Part Two: Chapter 32

by Leo Tolstoy

　　The particulars which the princess had learned in regard toVarenka's past and her relations with Madame Stahl were asfollows:

　　Madame Stahl, of whom some people said that she had worried herhusband out of his life, while others said it was he who had madeher wretched by his immoral behavior, had always been a woman ofweak health and enthusiastic temperament. When, after herseparation from her husband, she gave birth to her only child,the child had died almost immediately, and the family of MadameStahl, knowing her sensibility, and fearing the news would killher, had substituted another child, a baby born the same nightand in the same house in Petersburg, the daughter of the chiefcook of the Imperial Household. This was Varenka. Madame Stahllearned later on that Varenka was not her own child, but she wenton bringing her up, especially as very soon afterwards Varenkahad not a relation of her own living. Madame Stahl had now beenliving more than ten years continuously abroad, in the south,never leaving her couch. And some people said that Madame Stahlhad made her social position as a philanthropic, highly religiouswoman; other people said she really was at heart the highlyethical being, living for nothing but the good of herfellow creatures, which she represented herself to be. No oneknew what her faith was--Catholic, Protestant, or Orthodox. Butone fact was indubitable--she was in amicable relations with thehighest dignitaries of all the churches and sects.

　　Varenka lived with her all the while abroad, and everyone whoknew Madame Stahl knew and liked Mademoiselle Varenka, aseveryone called her.

　　Having learned all these facts, the princess found nothing toobject to in her daughter's intimacy with Varenka, moreespecially as Varenka's breeding and education were of thebest--she spoke French and English extremely well--and what wasof the most weight, brought a message from Madame Stahlexpressing her regret that she was prevented by her ill healthfrom making the acquaintance of the princess.

　　After getting to know Varenka, Kitty became more and morefascinated by her friend, and every day she discovered newvirtues in her.

　　The princess, hearing that Varenka had a good voice, asked her tocome and sing to them in the evening.

　　"Kitty plays, and we have a piano, not a good one, it's true, butyou will give us so much pleasure," said the princess with heraffected smile, which Kitty disliked particularly just then,because she noticed that Varenka had no inclination to sing.Varenka came, however, in the evening and brought a roll of musicwith her. The princess had invited Marya Yevgenyevna and herdaughter and the colonel.

　　Varenka seemed quite unaffected by there being persons presentshe did not know, and she went directly to the piano. She couldnot accompany herself, but she could sing music at sight verywell. Kitty, who played well, accompanied her.

　　"You have an extraordinary talent," the princess said to herafter Varenka had sung the first song extremely well.

　　Marya Yevgenyevna and her daughter expressed their thanks andadmiration.

　　"Look," said the colonel, looking out of the window, "what anaudience has collected to listen to you." There actually wasquite a considerable crowd under the windows.

　　"I am very glad it gives you pleasure," Varenka answered simply.

　　Kitty looked with pride at her friend. She was enchanted by hertalent, and her voice and her face, but most of all by hermanner, by the way Varenka obviously thought nothing of hersinging and was quite unmoved by their praises. She seemed onlyto be asking: "Am I to sing again, or is that enough?"

　　"If it had been I," thought Kitty, "how proud I should have been!How delighted I should have been to see that crowd under thewindows! But she's utterly unmoved by it. Her only motive is toavoid refusing and to please mamma. What is there in her? Whatis it gives her the power to look down on everything, to be calmindependently of everything? How I should like to know it and tolearn it of her!" thought Kitty, gazing into her serene face.The princess asked Varenka to sing again, and Varenka sanganother song, also smoothly, distinctly, and well, standing erectat the piano and beating time on it with her thin, dark-skinnedhand.

　　The next song in the book was an Italian one. Kitty played theopening bars, and looked round at Varenka.

　　"Let's skip that," said Varenka, flushing a little. Kitty lether eyes rest on Varenka's face, with a look of dismay andinquiry.

　　"Very well, the next one," she said hurriedly, turning over thepages, and at once feeling that there was something connectedwith the song.

　　"No," answered Varenka with a smile, laying her hand on themusic, "no, let's have that one." And she sang it just asquietly, as coolly, and as well as the others.

　　When she had finished, they all thanked her again, and went offto tea. Kitty and Varenka went out into the little garden thatadjoined the house.

　　"Am I right, that you have some reminiscences connected withthat song?" said Kitty. "Don't tell me," she added hastily,"only say if I'm right."

　　"No, why not? I'll tell you simply," said Varenka, and, withoutwaiting for a reply, she went on: "Yes, it brings up memories,once painful ones. I cared for someone once, and I used to singhim that song."

　　Kitty with big, wide-open eyes gazed silently, sympathetically atVarenka.

　　"I cared for him, and he cared for me; but his mother did notwish it, and he married another girl. He's living now not farfrom us, and I see him sometimes. You didn't think I had alove story too," she said, and there was a faint gleam in herhandsome face of that fire which Kitty felt must once have glowedall over her.

　　"I didn't think so? Why, if I were a man, I could never care foranyone else after knowing you. Only I can't understand how hecould, to please his mother, forget you and make you unhappy; hehad no heart."

　　"Oh, no, he's a very good man, and I'm not unhappy; quite thecontrary, I'm very happy. Well, so we shan't be singing any morenow," she added, turning towards the house.

　　"How good you are! how good you are!" cried Kitty, and stoppingher, she kissed her. "If I could only be even a little likeyou!"

　　"Why should you be like anyone? You're nice as you are," saidVarenka, smiling her gentle, weary smile.

　　"No, I'm not nice at all. Come, tell me.... Stop a minute,let's sit down," said Kitty, making her sit down again besideher. "Tell me, isn't it humiliating to think that a man hasdisdained your love, that he hasn't cared for it?..."

　　"But he didn't disdain it; I believe he cared for me, but he wasa dutiful son..."

　　"Yes, but if it hadn't been on account of his mother, if it hadbeen his own doing?..." said Kitty, feeling she was giving awayher secret, and that her face, burning with the flush of shame,had betrayed her already.

　　"I that case he would have done wrong, and I should not haveregretted him," answered Varenka, evidently realizing that theywere now talking not of her, but of Kitty.

　　"But the humiliation," said Kitty, "the humiliation one can neverforget, can never forget," she said, remembering her look at thelast ball during the pause in the music.

　　"Where is the humiliation? Why, you did nothing wrong?"

　　"Worse than wrong--shameful."

　　Varenka shook her head and laid her hand on Kitty's hand.

　　"Why, what is there shameful?" she said. "You didn't tell a man,who didn't care for you, that you loved him, did you?"

　　"Of course not, I never said a word, but he knew it. No, no,there are looks, there are ways; I can't forget it, if I live ahundred years."

　　"Why so? I don't understand. The whole point is whether youlove him now or not," said Varenka, who called everything by itsname.

　　"I hate him; I can't forgive myself."

　　"Why, what for?"

　　"The shame, the humiliation!"

　　"Oh! if everyone were as sensitive as you are!" said Varenka."There isn't a girl who hasn't been through the same. And it'sall so unimportant."

　　"Why, what is important?" said Kitty, looking into her face withinquisitive wonder.

　　"Oh, there's so much that's important," said Varenka, smiling.

　　"Why, what?"

　　"Oh, so much that's more important," answered Varenka, notknowing what to say. But at that instant they heard theprincess's voice from the window. "Kitty, it's cold! Either geta shawl, or come indoors."

　　"It really is time to go in!" said Varenka, getting up. "I haveto go on to Madame Berthe's; she asked me to."

　　Kitty held her by the hand, and with passionate curiosity andentreaty her eyes asked her: "What is it, what is this of suchimportance that gives you such tranquillity? You know, tell me!"But Varenka did not even know what Kitty's eyes were asking her.She merely thought that she had to go to see Madame Berthe toothat evening, and to make haste home in time for maman's tea attwelve o'clock. She went indoors, collected her music, andsaying good-bye to everyone, was about to go.

　　"Allow me to see you home," said the colonel.

　　"Yes, how can you go alone at night like this?" chimed in theprincess. "Anyway, I'll send Parasha."

　　Kitty saw that Varenka could hardly restrain a smile at the ideathat she needed an escort.

　　"No, I always go about alone and nothing ever happens to me," shesaid, taking her hat. And kissing Kitty once more, withoutsaying what was important, she stepped out courageously with themusic under her arm and vanished into the twilight of the summernight, bearing away with her her secret of what was important andwhat gave her the calm and dignity so much to be envied.