The Angel of the Odd

by Edgar Allan Poe

　　It was a chilly November afternoon. I had just consummated anunusually hearty dinner, of which the dyspeptic truffe formed notthe least important item, and was sitting alone in the dining-roomwith my feet upon the fender and at my elbow a small table which I hadrolled up to the fire, and upon which were some apologies for dessert,with some miscellaneous bottles of wine, spirit, and liqueur. In themorning I had been reading Glover's Leonidas, Wilkie's Epigoniad,Lamartine's Pilgrimage, Barlow's Columbiad, Tuckerman's Sicily,and Griswold's Curiosities, I am willing to confess, therefore, thatI now felt a little stupid. I made effort to arouse myself by frequentaid of Lafitte, and all failing, I betook myself to a stray newspaperin despair. Having carefully perused the column of "Houses to let,"and the column of "Dogs lost," and then the columns of "Wives andapprentices runaway," I attacked with great resolution the editorialmatter, and reading it from beginning to end without understanding asyllable, conceived the possibility of its being Chinese, and sore-read it from the end to the beginning, but with no moresatisfactory result. I was about throwing away in disgustThis folio of four pages, happy workWhich not even critics criticise,when I felt my attention somewhat aroused by the paragraph whichfollows:"The avenues to death are numerous and strange. A London papermentions the decease of a person from a singular cause. He was playingat 'puff the dart,' which is played with a long needle inserted insome worsted, and blown at a target through a tin tube. He placed theneedle at the wrong end of the tube, and drawing his breath stronglyto puff the dart forward with force, drew the needle into his throat.It entered the lungs, and in a few days killed him."Upon seeing this I fell into a great rage, without exactly knowingwhy. "This thing," I exclaimed, "is a contemptible falsehood--a poorhoax--the lees of the invention of some pitiable penny-a-liner, ofsome wretched concocter of accidents in Cocaigne. These fellowsknowing the extravagant gullibility of the age set their wits to workin the imagination of improbable possibilities, of odd accidents asthey term them, but to a reflecting intellect (like mine, I added, inparenthesis, putting my forefinger unconsciously to the side of mynose), to a contemplative understanding such as I myself possess, itseems evident at once that the marvelous increase of late in these'odd accidents' is by far the oddest accident of all. For my own part,I intend to believe nothing henceforward that has anything of the'singular' about it.""Mein Gott, den, vat a vool you bees for dat!" replied one of the mostremarkable voices I ever heard. At first I took it for a rumbling inmy ears--such as a man sometimes experiences when getting verydrunk--but upon second thought, I considered the sound as more nearlyresembling that which proceeds from an empty barrel beaten with a bigstick; and, in fact, this I should have concluded it to be, but forthe articulation of the syllables and words. I am by no meansnaturally nervous, and the very few glasses of Lafitte which I hadsipped served to embolden me a little, so that I felt nothing oftrepidation, but merely uplifted my eyes with a leisurely movement andlooked carefully around the room for the intruder. I could not,however, perceive any one at all."Humph!" resumed the voice as I continued my survey, "you mus pe sodronk as de pig den for not zee me as I zit here at your zide."Hereupon I bethought me of looking immediately before my nose, andthere, sure enough, confronting me at the table sat a personagenondescript, although not altogether indescribable. His body was awine-pipe or a rum puncheon, or something of that character, and had atruly Falstaffian air. In its nether extremity were inserted two kegs,which seemed to answer all the purposes of legs. For arms theredangled from the upper portion of the carcass two tolerably longbottles with the necks outward for hands. All the head that I saw themonster possessed of was one of those Hessian canteens which resemblea large snuff-box with a hole in the middle of the lid. This canteen(with a funnel on its top like a cavalier cap slouched over the eyes)was set on edge upon the puncheon, with the hole toward myself; andthrough this hole, which seemed puckered up like the mouth of a veryprecise old maid, the creature was emitting certain rumbling andgrumbling noises which he evidently intended for intelligible talk."I zay," said he, "you mos pe dronk as de pig, vor zit dare and notzee me zit ere; and I zay, doo, you mos pe pigger vool as de goose,vor to dispelief vat iz print in de print. 'Tiz de troof--dat itiz--ebery vord ob it.""Who are you, pray?" said I with much dignity, although somewhatpuzzled; "how did you get here? and what is it you are talking about?""As vor ow I com'd ere," replied the figure, "dat iz none of yourpizziness; and as vor vat I be talking apout, I be talk apout vat Itink proper; and as vor who I be, vy dat is de very ting I com'd herefor to let you zee for yourself.""You are a drunken vagabond," said I, "and I shall ring the bell andorder my footman to kick you into the street.""He! he! he!" said the fellow, "hu! hu! hu! dat you can't do.""Can't do!" said I, "what do you mean? I can't do what?""Ring de pell," he replied, attempting a grin with his littlevillainous mouth.Upon this I made an effort to get up in order to put my threat intoexecution, but the ruffian just reached across the table verydeliberately, and hitting me a tap on the forehead with the neck ofone of the long bottles, knocked me back into the armchair from whichI had half arisen. I was utterly astounded, and for a moment was quiteat a loss what to do. In the meantime he continued his talk."You zee," said he, "it iz te bess vor zit still; and now you shallknow who I pe. Look at me! zee! I am te Angel ov te Odd.""And odd enough, too," I ventured to reply; "but I was always underthe impression that an angel had wings.""Te wing!" he cried, highly incensed, "vat I pe do mit te wing? MeinGott! do you take me for a shicken?""No--oh, no!" I replied, much alarmed; "you are no chicken--certainlynot.""Well, den, zit still and pehabe yourself, or I'll rap you again midme vist. It iz te shicken ab te wing, und te owl ab te wing, und teimp ab te wing, und te head-teuffel ab te wing. Te angel ab not tewing, and I am te Angel ov te Odd.""And your business with me at present is--is----""My pizziness!" ejaculated the thing, "vy vat a low-bred puppy you mospe vor to ask a gentleman und an angel apout his pizziness!"This language was rather more than I could bear, even from an angel;so, plucking up courage, I seized a salt-cellar which lay withinreach, and hurled it at the head of the intruder. Either he dodged,however, or my aim was inaccurate; for all I accomplished was thedemolition of the crystal which protected the dial of the clock uponthe mantelpiece. As for the Angel, he evinced his sense of my assaultby giving me two or three hard, consecutive raps upon the forehead asbefore. These reduced me at once to submission, and I am almostashamed to confess that, either through pain or vexation, there came afew tears into my eyes."Mein Gott!" said the Angel of the Odd, apparently much softened at mydistress; "mein Gott, te man is eder ferry dronk or ferry zorry. Youmos not trink it so strong--you mos put te water in te wine. Here,trink dis, like a good veller, and don't gry now--don't!"Hereupon the Angel of the Odd replenished my goblet (which was about athird full of port) with a colorless fluid that he poured from one ofhis hand-bottles. I observed that these bottles had labels about theirnecks, and that these labels were inscribed "Kirschenwaesser."The considerate kindness of the Angel mollified me in no littlemeasure; and, aided by the water with which he diluted my port morethan once, I at length regained sufficient temper to listen to hisvery extraordinary discourse. I cannot pretend to recount all that hetold me, but I gleaned from what he said that he was a genius whopresided over the contretemps of mankind, and whose business it wasto bring about the odd accidents which are continually astonishingthe skeptic. Once or twice, upon my venturing to express my totalincredulity in respect to his pretensions, he grew very angry indeed,so that at length I considered it the wiser policy to say nothing atall, and let him have his own way. He talked on, therefore, at greatlength, while I merely leaned back in my chair with my eyes shut, andamused myself with munching raisins and filiping the stems about theroom. But, by and by, the Angel suddenly construed this behavior ofmine into contempt. He arose in a terrible passion, slouched hisfunnel down over his eyes, swore a vast oath, uttered a threat of somecharacter, which I did not precisely comprehend, and finally made me alow bow and departed, wishing me, in the language of the archbishop in"Gil Bias," beaucoup de bonheur et un peu plus de bon sens.His departure afforded me relief. The very few glasses of Lafittethat I had sipped had the effect of rendering me drowsy, and I feltinclined to take a nap of some fifteen or twenty minutes, as is mycustom after dinner. At six I had an appointment of consequence, whichit was quite indispensable that I should keep. The policy of insurancefor my dwelling-house had expired the day before; and some disputehaving arisen it was agreed that, at six, I should meet the board ofdirectors of the company and settle the terms of a renewal. Glancingupward at the clock on the mantelpiece (for I felt too drowsy to takeout my watch), I had the pleasure to find that I had still twenty-fiveminutes to spare. It was half-past five; I could easily walk to theinsurance office in five minutes; and my usual siestas had never beenknown to exceed five-and-twenty. I felt sufficiently safe, therefore,and composed myself to my slumbers forthwith.Having completed them to my satisfaction, I again looked toward thetimepiece, and was half inclined to believe in the possibility of oddaccidents when I found that, instead of my ordinary fifteen or twentyminutes, I had been dozing only three; for it still wantedseven-and-twenty of the appointed hour. I betook myself again to mynap, and at length a second time awoke, when, to my utter amazement,it still wanted twenty-seven minutes of six. I jumped up to examinethe clock, and found that it had ceased running. My watch informed methat it was half-past seven; and, of course, having slept two hours, Iwas too late for my appointment. "It will make no difference," I said:"I can call at the office in the morning and apologize; in themeantime what can be the matter with the clock?" Upon examining it Idiscovered that one of the raisin stems which I had been filipingabout the room during the discourse of the Angel of the Odd had flownthrough the fractured crystal, and lodging, singularly enough, in thekeyhole, with an end projecting outward, had thus arrested therevolution of the minute hand."Ah!" said I, "I see how it is. This thing speaks for itself. Anatural accident, such as will happen now and then!"I gave the matter no further consideration, and at my usual hourretired to bed. Here, having placed a candle upon a reading stand atthe bed head, and having made an attempt to peruse some pages of theOmnipresence of the Deity, I unfortunately fell asleep in less thantwenty seconds, leaving the light burning as it was.My dreams were terrifically disturbed by visions of the Angel of theOdd. Methought he stood at the foot of the couch, drew aside thecurtains, and in the hollow, detestable tones of a rum puncheon,menaced me with the bitterest vengeance for the contempt with which Ihad treated him. He concluded a long harangue by taking off hisfunnel-cap, inserting the tube into my gullet, and thus deluging mewith an ocean of Kirschenwaesser, which he poured in a continuousflood, from one of the long-necked bottles that stood him instead ofan arm. My agony was at length insufferable, and I awoke just in timeto perceive that a rat had run off with the lighted candle from thestand, but not in season to prevent his making his escape with itthrough the hole, Very soon a strong, suffocating odor assailed mynostrils; the house, I clearly perceived, was on fire. In a fewminutes the blaze broke forth with violence, and in an incrediblybrief period the entire building was wrapped in flames. All egressfrom my chamber, except through a window, was cut off. The crowd,however, quickly procured and raised a long ladder. By means of this Iwas descending rapidly, and in apparent safety, when a huge hog, aboutwhose rotund stomach, and indeed about whose whole air andphysiognomy, there was something which reminded me of the Angel of theOdd--when this hog, I say, which hitherto had been quietly slumberingin the mud, took it suddenly into his head that his left shoulderneeded scratching, and could find no more convenient rubbing-post thanthat afforded by the foot of the ladder. In an instant I wasprecipitated, and had the misfortune to fracture my arm.This accident, with the loss of my insurance, and with the moreserious loss of my hair, the whole of which had been singed off by thefire, predisposed me to serious impressions, so that finally I made upmy mind to take a wife. There was a rich widow disconsolate for theloss of her seventh husband, and to her wounded spirit I offered thebalm of my vows. She yielded a reluctant consent to my prayers. Iknelt at her feet in gratitude and adoration. She blushed and bowedher luxuriant tresses into close contact with those supplied metemporarily by Grandjean. I know not how the entanglement took placebut so it was. I arose with a shining pate, wigless; she in disdainand wrath, half-buried in alien hair. Thus ended my hopes of the widowby an accident which could not have been anticipated, to be sure, butwhich the natural sequence of events had brought about.Without despairing, however, I undertook the siege of a lessimplacable heart. The fates were again propitious for a brief period,but again a trivial incident interfered. Meeting my betrothed in anavenue thronged with the elite of the city, I was hastening to greether with one of my best considered bows, when a small particle of someforeign matter lodging in the corner of my eye rendered me for themoment completely blind. Before I could recover my sight, the lady ofmy love had disappeared--irreparably affronted at what she chose toconsider my premeditated rudeness in passing her by ungreeted. While Istood bewildered at the suddenness of this accident (which might havehappened, nevertheless, to any one under the sun), and while I stillcontinued incapable of sight, I was accosted by the Angel of the Odd,who proffered me his aid with a civility which I had no reason toexpect. He examined my disordered eye with much gentleness and skill,informed me that I had a drop in it, and (whatever a "drop" was) tookit out, and afforded me relief.I now considered it high time to die (since fortune had so determinedto persecute me), and accordingly made my way to the nearest river.Here, divesting myself of my clothes (for there is no reason why wecannot die as we were born), I threw myself headlong into the current;the sole witness of my fate being a solitary crow that had beenseduced into the eating of brandy-saturated corn, and so had staggeredaway from his fellows. No sooner had I entered the water than thisbird took it into his head to fly away with the most indispensableportion of my apparel. Postponing, therefore, for the present, mysuicidal design, I just slipped my nether extremities into the sleevesof my coat, and betook myself to a pursuit of the felon with all thenimbleness which the case required and its circumstances would admit.But my evil destiny attended me still. As I ran at full speed, with mynose up in the atmosphere, and intent only upon the purloiner of myproperty, I suddenly perceived that my feet rested no longer uponterra firma; the fact is, I had thrown myself over a precipice, andshould inevitably have been dashed to pieces but for my good fortunein grasping the end of a long guide-rope, which depended from apassing balloon.As soon as I sufficiently recovered my senses to comprehend theterrific predicament in which I stood, or rather hung, I exerted allthe power of my lungs to make that predicament known to the aeronautoverhead. But for a long time I exerted myself in vain. Either thefool could not, or the villain would not perceive me. Meanwhile themachine rapidly soared, while my strength even more rapidly failed. Iwas soon upon the point of resigning myself to my fate, and droppingquietly into the sea, when my spirits were suddenly revived by hearinga hollow voice from above, which seemed to be lazily humming an operaair. Looking up, I perceived the Angel of the Odd. He was leaning,with his arms folded, over the rim of the car; and with a pipe in hismouth, at which he puffed leisurely, seemed to be upon excellent termswith himself and the universe. I was too much exhausted to speak, so Imerely regarded him with an imploring air.For several minutes, although he looked me full in the face, he saidnothing. At length, removing carefully his meerschaum from the rightto the left corner of his mouth, he condescended to speak."Who pe you," he asked, "und what der teuffel you pe do dare?"To this piece of impudence, cruelty, and affectation, I could replyonly by ejaculating the monosyllable "Help!""Elp!" echoed the ruffian, "not I. Dare iz te pottle--elp yourself,und pe tam'd!"With these words he let fall a heavy bottle of Kirschenwaesser, which,dropping precisely upon the crown of my head, caused me to imaginethat my brains were entirely knocked out. Impressed with this idea Iwas about to relinquish my hold and give up the ghost with a goodgrace, when I was arrested by the cry of the Angel, who bade me holdon."'Old on!" he said: "don't pe in te 'urry--don't. Will you pe take deodder pottle, or 'ave you pe got zober yet, and come to your zenzes?"I made haste, hereupon, to nod my head twice--once in the negative,meaning thereby that I would prefer not taking the other bottle atpresent; and once in the affirmative, intending thus to imply that Iwas sober and had positively come to my senses. By these means Isomewhat softened the Angel."Und you pelief, ten," he inquired, "at te last? You pelief, ten, inte possibility of te odd?"I again nodded my head in assent."Und you ave pelief in me, te Angel of te Odd?"I nodded again."Und you acknowledge tat you pe te blind dronk und te vool?"I nodded once more."Put your right hand into your left preeches pocket, ten, in token ovyour vull zubmizzion unto te Angel ov te Odd."This thing, for very obvious reasons, I found it quite impossible todo. In the first place, my left arm had been broken in my fall fromthe ladder, and therefore, had I let go my hold with the right hand Imust have let go altogether. In the second place, I could have nobreeches until I came across the crow. I was therefore obliged, muchto my regret, to shake my head in the negative, intending thus to givethe Angel to understand that I found it inconvenient, just at thatmoment, to comply with his very reasonable demand! No sooner, however,had I ceased shaking my head than--"Go to der teuffel, ten!" roared the Angel of the Odd.In pronouncing these words he drew a sharp knife across the guide-ropeby which I was suspended, and as we then happened to be precisely overmy own house (which, during my peregrinations, had been handsomelyrebuilt), it so occurred that I tumbled headlong down the amplechimney and alit upon the dining-room hearth.Upon coming to my senses (for the fall had very thoroughly stunned me)I found it about four o'clock in the morning. I lay outstretched whereI had fallen from the balloon. My head groveled in the ashes of anextinguished fire, while my feet reposed upon the wreck of a smalltable, overthrown, and amid the fragments of a miscellaneous dessert,intermingled with a newspaper, some broken glasses and shatteredbottles, and an empty jug of the Schiedam Kirschenwaesser. Thusrevenged himself the Angel of the Odd.