Tobermory

by H.H. Munro (SAKI)

　　It was a chill, rain-washed afternoon of a late August day, thatindefinite season when partridges are still in security or coldstorage, and there is nothing to hunt--unless one is bounded onthe north by the Bristol Channel, in which case one may lawfullygallop after fat red stags. Lady Blemley's house-party was notbounded on the north by the Bristol Channel, hence there was afull gathering of her guests round the tea-table on thisparticular afternoon. And, in spite of the blankness of theseason and the triteness of the occasion, there was no trace inthe company of that fatigued restlessness which means a dread ofthe pianola and a subdued hankering for auction bridge. Theundisguised openmouthed attention of the entire party was fixed onthe homely negative personality of Mr. Cornelius Appin. Of allher guests, he was the one who had come to Lady Blemley with thevaguest reputation. Some one had said he was "clever," and he hadgot his invitation in the moderate expectation, on the part of hishostess, that some portion at least of his cleverness would becontributed to the general entertainment. Until tea-time that dayshe had been unable to discover in what direction, if any, hiscleverness lay. He was neither a wit nor a croquet champion, ahypnotic force nor a begetter of amateur theatricals. Neither didhis exterior suggest the sort of man in whom women are willing topardon a generous measure of mental deficiency. He had subsidedinto mere Mr. Appin, and the Cornelius seemed a piece oftransparent baptismal bluff. And now he was claiming to havelaunched on the world a discovery beside which the invention ofgunpowder, of the printing-press, and of steam locomotion wereinconsiderable trifles. Science had made bewildering strides inmany directions during recent decades, but this thing seemed tobelong to the domain of miracle rather than to scientificachievement."And do you really ask us to believe," Sir Wilfrid was saying,"that you have discovered a means for instructing animals in theart of human speech, and that dear old Tobermory has proved yourfirst successful pupil?""It is a problem at which I have worked for the last seventeenyears," said Mr. Appin, " but only during the last eight or ninemonths have I been rewarded with glimmerings of success. Ofcourse I have experimented with thousands of animals, but latterlyonly with cats, those wonderful creatures which have assimilatedthemselves so marvellously with our civilization while retainingall their highly developed feral instincts. Here and there amongcats one comes across an outstanding superior intellect, just asone does among the ruck of human beings, and when I made theacquaintance of Tobermory a week ago I saw at once that I was incontact with a 'Beyond-cat' of extraordinary intelligence. I hadgone far along the road to success in recent experiments; withTobermory, as you call him, I have reached the goal."Mr. Appin concluded his remarkable statement in a voice which hestrove to divest of a triumphant inflection. No one said "Rats,"though Clovis's lips moved in a monosyllabic contortion whichprobably invoked those rodents of disbelief."And do you mean to say," asked Miss Resker, after a slight pause,"that you have taught Tobermory to say and understand easysentences of one syllable?""My dear Miss Resker," said the wonderworker patiently, "oneteaches little children and savages and backward adults in thatpiecemeal fashion; when one has once solved the problem of makinga beginning with an animal of highly developed intelligence onehas no need for those halting methods. Tobermory can speak ourlanguage with perfect correctness."This time Clovis very distinctly said, " Beyond-rats!" SirWilfrid was more polite, but equally sceptical."Hadn't we better have the cat in and judge for ourselves?"suggested Lady Blemley.Sir Wilfrid went in search of the animal, and the company settledthemselves down to the languid expectation of witnessing some moreor less adroit drawing-room ventriloquism.In a minute Sir Wilfrid was back in the room, his face whitebeneath its tan and his eyes dilated with excitement."By Gad, it's true!"His agitation was unmistakably genuine, and his hearers startedforward in a thrill of awakened interest.Collapsing into an armchair he continued breathlessly: "I foundhim dozing in the smoking-room, and called out to him to come forhis tea. He blinked at me in his usual way, and I said, 'Come on,Toby; don't keep us waiting;' and, by Gad! he drawled out in amost horribly natural voice that he'd come when he dashed wellpleased! I nearly jumped out of my skin!"Appin had preached to absolutely incredulous hearers; SirWilfrid's statement carried instant conviction. A Babel-likechorus of startled exclamation arose, amid which the scientist satmutely enjoying the first fruit of his stupendous discovery.In tile midst of the clamour Tobermory entered the room and madehis way with velvet tread and studied unconcern across to thegroup seated round the tea-table.A sudden hush of awkwardness and constraint fell on the company.Somehow there seemed an element of embarrassment in addressing onequal terms a domestic cat of acknowledged dental ability."Will you have some milk, Tobermory?" asked Lady Blemley in arather strained voice."I don't mind if I do," was the response, couched in a tone ofeven indifference. A shiver of suppressed excitement went throughthe listeners, and Lady Blemley might be excused for pouring outthe saucerful of milk rather unsteadily."I'm afraid I've spilt a good deal of it," she saidapologetically."After all, it's not my Axminster," was Tobermory's rejoinder.Another silence fell on the group, and then Miss Resker, in herbest district-visitor manner, asked if the human language had beendifficult to learn. Tobermory looked squarely at her for a momentand then fixed his gaze serenely on the middle distance. It wasobvious that boring questions lay outside his scheme of life."What do you think of human intelligence?" asked Mavis Pellingtonlamely."Of whose intelligence in particular?" asked Tobermory coldly."Oh, well, mine for instance," said Mavis, with a feeble laugh."You put me in an embarrassing position," said Tobermory, whosetone and attitude certainly did not suggest a shred ofembarrassment. "When your inclusion in this house-party wassuggested Sir Wilfrid protested that you were the most brainlesswoman of his acquaintance, and that there was a wide distinctionbetween hospitality and the care of the feeble-minded. LadyBlemley replied that your lack of brain-power was the precisequality which had earned you your invitation, as you were the onlyperson she could think of who might be idiotic enough to buy theirold car. You know, the one they call 'The Envy of Sisyphus,'because it goes quite nicely up-hill if you push it."Lady Blemley's protestations would have had greater effect if shehad not casually suggested to Mavis only that morning that the carin question would be just the thing for her down at her Devonshirehome.Major Barfield plunged in heavily to effect a diversion."How about your carryings-on with the tortoiseshell puss up at thestables, eh?"The moment he had said it every one realized the blunder."One does not usually discuss these matters in public," saidTobermory frigidly. "From a slight observation of your ways sinceyou've been in this house I should imagine you'd find itinconvenient if I were to shift the conversation on to your ownlittle affairs."The panic which ensued was not confined to the Major."Would you like to go and see if cook has got your dinner ready?"suggested Lady Blemley hurriedly, affecting to ignore the factthat it wanted at least two hours to Tobermory's dinner-time."Thanks," said Tobermory, "not quite so soon after my tea. Idon't want to die of indigestion.""Cats have nine lives, you know," said Sir Wilfrid heartily."Possibly," answered Tobermory; "but only one liver.""Adelaide!" said Mrs. Cornett, "do you mean to encourage that catto go out and gossip about us in the servants' hall?"The panic had indeed become general. A narrow ornamentalbalustrade ran in front of most of the bedroom windows at theTowers, and it was recalled with dismay that this had formed afavourite promenade for Tobermory at all hours, whence he couldwatch the pigeons--and heaven knew what else besides. If heintended to become reminiscent in his present outspoken strain theeffect would be something more than disconcerting. Mrs. Cornett,who spent much time at her toilet table, and whose complexion wasreputed to be of a nomadic though punctual disposition, looked asill at ease as the Major. Miss Scrawen, who wrote fiercelysensuous poetry and led a blameless life, merely displayedirritation; if you are methodical and virtuous in private youdon't necessarily want every one to know it. Bertie van Tahn, whowas so depraved at seventeen that he had long ago given up tryingto be any worse, turned a dull shade of gardenia white, but he didnot commit the error of dashing out of the room like OdoFinsberry, a young gentleman who was understood to be reading forthe Church and who was possibly disturbed at the thought ofscandals he might hear concerning other people. Clovis had thepresence of mind to maintain a composed exterior; privately he wascalculating how long it would take to procure a box of fancy micethrough the agency of the EXCHANGE AND MART as a species of hush-money.Even in a delicate situation like the present, Agnes Resker couldnot endure to remain too long in the-background."Why did I ever come down here she asked dramatically.Tobermory immediately accepted the opening."Judging by what you said to Mrs. Cornett on the croquet-lawnyesterday, you were out for food. You described the Blemleys asthe dullest people to stay with that you knew, but said they wereclever enough to employ a first-rate cook; otherwise they'd findit difficult to get anyone to come down a second time.""There's not a word of truth in it! I appeal to Mrs. Cornett--"exclaimed the discomfited Agnes."Mrs. Cornett repeated your remark afterwards to Bertie van Tahn,"continued Tobermory, "and said, 'That woman is a regular HungerMarcher; she'd go anywhere for four square meals a day,' andBertie van Tahn said--"At this point the chronicle mercifully ceased. Tobermory hadcaught a glimpse of the big yellow Tom from the Rectory workinghis way through the shrubbery towards the stable wing. In a flashhe had vanished through the open French window.With the disappearance of his too brilliant pupil Cornelius Appinfound himself beset by a hurricane of bitter upbraiding, anxiousinquiry, and frightened entreaty. The responsibility for thesituation lay with him, and he must prevent matters from becomingworse. Could Tobermory impart his dangerous gift to other cats?was the first question he had to answer. It was possible, hereplied, that he might have initiated his intimate friend thestable puss into his new accomplishment, but it was unlikely thathis teaching could have taken a wider range as yet."Then," said Mrs. Cornett, "Tobermory may be a valuable cat and agreat pet; but I'm sure you'll agree, Adelaide, that both he andthe stable cat must be done away with without delay.""You don't suppose I've enjoyed the last quarter of an hour, doyou?" said Lady Blemley bitterly. "My husband and I are very fondof Tobermory--at least, we were before this horribleaccomplishment was infused into him; but now, of course, the onlything is to have him destroyed as soon as possible.""We can put some strychnine in the scraps he always gets atdinner-time," said Sir Wilfrid, "and I will go and drown thestable cat myself. The coachman will be very sore at losing hispet, but I'll say a very catching form of mange has broken out inboth cats and we're afraid of it spreading to the kennels.""But my great discovery!" expostulated Mr. Appin; "after all myyears of research and experiment--""You can go and experiment on the shorthorns at the farm, who areunder proper control," said Mrs. Cornett, "or the elephants at theZoological Gardens. They're said to be highly intelligent, andthey have this recommendation, that they don't come creeping aboutour bedrooms and under chairs, and so forth."An archangel ecstatically proclaiming the Millennium, and thenfinding that it clashed unpardonably with Henley and would have tobe indefinitely postponed, could hardly have felt more crestfallenthan Cornelius Appin at the reception of his wonderfulachievement. Public opinion, however, was against him--in fact,had the general voice been consulted on the subject it is probablethat a strong minority vote would have been in favour of includinghim in the strychnine diet.Defective train arrangements and a nervous desire to see mattersbrought to a finish prevented an immediate dispersal of the party,but dinner that evening was not a social success. Sir Wilfrid hadhad rather a trying time with the stable cat and subsequently withthe coachman. Agnes Resker ostentatiously limited her repast to amorsel of dry toast, which she bit as though it were a personalenemy; while Mavis Pellington maintained a vindictive silencethroughout the meal. Lady Blemley kept up a flow of what shehoped was conversation, but her attention was fixed on thedoorway. A plateful of carefully dosed fish scraps was inreadiness on the sideboard, but sweets and savoury and dessertwent their way, and no Tobermory appeared either in the dining-room or kitchen.The sepulchral dinner was cheerful compared with the subsequentvigil in the smoking-room. Eating and drinking had at leastsupplied a distraction and cloak to the prevailing embarrassment.Bridge was out of the question in the general tension of nervesand tempers, and after Odo Finsberry had given a lugubriousrendering of "Melisande in the Wood" to a frigid audience, musicwas tacitly avoided. At eleven the servants went to bed,announcing that the small window in the pantry had been left openas usual for Tobermory's private use. The guests read steadilythrough the current batch of magazines, and fell back gradually,on the "Badminton Library " and bound volumes of PUNCH. LadyBlemley made periodic visits to the pantry, returning each timewith an expression of listless depression which forestalledquestioning.At two o'clock Clovis broke the dominating silence."He won't turn up to-night. He's probably in the local newspaperoffice at the present moment, dictating the first instalment ofhis reminiscences. Lady What's-her-name's book won't be in it.It will be the event of the day."Having made this contribution to the general cheerfulness, Cloviswent to bed. At long intervals the various members of the house-party followed his example.The servants taking round the early tea made a uniformannouncement in reply to a uniform question. Tobermory had notreturned.Breakfast was, if anything, a more unpleasant function than dinnerhad been, but before its conclusion the situation was relieved.Tobermory's corpse was brought in from the shrubbery, where agardener had just discovered it. From the bites on his throat andthe yellow fur which coated his claws it was evident that he hadfallen in unequal combat with the big Tom from the Rectory.By midday most of the guests had quitted the Towers, and afterlunch Lady Blemley had sufficiently recovered her spirits to writean extremely nasty letter to the Rectory about the loss of hervaluable pet.Tobermory had been Appin's one successful pupil, and he wasdestined to have no successor. A few weeks later an elephant inthe Dresden Zoological Garden, which had shown no previous signsof irritability, broke loose and killed an Englishman who hadapparently been teasing it. The victim's name was variouslyreported in the papers as Oppin and Eppelin, but his front namewas faithfully rendered Cornelius."If he was trying German irregular verbs on the poor beast," saidClovis, "he deserved all he got."