CHAPTER XIV

by Sinclair Lewis

　　CHAPTER XIVTHIS autumn a Mr. W. G. Harding, of Marion, Ohio, was appointedPresident of the United States, but Zenith was less interested in thenational campaign than in the local election. Seneca Doane, though hewas a lawyer and a graduate of the State University, was candidate formayor of Zenith on an alarming labor ticket. To oppose him the Democratsand Republicans united on Lucas Prout, a mattress-manufacturer with aperfect record for sanity. Mr. Prout was supported by the banks, theChamber of Commerce, all the decent newspapers, and George F. Babbitt.Babbitt was precinct-leader on Floral Heights, but his district was safeand he longed for stouter battling. His convention paper had given himthe beginning of a reputation for oratory, so the Republican-DemocraticCentral Committee sent him to the Seventh Ward and South Zenith, toaddress small audiences of workmen and clerks, and wives uneasy withtheir new votes. He acquired a fame enduring for weeks. Now and then areporter was present at one of his meetings, and the headlines (thoughthey were not very large) indicated that George F. Babbitt had addressedCheering Throng, and Distinguished Man of Affairs had pointed out theFallacies of Doane. Once, in the rotogravure section of the SundayAdvocate-Times, there was a photograph of Babbitt and a dozen otherbusiness men, with the caption "Leaders of Zenith Finance and CommerceWho Back Prout."He deserved his glory. He was an excellent campaigner. He had faith; hewas certain that if Lincoln were alive, he would be electioneering forMr. W. G. Harding--unless he came to Zenith and electioneered forLucas Prout. He did not confuse audiences by silly subtleties; Proutrepresented honest industry, Seneca Doane represented whining laziness,and you could take your choice. With his broad shoulders and vigorousvoice, he was obviously a Good Fellow; and, rarest of all, he reallyliked people. He almost liked common workmen. He wanted them to be wellpaid, and able to afford high rents--though, naturally, they mustnot interfere with the reasonable profits of stockholders. Thus noblyendowed, and keyed high by the discovery that he was a natural orator,he was popular with audiences, and he raged through the campaign,renowned not only in the Seventh and Eighth Wards but even in parts ofthe Sixteenth.IICrowded in his car, they came driving up to Turnverein Hall, SouthZenith--Babbitt, his wife, Verona, Ted, and Paul and Zilla Riesling. Thehall was over a delicatessen shop, in a street banging with trolleys andsmelling of onions and gasoline and fried fish. A new appreciation ofBabbitt filled all of them, including Babbitt."Don't know how you keep it up, talking to three bunches in one evening.Wish I had your strength," said Paul; and Ted exclaimed to Verona, "Theold man certainly does know how to kid these roughnecks along!"Men in black sateen shirts, their faces new-washed but with a hint ofgrime under their eyes, were loitering on the broad stairs up tothe hall. Babbitt's party politely edged through them and into thewhitewashed room, at the front of which was a dais with a red-plushthrone and a pine altar painted watery blue, as used nightly by theGrand Masters and Supreme Potentates of innumerable lodges. The hallwas full. As Babbitt pushed through the fringe standing at the back, heheard the precious tribute, "That's him!" The chairman bustled down thecenter aisle with an impressive, "The speaker? All ready, sir! Uh--let'ssee--what was the name, sir?"Then Babbitt slid into a sea of eloquence:"Ladies and gentlemen of the Sixteenth Ward, there is one who cannot bewith us here to-night, a man than whom there is no more stalwart Trojanin all the political arena--I refer to our leader, the Honorable LucasProut, standard-bearer of the city and county of Zenith. Since he is nothere, I trust that you will bear with me if, as a friend and neighbor,as one who is proud to share with you the common blessing of being aresident of the great city of Zenith, I tell you in all candor, honesty,and sincerity how the issues of this critical campaign appear to oneplain man of business--to one who, brought up to the blessings ofpoverty and of manual labor, has, even when Fate condemned him to sitat a desk, yet never forgotten how it feels, by heck, to be up atfive-thirty and at the factory with the ole dinner-pail in his hardenedmitt when the whistle blew at seven, unless the owner sneaked in tenminutes on us and blew it early! (Laughter.) To come down to the basicand fundamental issues of this campaign, the great error, insincerelypromulgated by Seneca Doane--"There were workmen who jeered--young cynical workmen, for the most partforeigners, Jews, Swedes, Irishmen, Italians--but the older men, thepatient, bleached, stooped carpenters and mechanics, cheered him; andwhen he worked up to his anecdote of Lincoln their eyes were wet.Modestly, busily, he hurried out of the hall on delicious applause, andsped off to his third audience of the evening. "Ted, you better drive,"he said. "Kind of all in after that spiel. Well, Paul, how'd it go? DidI get 'em?""Bully! Corking! You had a lot of pep."Mrs. Babbitt worshiped, "Oh, it was fine! So clear and interesting, andsuch nice ideas. When I hear you orating I realize I don't appreciatehow profoundly you think and what a splendid brain and vocabulary youhave. Just--splendid." But Verona was irritating. "Dad," she worried,"how do you know that public ownership of utilities and so on and soforth will always be a failure?"Mrs. Babbitt reproved, "Rone, I should think you could see and realizethat when your father's all worn out with orating, it's no time toexpect him to explain these complicated subjects. I'm sure when he'srested he'll be glad to explain it to you. Now let's all be quiet andgive Papa a chance to get ready for his next speech. Just think! Rightnow they're gathering in Maccabee Temple, and WAITING for us!"IIIMr. Lucas Prout and Sound Business defeated Mr. Seneca Doane and ClassRule, and Zenith was again saved. Babbitt was offered several minorappointments to distribute among poor relations, but he preferredadvance information about the extension of paved highways, and this agrateful administration gave to him. Also, he was one of only nineteenspeakers at the dinner with which the Chamber of Commerce celebrated thevictory of righteousness.His reputation for oratory established, at the dinner of the Zenith RealEstate Board he made the Annual Address. The Advocate-Times reportedthis speech with unusual fullness:"One of the livest banquets that has recently been pulled off occurredlast night in the annual Get-Together Fest of the Zenith Real EstateBoard, held in the Venetian Ball Room of the O'Hearn House. Mine hostGil O'Hearn had as usual done himself proud and those assembled feastedon such an assemblage of plates as could be rivaled nowhere west of NewYork, if there, and washed down the plenteous feed with the cup whichinspired but did not inebriate in the shape of cider from the farmof Chandler Mott, president of the board and who acted as witty andefficient chairman."As Mr. Mott was suffering from slight infection and sore throat, G.F. Babbitt made the principal talk. Besides outlining the progress ofTorrensing real estate titles, Mr. Babbitt spoke in part as follows:"'In rising to address you, with my impromptu speech carefully tuckedinto my vest pocket, I am reminded of the story of the two Irishmen,Mike and Pat, who were riding on the Pullman. Both of them, I forgot tosay, were sailors in the Navy. It seems Mike had the lower berth and byand by he heard a terrible racket from the upper, and when he yelled upto find out what the trouble was, Pat answered, "Shure an' bedad an' howcan I ever get a night's sleep at all, at all? I been trying to get intothis darned little hammock ever since eight bells!""'Now, gentlemen, standing up here before you, I feel a good deal likePat, and maybe after I've spieled along for a while, I may feel so darnsmall that I'll be able to crawl into a Pullman hammock with no troubleat all, at all!"'Gentlemen, it strikes me that each year at this annual occasion whenfriend and foe get together and lay down the battle-ax and let the wavesof good-fellowship waft them up the flowery slopes of amity, itbehooves us, standing together eye to eye and shoulder to shoulder asfellow-citizens of the best city in the world, to consider where we areboth as regards ourselves and the common weal."'It is true that even with our 361,000, or practically 362,000,population, there are, by the last census, almost a score of largercities in the United States. But, gentlemen, if by the next census we donot stand at least tenth, then I'll be the first to request any knockerto remove my shirt and to eat the same, with the compliments of G.F. Babbitt, Esquire! It may be true that New York, Chicago, andPhiladelphia will continue to keep ahead of us in size. But aside fromthese three cities, which are notoriously so overgrown that no decentwhite man, nobody who loves his wife and kiddies and God's goodout-o'doors and likes to shake the hand of his neighbor in greeting,would want to live in them--and let me tell you right here and now, Iwouldn't trade a high-class Zenith acreage development for the wholelength and breadth of Broadway or State Street!--aside from these three,it's evident to any one with a head for facts that Zenith is the finestexample of American life and prosperity to be found anywhere."'I don't mean to say we're perfect. We've got a lot to do in the wayof extending the paving of motor boulevards, for, believe me, it's thefellow with four to ten thousand a year, say, and an automobile and anice little family in a bungalow on the edge of town, that makes thewheels of progress go round!"'That's the type of fellow that's ruling America to-day; in fact, it'sthe ideal type to which the entire world must tend, if there's to be adecent, well-balanced, Christian, go-ahead future for this little oldplanet! Once in a while I just naturally sit back and size up this SolidAmerican Citizen, with a whale of a lot of satisfaction."'Our Ideal Citizen--I picture him first and foremost as being busierthan a bird-dog, not wasting a lot of good time in day-dreaming or goingto sassiety teas or kicking about things that are none of his business,but putting the zip into some store or profession or art. At night helights up a good cigar, and climbs into the little old 'bus, and maybecusses the carburetor, and shoots out home. He mows the lawn, or sneaksin some practice putting, and then he's ready for dinner. After dinnerhe tells the kiddies a story, or takes the family to the movies, orplays a few fists of bridge, or reads the evening paper, and achapter or two of some good lively Western novel if he has a taste forliterature, and maybe the folks next-door drop in and they sit and visitabout their friends and the topics of the day. Then he goes happily tobed, his conscience clear, having contributed his mite to the prosperityof the city and to his own bank-account."'In politics and religion this Sane Citizen is the canniest man onearth; and in the arts he invariably has a natural taste which makes himpick out the best, every time. In no country in the world will you findso many reproductions of the Old Masters and of well-known paintings onparlor walls as in these United States. No country has anything like ournumber of phonographs, with not only dance records and comic but alsothe best operas, such as Verdi, rendered by the world's highest-paidsingers."'In other countries, art and literature are left to a lot of shabbybums living in attics and feeding on booze and spaghetti, but in Americathe successful writer or picture-painter is indistinguishable from anyother decent business man; and I, for one, am only too glad that the manwho has the rare skill to season his message with interesting readingmatter and who shows both purpose and pep in handling his literary wareshas a chance to drag down his fifty thousand bucks a year, to minglewith the biggest executives on terms of perfect equality, and to showas big a house and as swell a car as any Captain of Industry! But, mindyou, it's the appreciation of the Regular Guy who I have been depictingwhich has made this possible, and you got to hand as much credit to himas to the authors themselves."'Finally, but most important, our Standardized Citizen, even if he is abachelor, is a lover of the Little Ones, a supporter of the hearthstonewhich is the basic foundation of our civilization, first, last, andall the time, and the thing that most distinguishes us from the decayednations of Europe."'I have never yet toured Europe--and as a matter of fact, I don't knowthat I care to such an awful lot, as long as there's our own mightycities and mountains to be seen--but, the way I figure it out, theremust be a good many of our own sort of folks abroad. Indeed, one ofthe most enthusiastic Rotarians I ever met boosted the tenets ofone-hundred-per-cent pep in a burr that smacked o' bonny Scutlondand all ye bonny braes o' Bobby Burns. But same time, one thing thatdistinguishes us from our good brothers, the hustlers over there, isthat they're willing to take a lot off the snobs and journalists andpoliticians, while the modern American business man knows how to talkright up for himself, knows how to make it good and plenty clear thathe intends to run the works. He doesn't have to call in some highbrowhired-man when it's necessary for him to answer the crooked criticsof the sane and efficient life. He's not dumb, like the old-fashionedmerchant. He's got a vocabulary and a punch."'With all modesty, I want to stand up here as a representativebusiness man and gently whisper, "Here's our kind of folks! Here's thespecifications of the Standardized American Citizen! Here's the newgeneration of Americans: fellows with hair on their chests and smilesin their eyes and adding-machines in their offices. We're not doing anyboasting, but we like ourselves first-rate, and if you don't like us,look out--better get under cover before the cyclone hits town!""'So! In my clumsy way I have tried to sketch the Real He-man, thefellow with Zip and Bang. And it's because Zenith has so large aproportion of such men that it's the most stable, the greatest of ourcities. New York also has its thousands of Real Folks, but New York iscursed with unnumbered foreigners. So are Chicago and San Francisco.Oh, we have a golden roster of cities--Detroit and Cleveland with theirrenowned factories, Cincinnati with its great machine-tool and soapproducts, Pittsburg and Birmingham with their steel, Kansas City andMinneapolis and Omaha that open their bountiful gates on the bosomof the ocean-like wheatlands, and countless other magnificentsister-cities, for, by the last census, there were no less thansixty-eight glorious American burgs with a population of over onehundred thousand! And all these cities stand together for power andpurity, and against foreign ideas and communism--Atlanta with Hartford,Rochester with Denver, Milwaukee with Indianapolis, Los Angeles withScranton, Portland, Maine, with Portland, Oregon. A good live wire fromBaltimore or Seattle or Duluth is the twin-brother of every like fellowbooster from Buffalo or Akron, Fort Worth or Oskaloosa!"'But it's here in Zenith, the home for manly men and womanly women andbright kids, that you find the largest proportion of these Regular Guys,and that's what sets it in a class by itself; that's why Zenith willbe remembered in history as having set the pace for a civilization thatshall endure when the old time-killing ways are gone forever and the dayof earnest efficient endeavor shall have dawned all round the world!"'Some time I hope folks will quit handing all the credit to a lot ofmoth-eaten, mildewed, out-of-date, old, European dumps, and give propercredit to the famous Zenith spirit, that clean fighting determinationto win Success that has made the little old Zip City celebrated inevery land and clime, wherever condensed milk and pasteboard cartonsare known! Believe me, the world has fallen too long for these worn-outcountries that aren't producing anything but bootblacks and scenery andbooze, that haven't got one bathroom per hundred people, and that don'tknow a loose-leaf ledger from a slip-cover; and it's just about time forsome Zenithite to get his back up and holler for a show-down!"'I tell you, Zenith and her sister-cities are producing a new type ofcivilization. There are many resemblances between Zenith and these otherburgs, and I'm darn glad of it! The extraordinary, growing, and sanestandardization of stores, offices, streets, hotels, clothes, andnewspapers throughout the United States shows how strong and enduring atype is ours."'I always like to remember a piece that Chum Frink wrote for thenewspapers about his lecture-tours. It is doubtless familiar to many ofyou, but if you will permit me, I'll take a chance and read it. It'sone of the classic poems, like "If" by Kipling, or Ella Wheeler Wilcox's"The Man Worth While"; and I always carry this clipping of it in mynote-book:"When I am out upon the road, a poet with a pedler's load I mostly singa hearty song, and take a chew and hike along, a-handing out my samplesfine of Cheero Brand of sweet sunshine, and peddling optimistic pokesand stable lines of japes and jokes to Lyceums and other folks, toRotarys, Kiwanis' Clubs, and feel I ain't like other dubs. And then oldMajor Silas Satan, a brainy cuss who's always waitin', he gives his taila lively quirk, and gets in quick his dirty work. He fills me up withmullygrubs; my hair the backward way he rubs; he makes me lonelier thana hound, on Sunday when the folks ain't round. And then b' gosh, I wouldprefer to never be a lecturer, a-ridin' round in classy cars and smokingfifty-cent cigars, and never more I want to roam; I simply want to beback home, a-eatin' flap jacks, hash, and ham, with folks who savvy whomI am!"But when I get that lonely spell, I simply seek the best hotel, nomatter in what town I be--St. Paul, Toledo, or K.C., in Washington,Schenectady, in Louisville or Albany. And at that inn it hits my domethat I again am right at home. If I should stand a lengthy spell infront of that first-class hotel, that to the drummers loves to cater,across from some big film theayter; if I should look around and buzz,and wonder in what town I was, I swear that I could never tell! For allthe crowd would be so swell, in just the same fine sort of jeans theywear at home, and all the queens with spiffy bonnets on their beans, andall the fellows standing round a-talkin' always, I'll be bound, the samegood jolly kind of guff, 'bout autos, politics and stuff and baseballplayers of renown that Nice Guys talk in my home town!"Then when I entered that hotel, I'd look around and say, "Well, well!"For there would be the same news-stand, same magazines and candiesgrand, same smokes of famous standard brand, I'd find at home, I'lltell! And when I saw the jolly bunch come waltzing in for eats at lunch,and squaring up in natty duds to platters large of French Fried spuds,why then I'd stand right up and bawl, "I've never left my home at all!"And all replete I'd sit me down beside some guy in derby brown upon alobby chair of plush, and murmur to him in a rush, "Hello, Bill, tellme, good old scout, how is your stock a-holdin' out?" Then we'd be off,two solid pals, a-chatterin' like giddy gals of flivvers, weather, home,and wives, lodge-brothers then for all our lives! So when Sam Satanmakes you blue, good friend, that's what I'd up and do, for in theseStates where'er you roam, you never leave your home sweet home.""'Yes, sir, these other burgs are our true partners in the great gameof vital living. But let's not have any mistake about this. I claim thatZenith is the best partner and the fastest-growing partner of the wholecaboodle. I trust I may be pardoned if I give a few statistics to backup my claims. If they are old stuff to any of you, yet the tidings ofprosperity, like the good news of the Bible, never become tedious to theears of a real hustler, no matter how oft the sweet story is told! Everyintelligent person knows that Zenith manufactures more condensed milkand evaporated cream, more paper boxes, and more lighting-fixtures, thanany other city in the United States, if not in the world. But it is notso universally known that we also stand second in the manufacture ofpackage-butter, sixth in the giant realm of motors and automobiles,and somewhere about third in cheese, leather findings, tar roofing,breakfast food, and overalls!"'Our greatness, however, lies not alone in punchful prosperity butequally in that public spirit, that forward-looking idealism andbrotherhood, which has marked Zenith ever since its foundation by theFathers. We have a right, indeed we have a duty toward our fair city,to announce broadcast the facts about our high schools, characterized bytheir complete plants and the finest school-ventilating systems inthe country, bar none; our magnificent new hotels and banks and thepaintings and carved marble in their lobbies; and the Second NationalTower, the second highest business building in any inland city in theentire country. When I add that we have an unparalleled number of milesof paved streets, bathrooms vacuum cleaners, and all the other signsof civilization; that our library and art museum are well supported andhoused in convenient and roomy buildings; that our park-system is morethan up to par, with its handsome driveways adorned with grass,shrubs, and statuary, then I give but a hint of the all round unlimitedgreatness of Zenith!"'I believe, however, in keeping the best to the last. When I remind youthat we have one motor car for every five and seven-eighths persons inthe city, then I give a rock-ribbed practical indication of the kind ofprogress and braininess which is synonymous with the name Zenith!"'But the way of the righteous is not all roses. Before I close I mustcall your attention to a problem we have to face, this coming year. Theworst menace to sound government is not the avowed socialists but alot of cowards who work under cover--the long-haired gentry whocall themselves "liberals" and "radicals" and "non-partisan" and"intelligentsia" and God only knows how many other trick names!Irresponsible teachers and professors constitute the worst of this wholegang, and I am ashamed to say that several of them are on the faculty ofour great State University! The U. is my own Alma Mater, and I am proudto be known as an alumni, but there are certain instructors there whoseem to think we ought to turn the conduct of the nation over to hoboesand roustabouts."'Those profs are the snakes to be scotched--they and all theirmilk-and-water ilk! The American business man is generous to afault. But one thing he does demand of all teachers and lecturers andjournalists: if we're going to pay them our good money, they've gotto help us by selling efficiency and whooping it up for rationalprosperity! And when it comes to these blab-mouth, fault-finding,pessimistic, cynical University teachers, let me tell you that duringthis golden coming year it's just as much our duty to bring influence tohave those cusses fired as it is to sell all the real estate and gatherin all the good shekels we can."'Not till that is done will our sons and daughters see that the idealof American manhood and culture isn't a lot of cranks sitting aroundchewing the rag about their Rights and their Wrongs, but a God-fearing,hustling, successful, two-fisted Regular Guy, who belongs to some churchwith pep and piety to it, who belongs to the Boosters or the Rotariansor the Kiwanis, to the Elks or Moose or Red Men or Knights of Columbusor any one of a score of organizations of good, jolly, kidding,laughing, sweating, upstanding, lend-a-handing Royal Good Fellows,who plays hard and works hard, and whose answer to his critics is asquare-toed boot that'll teach the grouches and smart alecks to respectthe He-man and get out and root for Uncle Samuel, U.S.A.!'"IVBabbitt promised to become a recognized orator. He entertained a Smokerof the Men's Club of the Chatham Road presbyterian Church with Irish,Jewish, and Chinese dialect stories.But in nothing was he more clearly revealed as the Prominent Citizenthan in his lecture on "Brass Tacks Facts on Real Estate," as deliveredbefore the class in Sales Methods at the Zenith Y.M.C.A.The Advocate-Times reported the lecture so fully that Vergil Gunch saidto Babbitt, "You're getting to be one of the classiest spellbinders intown. Seems 's if I couldn't pick up a paper without reading about yourwell-known eloquence. All this guff ought to bring a lot of businessinto your office. Good work! Keep it up!""Go on, quit your kidding," said Babbitt feebly, but at this tributefrom Gunch, himself a man of no mean oratorical fame, he expanded withdelight and wondered how, before his vacation, he could have questionedthe joys of being a solid citizen.