Chapter 57

by Charles Dickens

　　How Ralph Nickleby's Auxiliary went about his Work, and how heprospered with itIt was a dark, wet, gloomy night in autumn, when in an upper room ofa mean house situated in an obscure street, or rather court, nearLambeth, there sat, all alone, a one-eyed man grotesquely habited,either for lack of better garments or for purposes of disguise, in aloose greatcoat, with arms half as long again as his own, and acapacity of breadth and length which would have admitted of hiswinding himself in it, head and all, with the utmost ease, andwithout any risk of straining the old and greasy material of whichit was composed.So attired, and in a place so far removed from his usual haunts andoccupations, and so very poor and wretched in its character, perhapsMrs Squeers herself would have had some difficulty in recognisingher lord: quickened though her natural sagacity doubtless would havebeen by the affectionate yearnings and impulses of a tender wife.But Mrs Squeers's lord it was; and in a tolerably disconsolate moodMrs Squeers's lord appeared to be, as, helping himself from a blackbottle which stood on the table beside him, he cast round thechamber a look, in which very slight regard for the objects withinview was plainly mingled with some regretful and impatientrecollection of distant scenes and persons.There were, certainly, no particular attractions, either in the roomover which the glance of Mr Squeers so discontentedly wandered, orin the narrow street into which it might have penetrated, if he hadthought fit to approach the window. The attic chamber in which hesat was bare and mean; the bedstead, and such few other articles ofnecessary furniture as it contained, were of the commonestdescription, in a most crazy state, and of a most uninvitingappearance. The street was muddy, dirty, and deserted. Having butone outlet, it was traversed by few but the inhabitants at any time;and the night being one of those on which most people are glad to bewithin doors, it now presented no other signs of life than the dullglimmering of poor candles from the dirty windows, and few soundsbut the pattering of the rain, and occasionally the heavy closing ofsome creaking door.Mr Squeers continued to look disconsolately about him, and to listento these noises in profound silence, broken only by the rustling ofhis large coat, as he now and then moved his arm to raise his glassto his lips. Mr Squeers continued to do this for some time, untilthe increasing gloom warned him to snuff the candle. Seeming to beslightly roused by this exertion, he raised his eye to the ceiling,and fixing it upon some uncouth and fantastic figures, traced uponit by the wet and damp which had penetrated through the roof, brokeinto the following soliloquy:'Well, this is a pretty go, is this here! An uncommon pretty go!Here have I been, a matter of how many weeks--hard upon six--afollering up this here blessed old dowager petty larcenerer,'--MrSqueers delivered himself of this epithet with great difficulty andeffort,--'and Dotheboys Hall a-running itself regularly to seed thewhile! That's the worst of ever being in with a owdacious chap likethat old Nickleby. You never know when he's done with you, and ifyou're in for a penny, you're in for a pound.'This remark, perhaps, reminded Mr Squeers that he was in for ahundred pound at any rate. His countenance relaxed, and he raisedhis glass to his mouth with an air of greater enjoyment of itscontents than he had before evinced.'I never see,' soliloquised Mr Squeers in continuation, 'I never seenor come across such a file as that old Nickleby. Never! He's outof everybody's depth, he is. He's what you may call a rasper, isNickleby. To see how sly and cunning he grubbed on, day after day,a-worming and plodding and tracing and turning and twining ofhisself about, till he found out where this precious Mrs Peg washid, and cleared the ground for me to work upon. Creeping andcrawling and gliding, like a ugly, old, bright-eyed, stagnation-blooded adder! Ah! He'd have made a good 'un in our line, but itwould have been too limited for him; his genius would have bustedall bonds, and coming over every obstacle, broke down all before it,till it erected itself into a monneyment of--Well, I'll think of therest, and say it when conwenient.'Making a halt in his reflections at this place, Mr Squeers again puthis glass to his lips, and drawing a dirty letter from his pocket,proceeded to con over its contents with the air of a man who hadread it very often, and now refreshed his memory rather in theabsence of better amusement than for any specific information.'The pigs is well,' said Mr Squeers, 'the cows is well, and the boysis bobbish. Young Sprouter has been a-winking, has he? I'll winkhim when I get back. "Cobbey would persist in sniffing while he wasa-eating his dinner, and said that the beef was so strong it madehim."--Very good, Cobbey, we'll see if we can't make you sniff alittle without beef. "Pitcher was took with another fever,"--ofcourse he was--"and being fetched by his friends, died the day afterhe got home,"--of course he did, and out of aggravation; it's partof a deep-laid system. There an't another chap in the school butthat boy as would have died exactly at the end of the quarter:taking it out of me to the very last, and then carrying his spite tothe utmost extremity. "The juniorest Palmer said he wished he wasin Heaven." I really don't know, I do not know what's to be donewith that young fellow; he's always a-wishing something horrid. Hesaid once, he wished he was a donkey, because then he wouldn't havea father as didn't love him! Pretty wicious that for a child ofsix!'Mr Squeers was so much moved by the contemplation of this hardenednature in one so young, that he angrily put up the letter, andsought, in a new train of ideas, a subject of consolation.'It's a long time to have been a-lingering in London,' he said; 'andthis is a precious hole to come and live in, even if it has beenonly for a week or so. Still, one hundred pound is five boys, andfive boys takes a whole year to pay one hundred pounds, and there'stheir keep to be substracted, besides. There's nothing lost,neither, by one's being here; because the boys' money comes in justthe same as if I was at home, and Mrs Squeers she keeps them inorder. There'll be some lost time to make up, of course. There'llbe an arrear of flogging as'll have to be gone through: still, acouple of days makes that all right, and one don't mind a littleextra work for one hundred pound. It's pretty nigh the time to waitupon the old woman. From what she said last night, I suspect thatif I'm to succeed at all, I shall succeed tonight; so I'll have halfa glass more, to wish myself success, and put myself in spirits.Mrs Squeers, my dear, your health!'Leering with his one eye as if the lady to whom he drank had beenactually present, Mr Squeers--in his enthusiasm, no doubt--pouredout a full glass, and emptied it; and as the liquor was raw spirits,and he had applied himself to the same bottle more than oncealready, it is not surprising that he found himself, by this time,in an extremely cheerful state, and quite enough excited for hispurpose.What this purpose was soon appeared; for, after a few turns aboutthe room to steady himself, he took the bottle under his arm and theglass in his hand, and blowing out the candle as if he purposedbeing gone some time, stole out upon the staircase, and creepingsoftly to a door opposite his own, tapped gently at it.'But what's the use of tapping?' he said, 'She'll never hear. Isuppose she isn't doing anything very particular; and if she is, itdon't much matter, that I see.'With this brief preface, Mr Squeers applied his hand to the latch ofthe door, and thrusting his head into a garret far more deplorablethan that he had just left, and seeing that there was nobody therebut an old woman, who was bending over a wretched fire (for althoughthe weather was still warm, the evening was chilly), walked in, andtapped her on the shoulder.'Well, my Slider,' said Mr Squeers, jocularly.'Is that you?' inquired Peg.'Ah! it's me, and me's the first person singular, nominative case,agreeing with the verb "it's", and governed by Squeers understood,as a acorn, a hour; but when the h is sounded, the a only is to beused, as a and, a art, a ighway,' replied Mr Squeers, quoting atrandom from the grammar. 'At least, if it isn't, you don't know anybetter, and if it is, I've done it accidentally.'Delivering this reply in his accustomed tone of voice, in which ofcourse it was inaudible to Peg, Mr Squeers drew a stool to the fire,and placing himself over against her, and the bottle and glass onthe floor between them, roared out again, very loud,'Well, my Slider!''I hear you,' said Peg, receiving him very graciously.'I've come according to promise,' roared Squeers.'So they used to say in that part of the country I come from,'observed Peg, complacently, 'but I think oil's better.''Better than what?' roared Squeers, adding some rather stronglanguage in an undertone.'No,' said Peg, 'of course not.''I never saw such a monster as you are!' muttered Squeers, lookingas amiable as he possibly could the while; for Peg's eye was uponhim, and she was chuckling fearfully, as though in delight at havingmade a choice repartee, 'Do you see this? This is a bottle.''I see it,' answered Peg.'Well, and do you see this?' bawled Squeers. 'This is a glass.' Pegsaw that too.'See here, then,' said Squeers, accompanying his remarks withappropriate action, 'I fill the glass from the bottle, and I say"Your health, Slider," and empty it; then I rinse it genteelly witha little drop, which I'm forced to throw into the fire--hallo! weshall have the chimbley alight next--fill it again, and hand it overto you.''Your health,' said Peg.'She understands that, anyways,' muttered Squeers, watching MrsSliderskew as she dispatched her portion, and choked and gasped in amost awful manner after so doing. 'Now then, let's have a talk.How's the rheumatics?'Mrs Sliderskew, with much blinking and chuckling, and with looksexpressive of her strong admiration of Mr Squeers, his person,manners, and conversation, replied that the rheumatics were better.'What's the reason,' said Mr Squeers, deriving fresh facetiousnessfrom the bottle; 'what's the reason of rheumatics? What do theymean? What do people have'em for--eh?'Mrs Sliderskew didn't know, but suggested that it was possiblybecause they couldn't help it.'Measles, rheumatics, hooping-cough, fevers, agers, and lumbagers,'said Mr Squeers, 'is all philosophy together; that's what it is.The heavenly bodies is philosophy, and the earthly bodies isphilosophy. If there's a screw loose in a heavenly body, that'sphilosophy; and if there's screw loose in a earthly body, that'sphilosophy too; or it may be that sometimes there's a littlemetaphysics in it, but that's not often. Philosophy's the chap forme. If a parent asks a question in the classical, commercial, ormathematical line, says I, gravely, "Why, sir, in the first place,are you a philosopher?"--"No, Mr Squeers," he says, "I an't." "Then,sir," says I, "I am sorry for you, for I shan't be able to explainit." Naturally, the parent goes away and wishes he was aphilosopher, and, equally naturally, thinks I'm one.'Saying this, and a great deal more, with tipsy profundity and aserio-comic air, and keeping his eye all the time on Mrs Sliderskew,who was unable to hear one word, Mr Squeers concluded by helpinghimself and passing the bottle: to which Peg did becoming reverence.'That's the time of day!' said Mr Squeers. 'You look twenty poundten better than you did.'Again Mrs Sliderskew chuckled, but modesty forbade her assentingverbally to the compliment.'Twenty pound ten better,' repeated Mr Squeers, 'than you did thatday when I first introduced myself. Don't you know?''Ah!' said Peg, shaking her head, 'but you frightened me that day.''Did I?' said Squeers; 'well, it was rather a startling thing for astranger to come and recommend himself by saying that he knew allabout you, and what your name was, and why you were living so quiethere, and what you had boned, and who you boned it from, wasn't it?'Peg nodded her head in strong assent.'But I know everything that happens in that way, you see,' continuedSqueers. 'Nothing takes place, of that kind, that I an't up toentirely. I'm a sort of a lawyer, Slider, of first-rate standing,and understanding too; I'm the intimate friend and confidentialadwiser of pretty nigh every man, woman, and child that getsthemselves into difficulties by being too nimble with their fingers,I'm--'Mr Squeers's catalogue of his own merits and accomplishments, whichwas partly the result of a concerted plan between himself and RalphNickleby, and flowed, in part, from the black bottle, was hereinterrupted by Mrs Sliderskew.'Ha, ha, ha!' she cried, folding her arms and wagging her head; 'andso he wasn't married after all, wasn't he. Not married after all?''No,' replied Squeers, 'that he wasn't!''And a young lover come and carried off the bride, eh?' said Peg.'From under his very nose,' replied Squeers; 'and I'm told the youngchap cut up rough besides, and broke the winders, and forced him toswaller his wedding favour which nearly choked him.''Tell me all about it again,' cried Peg, with a malicious relish ofher old master's defeat, which made her natural hideousnesssomething quite fearful; 'let's hear it all again, beginning at thebeginning now, as if you'd never told me. Let's have it every word--now--now--beginning at the very first, you know, when he went tothe house that morning!'Mr Squeers, plying Mrs Sliderskew freely with the liquor, andsustaining himself under the exertion of speaking so loud byfrequent applications to it himself, complied with this request bydescribing the discomfiture of Arthur Gride, with such improvementson the truth as happened to occur to him, and the ingeniousinvention and application of which had been very instrumental inrecommending him to her notice in the beginning of theiracquaintance. Mrs Sliderskew was in an ecstasy of delight, rollingher head about, drawing up her skinny shoulders, and wrinkling hercadaverous face into so many and such complicated forms of ugliness,as awakened the unbounded astonishment and disgust even of MrSqueers.'He's a treacherous old goat,' said Peg, 'and cozened me withcunning tricks and lying promises, but never mind. I'm even withhim. I'm even with him.''More than even, Slider,' returned Squeers; 'you'd have been evenwith him if he'd got married; but with the disappointment besides,you're a long way ahead. Out of sight, Slider, quite out of sight.And that reminds me,' he added, handing her the glass, 'if you wantme to give you my opinion of them deeds, and tell you what you'dbetter keep and what you'd better burn, why, now's your time,Slider.''There an't no hurry for that,' said Peg, with several knowing looksand winks.'Oh! very well!' observed Squeers, 'it don't matter to me; you askedme, you know. I shouldn't charge you nothing, being a friend.You're the best judge of course. But you're a bold woman, Slider.''How do you mean, bold?' said Peg.'Why, I only mean that if it was me, I wouldn't keep papers as mighthang me, littering about when they might be turned into money--themas wasn't useful made away with, and them as was, laid bysomewheres, safe; that's all,' returned Squeers; 'but everybody'sthe best judge of their own affairs. All I say is, Slider, Iwouldn't do it.''Come,' said Peg, 'then you shall see 'em.''I don't want to see 'em,' replied Squeers, affecting to be out ofhumour; 'don't talk as if it was a treat. Show 'em to somebodyelse, and take their advice.'Mr Squeers would, very likely, have carried on the farce of beingoffended a little longer, if Mrs Sliderskew, in her anxiety torestore herself to her former high position in his good graces, hadnot become so extremely affectionate that he stood at some risk ofbeing smothered by her caresses. Repressing, with as good a graceas possible, these little familiarities--for which, there is reasonto believe, the black bottle was at least as much to blame as anyconstitutional infirmity on the part of Mrs Sliderskew--he protestedthat he had only been joking: and, in proof of his unimpaired good-humour, that he was ready to examine the deeds at once, if, by sodoing, he could afford any satisfaction or relief of mind to hisfair friend.'And now you're up, my Slider,' bawled Squeers, as she rose to fetchthem, 'bolt the door.'Peg trotted to the door, and after fumbling at the bolt, crept tothe other end of the room, and from beneath the coals which filledthe bottom of the cupboard, drew forth a small deal box. Havingplaced this on the floor at Squeers's feet, she brought, from underthe pillow of her bed, a small key, with which she signed to thatgentleman to open it. Mr Squeers, who had eagerly followed herevery motion, lost no time in obeying this hint: and, throwing backthe lid, gazed with rapture on the documents which lay within.'Now you see,' said Peg, kneeling down on the floor beside him, andstaying his impatient hand; 'what's of no use we'll burn; what wecan get any money by, we'll keep; and if there's any we could gethim into trouble by, and fret and waste away his heart to shreds,those we'll take particular care of; for that's what I want to do,and what I hoped to do when I left him.''I thought,' said Squeers, 'that you didn't bear him any particulargood-will. But, I say, why didn't you take some money besides?''Some what?' asked Peg.'Some money,' roared Squeers. 'I do believe the woman hears me, andwants to make me break a wessel, so that she may have the pleasureof nursing me. Some money, Slider, money!''Why, what a man you are to ask!' cried Peg, with some contempt.'If I had taken money from Arthur Gride, he'd have scoured the wholeearth to find me--aye, and he'd have smelt it out, and raked it up,somehow, if I had buried it at the bottom of the deepest well inEngland. No, no! I knew better than that. I took what I thoughthis secrets were hid in: and them he couldn't afford to make public,let'em be worth ever so much money. He's an old dog; a sly, old,cunning, thankless dog! He first starved, and then tricked me; andif I could I'd kill him.''All right, and very laudable,' said Squeers. 'But, first andforemost, Slider, burn the box. You should never keep things as maylead to discovery. Always mind that. So while you pull it to pieces(which you can easily do, for it's very old and rickety) and burn itin little bits, I'll look over the papers and tell you what theyare.'Peg, expressing her acquiescence in this arrangement, Mr Squeersturned the box bottom upwards, and tumbling the contents upon thefloor, handed it to her; the destruction of the box being anextemporary device for engaging her attention, in case it shouldprove desirable to distract it from his own proceedings.'There!' said Squeers; 'you poke the pieces between the bars, andmake up a good fire, and I'll read the while. Let me see, let mesee.' And taking the candle down beside him, Mr Squeers, with greateagerness and a cunning grin overspreading his face, entered uponhis task of examination.If the old woman had not been very deaf, she must have heard, whenshe last went to the door, the breathing of two persons close behindit: and if those two persons had been unacquainted with herinfirmity, they must probably have chosen that moment either forpresenting themselves or taking to flight. But, knowing with whomthey had to deal, they remained quite still, and now, not onlyappeared unobserved at the door--which was not bolted, for the bolthad no hasp--but warily, and with noiseless footsteps, advanced intothe room.As they stole farther and farther in by slight and scarcelyperceptible degrees, and with such caution that they scarcely seemedto breathe, the old hag and Squeers little dreaming of any suchinvasion, and utterly unconscious of there being any soul near butthemselves, were busily occupied with their tasks. The old woman,with her wrinkled face close to the bars of the stove, puffing atthe dull embers which had not yet caught the wood; Squeers stoopingdown to the candle, which brought out the full ugliness of his face,as the light of the fire did that of his companion; both intentlyengaged, and wearing faces of exultation which contrasted stronglywith the anxious looks of those behind, who took advantage of theslightest sound to cover their advance, and, almost before they hadmoved an inch, and all was silent, stopped again. This, with thelarge bare room, damp walls, and flickering doubtful light, combinedto form a scene which the most careless and indifferent spectator(could any have been present) could scarcely have failed to derivesome interest from, and would not readily have forgotten.Of the stealthy comers, Frank Cheeryble was one, and Newman Noggsthe other. Newman had caught up, by the rusty nozzle, an old pairof bellows, which were just undergoing a flourish in the airpreparatory to a descent upon the head of Mr Squeers, when Frank,with an earnest gesture, stayed his arm, and, taking another step inadvance, came so close behind the schoolmaster that, by leaningslightly forward, he could plainly distinguish the writing which heheld up to his eye.Mr Squeers, not being remarkably erudite, appeared to beconsiderably puzzled by this first prize, which was in an engrossinghand, and not very legible except to a practised eye. Having triedit by reading from left to right, and from right to left, andfinding it equally clear both ways, he turned it upside down with nobetter success.'Ha, ha, ha!' chuckled Peg, who, on her knees before the fire, wasfeeding it with fragments of the box, and grinning in most devilishexultation. 'What's that writing about, eh?''Nothing particular,' replied Squeers, tossing it towards her.'It's only an old lease, as well as I can make out. Throw it in thefire.'Mrs Sliderskew complied, and inquired what the next one was.'This,' said Squeers, 'is a bundle of overdue acceptances andrenewed bills of six or eight young gentlemen, but they're all MPs,so it's of no use to anybody. Throw it in the fire!' Peg did as shewas bidden, and waited for the next.'This,' said Squeers, 'seems to be some deed of sale of the right ofpresentation to the rectory of Purechurch, in the valley of Cashup.Take care of that, Slider, literally for God's sake. It'll fetchits price at the Auction Mart.''What's the next?' inquired Peg.'Why, this,' said Squeers, 'seems, from the two letters that's withit, to be a bond from a curate down in the country, to pay half ayear's wages of forty pound for borrowing twenty. Take care ofthat, for if he don't pay it, his bishop will very soon be down uponhim. We know what the camel and the needle's eye means; no man ascan't live upon his income, whatever it is, must expect to go toheaven at any price. It's very odd; I don't see anything like ityet.''What's the matter?' said Peg.'Nothing,' replied Squeers, 'only I'm looking for--'Newman raised the bellows again. Once more, Frank, by a rapidmotion of his arm, unaccompanied by any noise, checked him in hispurpose.'Here you are,' said Squeers, 'bonds--take care of them. Warrant ofattorney--take care of that. Two cognovits--take care of them.Lease and release--burn that. Ah! "Madeline Bray--come of age ormarry--the said Madeline"--here, burn that!'Eagerly throwing towards the old woman a parchment that he caught upfor the purpose, Squeers, as she turned her head, thrust into thebreast of his large coat, the deed in which these words had caughthis eye, and burst into a shout of triumph.'I've got it!' said Squeers. 'I've got it! Hurrah! The plan was agood one, though the chance was desperate, and the day's our own atlast!'Peg demanded what he laughed at, but no answer was returned.Newman's arm could no longer be restrained; the bellows, descendingheavily and with unerring aim on the very centre of Mr Squeers'shead, felled him to the floor, and stretched him on it flat andsenseless.