Part Seven: Chapter 13

by Leo Tolstoy

　　There are no conditions to which a man cannot become used,especially if he sees that all around him are living in the sameway. Levin could not have believed three months before that hecould have gone quietly to sleep in the condition in which he wasthat day, that leading an aimless irrational life, living toobeyond his means, after drinking to excess (he could not callwhat happened at the club anything else), forming inappropriatelyfriendly relations with a man with whom his wife had once been inlove, and a still more inappropriate call upon a woman who couldonly be called a lost woman, after being fascinated by that womanand causing his wife distress--he could still go quietly tosleep. But under the influence of fatigue, a sleepless night,and the wine he had drunk, his sleep was sound and untroubled.

　　At five o'clock the creak of a door opening waked him. He jumpedup and looked round. Kitty was not in bed beside him. But therewas a light moving behind the screen, and he heard her steps.

　　"What is it?...what is it?" he said, half-asleep. "Kitty!What is it?"

　　"Nothing," she said, coming from behind the screen with a candlein her hand. "I felt unwell," she said, smiling a particularlysweet and meaning smile.

　　"What? has it begun?" he said in terror. "We ought to send..."and hurriedly he reached after his clothes.

　　"No, no," she said, smiling and holding his hand. "It's sure tobe nothing. I was rather unwell, only a little. It's all overnow."

　　And getting into bed, she blew out the candle, lay down and wasstill. Though he thought her stillness suspicious, as though shewere holding her breath, and still more suspicious the expressionof peculiar tenderness and excitement with which, as she camefrom behind the screen, she said "nothing," he was so sleepy thathe fell asleep at once. Only later he remembered the stillnessof her breathing, and understood all that must have been passingin her sweet, precious heart while she lay beside him, notstirring, in anticipation of the greatest event in a woman'slife. At seven o'clock he was waked by the touch of her hand onhis shoulder, and a gentle whisper. She seemed strugglingbetween regret at waking him, and the desire to talk to him.

　　"Kostya, don't be frightened. It's all right. But I fancy....We ought to send for Lizaveta Petrovna."

　　The candle was lighted again. She was sitting up in bed, holdingsome knitting, which she had been busy upon during the last fewdays.

　　"Please, don't be frightened, it's all right. I'm not a bitafraid," she said, seeing his scared face, and she pressed hishand to her bosom and then to her lips.

　　He hurriedly jumped up, hardly awake, and kept his eyes fixed onher, as he put on his dressing gown; then he stopped, stilllooking at her. He had to go, but he could not tear himself fromher eyes. He thought he loved her face, knew her expression, hereyes, but never had he seen it like this. How hateful andhorrible he seemed to himself, thinking of the distress he hadcaused her yesterday. Her flushed face, fringed with softcurling hair under her night cap, was radiant with joy andcourage.

　　Though there was so little that was complex or artificial inKitty's character in general, Levin was struck by what wasrevealed now, when suddenly all disguises were thrown off and thevery kernel of her soul shone in her eyes. And in thissimplicity and nakedness of her soul, she, the very woman heloved in her, was more manifest than ever. She looked at him,smiling; but all at once her brows twitched, she threw up herhead, and going quickly up to him, clutched his hand and pressedclose up to him, breathing her hot breath upon him. She was inpain and was, as it were, complaining to him of her suffering.And for the first minute, from habit, it seemed to him that hewas to blame. But in her eyes there was a tenderness that toldhim that she was far from reproaching him, that she loved him forher sufferings. "If not I, who is to blame for it?" he thoughtunconsciously, seeking someone responsible for this suffering forhim to punish; but there was no one responsible. She wassuffering, complaining, and triumphing in her sufferings, andrejoicing in them, and loving them. He saw that somethingsublime was being accomplished in her soul, but what? He couldnot make it out. It was beyond his understanding.

　　"I have sent to mamma. You go quickly to fetch Lizaveta Petrovna...Kostya!... Nothing, it's over."

　　She moved away from him and rang the bell.

　　"Well, go now; Pasha's coming. I am all right."

　　And Levin saw with astonishment that she had taken up theknitting she had brought in in the night and begun working at itagain.

　　As Levin was going out of one door, he heard the maid-servantcome in at the other. He stood at the door and heard Kittygiving exact directions to the maid, and beginning to help hermove the bedstead.

　　He dressed, and while they were putting in his horses, as a hiredsledge was not to be seen yet, he ran again up to the bedroom,not on tiptoe, it seemed to him, but on wings. Two maid-servantswere carefully moving something in the bedroom.

　　Kitty was walking about knitting rapidly and giving directions.

　　"I'm going for the doctor. They have sent for Lizaveta Petrovna,but I'll go on there too. Isn't there anything wanted? Yes,shall I go to Dolly's?"

　　She looked at him, obviously not hearing what he was saying.

　　"Yes, yes. Do go," she said quickly, frowning and waving herhand to him.

　　He had just gone into the drawing room, when suddenly a plaintivemoan sounded from the bedroom, smothered instantly. He stoodstill, and for a long while he could not understand.

　　"Yes, that is she," he said to himself, and clutching at his headhe ran downstairs.

　　"Lord have mercy on us! pardon us! aid us!" he repeated the wordsthat for some reason came suddenly to his lips. And he, anunbeliever, repeated these words not with his lips only. At thatinstant he knew that all his doubts, even the impossibility ofbelieving with his reason, of which he was aware in himself, didnot in the least hinder his turning to God. All of that nowfloated out of his soul like dust. To whom was he to turn if notto Him in whose hands he felt himself, his soul, and his love?

　　The horse was not yet ready, but feeling a peculiar concentrationof his physical forces and his intellect on what he had to do, hestarted off on foot without waiting for the horse, and toldKouzma to overtake him.

　　At the corner he met a night cabman driving hurriedly. In thelittle sledge, wrapped in a velvet cloak, sat Lizaveta Petrovnawith a kerchief round her head. "Thank God! thank God!" he said,overjoyed to recognize her little fair face which wore apeculiarly serious, even stern expression. Telling the drivernot to stop, he ran along beside her.

　　"For two hours, then? Not more?" she inquired. "You should letPyotr Dmitrievitch know, but don't hurry him. And get some opiumat the chemist's."

　　"So you think that it may go on well? Lord have mercy on us andhelp us!" Levin said, seeing his own horse driving out of thegate. Jumping into the sledge beside Konzma, he told him todrive to the doctor's.