Some Words with a Mummy
THE symposium of the preceding evening had been a little too muchfor my nerves. I had a wretched headache, and was desperately drowsy.Instead of going out therefore to spend the evening as I had proposed, itoccurred to me that I could not do a wiser thing than just eat a mouthfulof supper and go immediately to bed.A light supper of course. I am exceedingly fond of Welsh rabbit. More thana pound at once, however, may not at all times be advisable. Still, therecan be no material objection to two. And really between two and three,there is merely a single unit of difference. I ventured, perhaps, uponfour. My wife will have it five; -- but, clearly, she has confounded twovery distinct affairs. The abstract number, five, I am willing to admit;but, concretely, it has reference to bottles of Brown Stout, withoutwhich, in the way of condiment, Welsh rabbit is to be eschewed.Having thus concluded a frugal meal, and donned my night-cap, with theserene hope of enjoying it till noon the next day, I placed my head uponthe pillow, and, through the aid of a capital conscience, fell into aprofound slumber forthwith.But when were the hopes of humanity fulfilled? I could not have completedmy third snore when there came a furious ringing at the street-door bell,and then an impatient thumping at the knocker, which awakened me at once.In a minute afterward, and while I was still rubbing my eyes, my wifethrust in my face a note, from my old friend, Doctor Ponnonner. It ranthus:"Come to me, by all means, my dear good friend, as soon as youreceive this. Come and help us to rejoice. At last, by long perseveringdiplomacy, I have gained the assent of the Directors of the City Museum,to my examination of the Mummy -- you know the one I mean. I havepermission to unswathe it and open it, if desirable. A few friends onlywill be present -- you, of course. The Mummy is now at my house, and weshall begin to unroll it at eleven to-night."Yours, ever,PONNONNER.By the time I had reached the "Ponnonner," it struck me that I was as wideawake as a man need be. I leaped out of bed in an ecstacy, overthrowingall in my way; dressed myself with a rapidity truly marvellous; and setoff, at the top of my speed, for the doctor's.There I found a very eager company assembled. They had been awaiting mewith much impatience; the Mummy was extended upon the dining-table; andthe moment I entered its examination was commenced.It was one of a pair brought, several years previously, by Captain ArthurSabretash, a cousin of Ponnonner's from a tomb near Eleithias, in theLybian mountains, a considerable distance above Thebes on the Nile. Thegrottoes at this point, although less magnificent than the Thebansepulchres, are of higher interest, on account of affording more numerousillustrations of the private life of the Egyptians. The chamber from whichour specimen was taken, was said to be very rich in such illustrations;the walls being completely covered with fresco paintings and bas-reliefs,while statues, vases, and Mosaic work of rich patterns, indicated the vastwealth of the deceased.The treasure had been deposited in the Museum precisely in the samecondition in which Captain Sabretash had found it; -- that is to say, thecoffin had not been disturbed. For eight years it had thus stood, subjectonly externally to public inspection. We had now, therefore, the completeMummy at our disposal; and to those who are aware how very rarely theunransacked antique reaches our shores, it will be evident, at once thatwe had great reason to congratulate ourselves upon our good fortune.Approaching the table, I saw on it a large box, or case, nearly seven feetlong, and perhaps three feet wide, by two feet and a half deep. It wasoblong -- not coffin-shaped. The material was at first supposed to be thewood of the sycamore (_platanus_), but, upon cutting into it, we found itto be pasteboard, or, more properly, _papier mache_, composed of papyrus.It was thickly ornamented with paintings, representing funeral scenes, andother mournful subjects -- interspersed among which, in every variety ofposition, were certain series of hieroglyphical characters, intended, nodoubt, for the name of the departed. By good luck, Mr. Gliddon formed oneof our party; and he had no difficulty in translating the letters, whichwere simply phonetic, and represented the word _Allamistakeo_.We had some difficulty in getting this case open without injury; buthaving at length accomplished the task, we came to a second,coffin-shaped, and very considerably less in size than the exterior one,but resembling it precisely in every other respect. The interval betweenthe two was filled with resin, which had, in some degree, defaced thecolors of the interior box.Upon opening this latter (which we did quite easily), we arrived at athird case, also coffin-shaped, and varying from the second one in noparticular, except in that of its material, which was cedar, and stillemitted the peculiar and highly aromatic odor of that wood. Between thesecond and the third case there was no interval -- the one fittingaccurately within the other.Removing the third case, we discovered and took out the body itself. Wehad expected to find it, as usual, enveloped in frequent rolls, orbandages, of linen; but, in place of these, we found a sort of sheath,made of papyrus, and coated with a layer of plaster, thickly gilt andpainted. The paintings represented subjects connected with the varioussupposed duties of the soul, and its presentation to different divinities,with numerous identical human figures, intended, very probably, asportraits of the persons embalmed. Extending from head to foot was acolumnar, or perpendicular, inscription, in phonetic hieroglyphics, givingagain his name and titles, and the names and titles of his relations.Around the neck thus ensheathed, was a collar of cylindrical glass beads,diverse in color, and so arranged as to form images of deities, of thescarabaeus, etc, with the winged globe. Around the small of the waist wasa similar collar or belt.Stripping off the papyrus, we found the flesh in excellent preservation,with no perceptible odor. The color was reddish. The skin was hard,smooth, and glossy. The teeth and hair were in good condition. The eyes(it seemed) had been removed, and glass ones substituted, which were verybeautiful and wonderfully life-like, with the exception of somewhat toodetermined a stare. The fingers and the nails were brilliantly gilded.Mr. Gliddon was of opinion, from the redness of the epidermis, that theembalmment had been effected altogether by asphaltum; but, on scraping thesurface with a steel instrument, and throwing into the fire some of thepowder thus obtained, the flavor of camphor and other sweet-scented gumsbecame apparent.We searched the corpse very carefully for the usual openings through whichthe entrails are extracted, but, to our surprise, we could discover none.No member of the party was at that period aware that entire or unopenedmummies are not infrequently met. The brain it was customary to withdrawthrough the nose; the intestines through an incision in the side; the bodywas then shaved, washed, and salted; then laid aside for several weeks,when the operation of embalming, properly so called, began.As no trace of an opening could be found, Doctor Ponnonner was preparinghis instruments for dissection, when I observed that it was then past twoo'clock. Hereupon it was agreed to postpone the internal examination untilthe next evening; and we were about to separate for the present, when someone suggested an experiment or two with the Voltaic pile.The application of electricity to a mummy three or four thousand years oldat the least, was an idea, if not very sage, still sufficiently original,and we all caught it at once. About one-tenth in earnest and nine-tenthsin jest, we arranged a battery in the Doctor's study, and conveyed thitherthe Egyptian.It was only after much trouble that we succeeded in laying bare someportions of the temporal muscle which appeared of less stony rigidity thanother parts of the frame, but which, as we had anticipated, of course,gave no indication of galvanic susceptibility when brought in contact withthe wire. This, the first trial, indeed, seemed decisive, and, with ahearty laugh at our own absurdity, we were bidding each other good night,when my eyes, happening to fall upon those of the Mummy, were thereimmediately riveted in amazement. My brief glance, in fact, had sufficedto assure me that the orbs which we had all supposed to be glass, andwhich were originally noticeable for a certain wild stare, were now so farcovered by the lids, that only a small portion of the _tunica albuginea_remained visible.With a shout I called attention to the fact, and it became immediatelyobvious to all.I cannot say that I was alarmed at the phenomenon, because "alarmed" is,in my case, not exactly the word. It is possible, however, that, but forthe Brown Stout, I might have been a little nervous. As for the rest ofthe company, they really made no attempt at concealing the downrightfright which possessed them. Doctor Ponnonner was a man to be pitied. Mr.Gliddon, by some peculiar process, rendered himself invisible. Mr. SilkBuckingham, I fancy, will scarcely be so bold as to deny that he made hisway, upon all fours, under the table.After the first shock of astonishment, however, we resolved, as a matterof course, upon further experiment forthwith. Our operations were nowdirected against the great toe of the right foot. We made an incision overthe outside of the exterior _os sesamoideum pollicis pedis,_ and thus gotat the root of the abductor muscle. Readjusting the battery, we nowapplied the fluid to the bisected nerves -- when, with a movement ofexceeding life-likeness, the Mummy first drew up its right knee so as tobring it nearly in contact with the abdomen, and then, straightening thelimb with inconceivable force, bestowed a kick upon Doctor Ponnonner,which had the effect of discharging that gentleman, like an arrow from acatapult, through a window into the street below.We rushed out _en masse_ to bring in the mangled remains of the victim,but had the happiness to meet him upon the staircase, coming up in anunaccountable hurry, brimful of the most ardent philosophy, and more thanever impressed with the necessity of prosecuting our experiment with vigorand with zeal.It was by his advice, accordingly, that we made, upon the spot, a profoundincision into the tip of the subject's nose, while the Doctor himself,laying violent hands upon it, pulled it into vehement contact with thewire.Morally and physically -- figuratively and literally -- was the effectelectric. In the first place, the corpse opened its eyes and winked veryrapidly for several minutes, as does Mr. Barnes in the pantomime, in thesecond place, it sneezed; in the third, it sat upon end; in the fourth, itshook its fist in Doctor Ponnonner's face; in the fifth, turning toMessieurs Gliddon and Buckingham, it addressed them, in very capitalEgyptian, thus:"I must say, gentlemen, that I am as much surprised as I am mortified atyour behavior. Of Doctor Ponnonner nothing better was to be expected. Heis a poor little fat fool who knows no better. I pity and forgive him. Butyou, Mr. Gliddon- and you, Silk -- who have travelled and resided in Egyptuntil one might imagine you to the manner born -- you, I say who have beenso much among us that you speak Egyptian fully as well, I think, as youwrite your mother tongue -- you, whom I have always been led to regard asthe firm friend of the mummies -- I really did anticipate more gentlemanlyconduct from you. What am I to think of your standing quietly by andseeing me thus unhandsomely used? What am I to suppose by your permittingTom, Dick, and Harry to strip me of my coffins, and my clothes, in thiswretchedly cold climate? In what light (to come to the point) am I toregard your aiding and abetting that miserable little villain, DoctorPonnonner, in pulling me by the nose?"It will be taken for granted, no doubt, that upon hearing this speechunder the circumstances, we all either made for the door, or fell intoviolent hysterics, or went off in a general swoon. One of these threethings was, I say, to be expected. Indeed each and all of these lines ofconduct might have been very plausibly pursued. And, upon my word, I am ata loss to know how or why it was that we pursued neither the one nor theother. But, perhaps, the true reason is to be sought in the spirit of theage, which proceeds by the rule of contraries altogether, and is nowusually admitted as the solution of every thing in the way of paradox andimpossibility. Or, perhaps, after all, it was only the Mummy's exceedinglynatural and matter-of-course air that divested his words of the terrible.However this may be, the facts are clear, and no member of our partybetrayed any very particular trepidation, or seemed to consider that anything had gone very especially wrong.For my part I was convinced it was all right, and merely stepped aside,out of the range of the Egyptian's fist. Doctor Ponnonner thrust his handsinto his breeches' pockets, looked hard at the Mummy, and grew excessivelyred in the face. Mr. Glidden stroked his whiskers and drew up the collarof his shirt. Mr. Buckingham hung down his head, and put his right thumbinto the left corner of his mouth.The Egyptian regarded him with a severe countenance for some minutes andat length, with a sneer, said:"Why don't you speak, Mr. Buckingham? Did you hear what I asked you, ornot? Do take your thumb out of your mouth!"Mr. Buckingham, hereupon, gave a slight start, took his right thumb out ofthe left corner of his mouth, and, by way of indemnification inserted hisleft thumb in the right corner of the aperture above-mentioned.Not being able to get an answer from Mr. B., the figure turned peevishlyto Mr. Gliddon, and, in a peremptory tone, demanded in general terms whatwe all meant.Mr. Gliddon replied at great length, in phonetics; and but for thedeficiency of American printing-offices in hieroglyphical type, it wouldafford me much pleasure to record here, in the original, the whole of hisvery excellent speech.I may as well take this occasion to remark, that all the subsequentconversation in which the Mummy took a part, was carried on in primitiveEgyptian, through the medium (so far as concerned myself and otheruntravelled members of the company) -- through the medium, I say, ofMessieurs Gliddon and Buckingham, as interpreters. These gentlemen spokethe mother tongue of the Mummy with inimitable fluency and grace; but Icould not help observing that (owing, no doubt, to the introduction ofimages entirely modern, and, of course, entirely novel to the stranger)the two travellers were reduced, occasionally, to the employment ofsensible forms for the purpose of conveying a particular meaning. Mr.Gliddon, at one period, for example, could not make the Egyptiancomprehend the term "politics," until he sketched upon the wall, with abit of charcoal a little carbuncle-nosed gentleman, out at elbows,standing upon a stump, with his left leg drawn back, right arm thrownforward, with his fist shut, the eyes rolled up toward Heaven, and themouth open at an angle of ninety degrees. Just in the same way Mr.Buckingham failed to convey the absolutely modern idea "wig," until (atDoctor Ponnonner's suggestion) he grew very pale in the face, andconsented to take off his own.It will be readily understood that Mr. Gliddon's discourse turned chieflyupon the vast benefits accruing to science from the unrolling anddisembowelling of mummies; apologizing, upon this score, for anydisturbance that might have been occasioned him, in particular, theindividual Mummy called Allamistakeo; and concluding with a mere hint (forit could scarcely be considered more) that, as these little matters werenow explained, it might be as well to proceed with the investigationintended. Here Doctor Ponnonner made ready his instruments.In regard to the latter suggestions of the orator, it appears thatAllamistakeo had certain scruples of conscience, the nature of which I didnot distinctly learn; but he expressed himself satisfied with theapologies tendered, and, getting down from the table, shook hands with thecompany all round.When this ceremony was at an end, we immediately busied ourselves inrepairing the damages which our subject had sustained from the scalpel. Wesewed up the wound in his temple, bandaged his foot, and applied a squareinch of black plaster to the tip of his nose.It was now observed that the Count (this was the title, it seems, ofAllamistakeo) had a slight fit of shivering -- no doubt from the cold. TheDoctor immediately repaired to his wardrobe, and soon returned with ablack dress coat, made in Jennings' best manner, a pair of sky-blue plaidpantaloons with straps, a pink gingham chemise, a flapped vest of brocade,a white sack overcoat, a walking cane with a hook, a hat with no brim,patent-leather boots, straw-colored kid gloves, an eye-glass, a pair ofwhiskers, and a waterfall cravat. Owing to the disparity of size betweenthe Count and the doctor (the proportion being as two to one), there wassome little difficulty in adjusting these habiliments upon the person ofthe Egyptian; but when all was arranged, he might have been said to bedressed. Mr. Gliddon, therefore, gave him his arm, and led him to acomfortable chair by the fire, while the Doctor rang the bell upon thespot and ordered a supply of cigars and wine.The conversation soon grew animated. Much curiosity was, of course,expressed in regard to the somewhat remarkable fact of Allamistakeo'sstill remaining alive."I should have thought," observed Mr. Buckingham, "that it is high timeyou were dead.""Why," replied the Count, very much astonished, "I am little more thanseven hundred years old! My father lived a thousand, and was by no meansin his dotage when he died."Here ensued a brisk series of questions and computations, by means ofwhich it became evident that the antiquity of the Mummy had been grosslymisjudged. It had been five thousand and fifty years and some months sincehe had been consigned to the catacombs at Eleithias."But my remark," resumed Mr. Buckingham, "had no reference to your age atthe period of interment (I am willing to grant, in fact, that you arestill a young man), and my illusion was to the immensity of time duringwhich, by your own showing, you must have been done up in asphaltum.""In what?" said the Count."In asphaltum," persisted Mr. B."Ah, yes; I have some faint notion of what you mean; it might be made toanswer, no doubt -- but in my time we employed scarcely any thing elsethan the Bichloride of Mercury.""But what we are especially at a loss to understand," said DoctorPonnonner, "is how it happens that, having been dead and buried in Egyptfive thousand years ago, you are here to-day all alive and looking sodelightfully well.""Had I been, as you say, dead," replied the Count, "it is more thanprobable that dead, I should still be; for I perceive you are yet in theinfancy of Calvanism, and cannot accomplish with it what was a commonthing among us in the old days. But the fact is, I fell into catalepsy,and it was considered by my best friends that I was either dead or shouldbe; they accordingly embalmed me at once -- I presume you are aware of thechief principle of the embalming process?""Why not altogether.""Why, I perceive -- a deplorable condition of ignorance! Well I cannotenter into details just now: but it is necessary to explain that to embalm(properly speaking), in Egypt, was to arrest indefinitely all the animalfunctions subjected to the process. I use the word 'animal' in its widestsense, as including the physical not more than the moral and vital being.I repeat that the leading principle of embalmment consisted, with us, inthe immediately arresting, and holding in perpetual abeyance, all theanimal functions subjected to the process. To be brief, in whatevercondition the individual was, at the period of embalmment, in thatcondition he remained. Now, as it is my good fortune to be of the blood ofthe Scarabaeus, I was embalmed alive, as you see me at present.""The blood of the Scarabaeus!" exclaimed Doctor Ponnonner."Yes. The Scarabaeus was the insignium or the 'arms,' of a verydistinguished and very rare patrician family. To be 'of the blood of theScarabaeus,' is merely to be one of that family of which the Scarabaeus isthe insignium. I speak figuratively.""But what has this to do with you being alive?""Why, it is the general custom in Egypt to deprive a corpse, beforeembalmment, of its bowels and brains; the race of the Scarabaei alone didnot coincide with the custom. Had I not been a Scarabeus, therefore, Ishould have been without bowels and brains; and without either it isinconvenient to live.""I perceive that," said Mr. Buckingham, "and I presume that all the entiremummies that come to hand are of the race of Scarabaei.""Beyond doubt.""I thought," said Mr. Gliddon, very meekly, "that the Scarabaeus was oneof the Egyptian gods.""One of the Egyptian _what?"_ exclaimed the Mummy, starting to its feet."Gods!" repeated the traveller."Mr. Gliddon, I really am astonished to hear you talk in this style," saidthe Count, resuming his chair. "No nation upon the face of the earth hasever acknowledged more than one god. The Scarabaeus, the Ibis, etc., werewith us (as similar creatures have been with others) the symbols, ormedia, through which we offered worship to the Creator too august to bemore directly approached."There was here a pause. At length the colloquy was renewed by DoctorPonnonner."It is not improbable, then, from what you have explained," said he, "thatamong the catacombs near the Nile there may exist other mummies of theScarabaeus tribe, in a condition of vitality?""There can be no question of it," replied the Count; "all the Scarabaeiembalmed accidentally while alive, are alive now. Even some of thosepurposely so embalmed, may have been overlooked by their executors, andstill remain in the tomb.""Will you be kind enough to explain," I said, "what you mean by 'purposelyso embalmed'?""With great pleasure!" answered the Mummy, after surveying me leisurelythrough his eye-glass -- for it was the first time I had ventured toaddress him a direct question."With great pleasure," he said. "The usual duration of man's life, in mytime, was about eight hundred years. Few men died, unless by mostextraordinary accident, before the age of six hundred; few lived longerthan a decade of centuries; but eight were considered the natural term.After the discovery of the embalming principle, as I have alreadydescribed it to you, it occurred to our philosophers that a laudablecuriosity might be gratified, and, at the same time, the interests ofscience much advanced, by living this natural term in installments. In thecase of history, indeed, experience demonstrated that something of thiskind was indispensable. An historian, for example, having attained the ageof five hundred, would write a book with great labor and then get himselfcarefully embalmed; leaving instructions to his executors pro tem., thatthey should cause him to be revivified after the lapse of a certain period-- say five or six hundred years. Resuming existence at the expiration ofthis time, he would invariably find his great work converted into aspecies of hap-hazard note-book -- that is to say, into a kind of literaryarena for the conflicting guesses, riddles, and personal squabbles ofwhole herds of exasperated commentators. These guesses, etc., which passedunder the name of annotations, or emendations, were found so completely tohave enveloped, distorted, and overwhelmed the text, that the author hadto go about with a lantern to discover his own book. When discovered, itwas never worth the trouble of the search. After re-writing it throughout,it was regarded as the bounden duty of the historian to set himself towork immediately in correcting, from his own private knowledge andexperience, the traditions of the day concerning the epoch at which he hadoriginally lived. Now this process of re-scription and personalrectification, pursued by various individual sages from time to time, hadthe effect of preventing our history from degenerating into absolutefable.""I beg your pardon," said Doctor Ponnonner at this point, laying his handgently upon the arm of the Egyptian -- "I beg your pardon, sir, but may Ipresume to interrupt you for one moment?""By all means, sir," replied the Count, drawing up."I merely wished to ask you a question," said the Doctor. "You mentionedthe historian's personal correction of traditions respecting his ownepoch. Pray, sir, upon an average what proportion of these Kabbala wereusually found to be right?""The Kabbala, as you properly term them, sir, were generally discovered tobe precisely on a par with the facts recorded in the un-re-writtenhistories themselves; -- that is to say, not one individual iota of eitherwas ever known, under any circumstances, to be not totally and radicallywrong.""But since it is quite clear," resumed the Doctor, "that at least fivethousand years have elapsed since your entombment, I take it for grantedthat your histories at that period, if not your traditions weresufficiently explicit on that one topic of universal interest, theCreation, which took place, as I presume you are aware, only about tencenturies before.""Sir!" said the Count Allamistakeo.The Doctor repeated his remarks, but it was only after much additionalexplanation that the foreigner could be made to comprehend them. Thelatter at length said, hesitatingly:"The ideas you have suggested are to me, I confess, utterly novel. Duringmy time I never knew any one to entertain so singular a fancy as that theuniverse (or this world if you will have it so) ever had a beginning atall. I remember once, and once only, hearing something remotely hinted, bya man of many speculations, concerning the origin _of the human race;_ andby this individual, the very word _Adam_ (or Red Earth), which you makeuse of, was employed. He employed it, however, in a generical sense, withreference to the spontaneous germination from rank soil (just as athousand of the lower genera of creatures are germinated) -- thespontaneous germination, I say, of five vast hordes of men, simultaneouslyupspringing in five distinct and nearly equal divisions of the globe."Here, in general, the company shrugged their shoulders, and one or two ofus touched our foreheads with a very significant air. Mr. Silk Buckingham,first glancing slightly at the occiput and then at the sinciput ofAllamistakeo, spoke as follows:"The long duration of human life in your time, together with theoccasional practice of passing it, as you have explained, in installments,must have had, indeed, a strong tendency to the general development andconglomeration of knowledge. I presume, therefore, that we are toattribute the marked inferiority of the old Egyptians in all particularsof science, when compared with the moderns, and more especially with theYankees, altogether to the superior solidity of the Egyptian skull.""I confess again," replied the Count, with much suavity, "that I amsomewhat at a loss to comprehend you; pray, to what particulars of sciencedo you allude?"Here our whole party, joining voices, detailed, at great length, theassumptions of phrenology and the marvels of animal magnetism.Having heard us to an end, the Count proceeded to relate a few anecdotes,which rendered it evident that prototypes of Gall and Spurzheim hadflourished and faded in Egypt so long ago as to have been nearlyforgotten, and that the manoeuvres of Mesmer were really very contemptibletricks when put in collation with the positive miracles of the Thebansavans, who created lice and a great many other similar things.I here asked the Count if his people were able to calculate eclipses. Hesmiled rather contemptuously, and said they were.This put me a little out, but I began to make other inquiries in regard tohis astronomical knowledge, when a member of the company, who had never asyet opened his mouth, whispered in my ear, that for information on thishead, I had better consult Ptolemy (whoever Ptolemy is), as well as onePlutarch de facie lunae.I then questioned the Mummy about burning-glasses and lenses, and, ingeneral, about the manufacture of glass; but I had not made an end of myqueries before the silent member again touched me quietly on the elbow,and begged me for God's sake to take a peep at Diodorus Siculus. As forthe Count, he merely asked me, in the way of reply, if we modernspossessed any such microscopes as would enable us to cut cameos in thestyle of the Egyptians. While I was thinking how I should answer thisquestion, little Doctor Ponnonner committed himself in a veryextraordinary way."Look at our architecture!" he exclaimed, greatly to the indignation ofboth the travellers, who pinched him black and blue to no purpose."Look," he cried with enthusiasm, "at the Bowling-Green Fountain in NewYork! or if this be too vast a contemplation, regard for a moment theCapitol at Washington, D. C.!" -- and the good little medical man went onto detail very minutely, the proportions of the fabric to which hereferred. He explained that the portico alone was adorned with no lessthan four and twenty columns, five feet in diameter, and ten feet apart.The Count said that he regretted not being able to remember, just at thatmoment, the precise dimensions of any one of the principal buildings ofthe city of Aznac, whose foundations were laid in the night of Time, butthe ruins of which were still standing, at the epoch of his entombment, ina vast plain of sand to the westward of Thebes. He recollected, however,(talking of the porticoes,) that one affixed to an inferior palace in akind of suburb called Carnac, consisted of a hundred and forty-fourcolumns, thirty-seven feet in circumference, and twenty-five feet apart.The approach to this portico, from the Nile, was through an avenue twomiles long, composed of sphynxes, statues, and obelisks, twenty, sixty,and a hundred feet in height. The palace itself (as well as he couldremember) was, in one direction, two miles long, and might have beenaltogether about seven in circuit. Its walls were richly painted all over,within and without, with hieroglyphics. He would not pretend to assertthat even fifty or sixty of the Doctor's Capitols might have been builtwithin these walls, but he was by no means sure that two or three hundredof them might not have been squeezed in with some trouble. That palace atCarnac was an insignificant little building after all. He (the Count),however, could not conscientiously refuse to admit the ingenuity,magnificence, and superiority of the Fountain at the Bowling Green, asdescribed by the Doctor. Nothing like it, he was forced to allow, had everbeen seen in Egypt or elsewhere.I here asked the Count what he had to say to our railroads."Nothing," he replied, "in particular." They were rather slight, ratherill-conceived, and clumsily put together. They could not be compared, ofcourse, with the vast, level, direct, iron-grooved causeways upon whichthe Egyptians conveyed entire temples and solid obelisks of a hundred andfifty feet in altitude.I spoke of our gigantic mechanical forces.He agreed that we knew something in that way, but inquired how I shouldhave gone to work in getting up the imposts on the lintels of even thelittle palace at Carnac.This question I concluded not to hear, and demanded if he had any idea ofArtesian wells; but he simply raised his eyebrows; while Mr. Gliddonwinked at me very hard and said, in a low tone, that one had been recentlydiscovered by the engineers employed to bore for water in the Great Oasis.I then mentioned our steel; but the foreigner elevated his nose, and askedme if our steel could have executed the sharp carved work seen on theobelisks, and which was wrought altogether by edge-tools of copper.This disconcerted us so greatly that we thought it advisable to vary theattack to Metaphysics. We sent for a copy of a book called the "Dial," andread out of it a chapter or two about something that is not very clear,but which the Bostonians call the Great Movement of Progress.The Count merely said that Great Movements were awfully common things inhis day, and as for Progress, it was at one time quite a nuisance, but itnever progressed.We then spoke of the great beauty and importance of Democracy, and were atmuch trouble in impressing the Count with a due sense of the advantages weenjoyed in living where there was suffrage ad libitum, and no king.He listened with marked interest, and in fact seemed not a little amused.When we had done, he said that, a great while ago, there had occurredsomething of a very similar sort. Thirteen Egyptian provinces determinedall at once to be free, and to set a magnificent example to the rest ofmankind. They assembled their wise men, and concocted the most ingeniousconstitution it is possible to conceive. For a while they managedremarkably well; only their habit of bragging was prodigious. The thingended, however, in the consolidation of the thirteen states, with somefifteen or twenty others, in the most odious and insupportable despotismthat was ever heard of upon the face of the Earth.I asked what was the name of the usurping tyrant.As well as the Count could recollect, it was Mob.Not knowing what to say to this, I raised my voice, and deplored theEgyptian ignorance of steam.The Count looked at me with much astonishment, but made no answer. Thesilent gentleman, however, gave me a violent nudge in the ribs with hiselbows -- told me I had sufficiently exposed myself for once -- anddemanded if I was really such a fool as not to know that the modernsteam-engine is derived from the invention of Hero, through Solomon deCaus.We were now in imminent danger of being discomfited; but, as good luckwould have it, Doctor Ponnonner, having rallied, returned to our rescue,and inquired if the people of Egypt would seriously pretend to rival themoderns in the all- important particular of dress.The Count, at this, glanced downward to the straps of his pantaloons, andthen taking hold of the end of one of his coat-tails, held it up close tohis eyes for some minutes. Letting it fall, at last, his mouth extendeditself very gradually from ear to ear; but I do not remember that he saidany thing in the way of reply.Hereupon we recovered our spirits, and the Doctor, approaching the Mummywith great dignity, desired it to say candidly, upon its honor as agentleman, if the Egyptians had comprehended, at any period, themanufacture of either Ponnonner's lozenges or Brandreth's pills.We looked, with profound anxiety, for an answer -- but in vain. It was notforthcoming. The Egyptian blushed and hung down his head. Never wastriumph more consummate; never was defeat borne with so ill a grace.Indeed, I could not endure the spectacle of the poor Mummy'smortification. I reached my hat, bowed to him stiffly, and took leave.Upon getting home I found it past four o'clock, and went immediately tobed. It is now ten A.M. I have been up since seven, penning thesememoranda for the benefit of my family and of mankind. The former I shallbehold no more. My wife is a shrew. The truth is, I am heartily sick ofthis life and of the nineteenth century in general. I am convinced thatevery thing is going wrong. Besides, I am anxious to know who will bePresident in 2045. As soon, therefore, as I shave and swallow a cup ofcoffee, I shall just step over to Ponnonner's and get embalmed for acouple of hundred years.
Some Words with a Mummy was featured as
TheShort Story of the Day on
Tue, May 28, 2013
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