Book Four: Chapter XVIII

by Sherwood Anderson

　　Jim Priest was very drunk, but insisted on hitching a team to theButterworth carriage and driving it loaded with guests to town. Every onelaughed at him, but he drove up to the farmhouse door and in a loud voicedeclared he knew what he was doing. Three men got into the carriage andbeating the horses furiously Jim sent them galloping away.

　　When an opportunity offered, Clara went silently out of the hot dining-roomand through a door to a porch at the back of the house. The kitchen doorwas open and the waitresses and cooks from town were preparing to depart.One of the young women came out into the darkness accompanied by a man,evidently one of the guests. They had both been drinking and stood for amoment in the darkness with their bodies pressed together. "I wish it wereour wedding night," the man's voice whispered, and the woman laughed. Aftera long kiss they went back into the kitchen.

　　A farm dog appeared and going up to Clara licked her hand. She went aroundthe house and stood back of a bush in the darkness near where the carriageswere being loaded. Her father with Steve Hunter and his wife came and gotinto a carriage. Tom was in an expansive, generous mood. "You know, Steve,I told you and several others my Clara was engaged to Alfred Buckley," hesaid. "Well, I was mistaken. The whole thing was a lie. The truth is I shotoff my mouth without talking to Clara. I had seen them together and now andthen Buckley used to come out here to the house in the evening, although henever came except when I was here. He told me Clara had promised to marryhim, and like a fool I took his word. I never even asked. That's the kindof a fool I was and I was a bigger fool to go telling the story. All thetime Clara and Hugh were engaged and I never suspected. They told me aboutit to-night."

　　Clara stood by the bush until she thought the last of the guests had gone.The lie her father had told seemed only a part of the evening's vulgarity.Near the kitchen door the waitresses, cooks and musicians were being loadedinto the bus that had been driven out from the Bidwell House. She went intothe dining-room. Sadness had taken the place of the anger in her, but whenshe saw Hugh the anger came back. Piles of dishes filled with food lay allabout the room and the air was heavy with the smell of food. Hugh stood bya window looking out into the dark farmyard. He held his hat in his hand."You might put your hat away," she said sharply. "Have you forgotten you'remarried to me and that you now live here in this house?" She laughednervously and walked to the kitchen door.

　　Her mind still clung to the past and to the days when she was a child andhad spent so many hours in the big, silent kitchen. Something was aboutto happen that would take her past away--destroy it, and the thoughtfrightened her. "I have not been very happy in this house but there havebeen certain moments, certain feelings I've had," she thought. Steppingthrough the doorway she stood for a moment in the kitchen with her backto the wall and with her eyes closed. Through her mind went a troop offigures, the stout determined figure of Kate Chanceller who had knownhow to love in silence; the wavering, hurrying figure of her mother; herfather as a young man coming in after a long drive to warm his handsby the kitchen fire; a strong, hard-faced woman from town who had onceworked for Tom as cook and who was reported to have been the mother of twoillegitimate children; and the figures of her childhood fancy walking overthe bridge toward her, clad in beautiful raiment.

　　Back of these figures were other figures, long forgotten but now sharplyremembered--farm girls who had come to work by the day; tramps who had beenfed at the kitchen door; young farm hands who suddenly disappeared from theroutine of the farm's life and were never seen again, a young man with ared bandana handkerchief about his neck who had thrown her a kiss as shestood with her face pressed against a window.

　　Once a high school girl from town had come to spend the night with Clara.After the evening meal the two girls walked into the kitchen and stood by awindow, looking out. Something had happened within them. Moved by a commonimpulse they went outside and walked for a long way under the stars alongthe silent country roads. They came to a field where men were burningbrush. Where there had been a forest there was now only a stump field andthe figures of the men carrying armloads of the dry branches of trees andthrowing them on the fire. The fire made a great splash of color in thegathering darkness and for some obscure reason both girls were deeply movedby the sight, sound, and perfume of the night. The figures of the menseemed to dance back and forth in the light. Instinctively Clara turned herface upward and looked at the stars. She was conscious of them and of theirbeauty and the wide sweeping beauty of night as she had never been before.A wind began to sing in the trees of a distant forest, dimly seen far awayacross fields. The sound was soft and insistent and crept into her soul. Inthe grass at her feet insects sang an accompaniment to the soft, distantmusic.

　　How vividly Clara now remembered that night! It came sharply back as shestood with closed eyes in the farm kitchen and waited for the consummationof the adventure on which she had set out. With it came other memories."How many fleeting dreams and half visions of beauty I have had!" shethought.

　　Everything in life that she had thought might in some way lead towardbeauty now seemed to Clara to lead to ugliness. "What a lot I've missed,"she muttered, and opening her eyes went back into the dining-room and spoketo Hugh, still standing and staring out into the darkness.

　　"Come," she said sharply, and led the way up a stairway. The two wentsilently up the stairs, leaving the lights burning brightly in the roomsbelow. They came to a door leading to a bedroom, and Clara opened it. "It'stime for a man and his wife to go to bed," she said in a low, husky voice.Hugh followed her into the room. He walked to a chair by a window andsitting down, took off his shoes and sat holding them in his hand. He didnot look at Clara but into the darkness outside the window. Clara let downher hair and began to unfasten her dress. She took off an outer dress andthrew it over a chair. Then she went to a drawer and pulling it out lookedfor a night dress. She became angry and threw several garments on thefloor. "Damn!" she said explosively, and went out of the room.

　　Hugh sprang to his feet. The wine he had drunk had not taken effect andSteve Hunter had been forced to go home disappointed. All the eveningsomething stronger than wine had been gripping him. Now he knew what itwas. All through the evening thoughts and desires had whirled through hisbrain. Now they were all gone. "I won't let her do it," he muttered, andrunning quickly to the door closed it softly. With the shoes still heldin his hand he crawled through a window. He had expected to leap into thedarkness, but by chance his stocking feet alighted on the roof of the farmkitchen that extended out from the rear of the house. He ran quickly downthe roof and jumped, alighting in a clump of bushes that tore longscratches on his cheeks.

　　For five minutes Hugh ran toward the town of Bidwell, then turned, andclimbing a fence, walked across a field. The shoes were still grippedtightly in his hand and the field was stony, but he did not notice and wasunconscious of pain from his bruised feet or from the torn places on hischeeks. Standing in the field he heard Jim Priest drive homeward along theroad.

　　"My bonny lies over the ocean, My bonny lies over the sea, My bonny lies over the ocean, O, bring back my bonny to me."sang the farm hand.

　　Hugh walked across several fields, and when he came to a small stream,sat down on the bank and put on his shoes. "I've had my chance and missedit," he thought bitterly. Several times he repeated the words. "I've hadmy chance and I've missed," he said again as he stopped by a fence thatseparated the fields in which he had been walking. At the words he stoppedand put his hand to his throat. A half-stifled sob broke from him. "I'vehad my chance and missed," he said again.