Chapter 22

by Herman Melville

　　IN THE POLITE SPIRIT OF THE TUSCULAN DISPUTATIONS."'Philosophical Intelligence Office'--novel idea! But how did you cometo dream that I wanted anything in your absurd line, eh?"About twenty minutes after leaving Cape Girdeau, the above was growledout over his shoulder by the Missourian to a chance stranger who hadjust accosted him; a round-backed, baker-kneed man, in a meanfive-dollar suit, wearing, collar-wise by a chain, a small brass plate,inscribed P. I. O., and who, with a sort of canine deprecation, slunkobliquely behind."How did you come to dream that I wanted anything in your line, eh?""Oh, respected sir," whined the other, crouching a pace nearer, and, inhis obsequiousness, seeming to wag his very coat-tails behind him,shabby though they were, "oh, sir, from long experience, one glancetells me the gentleman who is in need of our humble services.""But suppose I did want a boy--what they jocosely call a good boy--howcould your absurd office help me?--Philosophical Intelligence Office?""Yes, respected sir, an office founded on strictly philosophical andphysio----""Look you--come up here--how, by philosophy or physiology either, makegood boys to order? Come up here. Don't give me a crick in the neck.Come up here, come, sir, come," calling as if to his pointer. "Tell me,how put the requisite assortment of good qualities into a boy, as theassorted mince into the pie?""Respected sir, our office----""You talk much of that office. Where is it? On board this boat?""Oh no, sir, I just came aboard. Our office----""Came aboard at that last landing, eh? Pray, do you know a herb-doctorthere? Smooth scamp in a snuff-colored surtout?""Oh, sir, I was but a sojourner at Cape Girdeau. Though, now that youmention a snuff-colored surtout, I think I met such a man as you speakof stepping ashore as I stepped aboard, and 'pears to me I have seen himsomewhere before. Looks like a very mild Christian sort of person, Ishould say. Do you know him, respected sir?""Not much, but better than you seem to. Proceed with your business."With a low, shabby bow, as grateful for the permission, the other began:"Our office----""Look you," broke in the bachelor with ire, "have you the spinalcomplaint? What are you ducking and groveling about? Keep still. Where'syour office?""The branch one which I represent, is at Alton, sir, in the free statewe now pass," (pointing somewhat proudly ashore)."Free, eh? You a freeman, you flatter yourself? With those coat-tailsand that spinal complaint of servility? Free? Just cast up in yourprivate mind who is your master, will you?""Oh, oh, oh! I don't understand--indeed--indeed. But, respected sir, asbefore said, our office, founded on principles wholly new----""To the devil with your principles! Bad sign when a man begins to talkof his principles. Hold, come back, sir; back here, back, sir, back! Itell you no more boys for me. Nay, I'm a Mede and Persian. In my oldhome in the woods I'm pestered enough with squirrels, weasels,chipmunks, skunks. I want no more wild vermin to spoil my temper andwaste my substance. Don't talk of boys; enough of your boys; a plague ofyour boys; chilblains on your boys! As for Intelligence Offices, I'velived in the East, and know 'em. Swindling concerns kept by low-borncynics, under a fawning exterior wreaking their cynic malice uponmankind. You are a fair specimen of 'em.""Oh dear, dear, dear!""Dear? Yes, a thrice dear purchase one of your boys would be to me. Arot on your boys!""But, respected sir, if you will not have boys, might we not, in oursmall way, accommodate you with a man?""Accommodate? Pray, no doubt you could accommodate me with abosom-friend too, couldn't you? Accommodate! Obliging word accommodate:there's accommodation notes now, where one accommodates another with aloan, and if he don't pay it pretty quickly, accommodates him, with achain to his foot. Accommodate! God forbid that I should ever beaccommodated. No, no. Look you, as I told that cousin-german of yours,the herb-doctor, I'm now on the road to get me made some sort of machineto do my work. Machines for me. My cider-mill--does that ever steal mycider? My mowing-machine--does that ever lay a-bed mornings? Mycorn-husker--does that ever give me insolence? No: cider-mill,mowing-machine, corn-husker--all faithfully attend to their business.Disinterested, too; no board, no wages; yet doing good all their liveslong; shining examples that virtue is its own reward--the only practicalChristians I know.""Oh dear, dear, dear, dear!""Yes, sir:--boys? Start my soul-bolts, what a difference, in a moralpoint of view, between a corn-husker and a boy! Sir, a corn-husker, forits patient continuance in well-doing, might not unfitly go to heaven.Do you suppose a boy will?""A corn-husker in heaven! (turning up the whites of his eyes). Respectedsir, this way of talking as if heaven were a kind of Washingtonpatent-office museum--oh, oh, oh!--as if mere machine-work andpuppet-work went to heaven--oh, oh, oh! Things incapable of free agency,to receive the eternal reward of well-doing--oh, oh, oh!""You Praise-God-Barebones you, what are you groaning about? Did I sayanything of that sort? Seems to me, though you talk so good, you aremighty quick at a hint the other way, or else you want to pick a polemicquarrel with me.""It may be so or not, respected sir," was now the demure reply; "but ifit be, it is only because as a soldier out of honor is quick in takingaffront, so a Christian out of religion is quick, sometimes perhaps alittle too much so, in spying heresy.""Well," after an astonished pause, "for an unaccountable pair, you andthe herb-doctor ought to yoke together."So saying, the bachelor was eying him rather sharply, when he with thebrass plate recalled him to the discussion by a hint, not unflattering,that he (the man with the brass plate) was all anxiety to hear himfurther on the subject of servants."About that matter," exclaimed the impulsive bachelor, going offat the hint like a rocket, "all thinking minds are, now-a-days,coming to the conclusion--one derived from an immense hereditaryexperience--see what Horace and others of the ancients say ofservants--coming to the conclusion, I say, that boy or man, thehuman animal is, for most work-purposes, a losing animal. Can't betrusted; less trustworthy than oxen; for conscientiousness a turn-spitdog excels him. Hence these thousand new inventions--carding machines,horseshoe machines, tunnel-boring machines, reaping machines,apple-paring machines, boot-blacking machines, sewing machines, shavingmachines, run-of-errand machines, dumb-waiter machines, and theLord-only-knows-what machines; all of which announce the era when thatrefractory animal, the working or serving man, shall be a buriedby-gone, a superseded fossil. Shortly prior to which glorious time, Idoubt not that a price will be put upon their peltries as upon theknavish 'possums,' especially the boys. Yes, sir (ringing his rifle downon the deck), I rejoice to think that the day is at hand, when, promptedto it by law, I shall shoulder this gun and go out a boy-shooting.""Oh, now! Lord, Lord, Lord!--But our office, respected sir, conductedas I ventured to observe----""No, sir," bristlingly settling his stubble chin in his coon-skins."Don't try to oil me; the herb-doctor tried that. My experience, carriednow through a course--worse than salivation--a course of five and thirtyboys, proves to me that boyhood is a natural state of rascality.""Save us, save us!""Yes, sir, yes. My name is Pitch; I stick to what I say. I speak fromfifteen years' experience; five and thirty boys; American, Irish,English, German, African, Mulatto; not to speak of that China boy sentme by one who well knew my perplexities, from California; and thatLascar boy from Bombay. Thug! I found him sucking the embryo life frommy spring eggs. All rascals, sir, every soul of them; Caucasian orMongol. Amazing the endless variety of rascality in human nature of thejuvenile sort. I remember that, having discharged, one after another,twenty-nine boys--each, too, for some wholly unforeseen species ofviciousness peculiar to that one peculiar boy--I remember saying tomyself: Now, then, surely, I have got to the end of the list, whollyexhausted it; I have only now to get me a boy, any boy different fromthose twenty-nine preceding boys, and he infallibly shall be thatvirtuous boy I have so long been seeking. But, bless me! this thirtiethboy--by the way, having at the time long forsworn your intelligenceoffices, I had him sent to me from the Commissioners of Emigration, allthe way from New York, culled out carefully, in fine, at my particularrequest, from a standing army of eight hundred boys, the flowers of allnations, so they wrote me, temporarily in barracks on an East Riverisland--I say, this thirtieth boy was in person not ungraceful; hisdeceased mother a lady's maid, or something of that sort; and in manner,why, in a plebeian way, a perfect Chesterfield; very intelligent,too--quick as a flash. But, such suavity! 'Please sir! please sir!'always bowing and saying, 'Please sir.' In the strangest way, too,combining a filial affection with a menial respect. Took such warm,singular interest in my affairs. Wanted to be considered one of thefamily--sort of adopted son of mine, I suppose. Of a morning, when Iwould go out to my stable, with what childlike good nature he would trotout my nag, 'Please sir, I think he's getting fatter and fatter.' 'But,he don't look very clean, does he?' unwilling to be downright harsh withso affectionate a lad; 'and he seems a little hollow inside the haunchthere, don't he? or no, perhaps I don't see plain this morning.' 'Oh,please sir, it's just there I think he's gaining so, please.' Politescamp! I soon found he never gave that wretched nag his oats of nights;didn't bed him either. Was above that sort of chambermaid work. No endto his willful neglects. But the more he abused my service, the morepolite he grew.""Oh, sir, some way you mistook him.""Not a bit of it. Besides, sir, he was a boy who under a Chesterfieldianexterior hid strong destructive propensities. He cut up my horse-blanketfor the bits of leather, for hinges to his chest. Denied it point-blank.After he was gone, found the shreds under his mattress. Wouldslyly break his hoe-handle, too, on purpose to get rid of hoeing.Then be so gracefully penitent for his fatal excess of industriousstrength. Offer to mend all by taking a nice stroll to the nighestsettlement--cherry-trees in full bearing all the way--to get the brokenthing cobbled. Very politely stole my pears, odd pennies, shillings,dollars, and nuts; regular squirrel at it. But I could prove nothing.Expressed to him my suspicions. Said I, moderately enough, 'A littleless politeness, and a little more honesty would suit me better.' Hefired up; threatened to sue for libel. I won't say anything about hisafterwards, in Ohio, being found in the act of gracefully putting a baracross a rail-road track, for the reason that a stoker called him therogue that he was. But enough: polite boys or saucy boys, white boys orblack boys, smart boys or lazy boys, Caucasian boys or Mongol boys--allare rascals.""Shocking, shocking!" nervously tucking his frayed cravat-end out ofsight. "Surely, respected sir, you labor under a deplorablehallucination. Why, pardon again, you seem to have not the slightestconfidence in boys, I admit, indeed, that boys, some of them at least,are but too prone to one little foolish foible or other. But, what then,respected sir, when, by natural laws, they finally outgrow such things,and wholly?"Having until now vented himself mostly in plaintive dissent of caninewhines and groans, the man with the brass-plate seemed beginning tosummon courage to a less timid encounter. But, upon his maiden essay,was not very encouragingly handled, since the dialogue immediatelycontinued as follows:"Boys outgrow what is amiss in them? From bad boys spring good men? Sir,'the child is father of the man;' hence, as all boys are rascals, so areall men. But, God bless me, you must know these things better than I;keeping an intelligence office as you do; a business which must furnishpeculiar facilities for studying mankind. Come, come up here, sir;confess you know these things pretty well, after all. Do you not knowthat all men are rascals, and all boys, too?""Sir," replied the other, spite of his shocked feelings seeming to pluckup some spirit, but not to an indiscreet degree, "Sir, heaven bepraised, I am far, very far from knowing what you say. True," hethoughtfully continued, "with my associates, I keep an intelligenceoffice, and for ten years, come October, have, one way or other, beenconcerned in that line; for no small period in the great city ofCincinnati, too; and though, as you hint, within that long interval, Imust have had more or less favorable opportunity for studyingmankind--in a business way, scanning not only the faces, but ransackingthe lives of several thousands of human beings, male and female, ofvarious nations, both employers and employed, genteel and ungenteel,educated and uneducated; yet--of course, I candidly admit, with somerandom exceptions, I have, so far as my small observation goes, foundthat mankind thus domestically viewed, confidentially viewed, I may say;they, upon the whole--making some reasonable allowances for humanimperfection--present as pure a moral spectacle as the purest angelcould wish. I say it, respected sir, with confidence.""Gammon! You don't mean what you say. Else you are like a landsman atsea: don't know the ropes, the very things everlastingly pulled beforeyour eyes. Serpent-like, they glide about, traveling blocks too subtlefor you. In short, the entire ship is a riddle. Why, you green oneswouldn't know if she were unseaworthy; but still, with thumbs stuck backinto your arm-holes, pace the rotten planks, singing, like a fool, wordsput into your green mouth by the cunning owner, the man who, heavilyinsuring it, sends his ship to be wrecked--'A wet sheet and a flowing sea!'--and, sir, now that it occurs to me, your talk, the whole of it, isbut a wet sheet and a flowing sea, and an idle wind that follows fast,offering a striking contrast to my own discourse.""Sir," exclaimed the man with the brass-plate, his patience now more orless tasked, "permit me with deference to hint that some of your remarksare injudiciously worded. And thus we say to our patrons, when theyenter our office full of abuse of us because of some worthy boy we mayhave sent them--some boy wholly misjudged for the time. Yes, sir, permitme to remark that you do not sufficiently consider that, though a smallman, I may have my small share of feelings.""Well, well, I didn't mean to wound your feelings at all. And that theyare small, very small, I take your word for it. Sorry, sorry. But truthis like a thrashing-machine; tender sensibilities must keep out of theway. Hope you understand me. Don't want to hurt you. All I say is, whatI said in the first place, only now I swear it, that all boys arerascals.""Sir," lowly replied the other, still forbearing like an old lawyerbadgered in court, or else like a good-hearted simpleton, the butt ofmischievous wags, "Sir, since you come back to the point, will you allowme, in my small, quiet way, to submit to you certain small, quiet viewsof the subject in hand?""Oh, yes!" with insulting indifference, rubbing his chin and looking theother way. "Oh, yes; go on.""Well, then, respected sir," continued the other, now assuming asgenteel an attitude as the irritating set of his pinched five-dollarsuit would permit; "well, then, sir, the peculiar principles, thestrictly philosophical principles, I may say," guardedly rising indignity, as he guardedly rose on his toes, "upon which our office isfounded, has led me and my associates, in our small, quiet way, to acareful analytical study of man, conducted, too, on a quiet theory, andwith an unobtrusive aim wholly our own. That theory I will not now atlarge set forth. But some of the discoveries resulting from it, I will,by your permission, very briefly mention; such of them, I mean, as referto the state of boyhood scientifically viewed.""Then you have studied the thing? expressly studied boys, eh? Why didn'tyou out with that before?""Sir, in my small business way, I have not conversed with so manymasters, gentlemen masters, for nothing. I have been taught that in thisworld there is a precedence of opinions as well as of persons. You havekindly given me your views, I am now, with modesty, about to give youmine.""Stop flunkying--go on.""In the first place, sir, our theory teaches us to proceed by analogyfrom the physical to the moral. Are we right there, sir? Now, sir, takea young boy, a young male infant rather, a man-child in short--what sir,I respectfully ask, do you in the first place remark?""A rascal, sir! present and prospective, a rascal!""Sir, if passion is to invade, surely science must evacuate. May Iproceed? Well, then, what, in the first place, in a general view, do youremark, respected sir, in that male baby or man-child?"The bachelor privily growled, but this time, upon the whole, bettergoverned himself than before, though not, indeed, to the degree ofthinking it prudent to risk an articulate response."What do you remark? I respectfully repeat." But, as no answer came,only the low, half-suppressed growl, as of Bruin in a hollow trunk, thequestioner continued: "Well, sir, if you will permit me, in my smallway, to speak for you, you remark, respected sir, an incipient creation;loose sort of sketchy thing; a little preliminary rag-paper study, orcareless cartoon, so to speak, of a man. The idea, you see, respectedsir, is there; but, as yet, wants filling out. In a word, respected sir,the man-child is at present but little, every way; I don't pretend todeny it; but, then, he promises well, does he not? Yes, promises verywell indeed, I may say. (So, too, we say to our patrons in reference tosome noble little youngster objected to for being a dwarf.) But, toadvance one step further," extending his thread-bare leg, as he drew apace nearer, "we must now drop the figure of the rag-paper cartoon, andborrow one--to use presently, when wanted--from the horticulturalkingdom. Some bud, lily-bud, if you please. Now, such points as thenew-born man-child has--as yet not all that could be desired, I am freeto confess--still, such as they are, there they are, and palpable asthose of an adult. But we stop not here," taking another step. "Theman-child not only possesses these present points, small though theyare, but, likewise--now our horticultural image comes into play--likethe bud of the lily, he contains concealed rudiments of others; thatis, points at present invisible, with beauties at present dormant.""Come, come, this talk is getting too horticultural and beautifulaltogether. Cut it short, cut it short!""Respected sir," with a rustily martial sort of gesture, like a decayedcorporal's, "when deploying into the field of discourse the vanguard ofan important argument, much more in evolving the grand central forces ofa hew philosophy of boys, as I may say, surely you will kindly allowscope adequate to the movement in hand, small and humble in its way asthat movement may be. Is it worth my while to go on, respected sir?""Yes, stop flunkying and go on."Thus encouraged, again the philosopher with the brass-plate proceeded:"Supposing, sir, that worthy gentleman (in such terms, to an applicantfor service, we allude to some patron we chance to have in our eye),supposing, respected sir, that worthy gentleman, Adam, to have beendropped overnight in Eden, as a calf in the pasture; supposing that,sir--then how could even the learned serpent himself have foreknown thatsuch a downy-chinned little innocent would eventually rival the goat ina beard? Sir, wise as the serpent was, that eventuality would have beenentirely hidden from his wisdom.""I don't know about that. The devil is very sagacious. To judge by theevent, he appears to have understood man better even than the Being whomade him.""For God's sake, don't say that, sir! To the point. Can it now withfairness be denied that, in his beard, the man-child prospectivelypossesses an appendix, not less imposing than patriarchal; and for thisgoodly beard, should we not by generous anticipation give the man-child,even in his cradle, credit? Should we not now, sir? respectfully I putit.""Yes, if like pig-weed he mows it down soon as it shoots," porcinelyrubbing his stubble-chin against his coon-skins."I have hinted at the analogy," continued the other, calmly disregardfulof the digression; "now to apply it. Suppose a boy evince no noblequality. Then generously give him credit for his prospective one. Don'tyou see? So we say to our patrons when they would fain return a boy uponus as unworthy: 'Madam, or sir, (as the case may be) has this boy abeard?' 'No.' 'Has he, we respectfully ask, as yet, evinced any noblequality?' 'No, indeed.' 'Then, madam, or sir, take him back, we humblybeseech; and keep him till that same noble quality sprouts; for, haveconfidence, it, like the beard, is in him.'""Very fine theory," scornfully exclaimed the bachelor, yet in secret,perhaps, not entirely undisturbed by these strange new views of thematter; "but what trust is to be placed in it?""The trust of perfect confidence, sir. To proceed. Once more, if youplease, regard the man-child.""Hold!" paw-like thrusting put his bearskin arm, "don't intrude thatman-child upon me too often. He who loves not bread, dotes not ondough. As little of your man-child as your logical arrangements willadmit.""Anew regard the man-child," with inspired intrepidity repeated he withthe brass-plate, "in the perspective of his developments, I mean. Atfirst the man-child has no teeth, but about the sixth month--am I right,sir?""Don't know anything about it.""To proceed then: though at first deficient in teeth, about the sixthmonth the man-child begins to put forth in that particular. And sweetthose tender little puttings-forth are.""Very, but blown out of his mouth directly, worthless enough.""Admitted. And, therefore, we say to our patrons returning with a boyalleged not only to be deficient in goodness, but redundant in ill: 'Thelad, madam or sir, evinces very corrupt qualities, does he? No end tothem.' 'But, have confidence, there will be; for pray, madam, in thislad's early childhood, were not those frail first teeth, then his,followed by his present sound, even, beautiful and permanent set. Andthe more objectionable those first teeth became, was not that, madam, werespectfully submit, so much the more reason to look for their speedysubstitution by the present sound, even, beautiful and permanent ones.''True, true, can't deny that.' 'Then, madam, take him back, werespectfully beg, and wait till, in the now swift course of nature,dropping those transient moral blemishes you complain of, hereplacingly buds forth in the sound, even, beautiful and permanentvirtues.'""Very philosophical again," was the contemptuous reply--the outwardcontempt, perhaps, proportioned to the inward misgiving. "Vastlyphilosophical, indeed, but tell me--to continue your analogy--since thesecond teeth followed--in fact, came from--the first, is there no chancethe blemish may be transmitted?""Not at all." Abating in humility as he gained in the argument. "Thesecond teeth follow, but do not come from, the first; successors, notsons. The first teeth are not like the germ blossom of the apple, atonce the father of, and incorporated into, the growth it foreruns; butthey are thrust from their place by the independent undergrowth of thesucceeding set--an illustration, by the way, which shows more for methan I meant, though not more than I wish.""What does it show?" Surly-looking as a thundercloud with the inkeptunrest of unacknowledged conviction."It shows this, respected sir, that in the case of any boy, especiallyan ill one, to apply unconditionally the saying, that the 'child isfather of the man', is, besides implying an uncharitable aspersion ofthe race, affirming a thing very wide of----""--Your analogy," like a snapping turtle."Yes, respected sir.""But is analogy argument? You are a punster.""Punster, respected sir?" with a look of being aggrieved."Yes, you pun with ideas as another man may with words.""Oh well, sir, whoever talks in that strain, whoever has no confidencein human reason, whoever despises human reason, in vain to reason withhim. Still, respected sir," altering his air, "permit me to hint that,had not the force of analogy moved you somewhat, you would hardly haveoffered to contemn it.""Talk away," disdainfully; "but pray tell me what has that last analogyof yours to do with your intelligence office business?""Everything to do with it, respected sir. From that analogy we derivethe reply made to such a patron as, shortly after being supplied by uswith an adult servant, proposes to return him upon our hands; not that,while with the patron, said adult has given any cause ofdissatisfaction, but the patron has just chanced to hear somethingunfavorable concerning him from some gentleman who employed said adult,long before, while a boy. To which too fastidious patron, we, takingsaid adult by the hand, and graciously reintroducing him to the patron,say: 'Far be it from you, madam, or sir, to proceed in your censureagainst this adult, in anything of the spirit of an ex-post-facto law.Madam, or sir, would you visit upon the butterfly the caterpillar? Inthe natural advance of all creatures, do they not bury themselves overand over again in the endless resurrection of better and better? Madam,or sir, take back this adult; he may have been a caterpillar, but is nowa butterfly.""Pun away; but even accepting your analogical pun, what does it amountto? Was the caterpillar one creature, and is the butterfly another? Thebutterfly is the caterpillar in a gaudy cloak; stripped of which, therelies the impostor's long spindle of a body, pretty much worm-shaped asbefore.""You reject the analogy. To the facts then. You deny that a youth of onecharacter can be transformed into a man of an opposite character. Nowthen--yes, I have it. There's the founder of La Trappe, and IgnatiusLoyola; in boyhood, and someway into manhood, both devil-may-carebloods, and yet, in the end, the wonders of the world for anchoritishself-command. These two examples, by-the-way, we cite to such patrons aswould hastily return rakish young waiters upon us. 'Madam, orsir--patience; patience,' we say; 'good madam, or sir, would youdischarge forth your cask of good wine, because, while working, it rilesmore or less? Then discharge not forth this young waiter; the good inhim is working.' 'But he is a sad rake.' 'Therein is his promise; therake being crude material for the saint.'""Ah, you are a talking man--what I call a wordy man. You talk, talk.""And with submission, sir, what is the greatest judge, bishop orprophet, but a talking man? He talks, talks. It is the peculiar vocationof a teacher to talk. What's wisdom itself but table-talk? The bestwisdom in this world, and the last spoken by its teacher, did it notliterally and truly come in the form of table-talk?""You, you, you!" rattling down his rifle."To shift the subject, since we cannot agree. Pray, what is youropinion, respected sir, of St. Augustine?""St. Augustine? What should I, or you either, know of him? Seems to me,for one in such a business, to say nothing of such a coat, that thoughyou don't know a great deal, indeed, yet you know a good deal more thanyou ought to know, or than you have a right to know, or than it is safeor expedient for you to know, or than, in the fair course of life, youcould have honestly come to know. I am of opinion you should be servedlike a Jew in the middle ages with his gold; this knowledge of yours,which you haven't enough knowledge to know how to make a right use of,it should be taken from you. And so I have been thinking all along.""You are merry, sir. But you have a little looked into St. Augustine Isuppose.""St. Augustine on Original Sin is my text book. But you, I ask again,where do you find time or inclination for these out-of-the-wayspeculations? In fact, your whole talk, the more I think of it, isaltogether unexampled and extraordinary.""Respected sir, have I not already informed you that the quite newmethod, the strictly philosophical one, on which our office is founded,has led me and my associates to an enlarged study of mankind. It was myfault, if I did not, likewise, hint, that these studies directed alwaysto the scientific procuring of good servants of all sorts, boysincluded, for the kind gentlemen, our patrons--that these studies, Isay, have been conducted equally among all books of all libraries, asamong all men of all nations. Then, you rather like St. Augustine, sir?""Excellent genius!""In some points he was; yet, how comes it that under his own hand, St.Augustine confesses that, until his thirtieth year, he was a very saddog?""A saint a sad dog?""Not the saint, but the saint's irresponsible little forerunner--theboy.""All boys are rascals, and so are all men," again flying off at histangent; "my name is Pitch; I stick to what I say.""Ah, sir, permit me--when I behold you on this mild summer's eve, thuseccentrically clothed in the skins of wild beasts, I cannot but concludethat the equally grim and unsuitable habit of your mind is likewise butan eccentric assumption, having no basis in your genuine soul, no morethan in nature herself.""Well, really, now--really," fidgeted the bachelor, not unaffected inhis conscience by these benign personalities, "really, really, now, Idon't know but that I may have been a little bit too hard upon thosefive and thirty boys of mine.""Glad to find you a little softening, sir. Who knows now, but thatflexile gracefulness, however questionable at the time of that thirtiethboy of yours, might have been the silky husk of the most solid qualitiesof maturity. It might have been with him as with the ear of the Indiancorn.""Yes, yes, yes," excitedly cried the bachelor, as the light of this newillustration broke in, "yes, yes; and now that I think of it, how oftenI've sadly watched my Indian corn in May, wondering whether such sickly,half-eaten sprouts, could ever thrive up into the stiff, stately spearof August.""A most admirable reflection, sir, and you have only, according to theanalogical theory first started by our office, to apply it to thatthirtieth boy in question, and see the result. Had you but kept thatthirtieth boy--been patient with his sickly virtues, cultivated them,hoed round them, why what a glorious guerdon would have been yours, whenat last you should have had a St. Augustine for an ostler.""Really, really--well, I am glad I didn't send him to jail, as at firstI intended.""Oh that would have been too bad. Grant he was vicious. The petty vicesof boys are like the innocent kicks of colts, as yet imperfectly broken.Some boys know not virtue only for the same reason they know not French;it was never taught them. Established upon the basis of parentalcharity, juvenile asylums exist by law for the benefit of lads convictedof acts which, in adults, would have received other requital. Why?Because, do what they will, society, like our office, at bottom has aChristian confidence in boys. And all this we say to our patrons.""Your patrons, sir, seem your marines to whom you may say anything,"said the other, relapsing. "Why do knowing employers shun youths fromasylums, though offered them at the smallest wages? I'll none of yourreformado boys.""Such a boy, respected sir, I would not get for you, but a boy thatnever needed reform. Do not smile, for as whooping-cough and measles arejuvenile diseases, and yet some juveniles never have them, so are thereboys equally free from juvenile vices. True, for the best of boys'measles may be contagious, and evil communications corrupt good manners;but a boy with a sound mind in a sound body--such is the boy I would getyou. If hitherto, sir, you have struck upon a peculiarly bad vein ofboys, so much the more hope now of your hitting a good one.""That sounds a kind of reasonable, as it were--a little so, really. Infact, though you have said a great many foolish things, very foolish andabsurd things, yet, upon the whole, your conversation has been such asmight almost lead one less distrustful than I to repose a certainconditional confidence in you, I had almost added in your office, also.Now, for the humor of it, supposing that even I, I myself, really hadthis sort of conditional confidence, though but a grain, what sort of aboy, in sober fact, could you send me? And what would be your fee?""Conducted," replied the other somewhat loftily, rising now in eloquenceas his proselyte, for all his pretenses, sunk in conviction, "conductedupon principles involving care, learning, and labor, exceeding what isusual in kindred institutions, the Philosophical Intelligence Office isforced to charge somewhat higher than customary. Briefly, our fee isthree dollars in advance. As for the boy, by a lucky chance, I have avery promising little fellow now in my eye--a very likely little fellow,indeed.""Honest?""As the day is long. Might trust him with untold millions. Such, atleast, were the marginal observations on the phrenological chart of hishead, submitted to me by the mother.""How old?""Just fifteen.""Tall? Stout?""Uncommonly so, for his age, his mother remarked.""Industrious?""The busy bee."The bachelor fell into a troubled reverie. At last, with much hesitancy,he spoke:"Do you think now, candidly, that--I say candidly--candidly--could Ihave some small, limited--some faint, conditional degree of confidencein that boy? Candidly, now?""Candidly, you could.""A sound boy? A good boy?""Never knew one more so."The bachelor fell into another irresolute reverie; then said: "Well,now, you have suggested some rather new views of boys, and men, too.Upon those views in the concrete I at present decline to determine.Nevertheless, for the sake purely of a scientific experiment, I will trythat boy. I don't think him an angel, mind. No, no. But I'll try him.There are my three dollars, and here is my address. Send him along thisday two weeks. Hold, you will be wanting the money for his passage.There," handing it somewhat reluctantly."Ah, thank you. I had forgotten his passage;" then, altering in manner,and gravely holding the bills, continued: "Respected sir, neverwillingly do I handle money not with perfect willingness, nay, with acertain alacrity, paid. Either tell me that you have a perfect andunquestioning confidence in me (never mind the boy now) or permit merespectfully to return these bills.""Put 'em up, put 'em-up!""Thank you. Confidence is the indispensable basis of all sorts ofbusiness transactions. Without it, commerce between man and man, asbetween country and country, would, like a watch, run down and stop. Andnow, supposing that against present expectation the lad should, afterall, evince some little undesirable trait, do not, respected sir, rashlydismiss him. Have but patience, have but confidence. Those transientvices will, ere long, fall out, and be replaced by the sound, firm, evenand permanent virtues. Ah," glancing shoreward, towards agrotesquely-shaped bluff, "there's the Devil's Joke, as they call it:the bell for landing will shortly ring. I must go look up the cook Ibrought for the innkeeper at Cairo."