Insurance up to Date

by Stephen Leacock

　　So I made up my mind that I would outwit this man at his own game. I let him talk straight ahead and encouraged him all I could, until he finally left me with a sheet of questions which I was to answer as an applicant. Now this was what I was waiting for; I had decided that, if that company wanted information about me, they should have it, and have the very best quality I could supply. So I spread the sheet of questions before me, and drew up a set of answers for them, which, I hoped, would settle for ever all doubts as to my eligibility for insurance.

　　Question.--What is your age?Answer.--I can't think.Q.--What is your chest measurement?A.--Nineteen inches.Q.--What is your chest expansion?A.--Half an inch.Q.--What is your height?A.--Six feet five, if erect, but less when I walk on all fours.Q.--Is your grandfather dead?A.--Practically.Q.--Cause of death, if dead?A.--Dipsomania, if dead.Q.--Is your father dead?A.--To the world.Q.--Cause of death?A.--Hydrophobia.Q.--Place of father's residence?A.--Kentucky.Q.--What illness have you had?A.--As a child, consumption, leprosy, and water on the knee. As a man, whooping-cough, stomach-ache, and water on the brain.Q.--Have you any brothers?A.--Thirteen; all nearly dead.Q.--Are you aware of any habits or tendencies which might be expected to shorten your life?A.--I am aware. I drink, I smoke, I take morphine and vaseline. I swallow grape seeds and I hate exercise.I thought when I had come to the end of that list that I had made a dead sure thing of it, and I posted the paper with a cheque for three months' payment, feeling pretty confident of having the cheque sent back to me. I was a good deal surprised a few days later to receive the following letter from the company:

　　"DEAR SIR,--We beg to acknowledge your letter of application and cheque for fifteen dollars. After a careful comparison of your case with the average modern standard, we are pleased to accept you as a first-class risk."