Reginald at the Theatre

by H.H. Munro (SAKI)

　　

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"After all," said the Duchess vaguely, "there are certainthings you can't get away from. Right and wrong, goodconduct and moral rectitude, have certain well-definedlimits.""So, for the matter of that," replied Reginald, "has theRussian Empire. The trouble is that the limits are notalways in the same place."Reginald and the Duchess regarded each other with mutualdistrust, tempered by a scientific interest. Reginaldconsidered that the Duchess had much to learn; in particular,not to hurry out of the Carlton as though afraid of losingone's last 'bus. A woman, he said, who is careless ofdisappearances is capable of leaving town before Good-wood,and dying at the wrong moment of an unfashionable disease.The Duchess thought that Reginald did not exceed the ethicalstandard which circumstances demanded."Of course," she resumed combatively, "it's the prevailingfashion to believe in perpetual change and mutability, andall that sort of thing, and to say we are all merely animproved form of primeval ape--of course you subscribe tothat doctrine?""I think it decidedly premature; in most people I know theprocess is far from complete.""And equally of course you are quite irreligious?""Oh, by no means. The fashion just now is a Roman Catholicframe of mind with an Agnostic conscience: you get themediaeval picturesqueness of the one with the modernconveniences of the other."The Duchess suppressed a sniff. She was one of those peoplewho regard the Church of England with patronising affection,as if it were something that had grown up in their kitchengarden."But there are other things," she continued, "which I supposeare to a certain extent sacred even to you. Patriotism, forinstance, and Empire, and Imperial responsibility, and blood-is-thicker-than-water, and all that sort of thing."Reginald waited for a couple of minutes before replying,while the Lord of Rimini temporarily monopolised the acousticpossibilities of the theatre."That is the worst of a tragedy," he observed, "one can'talways hear oneself talk. Of course I accept the Imperialidea and the responsibility. After all, I would just as soonthink in Continents as anywhere else. And some day, when theseason is over and we have the time, you shall explain to methe exact blood-brotherhood and all that sort of thing thatexists between a French Canadian and a mild Hindoo and aYorkshireman, for instance.""Oh, well, 'dominion over palm and pine,' you know," quotedthe Duchess hopefully; "of course we mustn't forget thatwe're all part of the great Anglo-Saxon Empire.""Which for its part is rapidly becoming a suburb ofJerusalem. A very pleasant suburb, I admit, and quite acharming Jerusalem. But still a suburb.""Really, to be told one's living in a suburb when one isconscious of spreading the benefits of civilisation all overthe world! Philanthropy--I suppose you will say that is acomfortable delusion; and yet even you must admit thatwhenever want or misery or starvation is known to exist,however distant or difficult of access, we instantly organiserelief on the most generous scale, and distribute it, if needbe, to the uttermost ends of the earth."The Duchess paused, with a sense of ultimate triumph. Shehad made the same observation at a drawing-room meeting, andit had been extremely well received."I wonder," said Reginald, "if you have ever walked down theEmbankment on a winter night?""Gracious, no, child! Why do you ask?""I didn't; I only wondered. And even your philanthropy,practised in a world where everything is based oncompetition, must have a debit as well as a credit account.The young ravens cry for food.""And are fed.""Exactly. Which presupposes that something else is fedupon.""Oh, you're simply exasperating. You've been readingNietzsche till you haven't got any sense of moral proportionleft. May I ask if you are governed by any laws of conductwhatever?""There are certain fixed rules that one observes for one'sown comfort. For instance, never be flippantly rude to anyinoffensive grey-bearded stranger that you may meet in pineforests or hotel smoking-rooms on the Continent. It alwaysturns out to be the King of Sweden.""The restraint must be dreadfully irksome to you. When I wasyounger, boys of your age used to be nice and innocent.""Now we are only nice. One must specialise in these days.Which reminds me of the man I read of in some sacred book whowas given a choice of what he most desired. And because hedidn't ask for titles and honours and dignities, but only forimmense wealth, these other things came to him also.""I am sure you didn't read about him in any sacred book.""Yes; I fancy you will find him in Debrett."

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