How to Write a Blackwood Article
"In the name of the Prophet -- figs !!"Cry of the Turkish fig-peddler.I PRESUME everybody has heard of me. My name is the Signora PsycheZenobia. This I know to be a fact. Nobody but my enemies ever callsme Suky Snobbs. I have been assured that Suky is but a vulgarcorruption of Psyche, which is good Greek, and means "the soul"(that's me, I'm all soul) and sometimes "a butterfly," which lattermeaning undoubtedly alludes to my appearance in my new crimson satindress, with the sky-blue Arabian mantelet, and the trimmings of greenagraffas, and the seven flounces of orange-colored auriculas. As forSnobbs -- any person who should look at me would be instantly awarethat my name wasn't Snobbs. Miss Tabitha Turnip propagated thatreport through sheer envy. Tabitha Turnip indeed! Oh the littlewretch! But what can we expect from a turnip? Wonder if she remembersthe old adage about "blood out of a turnip," &c.? [Mem. put her inmind of it the first opportunity.] [Mem. again -- pull her nose.]Where was I? Ah! I have been assured that Snobbs is a mere corruptionof Zenobia, and that Zenobia was a queen -- (So am I. Dr. Moneypennyalways calls me the Queen of the Hearts) -- and that Zenobia, as wellas Psyche, is good Greek, and that my father was "a Greek," and thatconsequently I have a right to our patronymic, which is Zenobia andnot by any means Snobbs. Nobody but Tabitha Turnip calls me SukySnobbs. I am the Signora Psyche Zenobia.As I said before, everybody has heard of me. I am that very SignoraPsyche Zenobia, so justly celebrated as corresponding secretary tothe "Philadelphia, Regular, Exchange, Tea, Total, Young, Belles,Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical, Association, To,Civilize, Humanity." Dr. Moneypenny made the title for us, and sayshe chose it because it sounded big like an empty rum-puncheon. (Avulgar man that sometimes -- but he's deep.) We all sign the initialsof the society after our names, in the fashion of the R. S. A., RoyalSociety of Arts -- the S. D. U. K., Society for the Diffusion ofUseful Knowledge, &c, &c. Dr. Moneypenny says that S. stands forstale, and that D. U. K. spells duck, (but it don't,) that S. D. U.K. stands for Stale Duck and not for Lord Brougham's society -- butthen Dr. Moneypenny is such a queer man that I am never sure when heis telling me the truth. At any rate we always add to our names theinitials P. R. E. T. T. Y. B. L. U. E. B. A. T. C. H. -- that is tosay, Philadelphia, Regular, Exchange, Tea, Total, Young, Belles,Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical, Association, To,Civilize, Humanity -- one letter for each word, which is a decidedimprovement upon Lord Brougham. Dr. Moneypenny will have it that ourinitials give our true character -- but for my life I can't see whathe means.Notwithstanding the good offices of the Doctor, and the strenuousexertions of the association to get itself into notice, it met withno very great success until I joined it. The truth is, the membersindulged in too flippant a tone of discussion. The papers read everySaturday evening were characterized less by depth than buffoonery.They were all whipped syllabub. There was no investigation of firstcauses, first principles. There was no investigation of any thing atall. There was no attention paid to that great point, the "fitness ofthings." In short there was no fine writing like this. It was all low-- very! No profundity, no reading, no metaphysics -- nothing whichthe learned call spirituality, and which the unlearned choose tostigmatize as cant. [Dr. M. says I ought to spell "cant" with acapital K -- but I know better.]When I joined the society it was my endeavor to introduce a betterstyle of thinking and writing, and all the world knows how well Ihave succeeded. We get up as good papers now in the P. R. E. T. T. Y.B. L. U. E. B. A. T. C. H. as any to be found even in Blackwood. Isay, Blackwood, because I have been assured that the finest writing,upon every subject, is to be discovered in the pages of that justlycelebrated Magazine. We now take it for our model upon all themes,and are getting into rapid notice accordingly. And, after all, it'snot so very difficult a matter to compose an article of the genuineBlackwood stamp, if one only goes properly about it. Of course Idon't speak of the political articles. Everybody knows how they aremanaged, since Dr. Moneypenny explained it. Mr. Blackwood has a pairof tailor's-shears, and three apprentices who stand by him fororders. One hands him the "Times," another the "Examiner" and a thirda "Culley's New Compendium of Slang-Whang." Mr. B. merely cuts outand intersperses. It is soon done -- nothing but "Examiner,""Slang-Whang," and "Times" -- then "Times," "Slang-Whang," and"Examiner" -- and then "Times," "Examiner," and "Slang-Whang."But the chief merit of the Magazine lies in its miscellaneousarticles; and the best of these come under the head of what Dr.Moneypenny calls the bizarreries (whatever that may mean) and whateverybody else calls the intensities. This is a species of writingwhich I have long known how to appreciate, although it is only sincemy late visit to Mr. Blackwood (deputed by the society) that I havebeen made aware of the exact method of composition. This method isvery simple, but not so much so as the politics. Upon my calling atMr. B.'s, and making known to him the wishes of the society, hereceived me with great civility, took me into his study, and gave mea clear explanation of the whole process."My dear madam," said he, evidently struck with my majesticappearance, for I had on the crimson satin, with the green agraffas,and orange-colored auriclas. "My dear madam," said he, "sit down. Thematter stands thus: In the first place your writer of intensitiesmust have very black ink, and a very big pen, with a very blunt nib.And, mark me, Miss Psyche Zenobia!" he continued, after a pause, withthe most expressive energy and solemnity of manner, "mark me! -- thatpen -- must -- never be mended! Herein, madam, lies the secret, thesoul, of intensity. I assume upon myself to say, that no individual,of however great genius ever wrote with a good pen -- understand me,-- a good article. You may take, it for granted, that when manuscriptcan be read it is never worth reading. This is a leading principle inour faith, to which if you cannot readily assent, our conference isat an end."He paused. But, of course, as I had no wish to put an end to theconference, I assented to a proposition so very obvious, and one,too, of whose truth I had all along been sufficiently aware. Heseemed pleased, and went on with his instructions."It may appear invidious in me, Miss Psyche Zenobia, to refer you toany article, or set of articles, in the way of model or study, yetperhaps I may as well call your attention to a few cases. Let me see.There was 'The Dead Alive,' a capital thing! -- the record of agentleman's sensations when entombed before the breath was out of hisbody -- full of tastes, terror, sentiment, metaphysics, anderudition. You would have sworn that the writer had been born andbrought up in a coffin. Then we had the 'Confessions of anOpium-eater' -- fine, very fine! -- glorious imagination -- deepphilosophy acute speculation -- plenty of fire and fury, and a goodspicing of the decidedly unintelligible. That was a nice bit offlummery, and went down the throats of the people delightfully. Theywould have it that Coleridge wrote the paper -- but not so. It wascomposed by my pet baboon, Juniper, over a rummer of Hollands andwater, 'hot, without sugar.'" [This I could scarcely have believedhad it been anybody but Mr. Blackwood, who assured me of it.] "Thenthere was 'The Involuntary Experimentalist,' all about a gentlemanwho got baked in an oven, and came out alive and well, althoughcertainly done to a turn. And then there was 'The Diary of a LatePhysician,' where the merit lay in good rant, and indifferent Greek-- both of them taking things with the public. And then there was'The Man in the Bell,' a paper by-the-by, Miss Zenobia, which Icannot sufficiently recommend to your attention. It is the history ofa young person who goes to sleep under the clapper of a church bell,and is awakened by its tolling for a funeral. The sound drives himmad, and, accordingly, pulling out his tablets, he gives a record ofhis sensations. Sensations are the great things after all. Should youever be drowned or hung, be sure and make a note of your sensations-- they will be worth to you ten guineas a sheet. If you wish towrite forcibly, Miss Zenobia, pay minute attention to thesensations.""That I certainly will, Mr. Blackwood," said I."Good!" he replied. "I see you are a pupil after my own heart. But Imust put you au fait to the details necessary in composing what maybe denominated a genuine Blackwood article of the sensation stamp --the kind which you will understand me to say I consider the best forall purposes."The first thing requisite is to get yourself into such a scrape asno one ever got into before. The oven, for instance, -- that was agood hit. But if you have no oven or big bell, at hand, and if youcannot conveniently tumble out of a balloon, or be swallowed up in anearthquake, or get stuck fast in a chimney, you will have to becontented with simply imagining some similar misadventure. I shouldprefer, however, that you have the actual fact to bear you out.Nothing so well assists the fancy, as an experimental knowledge ofthe matter in hand. 'Truth is strange,' you know, 'stranger thanfiction' -- besides being more to the purpose."Here I assured him I had an excellent pair of garters, and would goand hang myself forthwith."Good!" he replied, "do so; -- although hanging is somewhat hacknied.Perhaps you might do better. Take a dose of Brandreth's pills, andthen give us your sensations. However, my instructions will applyequally well to any variety of misadventure, and in your way home youmay easily get knocked in the head, or run over by an omnibus, orbitten by a mad dog, or drowned in a gutter. But to proceed."Having determined upon your subject, you must next consider thetone, or manner, of your narration. There is the tone didactic, thetone enthusiastic, the tone natural -- all common -- place enough.But then there is the tone laconic, or curt, which has lately comemuch into use. It consists in short sentences. Somehow thus: Can't betoo brief. Can't be too snappish. Always a full stop. And never aparagraph."Then there is the tone elevated, diffusive, and interjectional. Someof our best novelists patronize this tone. The words must be all in awhirl, like a humming-top, and make a noise very similar, whichanswers remarkably well instead of meaning. This is the best of allpossible styles where the writer is in too great a hurry to think."The tone metaphysical is also a good one. If you know any big wordsthis is your chance for them. Talk of the Ionic and Eleatic schools-- of Archytas, Gorgias, and Alcmaeon. Say something aboutobjectivity and subjectivity. Be sure and abuse a man named Locke.Turn up your nose at things in general, and when you let slip anything a little too absurd, you need not be at the trouble ofscratching it out, but just add a footnote and say that you areindebted for the above profound observation to the 'Kritik der reinemVernunft,' or to the 'Metaphysithe Anfongsgrunde derNoturwissenchaft.' This would look erudite and -- and -- and frank."There are various other tones of equal celebrity, but I shallmention only two more -- the tone transcendental and the toneheterogeneous. In the former the merit consists in seeing into thenature of affairs a very great deal farther than anybody else. Thissecond sight is very efficient when properly managed. A littlereading of the 'Dial' will carry you a great way. Eschew, in thiscase, big words; get them as small as possible, and write them upsidedown. Look over Channing's poems and quote what he says about a 'fatlittle man with a delusive show of Can.' Put in something about theSupernal Oneness. Don't say a syllable about the Infernal Twoness.Above all, study innuendo. Hint everything -- assert nothing. If youfeel inclined to say 'bread and butter,' do not by any means say itoutright. You may say any thing and every thing approaching to 'breadand butter.' You may hint at buck-wheat cake, or you may even go sofar as to insinuate oat-meal porridge, but if bread and butter beyour real meaning, be cautious, my dear Miss Psyche, not on anyaccount to say 'bread and butter!'I assured him that I should never say it again as long as I lived. Hekissed me and continued:"As for the tone heterogeneous, it is merely a judicious mixture, inequal proportions, of all the other tones in the world, and isconsequently made up of every thing deep, great, odd, piquant,pertinent, and pretty."Let us suppose now you have determined upon your incidents and tone.The most important portion -- in fact, the soul of the wholebusiness, is yet to be attended to -- I allude to the filling up. Itis not to be supposed that a lady, or gentleman either, has beenleading the life of a book worm. And yet above all things it isnecessary that your article have an air of erudition, or at leastafford evidence of extensive general reading. Now I'll put you in theway of accomplishing this point. See here!" (pulling down some threeor four ordinary-looking volumes, and opening them at random). "Bycasting your eye down almost any page of any book in the world, youwill be able to perceive at once a host of little scraps of eitherlearning or bel-espritism, which are the very thing for the spicingof a Blackwood article. You might as well note down a few while Iread them to you. I shall make two divisions: first, Piquant Factsfor the Manufacture of Similes, and, second, Piquant Expressions tobe introduced as occasion may require. Write now!" -- and I wrote ashe dictated."PIQUANT FACTS FOR SIMILES. 'There were originally but three Muses --Melete, Mneme, Aoede -- meditation, memory, and singing.' You maymake a good deal of that little fact if properly worked. You see itis not generally known, and looks recherche. You must be careful andgive the thing with a downright improviso air."Again. 'The river Alpheus passed beneath the sea, and emergedwithout injury to the purity of its waters.' Rather stale that, to besure, but, if properly dressed and dished up, will look quite asfresh as ever."Here is something better. 'The Persian Iris appears to some personsto possess a sweet and very powerful perfume, while to others it isperfectly scentless.' Fine that, and very delicate! Turn it about alittle, and it will do wonders. We'll have some thing else in thebotanical line. There's nothing goes down so well, especially withthe help of a little Latin. Write!"'The Epidendrum Flos Aeris, of Java, bears a very beautiful flower,and will live when pulled up by the roots. The natives suspend it bya cord from the ceiling, and enjoy its fragrance for years.' That'scapital! That will do for the similes. Now for the PiquantExpressions."PIQUANT EXPRESSIONS. 'The Venerable Chinese novel Ju-Kiao-Li.' Good!By introducing these few words with dexterity you will evince yourintimate acquaintance with the language and literature of theChinese. With the aid of this you may either get along without eitherArabic, or Sanscrit, or Chickasaw. There is no passing muster,however, without Spanish, Italian, German, Latin, and Greek. I mustlook you out a little specimen of each. Any scrap will answer,because you must depend upon your own ingenuity to make it fit intoyour article. Now write!"'Aussi tendre que Zaire' -- as tender as Zaire-French. Alludes tothe frequent repetition of the phrase, la tendre Zaire, in the Frenchtragedy of that name. Properly introduced, will show not only yourknowledge of the language, but your general reading and wit. You cansay, for instance, that the chicken you were eating (write an articleabout being choked to death by a chicken-bone) was not altogetheraussi tendre que Zaire. Write! 'Van muerte tan escondida, Que no te sienta venir,Porque el plazer del morir, No mestorne a dar la vida.' "That's Spanish -- from Miguel de Cervantes. 'Come quickly, O death!but be sure and don't let me see you coming, lest the pleasure Ishall feel at your appearance should unfortunately bring me backagain to life.' This you may slip in quite a propos when you arestruggling in the last agonies with the chicken-bone. Write! 'Il pover 'huomo che non se'n era accorto,Andava combattendo, e era morto.' That's Italian, you perceive -- from Ariosto. It means that a greathero, in the heat of combat, not perceiving that he had been fairlykilled, continued to fight valiantly, dead as he was. The applicationof this to your own case is obvious -- for I trust, Miss Psyche, thatyou will not neglect to kick for at least an hour and a half afteryou have been choked to death by that chicken-bone. Please to write! 'Und sterb'ich doch, no sterb'ich denn Durch sie -- durch sie!' That's German -- from Schiller. 'And if I die, at least I die -- forthee -- for thee!' Here it is clear that you are apostrophizing thecause of your disaster, the chicken. Indeed what gentleman (or ladyeither) of sense, wouldn't die, I should like to know, for a wellfattened capon of the right Molucca breed, stuffed with capers andmushrooms, and served up in a salad-bowl, with orange-jellies enmosaiques. Write! (You can get them that way at Tortoni's) -- Write,if you please!"Here is a nice little Latin phrase, and rare too, (one can't be toorecherche or brief in one's Latin, it's getting so common --ignoratio elenchi. He has committed an ignoratio elenchi -- that isto say, he has understood the words of your proposition, but not theidea. The man was a fool, you see. Some poor fellow whom you addresswhile choking with that chicken-bone, and who therefore didn'tprecisely understand what you were talking about. Throw the ignoratioelenchi in his teeth, and, at once, you have him annihilated. If hedares to reply, you can tell him from Lucan (here it is) thatspeeches are mere anemonae verborum, anemone words. The anemone, withgreat brilliancy, has no smell. Or, if he begins to bluster, you maybe down upon him with insomnia Jovis, reveries of Jupiter -- a phrasewhich Silius Italicus (see here!) applies to thoughts pompous andinflated. This will be sure and cut him to the heart. He can donothing but roll over and die. Will you be kind enough to write?"In Greek we must have some thing pretty -- from Demosthenes, forexample. ![Anerh o pheugoen kai palin makesetai] There is a tolerably goodtranslation of it in Hudibras 'For he that flies may fight again, Which he can never do that's slain.'In a Blackwood article nothing makes so fine a show as your Greek.The very letters have an air of profundity about them. Only observe,madam, the astute look of that Epsilon! That Phi ought certainly tobe a bishop! Was ever there a smarter fellow than that Omicron? Justtwig that Tau! In short, there is nothing like Greek for a genuinesensation-paper. In the present case your application is the mostobvious thing in the world. Rap out the sentence, with a huge oath,and by way of ultimatum at the good-for-nothing dunder-headed villainwho couldn't understand your plain English in relation to thechicken-bone. He'll take the hint and be off, you may depend uponit."These were all the instructions Mr. B. could afford me upon the topicin question, but I felt they would be entirely sufficient. I was, atlength, able to write a genuine Blackwood article, and determined todo it forthwith. In taking leave of me, Mr. B. made a proposition forthe purchase of the paper when written; but as he could offer me onlyfifty guineas a sheet, I thought it better to let our society haveit, than sacrifice it for so paltry a sum. Notwithstanding thisniggardly spirit, however, the gentleman showed his consideration forme in all other respects, and indeed treated me with the greatestcivility. His parting words made a deep impression upon my heart, andI hope I shall always remember them with gratitude."My dear Miss Zenobia," he said, while the tears stood in his eyes,"is there anything else I can do to promote the success of yourlaudable undertaking? Let me reflect! It is just possible that youmay not be able, so soon as convenient, to -- to -- get yourselfdrowned, or -- choked with a chicken-bone, or -- or hung, -- or --bitten by a -- but stay! Now I think me of it, there are a couple ofvery excellent bull-dogs in the yard -- fine fellows, I assure you --savage, and all that -- indeed just the thing for your money --they'll have you eaten up, auricula and all, in less than fiveminutes (here's my watch!) -- and then only think of the sensations!Here! I say -- Tom! -- Peter! -- Dick, you villain! -- let out those"-- but as I was really in a great hurry, and had not another momentto spare, I was reluctantly forced to expedite my departure, andaccordingly took leave at once -- somewhat more abruptly, I admit,than strict courtesy would have otherwise allowed.It was my primary object upon quitting Mr. Blackwood, to get intosome immediate difficulty, pursuant to his advice, and with this viewI spent the greater part of the day in wandering about Edinburgh,seeking for desperate adventures -- adventures adequate to theintensity of my feelings, and adapted to the vast character of thearticle I intended to write. In this excursion I was attended by onenegro -- servant, Pompey, and my little lap-dog Diana, whom I hadbrought with me from Philadelphia. It was not, however, until late inthe afternoon that I fully succeeded in my arduous undertaking. Animportant event then happened of which the following Blackwoodarticle, in the tone heterogeneous, is the substance and result.
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