My Uncle Sosthenes
Some people are Freethinkers from sheer stupidity. My Uncle Sostheneswas one of these. Some people are often religious for the same reason.The very sight of a priest threw my uncle into a violent rage. He wouldshake his fist and make grimaces at him, and would then touch a piece ofiron when the priest's back was turned, forgetting that the latter actionshowed a belief after all, the belief in the evil eye. Now, when beliefsare unreasonable, one should have all or none at all. I myself am aFreethinker; I revolt at all dogmas, but feel no anger toward places ofworship, be they Catholic, Apostolic, Roman, Protestant, Greek, Russian,Buddhist, Jewish, or Mohammedan.My uncle was a Freemason, and I used to declare that they are stupiderthan old women devotees. That is my opinion, and I maintain it; if wemust have any religion at all, the old one is good enough for me.What is their object? Mutual help to be obtained by tickling the palmsof each other's hands. I see no harm in it, for they put into practicethe Christian precept: "Do unto others as ye would they should do untoyou." The only difference consists in the tickling, but it does not seemworth while to make such a fuss about lending a poor devil half a crown.To all my arguments my uncle's reply used to be:"We are raising up a religion against a religion; Free Thought will killclericalism. Freemasonry is the stronghold, of those who are demolishingall deities.""Very well, my dear uncle," I would reply--in my heart I felt inclined tosay, "You old idiot! it is just that which I am blaming you for. Insteadof destroying, you are organizing competition; it is only a case oflowering prices. And then, if you admitted only Freethinkers among you,I could understand it, but you admit anybody. You have a number ofCatholics among you, even the leaders of the party. Pius IX is said tohave been one of you before he became pope. If you call a society withsuch an organization a bulwark against clericalism, I think it is anextremely weak one.""My dear boy," my uncle would reply, with a wink, "we are most to bedreaded in politics; slowly and surely we are everywhere undermining themonarchical spirit."Then I broke out: "Yes, you are very clever! If you tell me thatFreemasonry is an election machine, I will grant it. I will never denythat it is used as a machine to control candidates of all shades; if yousay that it is only used to hoodwink people, to drill them to go to thepolls as soldiers are sent under fire, I agree with you; if you declarethat it is indispensable to all political ambitions because it changesall its members into electoral agents, I should say to you: 'That is asclear as the sun.' But when you tell me that it serves to undermine themonarchical spirit, I can only laugh in your face."Just consider that gigantic and secret democratic association which hadPrince Napoleon for its grand master under the Empire; which has theCrown Prince for its grand master in Germany, the Czar's brother inRussia, and to which the Prince of Wales and King Humbert, and nearly allthe crowned heads of the globe belong.""You are quite right," my uncle said; "but all these persons are servingour projects without guessing it."I felt inclined to tell him he was talking a pack of nonsense.It was, however, indeed a sight to see my uncle when he had a Freemasonto dinner.On meeting they shook hands in a manner that was irresistibly funny; onecould see that they were going through a series of secret, mysterioussigns.Then my uncle would take his friend into a corner to tell him somethingimportant, and at dinner they had a peculiar way of looking at eachother, and of drinking to each other, in a manner as if to say: "We knowall about it, don't we?"And to think that there are millions on the face of the globe who areamused at such monkey tricks! I would sooner be a Jesuit.Now, in our town there really was an old Jesuit who was my uncle'sdetestation. Every time he met him, or if he only saw him at a distance,he used to say: "Get away, you toad." And then, taking my arm, he wouldwhisper to me:"See here, that fellow will play me a trick some day or other, I feelsure of it."My uncle spoke quite truly, and this was how it happened, and through myfault.It was close on Holy Week, and my uncle made up his mind to give a dinneron Good Friday, a real dinner, with his favorite chitterlings and blackpuddings. I resisted as much as I could, and said:"I shall eat meat on that day, but at home, quite by myself. Yourmanifestation, as you call it, is an idiotic idea. Why should youmanifest? What does it matter to you if people do not eat any meat?"But my uncle would not be persuaded. He asked three of his friends todine with him at one of the best restaurants in the town, and as he wasgoing to pay the bill I had certainly, after all, no scruples aboutmanifesting.At four o'clock we took a conspicuous place in the most frequentedrestaurant in the town, and my uncle ordered dinner in a loud voice forsix o'clock.We sat down punctually, and at ten o'clock we had not yet finished. Fiveof us had drunk eighteen bottles of choice, still wine and four ofchampagne. Then my uncle proposed what he was in the habit of calling"the archbishop's circuit." Each man put six small glasses in front ofhim, each of them filled with a different liqueur, and they had all to beemptied at one gulp, one after another, while one of the waiters countedtwenty. It was very stupid, but my uncle thought it was very suitable tothe occasion.At eleven o'clock he was as drunk as a fly. So we had to take him homein a cab and put him to bed, and one could easily foresee that his anti-clerical demonstration would end in a terrible fit of indigestion.As I was going back to my lodgings, being rather drunk myself, with acheerful drunkenness, a Machiavellian idea struck me which satisfied allmy sceptical instincts.I arranged my necktie, put on a look of great distress, and went and,rang loudly at the old Jesuit's door. As he was deaf he made me wait alongish while, but at length appeared at his window in a cotton nightcapand asked what I wanted.I shouted out at the top of my voice:"Make haste, reverend sir, and open the door; a poor, despairing, sickman is in need of your spiritual ministrations."The good, kind man put on his trousers as quickly as he could, and camedown without his cassock. I told him in a breathless voice that myuncle, the Freethinker, had been taken suddenly ill, and fearing it wasgoing to be something serious, he had been seized with a sudden dread ofdeath, and wished to see the priest and talk to him; to have his adviceand comfort, to make his peace with the Church, and to confess, so as tobe able to cross the dreaded threshold at peace with himself; and I addedin a mocking tone:"At any rate, he wishes it, and if it does him no good it can do him noharm."The old Jesuit, who was startled, delighted, and almost trembling, saidto me:"Wait a moment, my son; I will come with you." But I replied: "Pardonme, reverend father, if I do not go with you; but my convictions will notallow me to do so. I even refused to come and fetch you, so I beg younot to say that you have seen me, but to declare that you had apresentiment--a sort of revelation of his illness.The priest consented and went off quickly; knocked at my uncle's door,and was soon let in; and I saw the black cassock disappear within thatstronghold of Free Thought.I hid under a neighboring gateway to wait results. Had he been well, myuncle would have half-murdered the Jesuit, but I knew that he wouldscarcely be able to move an arm, and I asked myself gleefully what sortof a scene would take place between these antagonists, what disputes,what arguments, what a hubbub, and what would be the issue of thesituation, which my uncle's indignation would render still more tragic?I laughed till my sides ached, and said half aloud: "Oh, what a joke,what a joke!"Meanwhile it was getting very cold, and I noticed that the Jesuit stayeda long time, and I thought: "They are having an argument, I suppose."One, two, three hours passed, and still the reverend father did not comeout. What had happened? Had my uncle died in a fit when he saw him, orhad he killed the cassocked gentleman? Perhaps they had mutuallydevoured each other? This last supposition appeared very unlikely, for Ifancied that my uncle was quite incapable of swallowing a grain morenourishment at that moment.At last the day broke.I was very uneasy, and, not venturing to go into the house myself, wentto one of my friends who lived opposite. I woke him up, explainedmatters to him, much to his amusement and astonishment, and tookpossession of his window.At nine o'clock he relieved me, and I got a little sleep. At two o'clockI, in my turn, replaced him. We were utterly astonished.At six o'clock the Jesuit left, with a very happy and satisfied look onhis face, and we saw him go away with a quiet step.Then, timid and ashamed, I went and knocked at the door of my uncle'shouse; and when the servant opened it I did not dare to ask her anyquestions, but went upstairs without saying a word.My uncle was lying, pale and exhausted, with weary, sorrowful eyes andheavy arms, on his bed. A little religious picture was fastened to oneof the bed curtains with a pin."Why, uncle," I said, "in bed still? Are you not well?"He replied in a feeble voice:"Oh, my dear boy, I have been very ill, nearly dead.""How was that, uncle?""I don't know; it was most surprising. But what is stranger still isthat the Jesuit priest who has just left--you know, that excellent manwhom I have made such fun of--had a divine revelation of my state, andcame to see me."I was seized with an almost uncontrollable desire to laugh, and withdifficulty said: "Oh, really!""Yes, he came. He heard a voice telling him to get up and come to me,because I was going to die. I was a revelation."I pretended to sneeze, so as not to burst out laughing; I felt inclinedto roll on the ground with amusement.In about a minute I managed to say indignantly:"And you received him, uncle? You, a Freethinker, a Freemason? You didnot have him thrown out of doors?"He seemed confused, and stammered:"Listen a moment, it is so astonishing--so astonishing and providential!He also spoke to me about my father; it seems he knew him formerly.""Your father, uncle? But that is no reason for receiving a Jesuit.""I know that, but I was very ill, and he looked after me most devotedlyall night long. He was perfect; no doubt he saved my life; those men allknow a little of medicine.""Oh! he looked after you all night? But you said just now that he hadonly been gone a very short time.""That is quite true; I kept him to breakfast after all his kindness. Hehad it at a table by my bedside while I drank a cup of tea.""And he ate meat?"My uncle looked vexed, as if I had said something very uncalled for, andthen added:"Don't joke, Gaston; such things are out of place at times. He has shownme more devotion than many a relation would have done, and I expect tohave his convictions respected."This rather upset me, but I answered, nevertheless: "Very well, uncle;and what did you do after breakfast?""We played a game of bezique, and then he repeated his breviary while Iread a little book which he happened to have in his pocket, and which wasnot by any means badly written.""A religious book, uncle?""Yes, and no, or, rather--no. It is the history of their missions inCentral Africa, and is rather a book of travels and adventures. Whatthese men have done is very grand."I began to feel that matters were going badly, so I got up. "Well, good-by, uncle," I said, "I see you are going to give up Freemasonry forreligion; you are a renegade."He was still rather confused, and stammered:"Well, but religion is a sort of Freemasonry.""When is your Jesuit coming back?" I asked."I don't--I don't know exactly; to-morrow, perhaps; but it is notcertain."I went out, altogether overwhelmed.My joke turned out very badly for me! My uncle became thoroughlyconverted, and if that had been all I should not have cared so much.Clerical or Freemason, to me it is all the same; six of one and half adozen of the other; but the worst of it is that he has just made hiswill--yes, made his will--and he has disinherited me in favor of thatrascally Jesuit!
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