Chapter LXIV. Esther's Narrative

by Charles Dickens

　　Soon after I had that convertion with my guardian, he put a sealedpaper in my hand one morning and said, "This is for next month, mydear." I found in it two hundred pounds.I now began very quietly to make such preparations as I thoughtwere necessary. Regulating my purchases by my guardian's taste,which I knew very well of course, I arranged my wardrobe to pleasehim and hoped I should be highly successful. I did it all soquietly because I was not quite free from my old apprehension thatAda would be rather sorry and because my guardian was so quiethimself. I had no doubt that under all the circumstances we shouldbe married in the most private and simple manner. Perhaps I shouldonly have to say to Ada, "Would you like to come and see me marriedto-morrow, my pet?" Perhaps our wedding might even be asunpretending as her own, and I might not find it necessary to sayanything about it until it was over. I thought that if I were tochoose, I would like this best.The only exception I made was Mrs. Woodcourt. I told her that Iwas going to be married to my guardian and that we had been engagedsome time. She highly approved. She could never do enough for meand was remarkably softened now in comparison with what she hadbeen when we first knew her. There was no trouble she would nothave taken to have been of use to me, but I need hardly say that Ionly allowed her to take as little as gratified her kindnesswithout tasking it.Of course this was not a time to neglect my guardian, and of courseit was not a time for neglecting my darling. So I had plenty ofoccupation, which I was glad of; and as to Charley, she wasabsolutely not to be seen for needlework. To surround herself withgreat heaps of it--baskets full and tables full--and do a little,and spend a great deal of time in staring with her round eyes atwhat there was to do, and persuade herself that she was going to doit, were Charley's great dignities and delights.Meanwhile, I must say, I could not agree with my guardian on thesubject of the will, and I had some sanguine hopes of Jarndyce andJarndyce. Which of us was right will soon appear, but I certainlydid encourage expectations. In Richard, the discovery gaveoccasion for a burst of business and agitation that buoyed him upfor a little time, but he had lost the elasticity even of hope nowand seemed to me to retain only its feverish anxieties. Fromsomething my guardian said one day when we were talking about this,I understood that my marriage would not take place until after theterm-time we had been told to look forward to; and I thought themore, for that, how rejoiced I should be if I could be married whenRichard and Ada were a little more prosperous.The term was very near indeed when my guardian was called out oftown and went down into Yorkshire on Mr. Woodcourt's business. Hehad told me beforehand that his presence there would be necessary.I had just come in one night from my dear girl's and was sitting inthe midst of all my new clothes, looking at them all around me andthinking, when a letter from my guardian was brought to me. Itasked me to join him in the country and mentioned by what stage-coach my place was taken and at what time in the morning I shouldhave to leave town. It added in a postscript that I would not bemany hours from Ada.I expected few things less than a journey at that tinae, but I wasready for it in half an hour and set off as appointed early nextmorning. I travelled all day, wondering all day what I could bewanted for at such a distance; now I thought it might be for thispurpose, and now I thought it might be for that purpose, but I wasnever, never, never near the truth.It was night when I came to my journey's end and found my guardianwaiting for me. This was a great relief, for towards evening I hadbegun to fear (the more so as his letter was a very short one) thathe might be ill. However, there he was, as well as it was possibleto be; and when I saw his genial face again at its brightest andbest, I said to myself, he has been doing some other greatkindness. Not that it required much penetration to say that,because I knew that his being there at all was an act of kindness.Supper was ready at the hotel, and when we were alone at table hesaid, "Full of curiosity, no doubt, little woman, to know why Ihave brought you here?""Well, guardian," said I, "without thinking myself a Fatima or youa Blue Beard, I am a little curious about it.""Then to ensure your night's rest, my love," he returned gaily, "Iwon't wait until to-morrow to tell you. I have very much wished toexpress to Woodcourt, somehow, my sense of his humanity to poorunfortunate Jo, his inestimable services to my young cousins, andhis value to us all. When it was decided that he should settlehere, it came into my head that I might ask his acceptance of someunpretending and suitable little place to lay his own head in. Itherefore caused such a place to be looked out for, and such aplace was found on very easy terms, and I have been touching it upfor him and making it habitable. However, when I walked over itthe day before yesterday and it was reported ready, I found that Iwas not housekeeper enough to know whether things were all as theyought to be. So I sent off for the best little housekeeper thatcould possibly be got to come and give me her advice and opinion.And here she is," said my guardian, "laughing and crying bothtogether!"Because he was so dear, so good, so admirable. I tried to tell himwhat I thought of him, but I could not articulate a word."Tut, tut!" said my guardian. "You make too much of it, littlewoman. Why, how you sob, Dame Durden, how you sob!""It is with exquisite pleasure, guardian--with a heart full ofthanks.""Well, well," said he. "I am delighted that you approve. Ithought you would. I meant it as a pleasant surprise for thelittle mistress of Bleak House."I kissed him and dried my eyes. "I know now!" said I. "I haveseen this in your face a long while.""No; have you really, my dear?" said he. "What a Dame Durden it isto read a face!"He was so quaintly cheerful that I could not long be otherwise, andwas almost ashamed of having been otherwise at all. When I went tobed, I cried. I am bound to confess that I cried; but I hope itwas with pleasure, though I am not quite sure it was with pleasure.I repeated every word of the letter twice over.A most beautiful summer morning succeeded, and after breakfast wewent out arm in arm to see the house of which I was to give mymighty housekeeping opinion. We entered a flower-garden by a gatein a side wall, of which he had the key, and the first thing I sawwas that the beds and flowers were all laid out according to themanner of my beds and flowers at home."You see, my dear," observed my guardian, standing still with adelighted face to watch my looks, "knowing there could be no betterplan, I borrowed yours."We went on by a pretty little orchard, where the cherries werenestling among the green leaves and the shadows of the apple-treeswere sporting on the grass, to the house itself--a cottage, quite arustic cottage of doll's rooms; but such a lovely place, sotranquil and so beautiful, with such a rich and smiling countryspread around it; with water sparkling away into the distance, hereall overhung with summer-growth, there turning a humming mill; atits nearest point glancing through a meadow by the cheerful town,where cricket-players were assembling in bright groups and a flagwas flying from a white tent that rippled in the sweet west wind.And still, as we went through the pretty rooms, out at the littlerustic verandah doors, and underneath the tiny wooden colonnadesgarlanded with woodbine, jasmine, and honey-suckle, I saw in thepapering on the walls, in the colours of the furniture, in thearrangement of all the pretty objects, my little tastes andfancies, my little methods and inventions which they used to laughat while they praised them, my odd ways everywhere.I could not say enough in admiration of what was all so beautiful,but one secret doubt arose in my mind when I saw this, I thought,oh, would he be the happier for it! Would it not have been betterfor his peace that I should not have been so brought before him?Because although I was not what he thought me, still he loved mevery dearly, and it might remind him mournfully of what be believedhe had lost. I did not wish him to forget me--perhaps he might nothave done so, without these aids to his memory--but my way waseasier than his, and I could have reconciled myself even to that sothat he had been the happier for it."And now, little woman," said my guardian, whom I had never seen soproud and joyful as in showing me these things and watching myappreciation of them, "now, last of all, for the name of thishouse.""What is it called, dear guardian?""My child," said he, "come and see,"He took me to the porch, which he had hitherto avoided, and said,pausing before we went out, "My dear child, don't you guess thename?""No!" said I.We went out of the porch and he showed me written over it, BleakHouse.He led me to a seat among the leaves close by, and sitting downbeside me and taking my hand in his, spoke to me thus, "My darlinggirl, in what there has been between us, I have, I hope, beenreally solicitous for your happiness. When I wrote you the letterto which you brought the answer," smiling as he referred to it, "Ihad my own too much in view; but I had yours too. Whether, underdifferent circumstances, I might ever have renewed the old dream Isometimes dreamed when you were very young, of making you my wifeone day, I need not ask myself. I did renew it, and I wrote myletter, and you brought your answer. You are following what I say,my child?"I was cold, and I trembled violently, but not a word he uttered waslost. As I sat looking fixedly at him and the sun's raysdescended, softly shining through the leaves upon his bare head, Ifelt as if the brightness on him must be like the brightness of theangels."Hear me, my love, but do not speak. It is for me to speak now.When it was that I began to doubt whether what I had done wouldreally make you happy is no matter. Woodcourt came home, and Isoon had no doubt at all."I clasped him round the neck and hung my bead upon his breast andwept. "Lie lightly, confidently here, my child," said he, pressingme gently to him. "I am your guardian and your father now. Restconfidently here."Soothingly, like the gentle rustling of the leaves; and genially,like the ripening weather; and radiantly and beneficently, like thesunshine, he went on."Understand me, my dear girl. I had no doubt of your beingcontented and happy with me, being so dutiful and so devoted; but Isaw with whom you would be happier. That I penetrated his secretwhen Dame Durden was blind to it is no wonder, for I knew the goodthat could never change in her better far than she did. Well! Ihave long been in Allan Woodcourt's confidence, although he wasnot, until yesterday, a few hours before you came here, in mine.But I would not have my Esther's bright example lost; I would nothave a jot of my dear girl's virtues unobserved and unhonoured; Iwould not have her admitted on sufferance into the line of Morganap-Kerrig, no, not for the weight in gold of all the mountains inWales!"He stopped to kiss me on the forehead, and I sobbed and weptafresh. For I felt as if I could not bear the painful delight ofhis praise."Hush, little woman! Don't cry; this is to be a day of joy. Ihave looked forward to it," he said exultingly, "for months onmonths! A few words more, Dame Trot, and I have said my say.Determined not to throw away one atom of my Esther's worth, I tookMrs. Woodcourt into a separate confidence. 'Now, madam,' said I,'I clearly perceive--and indeed I know, to boot--that your sonloves my ward. I am further very sure that my ward loves your son,but will sacrifice her love to a sense of duty and affection, andwill sacrifice it so completely, so entirely, so religiously, thatyou should never suspect it though you watched her night and day.'Then I told her all our story--ours--yours and mine. 'Now, madam,'said I, 'come you, knowing this, and live with us. Come you, andsee my child from hour to hour; set what you see against herpedigree, which is this, and this'--for I scorned to mince it--'andtell me what is the true legitimacy when you shall have quite madeup your mind on that subject.' Why, honour to her old Welsh blood,my dear," cried my guardian with enthusiasm, "I believe the heartit animates beats no less warmly, no less admiringly, no lesslovingly, towards Dame Durden than my own!"He tenderly raised my head, and as I clung to him, kissed me in hisold fatherly way again and again. What a light, now, on theprotecting manner I had thought about!"One more last word. When Allan Woodcourt spoke to you, my dear,he spoke with my knowledge and consent--but I gave him noencouragement, not I, for these surprises were my great reward, andI was too miserly to part with a scrap of it. He was to come andtell me all that passed, and he did. I have no more to say. Mydearest, Allan Woodcourt stood beside your father when he lay dead--stood beside your mother. This is Bleak House. This day I givethis house its little mistress; and before God, it is the brightestday in all my life!"He rose and raised me with him. We were no longer alone. Myhusband--I have called him by that name full seven happy years now--stood at my side."Allan," said my guardian, "take from me a willing gift, the bestwife that ever man had. What more can I say for you than that Iknow you deserve her! Take with her the little home she bringsyou. You know what she will make it, Allan; you know what she hasmade its namesake. Let me share its felicity sometimes, and whatdo I sacrifice? Nothing, nothing."He kissed me once again, and now the tears were in his eyes as hesaid more softly, "Esther, my dearest, after so many years, thereis a kind of parting in this too. I know that my mistake hascaused you some distress. Forgive your old guardian, in restoringhim to his old place in your affections; and blot it out of yourmemory. Allan, take my dear."He moved away from under the green roof of leaves, and stopping inthe sunlight outside and turning cheerfully towards us, said, "Ishall be found about here somewhere. It's a west wind, littlewoman, due west! Let no one thank me any more, for I am going torevert to my bachelor habits, and if anybody disregards thiswarning, I'll run away and never come back!"What happiness was ours that day, what joy, what rest, what hope,what gratitude, what bliss! We were to be married before the monthwas out, but when we were to come and take possession of our ownhouse was to depend on Richard and Ada.We all three went home together next day. As soon as we arrived intown, Allan went straight to see Richard and to carry our joyfulnews to him and my darling. Late as it was, I meant to go to herfor a few minutes before lying down to sleep, but I went home withmy guardian first to make his tea for him and to occupy the oldchair by his side, for I did not like to think of its being emptyso soon.When we came home we found that a young man had called three timesin the course of that one day to see me and that having been toldon the occasion of his third call that I was not expected to returnbefore ten o'clock at night, he had left word that he would callabout then. He had left his card three times. Mr. Guppy.As I naturally speculated on the object of these visits, and as Ialways associated something ludicrous with the visitor, it fell outthat in laughing about Mr. Guppy I told my guardian of his oldproposal and his subsequent retraction. "After that," said myguardian, "we will certainly receive this hero." So instructionswere given that Mr. Guppy should be shown in when he came again,and they were scarcely given when he did come again.He was embarrassed when he found my guardian with me, but recoveredhimself and said, "How de do, sir?""How do you do, sir?" returned my guardian."Thank you, sir, I am tolerable," returned Mr. Guppy. "Will youallow me to introduce my mother, Mrs. Guppy of the Old Street Road,and my particular friend, Mr. Weevle. That is to say, my friendhas gone by the name of Weevle, but his name is really and trulyJobling."My guardian begged them to be seated, and they all sat down."Tony," said Mr. Guppy to his friend after an awkward silence."Will you open the case?""Do it yourself," returned the friend rather tartly."Well, Mr. Jarndyce, sir," Mr. Guppy, after a moment'sconsideration, began, to the great diversion of his mother, whichshe displayed by nudging Mr. Jobling with her elbow and winking atme in a most remarkable manner, "I had an idea that I should seeMiss Summerson by herself and was not quite prepared for youresteemed presence. But Miss Summerson has mentioned to you,perhaps, that something has passed between us on former occasions?""Miss Summerson," returned my guardian, smiling, "has made acommunication to that effect to me.""That," said Mr. Guppy, "makes matters easier. Sir, I have comeout of my articles at Kenge and Carboy's, and I believe withsatisfaction to all parties. I am now admitted (after undergoingan examination that's enough to badger a man blue, touching a packof nonsense that he don't want to know) on the roll of attorneysand have taken out my certificate, if it would be any satisfactionto you to see it.""Thank you, Mr. Guppy," returned my guardian. "I am quite willing--I believe I use a legal phrase--to admit the certificate."Mr. Guppy therefore desisted from taking something out of hispocket and proceeded without it.I have no capital myself, but my mother has a little property whichtakes the form of an annuity"--here Mr. Guppy's mother rolled herhead as if she never could sufficiently enjoy the observation, andput her handkerchief to her mouth, and again winked at me--"and afew pounds for expenses out of pocket in conducting business willnever be wanting, free of interest, which is an advantage, youknow," said Mr. Guppy feelingly."Certainly an advantage," returned my guardian."I have some connexion," pursued Mr. Guppy, "and it lays in thedirection of Walcot Square, Lambeth. I have therefore taken a'ouse in that locality, which, in the opinion of my friends, is ahollow bargain (taxes ridiculous, and use of fixtures included inthe rent), and intend setting up professionally for myself thereforthwith."Here Mr. Guppy's mother fell into an extraordinary passion ofrolling her head and smiling waggishly at anybody who would look ather."It's a six-roomer, exclusive of kitchens," said Mr. Guppy, "and inthe opinion of my friends, a commodious tenement. When I mentionmy friends, I refer principally to my friend Jobling, who I believehas known me," Mr. Guppy looked at him with a sentimental air,"from boyhood's hour."Mr. Jobling confirmed this with a sliding movement of his legs."My friend Jobling will render me his assistance in the capacity ofclerk and will live in the 'ouse," said Mr. Guppy. "My mother willlikewise live in the 'ouse when her present quarter in the OldStreet Road shall have ceased and expired; and consequently therewill be no want of society. My friend Jobling is naturallyaristocratic by taste, and besides being acquainted with themovements of the upper circles, fully backs me in the intentions Iam now developing."Mr. Jobling said "Certainly" and withdrew a little from the elbowof Mr Guppy's mother."Now, I have no occasion to mention to you, sir, you being in theconfidence of Miss Summerson," said Mr. Guppy, "(mother, I wishyou'd be so good as to keep still), that Miss Summerson's image wasformerly imprinted on my 'eart and that I made her a proposal ofmarriage.""That I have heard," returned my guardian."Circumstances," pursued Mr. Guppy, "over which I had no control,but quite the contrary, weakened the impression of that image for atime. At which time Miss Summerson's conduct was highly genteel; Imay even add, magnanimous."My guardian patted me on the shoulder and seemed much amused."Now, sir," said Mr. Guppy, "I have got into that state of mindmyself that I wish for a reciprocity of magnanimous behaviour. Iwish to prove to Miss Summerson that I can rise to a heighth ofwhich perhaps she hardly thought me capable. I find that the imagewhich I did suppose had been eradicated from my 'eart is noteradicated. Its influence over me is still tremenjous, andyielding to it, I am willing to overlook the circumstances overwhich none of us have had any control and to renew those proposalsto Miss Summerson which I had the honour to make at a formerperiod. I beg to lay the 'ouse in Walcot Square, the business, andmyself before Miss Summerson for her acceptance.""Very magnanimous indeed, sir," observed my guardian."Well, sir," replied Mr. Guppy with candour, "my wish is to bemagnanimous. I do not consider that in making this offer to MissSummerson I am by any means throwing myself away; neither is thatthe opinion of my friends. Still, there are circumstances which Isubmit may be taken into account as a set off against any littledrawbacks of mine, and so a fair and equitable balance arrived at.""I take upon myself, sir," said my guardian, laughing as he rangthe bell, "to reply to your proposals on behalf of Miss Summerson.She is very sensible of your handsome intentions, and wishes yougood evening, and wishes you well.""Oh!" said Mr. Guppy with a blank look. "Is that tantamount, sir,to acceptance, or rejection, or consideration?""To decided rejection, if you please," returned my guardian.Mr. Guppy looked incredulously at his friend, and at his mother,who suddenly turned very angry, and at the floor, and at theceiling."Indeed?" said he. "Then, Jobling, if you was the friend yourepresent yourself, I should think you might hand my mother out ofthe gangway instead of allowing her to remain where she ain'twanted."But Mrs. Guppy positively refused to come out of the gangway. Shewouldn't hear of it. "Why, get along with you," said she to myguardian, "what do you mean? Ain't my son good enough for you?You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Get out with you!""My good lady," returned my guardian, "it is hardly reasonable toask me to get out of my own room.""I don't care for that," said Mrs. Guppy. "Get out with you. Ifwe ain't good enough for you, go and procure somebody that is goodenough. Go along and find 'em."I was quite unprepared for the rapid manner in which Mrs. Guppy'spower of jocularity merged into a power of taking the profoundestoffence."Go along and find somebody that's good enough for you," repeatedMrs. Guppy. "Get out!" Nothing seemed to astonish Mr. Guppy'smother so much and to make her so very indignant as our not gettingout. "Why don't you get out?" said Mrs. Guppy. "What are youstopping here for?""Mother," interposed her son, always getting before her and pushingher back with one shoulder as she sidled at my guardian, "will youhold your tongue?""No, William," she returned, "I won't! Not unless he gets out, Iwon't!"However, Mr. Guppy and Mr. Jobling together closed on Mr. Guppy'smother (who began to be quite abusive) and took her, very muchagainst her will, downstairs, her voice rising a stair higher everytime her figure got a stair lower, and insisting that we shouldimmediately go and find somebody who was good enough for us, andabove all things that we should get out.