The Chaplet

by H.H. Munro (SAKI)

　　A strange stillness hung over the restaurant; it was one of thoserare moments when the orchestra was not discoursing the strains ofthe Ice-cream Sailor waltz."Did I ever tell you," asked Clovis of his friend, "the tragedy ofmusic at mealtimes?"It was a gala evening at the Grand Sybaris Hotel, and a specialdinner was being served in the Amethyst dining-hall. The Amethystdining-hall had almost a European reputation, especially with thatsection of Europe which is historically identified with the JordanValley. Its cooking was beyond reproach, and its orchestra wassufficiently highly salaried to be above criticism. Thither camein shoals the intensely musical and the almost intensely musical,who are very many, and in still greater numbers the merelymusical, who know how Tchaikowsky's name is pronounced and canrecognize several of Chopin's nocturnes if you give them duewarning; these eat in the nervous, detached manner of roebuckfeeding in the open, and keep anxious ears cocked towards theorchestra for the first hint of a recognizable melody."'Ah, yes, Pagliacci,' they murmur, as the opening strains followhot upon the soup, and if no contradiction is forthcoming from anybetter-informed quarter they break forth into subdued humming byway of supplementing the efforts of the musicians. Sometimes themelody starts on level terms with the soup, in which case thebanqueters contrive somehow to hum between the spoonfuls; thefacial expression of enthusiasts who are punctuating potage St.Germain with Pagliacci is not beautiful, but it should be seen bythose who are bent on observing all sides of life. One cannotdiscount the unpleasant things of this world merely by looking theother way."In addition to the aforementioned types the restaurant waspatronized by a fair sprinkling of the absolutely nonmusical;their presence in the dining-hall could only be explained on thesupposition that they had come there to dine."The earlier stages of the dinner had worn off. The wine listshad been consulted, by some with the blank embarrassment of aschoolboy suddenly called on to locate a Minor Prophet in thetangled hinterland of the Old Testament, by others with the severescrutiny which suggests that they have visited most of the higher-priced wines in their own homes and probed their familyweaknesses. The diners who chose their wine in the latter fashionalways gave their orders in a penetrating voice, with a plentifulgarnishing of stage directions. By insisting on having yourbottle pointing to the north when the cork is being drawn, andcalling the waiter Max, you may induce an impression on yourguests which hours of laboured boasting might be powerless toachieve. For this purpose, however, the guests must be chosen ascarefully as the wine."Standing aside from the revellers in the shadow of a massivepillar was an interested spectator who was assuredly of the feast,and yet not in it. Monsieur Aristide Saucourt was the CHEF of theGrand Sybaris Hotel, and if he had an equal in his profession hehad never acknowledged the fact. In his own domain he was apotentate, hedged around, with the cold brutality that Geniusexpects rather than excuses in her children; he never forgave, andthose who served him were careful that there should be little toforgive. In the outer world, the world which devoured hiscreations, he was an influence; how profound or how shallow aninfluence he never attempted to guess. It is the penalty and thesafeguard of genius that it computes itself by troy weight in aworld that measures by vulgar hundredweights."Once in a way the great man would be seized with a desire towatch the effect of his master-efforts, just as the guiding brainof Krupp's might wish at a supreme moment to intrude into thefiring line of an artillery duel. And such an occasion was thepresent. For the first time in the history of the Grand SybarisHotel, he was presenting to its guests the dish which he hadbrought to that pitch of perfection which almost amounts toscandal. Canetons la mode d'Amblve. In thin gilt lettering onthe creamy white of the menu how little those words conveyed tothe bulk of the imperfectly educated diners. And yet how muchspecialized effort had been lavished, how much carefully treasuredlore had been ungarnered, before those six words could be written.In the Department of Deux-Svres ducklings had lived peculiar andbeautiful lives and died in the odour of satiety to furnish themain theme of the dish; champignons, which even a purist for SaxonEnglish would have hesitated to address as mushrooms, hadcontributed their languorous atrophied bodies to the garnishing,and a sauce devised in the twilight reign of the Fifteenth Louishad been summoned back from the imperishable past to take its partin the wonderful confection. Thus far had human effort labouredto achieve the desired result; the rest had been left to humangenius--the genius of Aristide Saucourt."And now the moment had arrived for the serving of the great dish,the dish which world-weary Grand Dukes and market-obsessed moneymagnates counted among their happiest memories. And at the samemoment something else happened. The leader of the highly salariedorchestra placed his violin caressingly against his chin, loweredhis eyelids, and floated into a sea of melody."'Hark!' said most of the diners, 'he is playing "The Chaplet."'"They knew it was 'The Chaplet' because they had heard it playedat luncheon and afternoon tea, and at supper the night before, andhad not had time to forget."'Yes, he is playing "The Chaplet,"' they reassured one another.The general voice was unanimous on the subject. The orchestra hadalready played it eleven times that day, four times by desire andseven times from force of habit, but the familiar strains weregreeted with the rapture due to a revelation. A murmur of muchhumming rose from half the tables in the room, and some of themore overwrought listeners laid down knife and fork in order to beable to burst in with loud clappings at the earliest permissiblemoment."And the Canetons la mode d'Amblve? In stupefied, sickenedwonder Aristide watched them grow cold in total neglect, or sufferthe almost worse indignity of perfunctory pecking and listlessmunching while the banqueters lavished their approval and applauseon the music-makers. Calves' liver and bacon, with parsley sauce,could hardly have figured more ignominiously in the evening'sentertainment. And while the master of culinary art leaned backagainst the sheltering pillar, choking with a horrible brain-searing rage that could find no outlet for its agony, theorchestra leader was bowing his acknowledgments of the hand-clappings that rose in a storm around him. Turning to hiscolleagues he nodded the signal for an encore. But before theviolin had been lifted anew into position there came from theshadow of the pillar an explosive negative."'Noh! Noh! You do not play thot again!'"The musician turned in furious astonishment. Had he takenwarning from the look in the other man's eyes he might have acteddifferently. But the admiring plaudits were ringing in his ears,and he snarled out sharply, 'That is for me to decide.'"'Noh! You play thot never again,' shouted the CHEF, and the nextmoment he had flung himself violently upon the loathed being whohad supplanted him in the world's esteem. A large metal tureen,filled to the brim with steaming soup, had just been placed on aside table in readiness for a late party of diners; before thewaiting staff or the guests had time to realize what washappening, Aristide had dragged his struggling victim up to thetable and plunged his head deep down into the almost boilingcontents of the tureen. At the further end of the room the dinerswere still spasmodically applauding in view of an encore."Whether the leader of the orchestra died from drowning by soup,or from the shock to his professional vanity, or was scalded todeath, the doctors were never wholly able to agree. MonsieurAristide Saucourt, who now lives in complete retirement, alwaysinclined to the drowning theory."