Part Six: Chapter 23

by Leo Tolstoy

　　Dolly was wanting to go to bed when Anna came in to see her,attired for the night. In the course of the day Anna had severaltimes begun to speak of matters near her heart, and every timeafter a few words she had stopped: "Afterwards, by ourselves,we'll talk about everything. I've got so much I want to tellyou," she said.

　　Now they were by themselves, and Anna did not know what to talkabout. She sat in the window looking at Dolly, and going over inher own mind all the stores of intimate talk which had seemed soinexhaustible beforehand, and she found nothing. At that momentit seemed to her that everything had been said already.

　　"Well, what of Kitty?" she said with a heavy sigh, lookingpenitently at Dolly. "Tell me the truth, Dolly: isn't she angrywith me?"

　　"Angry? Oh, no!" said Darya Alexandrovna, smiling.

　　"But she hates me, despises me?"

　　"Oh, no! But you know that sort of thing isn't forgiven."

　　"Yes, yes," said Anna, turning away and looking out of the openwindow. "But I was not to blame. And who is to blame? What'sthe meaning of being to blame? Could it have been otherwise?What do you think? Could it possibly have happened that youdidn't become the wife of Stiva?"

　　"Really, I don't know. But this is what I want you to tellme..."

　　"Yes, yes, but we've not finished about Kitty. Is she happy?He's a very nice man, they say."

　　"He's much more than very nice. I don't know a better man."

　　"Ah, how glad I am! I'm so glad! Much more than very nice," sherepeated.

　　Dolly smiled.

　　"But tell me about yourself. We've a great deal to talk about.And I've had a talk with..." Dolly did not know what to callhim. She felt it awkward to call him either the count or AlexeyKirillovitch.

　　"With Alexey," said Anna, "I know what you talked about. But Iwanted to ask you directly what you think of me, of my life?"

　　"How am I to say like that straight off? I really don't know."

　　"No, tell me all the same.... You see my life. But you mustn'tforget that you're seeing us in the summer, when you have come tous and we are not alone.... But we came here early in thespring, lived quite alone, and shall be alone again, and I desirenothing better. But imagine me living alone without him, alone,and that will be...I see by everything that it will often berepeated, that he will be half the time away from home," shesaid, getting up and sitting down close by Dolly.

　　"Of course," she interrupted Dolly, who would have answered, "ofcourse I won't try to keep him by force. I don't keep himindeed. The races are just coming, his horses are running, hewill go. I'm very glad. But think of me, fancy my position....But what's the use of talking about it?" She smiled. "Well,what did he talk about with you?"

　　"He spoke of what I want to speak about of myself, and it's easyfor me to be his advocate; of whether there is not a possibility...whether you could not..." (Darya Alexandrovna hesitated)"correct, improve your position.... You know how I look atit.... But all the same, if possible, you should getmarried...."

　　"Divorce, you mean?" said Anna. "Do you know, the only woman whocame to see me in Petersburg was Betsy Tverskaya? You know her,of course? Au fond, c'est la femme la plus depravee qui existe.She had an intrigue with Tushkevitch, deceiving her husband inthe basest way. And she told me that she did not care to know meso long as my position was irregular. Don't imagine I wouldcompare...I know you, darling. But I could not helpremembering.... Well, so what did he say to you?" she repeated.

　　"He said that he was unhappy on your account and his own.Perhaps you will say that it's egoism, but what a legitimate andnoble egoism. He wants first of all to legitimize his daughter,and to be your husband, to have a legal right to you."

　　"What wife, what slave can be so utterly a slave as I, in myposition?" she put in gloomily.

　　"The chief thing he desires...he desires that you should notsuffer."

　　"That's impossible. Well?"

　　"Well, and the most legitimate desire--he wishes that yourchildren should have a name."

　　"What children?" Anna said, not looking at Dolly, and halfclosing her eyes.

　　"Annie and those to come..."

　　"He need not trouble on that score; I shall have no morechildren."

　　"How can you tell that you won't?"

　　"I shall not, because I don't wish it." And, in spite of all heremotion, Anna smiled, as she caught the naive expression ofcuriosity, wonder, and horror on Dolly's face.

　　"The doctor told me after my illness..."

　　"Impossible!" said Dolly, opening her eyes wide.

　　For her this was one of those discoveries the consequences anddeductions from which are so immense that all that one feels forthe first instant is that it is impossible to take it all in, andthat one will have to reflect a great, great deal upon it.

　　This discovery, suddenly throwing light on all those families ofone or two children, which had hitherto been so incomprehensibleto her, aroused so many ideas, reflections, and contradictoryemotions, that she had nothing to say, and simply gazed withwide-open eyes of wonder at Anna. This was the very thing shehad been dreaming of, but now learning that it was possible, shewas horrified. She felt that it was too simple a solution of toocomplicated a problem.

　　"N'est-ce pas immoral?" was all she said, after a brief pause.

　　"Why so? Think, I have a choice between two alternatives: eitherto be with child, that is an invalid, or to be the friend andcompanion of my husband--practically my husband," Anna said in atone intentionally superficial and frivolous.

　　"Yes, yes," said Darya Alexandrovna, hearing the very argumentsshe had used to herself, and not finding the same force in themas before.

　　"For you, for other people," said Anna, as though divining herthoughts, "there may be reason to hesitate; but for me.... Youmust consider, I am not his wife; he loves me as long as heloves me. And how am I to keep his love? Not like this!"

　　She moved her white hands in a curve before her waist withextraordinary rapidity, as happens during moments of excitement;ideas and memories rushed into Darya Alexandrovna's head. "I,"she thought, "did not keep my attraction for Stiva; he left mefor others, and the first woman for whom he betrayed me did notkeep him by being always pretty and lively. He deserted her andtook another. And can Anna attract and keep Count Vronsky inthat way? If that is what he looks for, he will find dresses andmanners still more attractive and charming. And however whiteand beautiful her bare arms are, however beautiful her fullfigure and her eager face under her black curls, he will findsomething better still, just as my disgusting, pitiful, andcharming husband does."

　　Dolly made no answer, she merely sighed. Anna noticed this sigh,indicating dissent, and she went on. In her armory she had otherarguments so strong that no answer could be made to them.

　　"Do you say that it's not right? But you must consider," shewent on; "you forget my position. How can I desire children?I'm not speaking of the suffering, I'm not afraid of that. Thinkonly, what are my children to be? Ill-fated children, who willhave to bear a stranger's name. For the very fact of their birththey will be forced to be ashamed of their mother, their father,their birth."

　　"But that is just why a divorce is necessary." But Anna did nothear her. She longed to give utterance to all the arguments withwhich she had so many times convinced herself.

　　"What is reason given me for, if I am not to use it to avoidbringing unhappy beings into the world!" She looked at Dolly,but without waiting for a reply she went on:

　　"I should always feel I had wronged these unhappy children," shesaid. "If they are not, at any rate they are not unhappy; whileif they are unhappy, I alone should be to blame for it."

　　These were the very arguments Darya Alexandrovna had used in herown reflections; but she heard them without understanding them."How can one wrong creatures that don't exist?" she thought. Andall at once the idea struck her: could it possibly, under anycircumstances, have been better for her favorite Grisha if he hadnever existed? And this seemed to her so wild, so strange, thatshe shook her head to drive away this tangle of whirling, madideas.

　　"No, I don't know; it's not right," was all she said, with anexpression of disgust on her face.

　　"Yes, but you mustn't forget that you and I.... And besidesthat," added Anna, in spite of the wealth of her arguments andthe poverty of Dolly's objections, seeming still to admit that itwas not right, "don't forget the chief point, that I am not nowin the same position as you. For you the question is: do youdesire not to have any more children; while for me it is: do Idesire to have them? And that's a great difference. You mustsee that I can't desire it in my position."

　　Darya Alexandrovna made no reply. She suddenly felt that she hadgot far away from Anna; that there lay between them a barrier ofquestions on which they could never agree, and about which it wasbetter not to speak.