Chapter 18

by Herman Melville

　　INQUEST INTO THE TRUE CHARACTER OF THE HERB-DOCTOR."Sha'n't see that fellow again in a hurry," remarked an auburn-hairedgentleman, to his neighbor with a hook-nose. "Never knew an operator socompletely unmasked.""But do you think it the fair thing to unmask an operator that way?""Fair? It is right.""Supposing that at high 'change on the Paris Bourse, Asmodeus shouldlounge in, distributing hand-bills, revealing the true thoughts anddesigns of all the operators present--would that be the fair thing inAsmodeus? Or, as Hamlet says, were it 'to consider the thing toocuriously?'""We won't go into that. But since you admit the fellow to be aknave----""I don't admit it. Or, if I did, I take it back. Shouldn't wonder if,after all, he is no knave at all, or, but little of one. What can youprove against him?""I can prove that he makes dupes.""Many held in honor do the same; and many, not wholly knaves, do ittoo.""How about that last?""He is not wholly at heart a knave, I fancy, among whose dupes ishimself. Did you not see our quack friend apply to himself his ownquackery? A fanatic quack; essentially a fool, though effectively aknave."Bending over, and looking down between his knees on the floor, theauburn-haired gentleman meditatively scribbled there awhile with hiscane, then, glancing up, said:"I can't conceive how you, in anyway, can hold him a fool. How hetalked--so glib, so pat, so well.""A smart fool always talks well; takes a smart fool to be tonguey."In much the same strain the discussion continued--the hook-nosedgentleman talking at large and excellently, with a view of demonstratingthat a smart fool always talks just so. Ere long he talked to suchpurpose as almost to convince.Presently, back came the person of whom the auburn-haired gentleman hadpredicted that he would not return. Conspicuous in the door-way hestood, saying, in a clear voice, "Is the agent of the Seminole Widow andOrphan Asylum within here?"No one replied."Is there within here any agent or any member of any charitableinstitution whatever?"No one seemed competent to answer, or, no one thought it worth whileto."If there be within here any such person, I have in my hand two dollarsfor him."Some interest was manifested."I was called away so hurriedly, I forgot this part of my duty. With theproprietor of the Samaritan Pain Dissuader it is a rule, to devote, onthe spot, to some benevolent purpose, the half of the proceeds of sales.Eight bottles were disposed of among this company. Hence, fourhalf-dollars remain to charity. Who, as steward, takes the money?"One or two pair of feet moved upon the floor, as with a sort of itching;but nobody rose."Does diffidence prevail over duty? If, I say, there be any gentleman,or any lady, either, here present, who is in any connection with anycharitable institution whatever, let him or her come forward. He or shehappening to have at hand no certificate of such connection, makes nodifference. Not of a suspicious temper, thank God, I shall haveconfidence in whoever offers to take the money."A demure-looking woman, in a dress rather tawdry and rumpled, here drewher veil well down and rose; but, marking every eye upon her, thought itadvisable, upon the whole, to sit down again."Is it to be believed that, in this Christian company, there is no onecharitable person? I mean, no one connected with any charity? Well,then, is there no object of charity here?"Upon this, an unhappy-looking woman, in a sort of mourning, neat, butsadly worn, hid her face behind a meagre bundle, and was heard to sob.Meantime, as not seeing or hearing her, the herb-doctor again spoke, andthis time not unpathetically:"Are there none here who feel in need of help, and who, in acceptingsuch help, would feel that they, in their time, have given or done morethan may ever be given or done to them? Man or woman, is there none suchhere?"The sobs of the woman were more audible, though she strove to repressthem. While nearly every one's attention was bent upon her, a man of theappearance of a day-laborer, with a white bandage across his face,concealing the side of the nose, and who, for coolness' sake, had beensitting in his red-flannel shirt-sleeves, his coat thrown across oneshoulder, the darned cuffs drooping behind--this man shufflingly rose,and, with a pace that seemed the lingering memento of the lock-step ofconvicts, went up for a duly-qualified claimant."Poor wounded huzzar!" sighed the herb-doctor, and dropping the moneyinto the man's clam-shell of a hand turned and departed.The recipient of the alms was about moving after, when the auburn-hairedgentleman staid him: "Don't be frightened, you; but I want to see thosecoins. Yes, yes; good silver, good silver. There, take them again, andwhile you are about it, go bandage the rest of yourself behindsomething. D'ye hear? Consider yourself, wholly, the scar of a nose, andbe off with yourself."Being of a forgiving nature, or else from emotion not daring to trusthis voice, the man silently, but not without some precipitancy,withdrew."Strange," said the auburn-haired gentleman, returning to his friend,"the money was good money.""Aye, and where your fine knavery now? Knavery to devote the half ofone's receipts to charity? He's a fool I say again.""Others might call him an original genius.""Yes, being original in his folly. Genius? His genius is a cracked pate,and, as this age goes, not much originality about that.""May he not be knave, fool, and genius altogether?""I beg pardon," here said a third person with a gossiping expression whohad been listening, "but you are somewhat puzzled by this man, and wellyou may be.""Do you know anything about him?" asked the hooked-nosed gentleman."No, but I suspect him for something.""Suspicion. We want knowledge.""Well, suspect first and know next. True knowledge comes but bysuspicion or revelation. That's my maxim.""And yet," said the auburn-haired gentleman, "since a wise man will keepeven some certainties to himself, much more some suspicions, at least hewill at all events so do till they ripen into knowledge.""Do you hear that about the wise man?" said the hook-nosed gentleman,turning upon the new comer. "Now what is it you suspect of this fellow?""I shrewdly suspect him," was the eager response, "for one of thoseJesuit emissaries prowling all over our country. The better toaccomplish their secret designs, they assume, at times, I am told, themost singular masques; sometimes, in appearance, the absurdest."This, though indeed for some reason causing a droll smile upon the faceof the hook-nosed gentleman, added a third angle to the discussion,which now became a sort of triangular duel, and ended, at last, with buta triangular result.