Gotama

by Hermann Hesse

　　In the town of Savathi, every child knew the name of the exalted Buddha,and every house was prepared to fill the alms-dish of Gotama'sdisciples, the silently begging ones. Near the town was Gotama'sfavourite place to stay, the grove of Jetavana, which the rich merchantAnathapindika, an obedient worshipper of the exalted one, had given himand his people for a gift.All tales and answers, which the two young ascetics had received intheir search for Gotama's abode, had pointed them towards this area.And arriving at Savathi, in the very first house, before the door ofwhich they stopped to beg, food has been offered to them, and theyaccepted the food, and Siddhartha asked the woman, who handed them thefood:"We would like to know, oh charitable one, where the Buddha dwells, themost venerable one, for we are two Samanas from the forest and havecome, to see him, the perfected one, and to hear the teachings from hismouth."Quoth the woman: "Here, you have truly come to the right place, youSamanas from the forest. You should know, in Jetavana, in the gardenof Anathapindika is where the exalted one dwells. There you pilgrimsshall spent the night, for there is enough space for the innumerable,who flock here, to hear the teachings from his mouth."This made Govinda happy, and full of joy he exclaimed: "Well so, thuswe have reached our destination, and our path has come to an end! Buttell us, oh mother of the pilgrims, do you know him, the Buddha, haveyou seen him with your own eyes?"Quoth the woman: "Many times I have seen him, the exalted one. On manydays, I have seen him, walking through the alleys in silence, wearinghis yellow cloak, presenting his alms-dish in silence at the doors ofthe houses, leaving with a filled dish."Delightedly, Govinda listened and wanted to ask and hear much more.But Siddhartha urged him to walk on. They thanked and left and hardlyhad to ask for directions, for rather many pilgrims and monks as wellfrom Gotama's community were on their way to the Jetavana. And sincethey reached it at night, there were constant arrivals, shouts, andtalk of those who sought shelter and got it. The two Samanas,accustomed to life in the forest, found quickly and without making anynoise a place to stay and rested there until the morning.At sunrise, they saw with astonishment what a large crowd of believersand curious people had spent the night here. On all paths of themarvellous grove, monks walked in yellow robes, under the trees theysat here and there, in deep contemplation--or in a conversation aboutspiritual matters, the shady gardens looked like a city, full of people,bustling like bees. The majority of the monks went out with theiralms-dish, to collect food in town for their lunch, the only meal of theday. The Buddha himself, the enlightened one, was also in the habit oftaking this walk to beg in the morning.Siddhartha saw him, and he instantly recognised him, as if a god hadpointed him out to him. He saw him, a simple man in a yellow robe,bearing the alms-dish in his hand, walking silently."Look here!" Siddhartha said quietly to Govinda. "This one is theBuddha."Attentively, Govinda looked at the monk in the yellow robe, who seemedto be in no way different from the hundreds of other monks. And soon,Govinda also realized: This is the one. And they followed him andobserved him.The Buddha went on his way, modestly and deep in his thoughts, hiscalm face was neither happy nor sad, it seemed to smile quietly andinwardly. With a hidden smile, quiet, calm, somewhat resembling ahealthy child, the Buddha walked, wore the robe and placed his feetjust as all of his monks did, according to a precise rule. But hisface and his walk, his quietly lowered glance, his quietly dangling handand even every finger of his quietly dangling hand expressed peace,expressed perfection, did not search, did not imitate, breathed softlyin an unwhithering calm, in an unwhithering light, an untouchable peace.Thus Gotama walked towards the town, to collect alms, and the twoSamanas recognised him solely by the perfection of his calm, by thequietness of his appearance, in which there was no searching, no desire,no imitation, no effort to be seen, only light and peace."Today, we'll hear the teachings from his mouth." said Govinda.Siddhartha did not answer. He felt little curiosity for the teachings,he did not believe that they would teach him anything new, but he had,just as Govinda had, heard the contents of this Buddha's teachingsagain and again, though these reports only represented second- orthird-hand information. But attentively he looked at Gotama's head,his shoulders, his feet, his quietly dangling hand, and it seemed tohim as if every joint of every finger of this hand was of theseteachings, spoke of, breathed of, exhaled the fragrant of, glistened oftruth. This man, this Buddha was truthful down to the gesture of hislast finger. This man was holy. Never before, Siddhartha had venerateda person so much, never before he had loved a person as much as thisone.They both followed the Buddha until they reached the town and thenreturned in silence, for they themselves intended to abstain fromon this day. They saw Gotama returning--what he ate could not even havesatisfied a bird's appetite, and they saw him retiring into the shadeof the mango-trees.But in the evening, when the heat cooled down and everyone in the campstarted to bustle about and gathered around, they heard the Buddhateaching. They heard his voice, and it was also perfected, was ofperfect calmness, was full of peace. Gotama taught the teachings ofsuffering, of the origin of suffering, of the way to relieve suffering.Calmly and clearly his quiet speech flowed on. Suffering was life,full of suffering was the world, but salvation from suffering had beenfound: salvation was obtained by him who would walk the path of theBuddha. With a soft, yet firm voice the exalted one spoke, taught thefour main doctrines, taught the eightfold path, patiently he went theusual path of the teachings, of the examples, of the repetitions,brightly and quietly his voice hovered over the listeners, like a light,like a starry sky.When the Buddha--night had already fallen--ended his speech, many apilgrim stepped forward and asked to accepted into the community, soughtrefuge in the teachings. And Gotama accepted them by speaking: "Youhave heard the teachings well, it has come to you well. Thus join usand walk in holiness, to put an end to all suffering."Behold, then Govinda, the shy one, also stepped forward and spoke: "Ialso take my refuge in the exalted one and his teachings," and he askedto accepted into the community of his disciples and was accepted.Right afterwards, when the Buddha had retired for the night, Govindaturned to Siddhartha and spoke eagerly: "Siddhartha, it is not my placeto scold you. We have both heard the exalted one, be have bothperceived the teachings. Govinda has heard the teachings, he has takenrefuge in it. But you, my honoured friend, don't you also want to walkthe path of salvation? Would you want to hesitate, do you want to waitany longer?"Siddhartha awakened as if he had been asleep, when he heard Govinda'swords. For a long tome, he looked into Govinda's face. Then he spokequietly, in a voice without mockery: "Govinda, my friend, now you havetaken this step, now you have chosen this path. Always, oh Govinda,you've been my friend, you've always walked one step behind me. Often Ihave thought: Won't Govinda for once also take a step by himself,without me, out of his own soul? Behold, now you've turned into a manand are choosing your path for yourself. I wish that you would go it upto its end, oh my friend, that you shall find salvation!"Govinda, not completely understanding it yet, repeated his question inan impatient tone: "Speak up, I beg you, my dear! Tell me, since itcould not be any other way, that you also, my learned friend, will takeyour refuge with the exalted Buddha!"Siddhartha placed his hand on Govinda's shoulder: "You failed to hearmy good wish for you, oh Govinda. I'm repeating it: I wish that youwould go this path up to its end, that you shall find salvation!"In this moment, Govinda realized that his friend had left him, and hestarted to weep."Siddhartha!" he exclaimed lamentingly.Siddhartha kindly spoke to him: "Don't forget, Govinda, that you arenow one of the Samanas of the Buddha! You have renounced your homeand your parents, renounced your birth and possessions, renounced yourfree will, renounced all friendship. This is what the teachingsrequire, this is what the exalted one wants. This is what you wantedfor yourself. Tomorrow, oh Govinda, I'll leave you."For a long time, the friends continued walking in the grove; for a longtime, they lay there and found no sleep. And over and over again,Govinda urged his friend, he should tell him why he would not want toseek refuge in Gotama's teachings, what fault he would find in theseteachings. But Siddhartha turned him away every time and said: "Becontent, Govinda! Very good are the teachings of the exalted one, howcould I find a fault in them?"Very early in the morning, a follower of Buddha, one of his oldestmonks, went through the garden and called all those to him who had asnovices taken their refuge in the teachings, to dress them up in theyellow robe and to instruct them in the first teachings and duties oftheir position. Then Govinda broke loose, embraced once again hischildhood friend and left with the novices.But Siddhartha walked through the grove, lost in thought.Then he happened to meet Gotama, the exalted one, and when he greetedhim with respect and the Buddha's glance was so full of kindness andcalm, the young man summoned his courage and asked the venerable one forthe permission to talk to him. Silently the exalted one nodded hisapproval.Quoth Siddhartha: "Yesterday, oh exalted one, I had been privileged tohear your wondrous teachings. Together with my friend, I had come fromafar, to hear your teachings. And now my friend is going to stay withyour people, he has taken his refuge with you. But I will again starton my pilgrimage.""As you please," the venerable one spoke politely."Too bold is my speech," Siddhartha continued, "but I do not want toleave the exalted one without having honestly told him my thoughts.Does it please the venerable one to listen to me for one moment longer?"Silently, the Buddha nodded his approval.Quoth Siddhartha: "One thing, oh most venerable one, I have admired inyour teachings most of all. Everything in your teachings is perfectlyclear, is proven; you are presenting the world as a perfect chain, achain which is never and nowhere broken, an eternal chain the links ofwhich are causes and effects. Never before, this has been seen soclearly; never before, this has been presented so irrefutably; truly,the heart of every Brahman has to beat stronger with love, once he hasseen the world through your teachings perfectly connected, without gaps,clear as a crystal, not depending on chance, not depending on gods.Whether it may be good or bad, whether living according to it would besuffering or joy, I do not wish to discuss, possibly this is notessential--but the uniformity of the world, that everything whichhappens is connected, that the great and the small things are allencompassed by the same forces of time, by the same law of causes, ofcoming into being and of dying, this is what shines brightly out of yourexalted teachings, oh perfected one. But according to your very ownteachings, this unity and necessary sequence of all things isnevertheless broken in one place, through a small gap, this world ofunity is invaded by something alien, something new, something which hadnot been there before, and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot beproven: these are your teachings of overcoming the world, of salvation.But with this small gap, with this small breach, the entire eternal anduniform law of the world is breaking apart again and becomes void.Please forgive me for expressing this objection."Quietly, Gotama had listened to him, unmoved. Now he spoke, theperfected one, with his kind, with his polite and clear voice: "You'veheard the teachings, oh son of a Brahman, and good for you that you'vethought about it thus deeply. You've found a gap in it, an error. Youshould think about this further. But be warned, oh seeker of knowledge,of the thicket of opinions and of arguing about words. There is nothingto opinions, they may be beautiful or ugly, smart or foolish, everyonecan support them or discard them. But the teachings, you've heard fromme, are no opinion, and their goal is not to explain the world to thosewho seek knowledge. They have a different goal; their goal is salvationfrom suffering. This is what Gotama teaches, nothing else.""I wish that you, oh exalted one, would not be angry with me," said theyoung man. "I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you, toargue about words. You are truly right, there is little to opinions.But let me say this one more thing: I have not doubted in you for asingle moment. I have not doubted for a single moment that you areBuddha, that you have reached the goal, the highest goal towards whichso many thousands of Brahmans and sons of Brahmans are on their way.You have found salvation from death. It has come to you in the courseof your own search, on your own path, through thoughts, throughmeditation, through realizations, through enlightenment. It has notcome to you by means of teachings! And--thus is my thought, oh exaltedone,--nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings! You will notbe able to convey and say to anybody, oh venerable one, in words andthrough teachings what has happened to you in the hour of enlightenment!The teachings of the enlightened Buddha contain much, it teaches many tolive righteously, to avoid evil. But there is one thing which these soclear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they do not containthe mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for himself, healone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have thought andrealized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am continuingmy travels--not to seek other, better teachings, for I know there arenone, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach mygoal by myself or to die. But often, I'll think of this day, oh exaltedone, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man."The Buddha's eyes quietly looked to the ground; quietly, in perfectequanimity his inscrutable face was smiling."I wish," the venerable one spoke slowly, "that your thoughts shall notbe in error, that you shall reach the goal! But tell me: Have you seenthe multitude of my Samanas, my many brothers, who have taken refuge inthe teachings? And do you believe, oh stranger, oh Samana, do youbelieve that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachingsand to return into the life the world and of desires?""Far is such a thought from my mind," exclaimed Siddhartha. "I wishthat they shall all stay with the teachings, that they shall reach theirgoal! It is not my place to judge another person's life. Only formyself, for myself alone, I must decide, I must chose, I must refuse.Salvation from the self is what we Samanas search for, oh exalted one.If I merely were one of your disciples, oh venerable one, I'd fear thatit might happen to me that only seemingly, only deceptively my selfwould be calm and be redeemed, but that in truth it would live on andgrow, for then I had replaced my self with the teachings, my duty tofollow you, my love for you, and the community of the monks!"With half of a smile, with an unwavering openness and kindness,Gotama looked into the stranger's eyes and bid him to leave with ahardly noticeable gesture."You are wise, oh Samana.", the venerable one spoke."You know how to talk wisely, my friend. Be aware of too much wisdom!"The Buddha turned away, and his glance and half of a smile remainedforever etched in Siddhartha's memory.I have never before seen a person glance and smile, sit and walk thisway, he thought; truly, I wish to be able to glance and smile, sit andwalk this way, too, thus free, thus venerable, thus concealed, thusopen, thus child-like and mysterious. Truly, only a person who hassucceeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance andwalk this way. Well so, I also will seek to reach the innermost partof my self.I saw a man, Siddhartha thought, a single man, before whom I would haveto lower my glance. I do not want to lower my glance before any other,not before any other. No teachings will entice me any more, since thisman's teachings have not enticed me.I am deprived by the Buddha, thought Siddhartha, I am deprived, andeven more he has given to me. He has deprived me of my friend, the onewho had believed in me and now believes in him, who had been my shadowand is now Gotama's shadow. But he has given me Siddhartha, myself.