Stories Three
IFOR SIMLA REASONSSome people say that improbable things don't necessarily happen inIndia--but these people never find improbabilities anywhere. Thissounds clever, but you will at once perceive that it really meansthe opposite of what I intended to say. So we'll drop it. What Iam trying to tell you is that after Sparkley had that affair withMiss Millikens a singular change came over him. He grew abstractedand solitary,--holding dark seances with himself,--which was odd,as everybody knew he never cared a rap for the Millikens girl. Itwas even said that he was off his head--which is rhyme. But hisreason was undoubtedly affected, for he had been heard to mutterincoherently at the Club, and, strangest of all, to answerquestions THAT WERE NEVER ASKED! This was so awkward in thatBranch of the Civil Department of which he was a high official--where the rule was exactly the reverse--that he was presentlyinvalided on full pay! Then he disappeared. Clever people said itwas because the Department was afraid he had still much to answerfor; stupid people simply envied him.Mrs. Awksby, whom everybody knew had been the cause of breaking offthe match, was now wild to know the reason of Sparkley'sretirement. She attacked heaven and earth, and even went a stephigher--to the Viceroy. At the vice-regal ball I saw, behind thecurtains of a window, her rolling violet-blue eyes with a singularglitter in them. It was the reflection of the Viceroy's star,although the rest of his Excellency was hidden in the curtain. Iheard him saying, "Come now! really, now, you are--you know youare!" in reply to her cooing questioning. Then she made a dash atme and captured me."What did you hear?""Nothing I should not have heard.""Don't be like all the other men--you silly boy!" she answered. "Iwas only trying to find out something about Sparkley. And I willfind it out too," she said, clinching her thin little hand. "Andwhat's more," she added, turning on me suddenly, "YOU shall helpme!""I?" I said in surprise."Don't pretend!" she said poutingly. "You're too clever to believehe's cut up over the Millikens. No--it's something awful or--another woman! Now, if I knew as much of India as you do--andwasn't a woman, and could go where I liked--I'd go to Bungloore andfind him.""Oh! You have his address?" I said."Certainly! What did you expect I was behind the curtain with theViceroy for?" she said, opening her violet eyes innocently. "It'sBungloore--First Turning to the Right--At the End of the passage."Bungloore--near Ghouli Pass--in the Jungle! I knew the place, aspot of dank pestilence and mystery. "You never could have gonethere," I said."You do not know WHAT I could do for a FRIEND," she said sweetly,veiling her eyes in demure significance."Oh, come off the roof!" I said bluntly.She could be obedient when it was necessary. She came off. Notwithout her revenge. "Try to remember you are not at school withthe Stalkies," she said, and turned away.I went to Bungloore,--not on her account, but my own. If you don'tknow India, you won't know Bungloore. It's all that and more. Anegg dropped by a vulture, sat upon and addled by the Department.But I knew the house and walked boldly in. A lion walked out ofone door as I came in at another. We did this two or three times--and found it amusing. A large cobra in the hall rose up, bowed asI passed, and respectfully removed his hood.I found the poor old boy at the end of the passage. It might havebeen the passage between Calais and Dover,--he looked so green, solimp and dejected. I affected not to notice it, and threw myselfin a chair.He gazed at me for a moment and then said, "Did you hear what thechair was saying?"It was an ordinary bamboo armchair, and had creaked after the usualfashion of bamboo chairs. I said so.He cast his eyes to the ceiling. "He calls it 'creaking,'" hemurmured. "No matter," he continued aloud, "its remark was not ofa complimentary nature. It's very difficult to get really politefurniture."The man was evidently stark, staring mad. I still affected not toobserve it, and asked him if that was why he left Simla."There were Simla reasons, certainly," he replied. "But you thinkI came here for solitude! SOLITUDE!" he repeated, with a laugh."Why, I hold daily conversations with any blessed thing in thishouse, from the veranda to the chimney-stack, with any stick offurniture, from the footstool to the towel-horse. I get more outof it than the gabble at the Club. You look surprised. Listen! Itook this thing up in my leisure hours in the Department. I hadread much about the conversation of animals. I argued that ifanimals conversed, why shouldn't inanimate things communicate witheach other? You cannot prove that animals don't converse--neithercan you prove that inanimate objects DO NOT. See?"I was thunderstruck with the force of his logic."Of course," he continued, "there are degrees of intelligence, andthat makes it difficult. For instance, a mahogany table would nottalk like a rush-bottomed kitchen chair." He stopped suddenly,listened, and replied, "I really couldn't say.""I didn't speak," I said."I know YOU didn't. But your chair asked me 'how long that foolwas going to stay.' I replied as you heard. Pray don't move--Iintend to change that chair for one more accustomed to politesociety. To continue: I perfected myself in the language, and itwas awfully jolly at first. Whenever I went by train, I heard notonly all the engines said, but what every blessed carriage thought,that joined in the conversation. If you chaps only knew what rotthose whistles can get off! And as for the brakes, they can beatany mule driver in cursing. Then, after a time, it got rathermonotonous, and I took a short sea trip for my health. But, byJove, every blessed inch of the whole ship--from the screw to thebowsprit--had something to say, and the bad language used by thegarboard strake when the ship rolled was something too awful! Youdon't happen to know what the garboard strake is, do you?""No," I replied."No more do I. That's the dreadful thing about it. You've got tolisten to chaps that you don't know. Why, coming home on mybicycle the other day there was an awful row between some infernal'sprocket' and the 'ball bearings' of the machine, and I never knewbefore there were such things in the whole concern.I thought I had got at his secret, and said carelessly: "Then Isuppose this was the reason why you broke off your engagement withMiss Millikens?""Not at all," he said coolly. "Nothing to do with it. That isquite another affair. It's a very queer story; would you like tohear it?""By all means." I took out my notebook."You remember that night of the Amateur Theatricals, got up by theWhite Hussars, when the lights suddenly went out all over thehouse?""Yes," I replied, "I heard about it.""Well, I had gone down there that evening with the determination ofproposing to Mary Millikens the first chance that offered. She satjust in front of me, her sister Jane next, and her mother, smartWidow Millikens,--who was a bit larky on her own account, youremember,--the next on the bench. When the lights went out and thepanic and tittering began, I saw my chance! I leaned forward, andin a voice that would just reach Mary's ear I said, 'I have longwished to tell you how my life is bound up with you, dear, and Inever, never can be happy without you'--when just then there was amighty big shove down my bench from the fellows beyond me, who weretrying to get out. But I held on like grim death, and struggledback again into position, and went on: 'You'll forgive my taking achance like this, but I felt I could no longer conceal my love foryou,' when I'm blest if there wasn't another shove, and though I'dgot hold of her little hand and had a kind of squeeze in return, Iwas drifted away again and had to fight my way back. But I managedto finish, and said, 'If the devotion of a lifetime will atone forthis hurried avowal of my love for you, let me hope for aresponse,' and just then the infernal lights were turned on, andthere I was holding the widow's hand and she nestling on myshoulder, and the two girls in hysterics on the other side. Yousee, I never knew that they were shoved down on their bench everytime, just as I was, and of course when I got back to where I wasI'd just skipped one of them each time! Yes, sir! I had made thatproposal in THREE sections--a part to each girl, winding up withthe mother! No explanation was possible, and I left Simla nextday. Naturally, it wasn't a thing they could talk about, either!""Then you think Mrs. Awksby had nothing to do with it?" I said."Nothing--absolutely nothing. By the way, if you see that lady,you might tell her that I have possession of that brocade easy-chair which used to stand in the corner of her boudoir. Youremember it,--faded white and yellow, with one of the casters offand a little frayed at the back, but rather soft-spoken andamiable? But of course you don't understand THAT. I bought itafter she moved into her new bungalow.""But why should I tell her that?" I asked in wonder."Nothing--except that I find it very amusing with its reminiscencesof the company she used to entertain, and her confidencesgenerally. Good-by--take care of the lion in the hall. He alwayscouches on the left for a spring. Ta-ta!"I hurried away. When I returned to Simla I told Mrs. Awksby of mydiscoveries, and spoke of the armchair.I fancied she colored slightly, but quickly recovered."Dear old Sparkley," she said sweetly; "he WAS a champion liar!"
IIA PRIVATE'S HONORI had not seen Mulledwiney for several days. Knowing the man--thislooked bad. So I dropped in on the Colonel. I found him in deepthought. This looked bad, too, for old Cockey Wax--as he was knownto everybody in the Hill districts but himself--wasn't given tothinking. I guessed the cause and told him so."Yes," he said wearily, "you are right! It's the old story.Mulledwiney, Bleareyed, and Otherwise are at it again,--drinkfollowed by Clink. Even now two corporals and a private aresitting on Mulledwiney's head to keep him quiet, and Bleareyed ischained to an elephant.""Perhaps," I suggested, "you are unnecessarily severe.""Do you really think so? Thank you so much! I am always glad tohave a civilian's opinion on military matters--and vice versa--itbroadens one so! And yet--am I severe? I am willing, forinstance, to overlook their raid upon a native village, and theransom they demanded for a native inspector! I have overlookedtheir taking the horses out of my carriage for their own use. I amcontent also to believe that my fowls meekly succumb to junglefever and cholera. But there are some things I cannot ignore. Thecarrying off of the great god Vishnu from the Sacred Shrine atDucidbad by The Three for the sake of the priceless opals in itseyes"--"But I never heard of THAT," I interrupted eagerly. "Tell me.""Ah!" said the Colonel playfully, "that--as you so often and soamusingly say--is 'Another Story'! Yet I would have overlooked thetheft of the opals if they had not substituted two of the Queen'sregimental buttons for the eyes of the god. This, while it did notdeceive the ignorant priests, had a deep political and racialsignificance. You are aware, of course, that the great mutiny wasoccasioned by the issue of cartridges to the native troops greasedwith hog's fat--forbidden by their religion.""But these three men could themselves alone quell a mutiny," Ireplied.The Colonel grasped my hand warmly. "Thank you. So they could. Inever thought of that." He looked relieved. For all that, hepresently passed his hand over his forehead and nervously chewedhis cheroot."There is something else," I said."You are right. There is. It is a secret. Promise me it shall gono further--than the Press? Nay, swear that you will KEEP it forthe Press!""I promise.""Thank you SO much. It is a matter of my own and Mulledwiney's.The fact is, we have had a PERSONAL difficulty." He paused,glanced around him, and continued in a low, agitated voice:"Yesterday I came upon him as he was sitting leaning against thebarrack wall. In a spirit of playfulness--mere playfulness, Iassure you, sir--I poked him lightly in the shoulder with my stick,saying 'Boo!' He turned--and I shall never forget the look he gaveme.""Good heavens!" I gasped, "you touched--absolutely TOUCHED--Mulledwiney?""Yes," he said hurriedly, "I knew what you would say; it wasagainst the Queen's Regulations--and--there was his sensitivenature which shrinks from even a harsh word; but I did it, and ofcourse he has me in his power.""And you have touched him?" I repeated,--"touched his privatehonor!""Yes! But I shall atone for it! I have already arranged with himthat we shall have it out between ourselves alone, in the jungle,stripped to the buff, with our fists--Queensberry rules! I haven'tfought since I stood up against Spinks Major--you remember oldSpinks, now of the Bombay Offensibles?--at Eton." And the old boypluckily bared his skinny arm."It may be serious," I said."I have thought of that. I have a wife, several children, and anaged parent in England. If I fall, they must never know. You mustinvent a story for them. I have thought of cholera, but that isplayed out; you know we have already tried it on The Boy who wasThrown Away. Invent something quiet, peaceable and respectable--asfar removed from fighting as possible. What do you say tomeasles?""Not half bad," I returned."Measles let it be, then! Say I caught it from Wee Willie Winkie.You do not think it too incredible?" he added timidly."Not more than YOUR story," I said.He grasped my hand, struggling violently with his emotion. Then hestruggled with me--and I left hurriedly. Poor old boy! Thefuneral was well attended, however, and no one knew the truth, noteven myself.
IIIJUNGLE FOLKIt was high noon of a warm summer's day when Moo Kow came down tothe watering-place. Miaow, otherwise known as "Puskat"--thewarmth-loving one--was crouching on a limb that overhung the pool,sunning herself. Brer Rabbit--but that is Another Story by AnotherPerson.Three or four Gee Gees, already at the pool, moved away on theapproach of Moo Kow."Why do ye stand aside?" said the Moo Kow."Why do you say 'ye'?" said the Gee Gees together."Because it's more impressive than 'you.' Don't you know that allanimals talk that way in English?" said the Moo Kow."And they also say 'thou,' and don't you forget it!" interruptedMiaow from the tree. "I learnt that from a Man Cub."The animals were silent. They did not like Miaow's slang, and werejealous of her occasionally sitting on a Man Cub's lap. Once Dun-kee, a poor relation of the Gee Gees, had tried it on,disastrously--but that is also Another and a more Aged Story."We are ridden by The English--please to observe the Capitalletters," said Pi Bol, the leader of the Gee Gees, proudly. "Theyare a mighty race who ride anything and everybody. D'ye mind that--I mean, look ye well to it!""What should they know of England who only England know?" saidMiaow."Is that a conundrum?" asked the Moo Kow."No; it's poetry," said the Miaow."I know England," said Pi Bol prancingly. "I used to go from theBank to Islington three times a day--I mean," he added hurriedly,"before I became a screw--I should say, a screw-gun horse.""And I," said the Moo Kow, "am terrible. When the young women andchildren in the village see me approach they fly shriekingly. Mypresence alone has scattered their sacred festival--The Sundes KoolPiknik. I strike terror to their inmost souls, and am more fearedby them than even Kreep-mows, the insidious! And yet, behold! Ihave taken the place of the mothers of men, and I have nourishedthe mighty ones of the earth! But that," said the Moo Kow, turningher head aside bashfully, "that is Anudder Story."A dead silence fell on the pool."And I," said Miaow, lifting up her voice, "I am the horror andhaunter of the night season. When I pass like the night wind overthe roofs of the houses men shudder in their beds and tremble.When they hear my voice as I creep stealthily along their balconiesthey cry to their gods for succor. They arise, and from theirwindows they offer me their priceless household treasures--thesacred vessels dedicated to their great god Shiv--which they call'Shivin Mugs'--the Kloes Brosh, the Boo-jak, urging me to fly them!And yet," said Miaow mournfully, "it is but my love-song! Think yewhat they would do if I were on the war-path."Another dead silence fell on the pool. Then arose that strange,mysterious, indefinable Thing, known as "The Scent." The animalssniffed."It heralds the approach of the Stalkies--the most famous ofBritish Skool Boaz," said the Moo Kow. "They have just placed adecaying guinea-pig, two white mice in an advanced state ofdecomposition, and a single slice of Limburger cheese in the bed oftheir tutor. They had previously skillfully diverted the drains sothat they emptied into the drawing-room of the head-master. Theyhave just burned down his house in an access of noble zeal, and arefighting among themselves for the spoil. Hark! do ye hear them?"A wild medley of shrieks and howls had arisen, and an irregular mobof strange creatures swept out of the distance toward the pool.Some were like pygmies, some had bloody noses. Their talkconsisted of feverish, breathless ejaculations,--a gibberish inwhich the words "rot," "oach," and "giddy" were preeminent. Somewere exciting themselves by chewing a kind of "bhang" made from theplant called pappahmint; others had their faces streaked with djam."But who is this they are ducking in the pool?" asked Pi Bol."It is one who has foolishly and wantonly conceived that hisparents have sent him here to study," said the Moo Kow; "but thatis against the rules of the Stalkies, who accept study only as apunishment.""Then these be surely the 'Bander Log'--the monkey folk--of whomthe good Rhuddyidd has told us," said a Gee Gee--"the ones who haveno purpose--and forget everything.""Fool!" said the Moo Kow. "Know ye not that the great Rhuddyiddhas said that the Stalkies become Major-Generals, V. C.'s, and C.B's of the English? Truly, they are great. Look now; ye shall seeone of the greatest traits of the English Stalky."One of the pygmy Stalkies was offering a bun to a larger one, whohesitated, but took it coldly."Behold! it is one of the greatest traits of this mighty race notto show any emotion. He WOULD take the bun--he HAS taken it! Heis pleased--but he may not show it. Observe him eat."The taller Stalky, after eating the bun, quietly kicked the giver,knocked off his hat, and turned away with a calm, immovable face."Good!" said the Moo Kow. "Ye would not dream that he wasabsolutely choking with grateful emotion?""We would not," said the animals."But why are they all running back the way they came?" asked PiBol."They are going back to punishment. Great is its power. Have yenot heard the gospel of Rhuddyidd the mighty? 'Force iseverything! Gentleness won't wash, courtesy is deceitful.Politeness is foreign. Be ye beaten that ye may beat. Pass thekick on.'"But here he was interrupted by the appearance of three soldiers whowere approaching the watering-place."Ye are now," said the Moo Kow, "with the main guard. The first isBleareyed, who carries a raven in a cage, which he has stolen fromthe wife of a deputy commissioner. He will paint the bird snowwhite and sell it as a dove to the same lady. The second isOtherwise, who is dragging a small garden engine, of which he hasdespoiled a native gardener, whom he has felled with a single blow.The third is Mulledwiney, swinging a cut-glass decanter of sherrywhich he has just snatched from the table of his colonel.Mulledwiney and Otherwise will play the engine upon Bleareyed, whois suffering from heat apoplexy and djim-djams."The three soldiers seated themselves in the pool."They are going to tell awful war stories now," said the Moo Kow,"stories that are large and strong! Some people are shocked--others like 'em."Then he that was called Mulledwiney told a story. In the middle ofit Miaow got up from the limb of the tree, coughed slightly, andput her paw delicately over her mouth. "You must excuse me," shesaid faintly. "I am taken this way sometimes--and I have left mysalts at home. Thanks! I can get down myself!" The next momentshe had disappeared, but was heard coughing in the distance.Mulledwiney winked at his companions and continued his story:--"Wid that we wor in the thick av the foight. Whin I say 'thick' Imane it, sorr! We wor that jammed together, divil a bit cud weshoot or cut! At fur-rest, I had lashed two mushkits together widthe baynits out so, like a hay fork, and getting the haymaker'slift on thim, I just lifted two Paythians out--one an aych baynit--and passed 'em, aisy-like, over me head to the rear rank for themto finish. But what wid the blud gettin' into me ois, I wasblinded, and the pressure kept incraysin' until me arrums wasthrussed like a fowl to me sides, and sorra a bit cud I move but mejaws!""And bloomin' well you knew how to use them," said Otherwise."Thrue for you--though ye don't mane it!" said Mulledwiney,playfully tapping Otherwise on the head with a decanter till thecut glass slowly shivered. "So, begorra! there wor nothing leftfor me to do but to ATE thim! Wirra! but it was the crooelworruk.""Excuse me, my lord," interrupted the gasping voice of Pi Bol as hebegan to back from the pool, "I am but a horse, I know, and beingbuilt in that way--naturally have the stomach of one--yet, really,my lord, this--er"-- And his voice was gone.The next moment he had disappeared. Mulledwiney looked around withaffected concern."Save us! But we've cleaned out the Jungle! Sure, there's not abaste left but ourselves!"It was true. The watering-place was empty. Moo Kow, Miaow, andthe Gee Gees had disappeared. Presently there was a booming crashand a long, deep rumbling among the distant hills. Then they knewthey were near the old Moulmein Pagoda, and the dawn had come uplike thunder out of China 'cross the bay. It always came up thatway there. The strain was too great, and day was actuallybreaking.
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