Chapter XX--A Man-Talk

by Jack London

　　The most patient man in the world is prone to impatience in love--and Sheldon was in love. He called himself an ass a score of timesa day, and strove to contain himself by directing his mind in otherchannels, but more than a score of times each day his thoughtsroved back and dwelt on Joan. It was a pretty problem shepresented, and he was continually debating with himself as to whatwas the best way to approach her.

　　He was not an adept at love-making. He had had but one experiencein the gentle art (in which he had been more wooed than wooing),and the affair had profited him little. This was another affair,and he assured himself continually that it was a uniquely differentand difficult affair. Not only was here a woman who was not benton finding a husband, but it was a woman who wasn't a woman at all;who was genuinely appalled by the thought of a husband; who joyedin boys' games, and sentimentalized over such things as adventure;who was healthy and normal and wholesome, and who was so immaturethat a husband stood for nothing more than an encumbrance in hercherished scheme of existence.

　　But how to approach her? He divined the fanatical love of freedomin her, the deep-seated antipathy for restraint of any sort. Noman could ever put his arm around her and win her. She wouldflutter away like a frightened bird. Approach by contact--that, herealized, was the one thing he must never do. His hand-clasp mustbe what it had always been, the hand-clasp of hearty friendship andnothing more. Never by action must he advertise his feeling forher. Remained speech. But what speech? Appeal to her love? Butshe did not love him. Appeal to her brain? But it was apparentlya boy's brain. All the deliciousness and fineness of a finely bredwoman was hers; but, for all he could discern, her mental processeswere sexless and boyish. And yet speech it must be, for abeginning had to be made somewhere, some time; her mind must bemade accustomed to the idea, her thoughts turned upon the matter ofmarriage.

　　And so he rode overseeing about the plantation, with tightly drawnand puckered brows, puzzling over the problem, and steeling himselfto the first attempt. A dozen ways he planned an intricate leadingup to the first breaking of the ice, and each time some link in thechain snapped and the talk went off on unexpected and irrelevantlines. And then one morning, quite fortuitously, the opportunitycame.

　　"My dearest wish is the success of Berande," Joan had just said,apropos of a discussion about the cheapening of freights on coprato market.

　　"Do you mind if I tell you the dearest wish of my heart?" hepromptly returned. "I long for it. I dream about it. It is mydearest desire."

　　He paused and looked at her with intent significance; but it wasplain to him that she thought there was nothing more at issue thanmutual confidences about things in general.

　　"Yes, go ahead," she said, a trifle impatient at his delay.

　　"I love to think of the success of Berande," he said; "but that issecondary. It is subordinate to the dearest wish, which is thatsome day you will share Berande with me in a completer way thanthat of mere business partnership. It is for you, some day, whenyou are ready, to be my wife."

　　She started back from him as if she had been stung. Her face wentwhite on the instant, not from maidenly embarrassment, but from theanger which he could see flaming in her eyes.

　　"This taking for granted!--this when I am ready!" she criedpassionately. Then her voice swiftly became cold and steady, andshe talked in the way he imagined she must have talked businesswith Morgan and Raff at Guvutu. "Listen to me, Mr. Sheldon. Ilike you very well, though you are slow and a muddler; but I wantyou to understand, once and for all, that I did not come to theSolomons to get married. That is an affliction I could haveaccumulated at home, without sailing ten thousand miles after it.I have my own way to make in the world, and I came to the Solomonsto do it. Getting married is not making my way in the world. Itmay do for some women, but not for me, thank you. When I sit downto talk over the freight on copra, I don't care to have proposalsof marriage sandwiched in. Besides--besides--"

　　Her voice broke for the moment, and when she went on there was anote of appeal in it that well-nigh convicted him to himself ofbeing a brute.

　　"Don't you see?--it spoils everything; it makes the whole situationimpossible . . . and . . . and I so loved our partnership, and wasproud of it. Don't you see?--I can't go on being your partner ifyou make love to me. And I was so happy."

　　Tears of disappointment were in her eyes, and she caught a swiftsob in her throat.

　　"I warned you," he said gravely. "Such unusual situations betweenmen and women cannot endure. I told you so at the beginning."

　　"Oh, yes; it is quite clear to me what you did." She was angryagain, and the feminine appeal had disappeared. "You were verydiscreet in your warning. You took good care to warn me againstevery other man in the Solomons except yourself."

　　It was a blow in the face to Sheldon. He smarted with the truth ofit, and at the same time he smarted with what he was convinced wasthe injustice of it. A gleam of triumph that flickered in her eyebecause of the hit she had made decided him.

　　"It is not so one-sided as you seem to think it is," he began. "Iwas doing very nicely on Berande before you came. At least I wasnot suffering indignities, such as being accused of cowardlyconduct, as you have just accused me. Remember--please remember, Idid not invite you to Berande. Nor did I invite you to stay on atBerande. It was by staying that you brought about this--to you--unpleasant situation. By staying you made yourself a temptation,and now you would blame me for it. I did not want you to stay. Iwasn't in love with you then. I wanted you to go to Sydney; to goback to Hawaii. But you insisted on staying. You virtually--"

　　He paused for a softer word than the one that had risen to hislips, and she took it away from him.

　　"Forced myself on you--that's what you meant to say," she cried,the flags of battle painting her cheeks. "Go ahead. Don't mind myfeelings."

　　"All right; I won't," he said decisively, realizing that thediscussion was in danger of becoming a vituperative, schoolboyargument. "You have insisted on being considered as a man.Consistency would demand that you talk like a man, and like a manlisten to man-talk. And listen you shall. It is not your faultthat this unpleasantness has arisen. I do not blame you foranything; remember that. And for the same reason you should notblame me for anything."

　　He noticed her bosom heaving as she sat with clenched hands, and itwas all he could do to conquer the desire to flash his arms out andaround her instead of going on with his coolly planned campaign.As it was, he nearly told her that she was a most adorable boy.But he checked all such wayward fancies, and held himself rigidlydown to his disquisition.

　　"You can't help being yourself. You can't help being a verydesirable creature so far as I am concerned. You have made me wantyou. You didn't intend to; you didn't try to. You were so made,that is all. And I was so made that I was ripe to want you. But Ican't help being myself. I can't by an effort of will cease fromwanting you, any more than you by an effort of will can makeyourself undesirable to me."

　　"Oh, this desire! this want! want! want!" she broke inrebelliously. "I am not quite a fool. I understand some things.And the whole thing is so foolish and absurd--and uncomfortable. Iwish I could get away from it. I really think it would be a goodidea for me to marry Noa Noah, or Adamu Adam, or Lalaperu there, orany black boy. Then I could give him orders, and keep him pennedaway from me; and men like you would leave me alone, and not talkmarriage and 'I want, I want.'"

　　Sheldon laughed in spite of himself, and far from any genuineimpulse to laugh.

　　"You are positively soulless," he said savagely.

　　"Because I've a soul that doesn't yearn for a man for master?" shetook up the gage. "Very well, then. I am soulless, and what areyou going to do about it?"

　　"I am going to ask you why you look like a woman? Why have you theform of a woman? the lips of a woman? the wonderful hair of awoman? And I am going to answer: because you are a woman--thoughthe woman in you is asleep--and that some day the woman will wakeup."

　　"Heaven forbid!" she cried, in such sudden and genuine dismay as tomake him laugh, and to bring a smile to her own lips againstherself.

　　"I've got some more to say to you," Sheldon pursued. "I did try toprotect you from every other man in the Solomons, and from yourselfas well. As for me, I didn't dream that danger lay in thatquarter. So I failed to protect you from myself. I failed toprotect you at all. You went your own wilful way, just as though Ididn't exist--wrecking schooners, recruiting on Malaita, andsailing schooners; one lone, unprotected girl in the company ofsome of the worst scoundrels in the Solomons. Fowler! and Brahms!and Curtis! And such is the perverseness of human nature--I amfrank, you see--I love you for that too. I love you for all ofyou, just as you are."

　　She made a moue of distaste and raised a hand protestingly.

　　"Don't," he said. "You have no right to recoil from the mention ofmy love for you. Remember this is a man-talk. From the point ofview of the talk, you are a man. The woman in you is onlyincidental, accidental, and irrelevant. You've got to listen tothe bald statement of fact, strange though it is, that I love you."

　　"And now I won't bother you any more about love. We'll go on thesame as before. You are better off and safer on Berande, in spiteof the fact that I love you, than anywhere else in the Solomons.But I want you, as a final item of man-talk, to remember, from timeto time, that I love you, and that it will be the dearest day of mylife when you consent to marry me. I want you to think of itsometimes. You can't help but think of it sometimes. And now wewon't talk about it any more. As between men, there's my hand."

　　He held out his hand. She hesitated, then gripped it heartily, andsmiled through her tears.

　　"I wish--" she faltered, "I wish, instead of that black Mary, you'dgiven me somebody to swear for me."

　　And with this enigmatic utterance she turned away.