King Pest
A Tale Containing an Allegory.The gods do bear and will allow in kingsThe things which they abhor in rascal routes.Buckhurst's Tragedy of Ferrex and Porrex.ABOUT twelve o'clock, one night in the month of October, and duringthe chivalrous reign of the third Edward, two seamen belonging to thecrew of the "Free and Easy," a trading schooner plying between Sluysand the Thames, and then at anchor in that river, were muchastonished to find themselves seated in the tap-room of an ale-housein the parish of St. Andrews, London -- which ale-house bore for signthe portraiture of a "Jolly Tar."The room, although ill-contrived, smoke-blackened, low-pitched, andin every other respect agreeing with the general character of suchplaces at the period -- was, nevertheless, in the opinion of thegrotesque groups scattered here and there within it, sufficientlywell adapted to its purpose.Of these groups our two seamen formed, I think, the most interesting,if not the most conspicuous.The one who appeared to be the elder, and whom his companionaddressed by the characteristic appellation of "Legs," was at thesame time much the taller of the two. He might have measured six feetand a half, and an habitual stoop in the shoulders seemed to havebeen the necessary consequence of an altitude so enormous. --Superfluities in height were, however, more than accounted for bydeficiencies in other respects. He was exceedingly thin; and might,as his associates asserted, have answered, when drunk, for a pennantat the mast-head, or, when sober, have served for a jib-boom. Butthese jests, and others of a similar nature, had evidently produced,at no time, any effect upon the cachinnatory muscles of the tar. Withhigh cheek-bones, a large hawk-nose, retreating chin, fallenunder-jaw, and huge protruding white eyes, the expression of hiscountenance, although tinged with a species of dogged indifference tomatters and things in general, was not the less utterly solemn andserious beyond all attempts at imitation or description.The younger seaman was, in all outward appearance, the converse ofhis companion. His stature could not have exceeded four feet. A pairof stumpy bow-legs supported his squat, unwieldy figure, while hisunusually short and thick arms, with no ordinary fists at theirextremities, swung off dangling from his sides like the fins of asea-turtle. Small eyes, of no particular color, twinkled far back inhis head. His nose remained buried in the mass of flesh whichenveloped his round, full, and purple face; and his thick upper-liprested upon the still thicker one beneath with an air of complacentself-satisfaction, much heightened by the owner's habit of lickingthem at intervals. He evidently regarded his tall shipmate with afeeling half-wondrous, half-quizzical; and stared up occasionally inhis face as the red setting sun stares up at the crags of Ben Nevis.Various and eventful, however, had been the peregrinations of theworthy couple in and about the different tap-houses of theneighbourhood during the earlier hours of the night. Funds even themost ample, are not always everlasting: and it was with empty pocketsour friends had ventured upon the present hostelrie.At the precise period, then, when this history properly commences,Legs, and his fellow Hugh Tarpaulin, sat, each with both elbowsresting upon the large oaken table in the middle of the floor, andwith a hand upon either cheek. They were eyeing, from behind a hugeflagon of unpaid-for "humming-stuff," the portentous words, "NoChalk," which to their indignation and astonishment were scored overthe doorway by means of that very mineral whose presence theypurported to deny. Not that the gift of decyphering writtencharacters -- a gift among the commonalty of that day consideredlittle less cabalistical than the art of inditing -- could, in strictjustice, have been laid to the charge of either disciple of the sea;but there was, to say the truth, a certain twist in the formation ofthe letters -- an indescribable lee-lurch about the whole -- -whichforeboded, in the opinion of both seamen, a long run of dirtyweather; and determined them at once, in the allegorical words ofLegs himself, to "pump ship, clew up all sail, and scud before thewind."Having accordingly disposed of what remained of the ale, and loopedup the points of their short doublets, they finally made a bolt forthe street. Although Tarpaulin rolled twice into the fire-place,mistaking it for the door, yet their escape was at length happilyeffected -- and half after twelve o'clock found our heroes ripe formischief, and running for life down a dark alley in the direction ofSt. Andrew's Stair, hotly pursued by the landlady of the "Jolly Tar."At the epoch of this eventful tale, and periodically, for many yearsbefore and after, all England, but more especially the metropolis,resounded with the fearful cry of "Plague!" The city was in a greatmeasure depopulated -- and in those horrible regions, in the vicinityof the Thames, where amid the dark, narrow, and filthy lanes andalleys, the Demon of Disease was supposed to have had his nativity,Awe, Terror, and Superstition were alone to be found stalking abroad.By authority of the king such districts were placed under ban, andall persons forbidden, under pain of death, to intrude upon theirdismal solitude. Yet neither the mandate of the monarch, nor the hugebarriers erected at the entrances of the streets, nor the prospect ofthat loathsome death which, with almost absolute certainty,overwhelmed the wretch whom no peril could deter from the adventure,prevented the unfurnished and untenanted dwellings from beingstripped, by the hand of nightly rapine, of every article, such asiron, brass, or lead-work, which could in any manner be turned to aprofitable account.Above all, it was usually found, upon the annual winter opening ofthe barriers, that locks, bolts, and secret cellars, had proved butslender protection to those rich stores of wines and liquors which,in consideration of the risk and trouble of removal, many of thenumerous dealers having shops in the neighbourhood had consented totrust, during the period of exile, to so insufficient a security.But there were very few of the terror-stricken people who attributedthese doings to the agency of human hands. Pest-spirits,plague-goblins, and fever-demons, were the popular imps of mischief;and tales so blood-chilling were hourly told, that the whole mass offorbidden buildings was, at length, enveloped in terror as in ashroud, and the plunderer himself was often scared away by thehorrors his own depreciations had created; leaving the entire vastcircuit of prohibited district to gloom, silence, pestilence, anddeath.It was by one of the terrific barriers already mentioned, and whichindicated the region beyond to be under the Pest-ban, that, inscrambling down an alley, Legs and the worthy Hugh Tarpaulin foundtheir progress suddenly impeded. To return was out of the question,and no time was to be lost, as their pursuers were close upon theirheels. With thorough-bred seamen to clamber up the roughly fashionedplank-work was a trifle; and, maddened with the twofold excitement ofexercise and liquor, they leaped unhesitatingly down within theenclosure, and holding on their drunken course with shouts andyellings, were soon bewildered in its noisome and intricate recesses.Had they not, indeed, been intoxicated beyond moral sense, theirreeling footsteps must have been palsied by the horrors of theirsituation. The air was cold and misty. The paving-stones, loosenedfrom their beds, lay in wild disorder amid the tall, rank grass,which sprang up around the feet and ankles. Fallen houses choked upthe streets. The most fetid and poisonous smells everywhereprevailed; -- and by the aid of that ghastly light which, even atmidnight, never fails to emanate from a vapory and pestilential atatmosphere, might be discerned lying in the by-paths and alleys, orrotting in the windowless habitations, the carcass of many anocturnal plunderer arrested by the hand of the plague in the veryperpetration of his robbery.-- But it lay not in the power of images, or sensations, orimpediments such as these, to stay the course of men who, naturallybrave, and at that time especially, brimful of courage and of"humming-stuff!" would have reeled, as straight as their conditionmight have permitted, undauntedly into the very jaws of Death. Onward-- still onward stalked the grim Legs, making the desolate solemnityecho and re-echo with yells like the terrific war-whoop of theIndian: and onward, still onward rolled the dumpy Tarpaulin, hangingon to the doublet of his more active companion, and far surpassingthe latter's most strenuous exertions in the way of vocal music, bybull-roarings in basso, from the profundity of his stentorian lungs.They had now evidently reached the strong hold of the pestilence.Their way at every step or plunge grew more noisome and more horrible-- the paths more narrow and more intricate. Huge stones and beamsfalling momently from the decaying roofs above them, gave evidence,by their sullen and heavy descent, of the vast height of thesurrounding houses; and while actual exertion became necessary toforce a passage through frequent heaps of rubbish, it was by no meansseldom that the hand fell upon a skeleton or rested upon a morefleshly corpse.Suddenly, as the seamen stumbled against the entrance of a tall andghastly-looking building, a yell more than usually shrill from thethroat of the excited Legs, was replied to from within, in a rapidsuccession of wild, laughter-like, and fiendish shrieks. Nothingdaunted at sounds which, of such a nature, at such a time, and insuch a place, might have curdled the very blood in hearts lessirrevocably on fire, the drunken couple rushed headlong against thedoor, burst it open, and staggered into the midst of things with avolley of curses.The room within which they found themselves proved to be the shop ofan undertaker; but an open trap-door, in a corner of the floor nearthe entrance, looked down upon a long range of wine-cellars, whosedepths the occasional sound of bursting bottles proclaimed to be wellstored with their appropriate contents. In the middle of the roomstood a table -- in the centre of which again arose a huge tub ofwhat appeared to be punch. Bottles of various wines and cordials,together with jugs, pitchers, and flagons of every shape and quality,were scattered profusely upon the board. Around it, uponcoffin-tressels, was seated a company of six. This company I willendeavor to delineate one by one.Fronting the entrance, and elevated a little above his companions,sat a personage who appeared to be the president of the table. Hisstature was gaunt and tall, and Legs was confounded to behold in hima figure more emaciated than himself. His face was as yellow assaffron -- but no feature excepting one alone, was sufficientlymarked to merit a particular description. This one consisted in aforehead so unusually and hideously lofty, as to have the appearanceof a bonnet or crown of flesh superadded upon the natural head. Hismouth was puckered and dimpled into an expression of ghastlyaffability, and his eyes, as indeed the eyes of all at table, wereglazed over with the fumes of intoxication. This gentleman wasclothed from head to foot in a richly-embroidered black silk-velvetpall, wrapped negligently around his form after the fashion of aSpanish cloak. -- His head was stuck full of sable hearse-plumes,which he nodded to and fro with a jaunty and knowing air; and, in hisright hand, he held a huge human thigh-bone, with which he appearedto have been just knocking down some member of the company for asong.Opposite him, and with her back to the door, was a lady of no whitthe less extraordinary character. Although quite as tall as theperson just described, she had no right to complain of his unnaturalemaciation. She was evidently in the last stage of a dropsy; and herfigure resembled nearly that of the huge puncheon of October beerwhich stood, with the head driven in, close by her side, in a cornerof the chamber. Her face was exceedingly round, red, and full; andthe same peculiarity, or rather want of peculiarity, attached itselfto her countenance, which I before mentioned in the case of thepresident -- that is to say, only one feature of her face wassufficiently distinguished to need a separate characterization:indeed the acute Tarpaulin immediately observed that the same remarkmight have applied to each individual person of the party; every oneof whom seemed to possess a monopoly of some particular portion ofphysiognomy. With the lady in question this portion proved to be themouth. Commencing at the right ear, it swept with a terrific chasm tothe left -- the short pendants which she wore in either auriclecontinually bobbing into the aperture. She made, however, everyexertion to keep her mouth closed and look dignified, in a dressconsisting of a newly starched and ironed shroud coming up closeunder her chin, with a crimpled ruffle of cambric muslin.At her right hand sat a diminutive young lady whom she appeared topatronise. This delicate little creature, in the trembling of herwasted fingers, in the livid hue of her lips, and in the slighthectic spot which tinged her otherwise leaden complexion, gaveevident indications of a galloping consumption. An air of gaveextreme haut ton, however, pervaded her whole appearance; she wore ina graceful and degage manner, a large and beautiful winding-sheet ofthe finest India lawn; her hair hung in ringlets over her neck; asoft smile played about her mouth; but her nose, extremely long,thin, sinuous, flexible and pimpled, hung down far below her underlip, and in spite of the delicate manner in which she now and thenmoved it to one side or the other with her tongue, gave to hercountenance a somewhat equivocal expression.Over against her, and upon the left of the dropsical lady, was seateda little puffy, wheezing, and gouty old man, whose cheeks reposedupon the shoulders of their owner, like two huge bladders of Oportowine. With his arms folded, and with one bandaged leg deposited uponthe table, he seemed to think himself entitled to some consideration.He evidently prided himself much upon every inch of his personalappearance, but took more especial delight in calling attention tohis gaudy-colored surtout. This, to say the truth, must have cost himno little money, and was made to fit him exceedingly well -- beingfashioned from one of the curiously embroidered silken coversappertaining to those glorious escutcheons which, in England andelsewhere, are customarily hung up, in some conspicuous place, uponthe dwellings of departed aristocracy.Next to him, and at the right hand of the president, was a gentlemanin long white hose and cotton drawers. His frame shook, in aridiculous manner, with a fit of what Tarpaulin called "the horrors."His jaws, which had been newly shaved, were tightly tied up by abandage of muslin; and his arms being fastened in a similar way atthe wrists, I I prevented him from helping himself too freely to theliquors upon the table; a precaution rendered necessary, in theopinion of Legs, by the peculiarly sottish and wine-bibbing cast ofhis visage. A pair of prodigious ears, nevertheless, which it was nodoubt found impossible to confine, towered away into the atmosphereof the apartment, and were occasionally pricked up in a spasm, at thesound of the drawing of a cork.Fronting him, sixthly and lastly, was situated a singularlystiff-looking personage, who, being afflicted with paralysis, must,to speak seriously, have felt very ill at ease in his unaccommodatinghabiliments. He was habited, somewhat uniquely, in a new and handsomemahogany coffin. Its top or head-piece pressed upon the skull of thewearer, and extended over it in the fashion of a hood, giving to theentire face an air of indescribable interest. Arm-holes had been cutin the sides, for the sake not more of elegance than of convenience;but the dress, nevertheless, prevented its proprietor from sitting aserect as his associates; and as he lay reclining against his tressel,at an angle of forty-five degrees, a pair of huge goggle eyes rolledup their awful whites towards the celling in absolute amazement attheir own enormity.Before each of the party lay a portion of a skull, which was used asa drinking cup. Overhead was suspended a human skeleton, by means ofa rope tied round one of the legs and fastened to a ring in theceiling. The other limb, confined by no such fetter, stuck off fromthe body at right angles, causing the whole loose and rattling frameto dangle and twirl about at the caprice of every occasional puff ofwind which found its way into the apartment. In the cranium of thishideous thing lay quantity of ignited charcoal, which threw a fitfulbut vivid light over the entire scene; while coffins, and other waresappertaining to the shop of an undertaker, were piled high up aroundthe room, and against the windows, preventing any ray from escapinginto the street.At sight of this extraordinary assembly, and of their still moreextraordinary paraphernalia, our two seamen did not conductthemselves with that degree of decorum which might have beenexpected. Legs, leaning against the wall near which he happened to bestanding, dropped his lower jaw still lower than usual, and spreadopen his eyes to their fullest extent: while Hugh Tarpaulin, stoopingdown so as to bring his nose upon a level with the table, andspreading out a palm upon either knee, burst into a long, loud, andobstreperous roar of very ill-timed and immoderate laughter.Without, however, taking offence at behaviour so excessively rude,the tall president smiled very graciously upon the intruders --nodded to them in a dignified manner with his head of sable plumes --and, arising, took each by an arm, and led him to a seat which someothers of the company had placed in the meantime for hisaccommodation. Legs to all this offered not the slightest resistance,but sat down as he was directed; while tile gallant Hugh, removinghis coffin tressel from its station near the head of the table, tothe vicinity of the little consumptive lady in the winding sheet,plumped down by her side in high glee, and pouring out a skull of redwine, quaffed it to their better acquaintance. But at thispresumption the stiff gentleman in the coffin seemed exceedinglynettled; and serious consequences might have ensued, had not thepresident, rapping upon the table with his truncheon, diverted theattention of all present to the following speech:"It becomes our duty upon the present happy occasion" --"Avast there!" interrupted Legs, looking very serious, "avast there abit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye all are, and what businessye have here, rigged off like the foul fiends, and swilling the snugblue ruin stowed away for the winter by my honest shipmate, WillWimble the undertaker!"At this unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the original companyhalf started to their feet, and uttered the same rapid succession ofwild fiendish shrieks which had before caught the attention of theseamen. The president, however, was the first to recover hiscomposure, and at length, turning to Legs with great dignity,recommenced:"Most willingly will we gratify any reasonable curiosity on the partof guests so illustrious, unbidden though they be. Know then that inthese dominions I am monarch, and here rule with undivided empireunder the title of 'King Pest the First.'"This apartment, which you no doubt profanely suppose to be the shopof Will Wimble the undertaker -- a man whom we know not, and whoseplebeian appellation has never before this night thwarted our royalears -- this apartment, I say, is the Dais-Chamber of our Palace,devoted to the councils of our kingdom, and to other sacred and loftypurposes."The noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, our Serene Consort.The other exalted personages whom you behold are all of our family,and wear the insignia of the blood royal under the respective titlesof 'His Grace the Arch Duke Pest-Iferous' -- 'His Grace the DukePest-Ilential' -- 'His Grace the Duke Tem-Pest' -- and 'Her SereneHighness the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.'"As regards," continued he, "your demand of the business upon whichwe sit here in council, we might be pardoned for replying that itconcerns, and concerns alone, our own private and regal interest, andis in no manner important to any other than ourself. But inconsideration of those rights to which as guests and strangers youmay feel yourselves entitled, we will furthermore explain that we arehere this night, prepared by deep research and accurateinvestigation, to examine, analyze, and thoroughly determine theindefinable spirit -- the incomprehensible qualities and nature -- ofthose inestimable treasures of the palate, the wines, ales, andliqueurs of this goodly metropolis: by so doing to advance not moreour own designs than the true welfare of that unearthly sovereignwhose reign is over us all, whose dominions are unlimited, and whosename is 'Death.'"Whose name is Davy Jones!" ejaculated Tarpaulin, helping the lady byhis side to a skull of liqueur, and pouring out a second for himself."Profane varlet!" said the president, now turning his attention tothe worthy Hugh, "profane and execrable wretch! -- we have said, thatin consideration of those rights which, even in thy filthy person, wefeel no inclination to violate, we have condescended to make reply tothy rude and unseasonable inquiries. We nevertheless, for yourunhallowed intrusion upon our councils, believe it our duty to mulctthee and thy companion in each a gallon of Black Strap -- havingimbibed which to the prosperity of our kingdom -- at a single draught-- and upon your bended knees -- ye shall be forthwith free either toproceed upon your way, or remain and be admitted to the privileges ofour table, according to your respective and individual pleasures.""It would be a matter of utter impossibility," replied Legs, whom theassumptions and dignity of King Pest the First had evidently inspiredsome feelings of respect, and who arose and steadied himself by thetable as he spoke -- "It would, please your majesty, be a matter ofutter impossibility to stow away in my hold even one-fourth part ofthe same liquor which your majesty has just mentioned. To say nothingof the stuffs placed on board in the forenoon by way of ballast, andnot to mention the various ales and liqueurs shipped this evening atdifferent sea-ports, I have, at present, a full cargo of 'hummingstuff' taken in and duly paid for at the sign of the 'Jolly Tar.' Youwill, therefore, please your majesty, be so good as to take the willfor the deed -- for by no manner of means either can I or will Iswallow another drop -- least of all a drop of that villainousbilge-water that answers to the hall of 'Black Strap.'""Belay that!" interrupted Tarpaulin, astonished not more at thelength of his companion's speech than at the nature of his refusal --"Belay that you tubber! -- and I say, Legs, none of your palaver! Myhull is still light, although I confess you yourself seem to be alittle top-heavy; and as for the matter of your share of the cargo,why rather than raise a squall I would find stowageroom for itmyself, but" --"This proceeding," interposed the president, "is by no means inaccordance with the terms of the mulct or sentence, which is in itsnature Median, and not to be altered or recalled. The conditions wehave imposed must be fulfilled to the letter, and that without amoment's hesitation -- in failure of which fulfilment we decree thatyou do here be tied neck and heels together, and duly drowned asrebels in yon hogshead of October beer!""A sentence! -- a sentence! -- a righteous and just sentence! -- aglorious decree! -- a most worthy and upright, and holycondemnation!" shouted the Pest family altogether. The king elevatedhis forehead into innumerable wrinkles; the gouty little old manpuffed like a pair of bellows; the lady of the winding sheet wavedher nose to and fro; the gentleman in the cotton drawers pricked uphis ears; she of the shroud gasped like a dying fish; and he of thecoffin looked stiff and rolled up his eyes."Ugh! ugh! ugh!" chuckled Tarpaulin without heeding the generalexcitation, "ugh! ugh! ugh! -- ugh! ugh! ugh! -- ugh! ugh! ugh! -- Iwas saying," said he, "I was saying when Mr. King Pest poked in hismarlin-spike, that as for the matter of two or three gallons more orless of Black Strap, it was a trifle to a tight sea-boat like myselfnot overstowed -- but when it comes to drinking the health of theDevil (whom God assoilzie) and going down upon my marrow bones to hisill-favored majesty there, whom I know, as well as I know myself tobe a sinner, to be nobody in the whole world, but Tim Hurlygurly thestage-player -- why! it's quite another guess sort of a thing, andutterly and altogether past my comprehension."He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity. At the nameTim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name seats."Treason!" shouted his Majesty King Pest the First."Treason!" said the little man with the gout."Treason!" screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest."Treason!" muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up."Treason!" growled he of the coffin."Treason! treason!" shrieked her majesty of the mouth; and, seizingby the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin, who hadjust commenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur, she liftedhim high into the air, and let him fall without ceremony into thehuge open puncheon of his beloved ale. Bobbing up and down, for a fewseconds, like an apple in a bowl of toddy, he, at length, finallydisappeared amid the whirlpool of foam which, in the alreadyeffervescent liquor, his struggles easily succeeded in creating.Not tamely, however, did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture ofhis companion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the valiantLegs slammed the door down upon him with an oath, and strode towardsthe centre of the room. Here tearing down the skeleton which swungover the table, he laid it about him with so much energy and goodwill, that, as the last glimpses of light died away within theapartment, he succeeded in knocking out the brains of the littlegentleman with the gout. Rushing then with all his force against thefatal hogshead full of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin, he rolled itover and over in an instant. Out burst a deluge of liquor so fierce-- so impetuous -- so overwhelming -- that the room was flooded fromwall to wall -- the loaded table was overturned -- the tressels werethrown upon their backs -- the tub of punch into the fire-place --and the ladies into hysterics. Piles of death-furniture flounderedabout. Jugs, pitchers, and carboys mingled promiscuously in themelee, and wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles ofjunk. The man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot-the littlestiff gentleman floated off in his coffin -- and the victorious Legs,seizing by the waist the fat lady in the shroud, rushed out with herinto the street, and made a bee-line for the "Free and Easy,"followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh Tarpaulin, who,having sneezed three or four times, panted and puffed after him withthe Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.
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