The Son of the Brahman

by Hermann Hesse

　　In the shade of the house, in the sunshine of the riverbank near theboats, in the shade of the Sal-wood forest, in the shade of the fig treeis where Siddhartha grew up, the handsome son of the Brahman, the youngfalcon, together with his friend Govinda, son of a Brahman. The suntanned his light shoulders by the banks of the river when bathing,performing the sacred ablutions, the sacred offerings. In the mangogrove, shade poured into his black eyes, when playing as a boy, whenhis mother sang, when the sacred offerings were made, when his father,the scholar, taught him, when the wise men talked. For a long time,Siddhartha had been partaking in the discussions of the wise men,practising debate with Govinda, practising with Govinda the art ofreflection, the service of meditation. He already knew how to speak theOm silently, the word of words, to speak it silently into himself whileinhaling, to speak it silently out of himself while exhaling, with allthe concentration of his soul, the forehead surrounded by the glow ofthe clear-thinking spirit. He already knew to feel Atman in the depthsof his being, indestructible, one with the universe.Joy leapt in his father's heart for his son who was quick to learn,thirsty for knowledge; he saw him growing up to become great wise manand priest, a prince among the Brahmans.Bliss leapt in his mother's breast when she saw him, when she saw himwalking, when she saw him sit down and get up, Siddhartha, strong,handsome, he who was walking on slender legs, greeting her with perfectrespect.Love touched the hearts of the Brahmans' young daughters whenSiddhartha walked through the lanes of the town with the luminousforehead, with the eye of a king, with his slim hips.But more than all the others he was loved by Govinda, his friend, theson of a Brahman. He loved Siddhartha's eye and sweet voice, he lovedhis walk and the perfect decency of his movements, he loved everythingSiddhartha did and said and what he loved most was his spirit, histranscendent, fiery thoughts, his ardent will, his high calling.Govinda knew: he would not become a common Brahman, not a lazy officialin charge of offerings; not a greedy merchant with magic spells; not avain, vacuous speaker; not a mean, deceitful priest; and also not adecent, stupid sheep in the herd of the many. No, and he, Govinda, aswell did not want to become one of those, not one of those tens ofthousands of Brahmans. He wanted to follow Siddhartha, the beloved,the splendid. And in days to come, when Siddhartha would become a god,when he would join the glorious, then Govinda wanted to follow him ashis friend, his companion, his servant, his spear-carrier, his shadow.Siddhartha was thus loved by everyone. He was a source of joy foreverybody, he was a delight for them all.But he, Siddhartha, was not a source of joy for himself, he found nodelight in himself. Walking the rosy paths of the fig tree garden,sitting in the bluish shade of the grove of contemplation, washing hislimbs daily in the bath of repentance, sacrificing in the dim shade ofthe mango forest, his gestures of perfect decency, everyone's love andjoy, he still lacked all joy in his heart. Dreams and restless thoughtscame into his mind, flowing from the water of the river, sparkling fromthe stars of the night, melting from the beams of the sun, dreams cameto him and a restlessness of the soul, fuming from the sacrifices,breathing forth from the verses of the Rig-Veda, being infused into him,drop by drop, from the teachings of the old Brahmans.Siddhartha had started to nurse discontent in himself, he had startedto feel that the love of his father and the love of his mother, and alsothe love of his friend, Govinda, would not bring him joy for ever andever, would not nurse him, feed him, satisfy him. He had started tosuspect that his venerable father and his other teachers, that the wiseBrahmans had already revealed to him the most and best of their wisdom,that they had already filled his expecting vessel with their richness,and the vessel was not full, the spirit was not content, the soul wasnot calm, the heart was not satisfied. The ablutions were good, butthey were water, they did not wash off the sin, they did not heal thespirit's thirst, they did not relieve the fear in his heart. Thesacrifices and the invocation of the gods were excellent--but was thatall? Did the sacrifices give a happy fortune? And what about the gods?Was it really Prajapati who had created the world? Was it not theAtman, He, the only one, the singular one? Were the gods not creations,created like me and you, subject to time, mortal? Was it thereforegood, was it right, was it meaningful and the highest occupation to makeofferings to the gods? For whom else were offerings to be made, whoelse was to be worshipped but Him, the only one, the Atman? And wherewas Atman to be found, where did He reside, where did his eternal heartbeat, where else but in one's own self, in its innermost part, in itsindestructible part, which everyone had in himself? But where, wherewas this self, this innermost part, this ultimate part? It was notflesh and bone, it was neither thought nor consciousness, thus thewisest ones taught. So, where, where was it? To reach this place, theself, myself, the Atman, there was another way, which was worthwhilelooking for? Alas, and nobody showed this way, nobody knew it, not thefather, and not the teachers and wise men, not the holy sacrificialsongs! They knew everything, the Brahmans and their holy books, theyknew everything, they had taken care of everything and of more thaneverything, the creation of the world, the origin of speech, of food, ofinhaling, of exhaling, the arrangement of the senses, the acts of thegods, they knew infinitely much--but was it valuable to know all ofthis, not knowing that one and only thing, the most important thing, thesolely important thing?Surely, many verses of the holy books, particularly in the Upanishadesof Samaveda, spoke of this innermost and ultimate thing, wonderfulverses. "Your soul is the whole world", was written there, and it waswritten that man in his sleep, in his deep sleep, would meet with hisinnermost part and would reside in the Atman. Marvellous wisdom was inthese verses, all knowledge of the wisest ones had been collected herein magic words, pure as honey collected by bees. No, not to be lookeddown upon was the tremendous amount of enlightenment which lay herecollected and preserved by innumerable generations of wise Brahmans.--But where were the Brahmans, where the priests, where the wise men orpenitents, who had succeeded in not just knowing this deepest of allknowledge but also to live it? Where was the knowledgeable one who wovehis spell to bring his familiarity with the Atman out of the sleep intothe state of being awake, into the life, into every step of the way,into word and deed? Siddhartha knew many venerable Brahmans, chieflyhis father, the pure one, the scholar, the most venerable one. Hisfather was to be admired, quiet and noble were his manners, pure hislife, wise his words, delicate and noble thoughts lived behind its brow--but even he, who knew so much, did he live in blissfulness, did hehave peace, was he not also just a searching man, a thirsty man? Did henot, again and again, have to drink from holy sources, as a thirsty man,from the offerings, from the books, from the disputes of the Brahmans?Why did he, the irreproachable one, have to wash off sins every day,strive for a cleansing every day, over and over every day? Was notAtman in him, did not the pristine source spring from his heart? It hadto be found, the pristine source in one's own self, it had to bepossessed! Everything else was searching, was a detour, was gettinglost.Thus were Siddhartha's thoughts, this was his thirst, this was hissuffering.Often he spoke to himself from a Chandogya-Upanishad the words:"Truly, the name of the Brahman is satyam--verily, he who knows such athing, will enter the heavenly world every day." Often, it seemed near,the heavenly world, but never he had reached it completely, never he hadquenched the ultimate thirst. And among all the wise and wisest men, heknew and whose instructions he had received, among all of them there wasno one, who had reached it completely, the heavenly world, who hadquenched it completely, the eternal thirst."Govinda," Siddhartha spoke to his friend, "Govinda, my dear, come withme under the Banyan tree, let's practise meditation."They went to the Banyan tree, they sat down, Siddhartha right here,Govinda twenty paces away. While putting himself down, ready to speakthe Om, Siddhartha repeated murmuring the verse:Om is the bow, the arrow is soul,The Brahman is the arrow's target,That one should incessantly hit.After the usual time of the exercise in meditation had passed, Govindarose. The evening had come, it was time to perform the evening's ablution.He called Siddhartha's name. Siddhartha did not answer. Siddhartha satthere lost in thought, his eyes were rigidly focused towards a verydistant target, the tip of his tongue was protruding a little betweenthe teeth, he seemed not to breathe. Thus sat he, wrapped up incontemplation, thinking Om, his soul sent after the Brahman as an arrow.Once, Samanas had travelled through Siddhartha's town, ascetics on apilgrimage, three skinny, withered men, neither old nor young, withdusty and bloody shoulders, almost naked, scorched by the sun,surrounded by loneliness, strangers and enemies to the world, strangersand lank jackals in the realm of humans. Behind them blew a hot scentof quiet passion, of destructive service, of merciless self-denial.In the evening, after the hour of contemplation, Siddhartha spoke toGovinda: "Early tomorrow morning, my friend, Siddhartha will go to theSamanas. He will become a Samana."Govinda turned pale, when he heard these words and read the decision inthe motionless face of his friend, unstoppable like the arrow shot fromthe bow. Soon and with the first glance, Govinda realized: Now it isbeginning, now Siddhartha is taking his own way, now his fate isbeginning to sprout, and with his, my own. And he turned pale like adry banana-skin."O Siddhartha," he exclaimed, "will your father permit you to do that?"Siddhartha looked over as if he was just waking up. Arrow-fast he readin Govindas soul, read the fear, read the submission."O Govinda," he spoke quietly, "let's not waste words. Tomorrow, atdaybreak I will begin the life of the Samanas. Speak no more of it."Siddhartha entered the chamber, where his father was sitting on a mat ofbast, and stepped behind his father and remained standing there, untilhis father felt that someone was standing behind him. Quoth theBrahman: "Is that you, Siddhartha? Then say what you came to say."Quoth Siddhartha: "With your permission, my father. I came to tell youthat it is my longing to leave your house tomorrow and go to theascetics. My desire is to become a Samana. May my father not opposethis."The Brahman fell silent, and remained silent for so long that the starsin the small window wandered and changed their relative positions, 'erethe silence was broken. Silent and motionless stood the son with hisarms folded, silent and motionless sat the father on the mat, and thestars traced their paths in the sky. Then spoke the father: "Notproper it is for a Brahman to speak harsh and angry words. Butindignation is in my heart. I wish not to hear this request for asecond time from your mouth."Slowly, the Brahman rose; Siddhartha stood silently, his arms folded."What are you waiting for?" asked the father.Quoth Siddhartha: "You know what."Indignant, the father left the chamber; indignant, he went to his bedand lay down.After an hour, since no sleep had come over his eyes, the Brahman stoodup, paced to and fro, and left the house. Through the small window ofthe chamber he looked back inside, and there he saw Siddhartha standing,his arms folded, not moving from his spot. Pale shimmered his brightrobe. With anxiety in his heart, the father returned to his bed.After another hour, since no sleep had come over his eyes, the Brahmanstood up again, paced to and fro, walked out of the house and saw thatthe moon had risen. Through the window of the chamber he looked backinside; there stood Siddhartha, not moving from his spot, his armsfolded, moonlight reflecting from his bare shins. With worry in hisheart, the father went back to bed.And he came back after an hour, he came back after two hours, lookedthrough the small window, saw Siddhartha standing, in the moon light,by the light of the stars, in the darkness. And he came back hour afterhour, silently, he looked into the chamber, saw him standing in the sameplace, filled his heart with anger, filled his heart with unrest, filledhis heart with anguish, filled it with sadness.And in the night's last hour, before the day began, he returned, steppedinto the room, saw the young man standing there, who seemed tall andlike a stranger to him."Siddhartha," he spoke, "what are you waiting for?""You know what.""Will you always stand that way and wait, until it'll becomes morning,noon, and evening?""I will stand and wait."You will become tired, Siddhartha.""I will become tired.""You will fall asleep, Siddhartha.""I will not fall asleep.""You will die, Siddhartha.""I will die.""And would you rather die, than obey your father?""Siddhartha has always obeyed his father.""So will you abandon your plan?""Siddhartha will do what his father will tell him to do."The first light of day shone into the room. The Brahman saw thatSiddhartha was trembling softly in his knees. In Siddhartha's face hesaw no trembling, his eyes were fixed on a distant spot. Then hisfather realized that even now Siddhartha no longer dwelt with him in hishome, that he had already left him.The Father touched Siddhartha's shoulder."You will," he spoke, "go into the forest and be a Samana. Whenyou'll have found blissfulness in the forest, then come back and teachme to be blissful. If you'll find disappointment, then return and letus once again make offerings to the gods together. Go now and kiss yourmother, tell her where you are going to. But for me it is time to go tothe river and to perform the first ablution."He took his hand from the shoulder of his son and went outside.Siddhartha wavered to the side, as he tried to walk. He put his limbsback under control, bowed to his father, and went to his mother to do ashis father had said.As he slowly left on stiff legs in the first light of day the stillquiet town, a shadow rose near the last hut, who had crouched there,and joined the pilgrim--Govinda."You have come," said Siddhartha and smiled."I have come," said Govinda.