The Colonel's Ideas

by Guy de Maupassant

　　"Upon my word," said Colonel Laporte, "although I am old and gouty, mylegs as stiff as two pieces of wood, yet if a pretty woman were to tellme to go through the eye of a needle, I believe I should take a jump atit, like a clown through a hoop. I shall die like that; it is in theblood. I am an old beau, one of the old school, and the sight of awoman, a pretty woman, stirs me to the tips of my toes. There!"We are all very much alike in France in this respect; we still remainknights, knights of love and fortune, since God has been abolished whosebodyguard we really were. But nobody can ever get woman out of ourhearts; there she is, and there she will remain, and we love her, andshall continue to love her, and go on committing all kinds of follies onher account as long as there is a France on the map of Europe; and evenif France were to be wiped off the map, there would always be Frenchmenleft."When I am in the presence of a woman, of a pretty woman, I feel capableof anything. By Jove! when I feel her looks penetrating me, herconfounded looks which set your blood on fire, I should like to do Idon't know what; to fight a duel, to have a row, to smash the furniture,in order to show that I am the strongest, the bravest, the most daringand the most devoted of men."But I am not the only one, certainly not; the whole French army is likeme, I swear to you. From the common soldier to the general, we all startout, from the van to the rear guard, when there is a woman in the case, apretty woman. Do you remember what Joan of Arc made us do formerly?Come. I will make a bet that if a pretty woman had taken command of thearmy on the eve of Sedan, when Marshal MacMahon was wounded, we shouldhave broken through the Prussian lines, by Jove! and had a drink out oftheir guns."It was not a Trochu, but a Sainte-Genevieve, who was needed in Paris;and I remember a little anecdote of the war which proves that we arecapable of everything in presence of a woman."I was a captain, a simple captain, at the time, and I was in command ofa detachment of scouts, who were retreating through a district whichswarmed with Prussians. We were surrounded, pursued, tired out and halfdead with fatigue and hunger, but we were bound to reach Bar-sur-Tainbefore the morrow, otherwise we should be shot, cut down, massacred. Ido not know how we managed to escape so far. However, we had ten leaguesto go during the night, ten leagues through the night, ten leaguesthrough the snow, and with empty stomachs, and I thought to myself:"'It is all over; my poor devils of fellows will never be able to do it.'"We had eaten nothing since the day before, and the whole day long weremained hidden in a barn, huddled close together, so as not to feel thecold so much, unable to speak or even move, and sleeping by fits andstarts, as one does when worn out with fatigue."It was dark by five o'clock, that wan darkness of the snow, and I shookmy men. Some of them would not get up; they were almost incapable ofmoving or of standing upright; their joints were stiff from cold andhunger."Before us there was a large expanse of flat, bare country; the snow wasstill falling like a curtain, in large, white flakes, which concealedeverything under a thick, frozen coverlet, a coverlet of frozen wool Onemight have thought that it was the end of the world."'Come, my lads, let us start.'"They looked at the thick white flakes that were coming down, and theyseemed to think: 'We have had enough of this; we may just as well diehere!' Then I took out my revolver and said:"'I will shoot the first man who flinches.' And so they set off, but veryslowly, like men whose legs were of very little use to them, and I sentfour of them three hundred yards ahead to scout, and the others followedpell-mell, walking at random and without any order. I put the strongestin the rear, with orders to quicken the pace of the sluggards with thepoints of their bayonets in the back."The snow seemed as if it were going to bury us alive; it powdered ourkepis and cloaks without melting, and made phantoms of us, a kind ofspectres of dead, weary soldiers. I said to myself: 'We shall never getout of this except by a, miracle.'"Sometimes we had to stop for a few minutes, on account of those whocould not follow us, and then we heard nothing except the falling snow,that vague, almost undiscernible sound made by the falling flakes. Someof the men shook themselves, others did not move, and so I gave the orderto set off again. They shouldered their rifles, and with weary feet weresumed our march, when suddenly the scouts fell back. Something hadalarmed them; they had heard voices in front of them. I sent forward sixmen and a sergeant and waited."All at once a shrill cry, a woman's cry, pierced through the heavysilence of the snow, and in a few minutes they brought back twoprisoners, an old man and a girl, whom I questioned in a low voice. Theywere escaping from the Prussians, who had occupied their house during theevening and had got drunk. The father was alarmed on his daughter'saccount, and, without even telling their servants, they had made theirescape in the darkness. I saw immediately that they belonged to thebetter class. I invited them to accompany us, and we started off again,the old man who knew the road acting as our guide."It had ceased snowing, the stars appeared and the cold became intense.The girl, who was leaning on her father's arm, walked unsteadily asthough in pain, and several times she murmured:"'I have no feeling at all in my feet'; and I suffered more than she didto see that poor little woman dragging herself like that through thesnow. But suddenly she stopped and said:"'Father, I am so tired that I cannot go any further.'"The old man wanted to carry her, but he could not even lift her up, andshe sank to the ground with a deep sigh. We all gathered round her, and,as for me, I stamped my foot in perplexity, not knowing what to do, andbeing unwilling to abandon that man and girl like that, when suddenly oneof the soldiers, a Parisian whom they had nicknamed Pratique, said:"'Come, comrades, we must carry the young lady, otherwise we shall notshow ourselves Frenchmen, confound it!'"I really believe that I swore with pleasure. 'That is very good of you,my children,' I said; 'and I will take my share of the burden.'"We could indistinctly see, through the darkness, the trees of a littlewood on the left. Several of the men went into it, and soon came backwith a bundle of branches made into a litter."'Who will lend his cape? It is for a pretty girl, comrades,' Pratiquesaid, and ten cloaks were thrown to him. In a moment the girl was lying,warm and comfortable, among them, and was raised upon six shoulders. Iplaced myself at their head, on the right, well pleased with my position."We started off much more briskly, as if we had had a drink of wine, andI even heard some jokes. A woman is quite enough to electrify Frenchmen,you see. The soldiers, who had become cheerful and warm, had almostreformed their ranks, and an old 'franc-tireur' who was following thelitter, waiting for his turn to replace the first of his comrades whomight give out, said to one of his neighbors, loud enough for me to hear:"'I am not a young man now, but by ---, there is nothing like the womento put courage into you!'"We went on, almost without stopping, until three o'clock in the morning,when suddenly our scouts fell back once more, and soon the wholedetachment showed nothing but a vague shadow on the ground, as the menlay on the snow. I gave my orders in a low voice, and heard the harsh,metallic sound of the cocking, of rifles. For there, in the middle ofthe plain, some strange object was moving about. It looked like someenormous animal running about, now stretching out like a serpent, nowcoiling itself into a ball, darting to the right, then to the left, thenstopping, and presently starting off again. But presently that wanderingshape came nearer, and I saw a dozen lancers at full gallop, one behindthe other. They had lost their way and were trying to find it."They were so near by that time that I could hear the loud breathing oftheir horses, the clinking of their swords and the creaking of theirsaddles, and cried: 'Fire!'"Fifty rifle shots broke the stillness of the night, then there were fouror five reports, and at last one single shot was heard, and when thesmoke had cleared away, we saw that the twelve men and nine horses hadfallen. Three of the animals were galloping away at a furious pace, andone of them was dragging the dead body of its rider, which reboundedviolently from the ground; his foot had caught in the stirrup."One of the soldiers behind me gave a terrible laugh and said: 'Therewill be some widows there!'"Perhaps he was married. A third added: 'It did not take long!'"A head emerged from the litter."'What is the matter?' she asked; 'are you fighting?'"'It is nothing, mademoiselle,' I replied; 'we have got rid of a dozenPrussians!'"'Poor fellows!' she said. But as she was cold, she quickly disappearedbeneath the cloaks again, and we started off once more. We marched onfor a long time, and at last the sky began to grow lighter. The snowbecame quite clear, luminous and glistening, and a rosy tint appeared inthe east. Suddenly a voice in the distance cried:"'Who goes there?'"The whole detachment halted, and I advanced to give the countersign.We had reached the French lines, and, as my men defiled before theoutpost, a commandant on horseback, whom I had informed of what had takenplace, asked in a sonorous voice, as he saw the litter pass him: 'Whathave you in there?'"And immediately a small head covered with light hair appeared,dishevelled and smiling, and replied:"'It is I, monsieur.'"At this the men raised a hearty laugh, and we felt quite light-hearted,while Pratique, who was walking by the side of the litter, waved his kepiand shouted:"'Vive la France!' And I felt really affected. I do not know why,except that I thought it a pretty and gallant thing to say."It seemed to me as if we had just saved the whole of France and had donesomething that other men could not have done, something simple and reallypatriotic. I shall never forget that little face, you may be sure; andif I had to give my opinion about abolishing drums, trumpets and bugles,I should propose to replace them in every regiment by a pretty girl, andthat would be even better than playing the 'Marseillaise: By Jove! itwould put some spirit into a trooper to have a Madonna like that, a liveMadonna, by the colonel's side."He was silent for a few moments and then continued, with an air ofconviction, and nodding his head:"All the same, we are very fond of women, we Frenchmen!"