Hermann the Irascible - A Story of the Great Weep

by H.H. Munro (SAKI)

　　It was in the second decade of the twentieth century, after theGreat Plague had devastated England, that Hermann the Irascible,nicknamed also the Wise, sat on the British throne. The MortalSickness had swept away the entire Royal Family, unto the thirdand fourth generations, and thus it came to pass that Hermann theFourteenth of Saxe-Drachsen-Wachtelstein, who had stood thirtiethin the order of succession, found himself one day ruler of theBritish dominions within and beyond the seas. He was one of theunexpected things that happen in politics, and he happened withgreat thoroughness. In many ways he was the most progressivemonarch who had sat on an important throne; before people knewwhere they were, they were somewhere else. Even his Ministers,progressive though they were by tradition, found it difficult tokeep pace with his legislative suggestions."As a matter of fact," admitted the Prime Minister, "we arehampered by these votes-for-women creatures; they disturb ourmeetings throughout the country, and they try to turn DowningStreet into a sort of political picnic-ground.""They must be dealt with," said Hermann."Dealt with," said the Prime Minister; "exactly, just so; buthow?""I will draft you a Bill," said the King, sitting down at histypewriting machine, "enacting that women shall vote at all futureelections. Shall vote, you observe; or, to put it plainer, must.Voting will remain optional, as before, for male electors; butevery woman between the ages of twenty-one and seventy will beobliged to vote, not only at elections for Parliament, countycouncils, district boards, parish councils, and municipalities,but for coroners, school inspectors, churchwardens, curators ofmuseums, sanitary authorities, police-court interpreters,swimming-bath instructors, contractors, choir-masters, marketsuperintendents, art-school teachers, cathedral vergers, and otherlocal functionaries whose names I will add as they occur to me.All these offices will become elective, and failure to vote at anyelection falling within her area of residence will involve thefemale elector in a penalty of 10. Absence, unsupported by anadequate medical certificate, will not be accepted as an excuse.Pass this Bill through the two Houses of Parliament and bring itto me for signature the day after to-morrow."From the very outset the Compulsory Female Franchise producedlittle or no elation even in circles which had been loudest indemanding the vote. The bulk of the women of the country had beenindifferent or hostile to the franchise agitation, and the mostfanatical Suffragettes began to wonder what they had found soattractive in the prospect of putting ballot-papers into a box.In the country districts the task of carrying out the provisionsof the new Act was irksome enough; in the towns and cities itbecame an incubus. There seemed no end to the elections.Laundresses and seamstresses had to hurry away from their work tovote, often for a candidate whose name they hadn't heard before,and whom they selected at haphazard; female clerks and waitressesgot up extra early to get their voting done before starting off totheir places of business. Society women found their arrangementsimpeded and upset by the continual necessity for attending thepolling stations, and week-end parties and summer holidays becamegradually a masculine luxury. As for Cairo and the Riviera, theywere possible only for genuine invalids or people of enormouswealth, for the accumulation of o10 fines during a prolongedabsence was a contingency that even ordinarily wealthy folk couldhardly afford to risk.It was not wonderful that the female disfranchisement agitationbecame a formidable movement. The No-Votes-for-Women Leaguenumbered its feminine adherents by the million; its colours,citron and old Dutch-madder, were flaunted everywhere, and itsbattle hymn, "We don't want to Vote," became a popular refrain.As the Government showed no signs of being impressed by peacefulpersuasion, more violent methods came into vogue. Meetings weredisturbed, Ministers were mobbed, policemen were bitten, andordinary prison fare rejected, and on the eve of the anniversaryof Trafalgar women bound themselves in tiers up the entire lengthof the Nelson column so that its customary floral decoration hadto be abandoned. Still the Government obstinately adhered to itsconviction that women ought to have the vote.Then, as a last resort, some woman wit hit upon an expedient whichit was strange that no one had thought of before. The Great Weepwas organized. Relays of women, ten thousand at a time, weptcontinuously in the public places of the Metropolis. They wept inrailway stations, in tubes and omnibuses, in the National Gallery,at the Army and Navy Stores, in St. James's Park, at balladconcerts, at Prince's and in the Burlington Arcade. The hithertounbroken success of the brilliant farcical comedy "Henry's Rabbit"was imperilled by the presence of drearily weeping women in stallsand circle and gallery, and one of the brightest divorce casesthat had been tried for many years was robbed of much of itssparkle by the lachrymose behaviour of a section of the audience."What are we to do?" asked the Prime Minister, whose cook had weptinto all the breakfast dishes and whose nursemaid had gone out,crying quietly and miserably, to take the children for a walk inthe Park."There is a time for everything," said the King; "there is a timeto yield. Pass a measure through the two Houses depriving womenof the right to vote, and bring it to me for the Royal assent theday after to-morrow."As the Minister withdrew, Hermann the Irascible, who was alsonicknamed the Wise, gave a profound chuckle."There are more ways of killing a cat than by choking it withcream," he quoted, "but I'm not sure," he added, "that it's notthe best way."