wasalternately glad at the thought of speaking freely, and angry atthe necessity of speaking of her humiliation with her, hissister, and of hearing her ready-made phrases of good advice andcomfort. She had been on the lookout for her, glancing at herwatch every minute, and, as so often happens, let slip just thatminute when her visitor arrived, so that she did not hear thebell.

　　Catching a sound of skirts and light steps at the door, shelooked round, and her care-worn face unconsciously expressed notgladness, but wonder. She got up and embraced her sister-in-law.

　　"What, here already!" she said as she kissed her.

　　"Dolly, how glad I am to see you!"

　　"I am glad, too," said Dolly, faintly smiling, and trying by theexpression of Anna's face to find out whether she knew. "Mostlikely she knows," she thought, noticing the sympathy in Anna'sface. "Well, come along, I'll take you to your room," she wenton, trying to defer as long as possible the moment ofconfidences.

　　"Is this Grisha? Heavens, how he's grown!" said Anna; andkissing him, never taking her eyes off Dolly, she stood still andflushed a little. "No, please, let us stay here."

　　She took off her kerchief and her hat, and catching it in a lockof her black hair, which was a mass of curls, she tossed her headand shook her hair down.

　　"You are radiant with health and happiness!" said Dolly, almostwith envy.

　　"I?.... Yes," said Anna. "Merciful heavens, Tanya! You're thesame age as my Seryozha," she added, addressing the little girlas she ran in. She took her in her arms and kissed her."Delightful child, delightful! Show me them all."

　　She mentioned them, not only remembering the names, but theyears, months, characters, illnesses of all the children, andDolly could not but appreciate that.

　　"Very well, we will go to them," she said. "It's a pity Vassya'sasleep."

　　After seeing the children, They sat down, alone now, in thedrawing room, to coffee. Anna took the tray, and then pushed itaway from her.

　　"Dolly," she said, "he has told me."

　　Dolly looked coldly at Anna; she was waiting now for phrases ofconventional sympathy, but Anna said nothing of the sort.

　　"Dolly, dear," she said, "I don't want to speak for him to you,nor to try to comfort you; that's impossible. But, darling, I'msimply sorry, sorry from my heart for you!"

　　Under the thick lashes of her shining eyes tears suddenlyglittered. She moved nearer to her sister-in-law and took herhand in her vigorous little hand. Dolly did not shrink away, buther face did not lose its frigid expression. She said:

　　"To comfort me's impossible. Everything's lost after what hashappened, everything's over!"

　　And directly she had said this, her face suddenly softened. Annalifted the wasted, thin hand of Dolly, kissed it and said:

　　"But, Dolly, what's to be done, what's to be done? How is itbest to act in this awful position--that's what you must thinkof."

　　"All's over, and there's nothing more," said Dolly. "And theworst of all is, you see, that I can't cast him off: there arethe children, I am tied. And I can't live with him! it's atorture to me to see him."

　　"Dolly, darling, he has spoken to me, but I want to hear it fromyou: tell me about it."

　　Dolly looked at her inquiringly.

　　Sympathy and love unfeigned were visible on Anna's face.

　　"Very well," she said all at once. "But I will tell you it fromthe beginning. You know how I was married. With the educationmamma gave us I was more than innocent, I was stupid. I knewnothing. I know they say men tell their wives of their formerlives, but Stiva"--she corrected herself--"Stepan Arkadyevitchtold me nothing. You'll hardly believe it, but till now Iimagined that I was the only woman he had known. So I livedeight years. You must understand that I was so far fromsuspecting infidelity, I regarded it as impossible, and then--try to imagine it--with such ideas, to find out suddenly all thehorror, all the loathsomeness.... You must try and understandme. To be fully convinced of one's happiness, and all atonce..." continued Dolly, holding back her sobs, "to get aletter...his letter to his mistress, my governess. No, it's tooawful!" She hastily pulled out her handkerchief and hid her facein it. "I can understand being carried away by feeling," shewent on after a brief silence, "but deliberately, slyly deceivingme...and with whom?... To go on being my husband together withher...it's awful! You can't understand..."

　　"Oh, yes, I understand! I understand! Dolly, dearest, I dounderstand," said Anna, pressing her hand.

　　"And do you imagine he realizes all the awfulness of myposition?" Dolly resumed. "Not the slightest! He's happy andcontented."

　　"Oh, no!" Anna interposed quickly. "He's to be pitied, he'sweighed down by remorse..."

　　"Is he capable of remorse?" Dolly interrupted, gazing intentlyinto her sister-in-law's face.

　　"Yes. I know him. I could not look at him without feeling sorryfor him. We both know him. He's good-hearted, but he's proud,and now he's so humiliated. What touched me most..." (and hereAnna guessed what would touch Dolly most) "he's tortured by twothings: that he's ashamed for the children's sake, and that,loving you--yes, yes, loving you beyond everything on earth,"she hurriedly interrupted Dolly, who would have answered-- "hehas hurt you, pierced you to the heart. 'No, no, she cannotforgive me,' he keeps saying."

　　Dolly looked dreamily away beyond her sister-in-law as shelistened to her words.

　　"Yes, I can see that his position is awful; it's worse for theguilty than the innocent," she said, "if he feels that all themisery comes from his fault. But how am I to forgive him, how amI to be his wife again after her? For me to live with him nowwould be torture, just because I love my past love for him..."

　　And sobs cut short her words. But as though of set design, eachtime she was softened she began to speak again of whatexasperated her.

　　"She's young, you see, she's pretty," she went on. "Do you know,Anna, my youth and my beauty are gone, taken by whom? By him andhis children. I have worked for him, and all I had has gone inhis service, and now of course any fresh, vulgar creature hasmore charm for him. No doubt they talked of me together, or,worse still, they were silent. Do you understand?"

　　Again her eyes glowed with hatred.

　　"And after that he will tell me.... What! can I believe him?Never! No, everything is over, everything that once made mycomfort, the reward of my work, and my sufferings.... Would youbelieve it, I was teaching Grisha just now: once this was a joyto me, now it is a torture. What have I to strive and toil for?Why are the children here? What's so awful is that all at oncemy heart's turned, and instead of love and tenderness, I havenothing but hatred for him; yes, hatred. I could kill him."

　　"Darling Dolly, I understand, but don't torture yourself. Youare so distressed, so overwrought, that you look at many thingsmistakenly."

　　Dolly grew calmer, and for two minutes both were silent.

　　"What's to be done? Think for me, Anna, help me. I have thoughtover everything, and I see nothing."

　　Anna could think of nothing, but her heart responded instantly toeach word, to each change of expression of her sister-in-law.

　　"One thing I would say," began Anna. "I am his sister, I knowhis character, that faculty of forgetting everything, everything"(she waved her hand before her forehead), "that faculty for beingcompletely carried away, but for completely repenting too. Hecannot believe it, he cannot comprehend now how he can have actedas he did."

　　"No; he understands, he understood!" Dolly broke in. "ButI...you are forgetting me...does it make it easier for me?"

　　"Wait a minute. When he told me, I will own I did not realizeall the awfulness of your position. I saw nothing but him, andthat the family was broken up. I felt sorry for him, but aftertalking to you, I see it, as a woman, quite differently. I seeyour agony, and I can't tell you how sorry I am for you! But,Dolly, darling, I fully realize your sufferings, only there isone thing I don't know; I don't know...I don't know how much lovethere is still in your heart for him. That you know--whetherthere is enough for you to be able to forgive him. If there is,forgive him!"

　　"No," Dolly was beginning, but Anna cut her short, kissing herhand once more.

　　"I know more of the world than you do," she said. "I know howmet like Stiva look at it. You speak of his talking of you withher. That never happened. Such men are unfaithful, but theirhome and wife are sacred to them. Somehow or other these womenare still looked on with contempt by them, and do not touch ontheir feeling for their family. They draw a sort of line thatcan't be crossed between them and their families. I don'tunderstand it, but it is so."

　　"Yes, but he has kissed her..."

　　"Dolly, hush, darling. I saw Stiva when he was in love with you.I remember the time when he came to me and cried, talking of you,and all the poetry and loftiness of his feeling for you, and Iknow that the longer he has lived with you the loftier you havebeen in his eyes. You know we have sometimes laughed at him forputting in at every word: 'Dolly's a marvelous woman.' You havealways been a divinity for him, and you are that still, and thishas not been an infidelity of the heart..."

　　"But if it is repeated?"

　　"It cannot be, as I understand it..."

　　"Yes, but could you forgive it?"

　　"I don't know, I can't judge.... Yes, I can," said Anna,thinking a moment; and grasping the position in her thought andweighing it in her inner balance, she added: "Yes, I can, I can,I can. Yes, I could forgive it. I could not be the same, no;but I could forgive it, and forgive it as though it had neverbeen, never been at all..."

　　"Oh, of course," Dolly interposed quickly, as though saying whatshe had more than once thought, "else it would not beforgiveness. If one forgives, it must be completely, completely.Come, let us go; I'll take you to your room," she said, gettingup, and on the way she embraced Anna. "My dear, how glad I amyou came. It has made things better, ever so much better."