Chapter 6: Ill and Conscience-Stricken

by Daniel Defoe

　　When I came down to the ship I found it strangely removed. Theforecastle, which lay before buried in sand, was heaved up at leastsix feet, and the stern, which was broke in pieces and parted fromthe rest by the force of the sea, soon after I had left rummagingher, was tossed as it were up, and cast on one side; and the sandwas thrown so high on that side next her stern, that whereas therewas a great place of water before, so that I could not come withina quarter of a mile of the wreck without swimming I could now walkquite up to her when the tide was out. I was surprised with thisat first, but soon concluded it must be done by the earthquake; andas by this violence the ship was more broke open than formerly, somany things came daily on shore, which the sea had loosened, andwhich the winds and water rolled by degrees to the land.This wholly diverted my thoughts from the design of removing myhabitation, and I busied myself mightily, that day especially, insearching whether I could make any way into the ship; but I foundnothing was to be expected of that kind, for all the inside of theship was choked up with sand. However, as I had learned not todespair of anything, I resolved to pull everything to pieces that Icould of the ship, concluding that everything I could get from herwould be of some use or other to me.MAY 3. - I began with my saw, and cut a piece of a beam through,which I thought held some of the upper part or quarter-decktogether, and when I had cut it through, I cleared away the sand aswell as I could from the side which lay highest; but the tidecoming in, I was obliged to give over for that time.MAY 4. - I went a-fishing, but caught not one fish that I durst eatof, till I was weary of my sport; when, just going to leave off, Icaught a young dolphin. I had made me a long line of some rope-yarn, but I had no hooks; yet I frequently caught fish enough, asmuch as I cared to eat; all which I dried in the sun, and ate themdry.MAY 5. - Worked on the wreck; cut another beam asunder, and broughtthree great fir planks off from the decks, which I tied together,and made to float on shore when the tide of flood came on.MAY 6. - Worked on the wreck; got several iron bolts out of her andother pieces of ironwork. Worked very hard, and came home verymuch tired, and had thoughts of giving it over.MAY 7. - Went to the wreck again, not with an intent to work, butfound the weight of the wreck had broke itself down, the beamsbeing cut; that several pieces of the ship seemed to lie loose, andthe inside of the hold lay so open that I could see into it; but itwas almost full of water and sand.MAY 8. - Went to the wreck, and carried an iron crow to wrench upthe deck, which lay now quite clear of the water or sand. Iwrenched open two planks, and brought them on shore also with thetide. I left the iron crow in the wreck for next day.MAY 9. - Went to the wreck, and with the crow made way into thebody of the wreck, and felt several casks, and loosened them withthe crow, but could not break them up. I felt also a roll ofEnglish lead, and could stir it, but it was too heavy to remove.MAY 10-14. - Went every day to the wreck; and got a great manypieces of timber, and boards, or plank, and two or threehundredweight of iron.MAY 15. - I carried two hatchets, to try if I could not cut a pieceoff the roll of lead by placing the edge of one hatchet and drivingit with the other; but as it lay about a foot and a half in thewater, I could not make any blow to drive the hatchet.MAY 16. - It had blown hard in the night, and the wreck appearedmore broken by the force of the water; but I stayed so long in thewoods, to get pigeons for food, that the tide prevented my going tothe wreck that day.MAY 17. - I saw some pieces of the wreck blown on shore, at a greatdistance, near two miles off me, but resolved to see what theywere, and found it was a piece of the head, but too heavy for me tobring away.MAY 24. - Every day, to this day, I worked on the wreck; and withhard labour I loosened some things so much with the crow, that thefirst flowing tide several casks floated out, and two of theseamen's chests; but the wind blowing from the shore, nothing cameto land that day but pieces of timber, and a hogshead, which hadsome Brazil pork in it; but the salt water and the sand had spoiledit. I continued this work every day to the 15th of June, exceptthe time necessary to get food, which I always appointed, duringthis part of my employment, to be when the tide was up, that Imight be ready when it was ebbed out; and by this time I had gottimber and plank and ironwork enough to have built a good boat, ifI had known how; and also I got, at several times and in severalpieces, near one hundredweight of the sheet lead.JUNE 16. - Going down to the seaside, I found a large tortoise orturtle. This was the first I had seen, which, it seems, was onlymy misfortune, not any defect of the place, or scarcity; for had Ihappened to be on the other side of the island, I might have hadhundreds of them every day, as I found afterwards; but perhaps hadpaid dear enough for them.JUNE 17. - I spent in cooking the turtle. I found in her three-score eggs; and her flesh was to me, at that time, the most savouryand pleasant that ever I tasted in my life, having had no flesh,but of goats and fowls, since I landed in this horrid place.JUNE 18. - Rained all day, and I stayed within. I thought at thistime the rain felt cold, and I was something chilly; which I knewwas not usual in that latitude.JUNE 19. - Very ill, and shivering, as if the weather had beencold.JUNE 20. - No rest all night; violent pains in my head, andfeverish.JUNE 21. - Very ill; frighted almost to death with theapprehensions of my sad condition - to be sick, and no help.Prayed to God, for the first time since the storm off Hull, butscarce knew what I said, or why, my thoughts being all confused.JUNE 22. - A little better; but under dreadful apprehensions ofsickness.JUNE 22. - Very bad again; cold and shivering, and then a violentheadache.JUNE 24. - Much better.JUNE 25. - An ague very violent; the fit held me seven hours; coldfit and hot, with faint sweats after it.JUNE 26. - Better; and having no victuals to eat, took my gun, butfound myself very weak. However, I killed a she-goat, and withmuch difficulty got it home, and broiled some of it, and ate, Iwould fain have stewed it, and made some broth, but had no pot.JUNE 27. - The ague again so violent that I lay a-bed all day, andneither ate nor drank. I was ready to perish for thirst; but soweak, I had not strength to stand up, or to get myself any water todrink. Prayed to God again, but was light-headed; and when I wasnot, I was so ignorant that I knew not what to say; only I lay andcried, "Lord, look upon me! Lord, pity me! Lord, have mercy uponme!" I suppose I did nothing else for two or three hours; till,the fit wearing off, I fell asleep, and did not wake till far inthe night. When I awoke, I found myself much refreshed, but weak,and exceeding thirsty. However, as I had no water in myhabitation, I was forced to lie till morning, and went to sleepagain. In this second sleep I had this terrible dream: I thoughtthat I was sitting on the ground, on the outside of my wall, whereI sat when the storm blew after the earthquake, and that I saw aman descend from a great black cloud, in a bright flame of fire,and light upon the ground. He was all over as bright as a flame,so that I could but just bear to look towards him; his countenancewas most inexpressibly dreadful, impossible for words to describe.When he stepped upon the ground with his feet, I thought the earthtrembled, just as it had done before in the earthquake, and all theair looked, to my apprehension, as if it had been filled withflashes of fire. He was no sooner landed upon the earth, but hemoved forward towards me, with a long spear or weapon in his hand,to kill me; and when he came to a rising ground, at some distance,he spoke to me - or I heard a voice so terrible that it isimpossible to express the terror of it. All that I can say Iunderstood was this: "Seeing all these things have not brought theeto repentance, now thou shalt die;" at which words, I thought helifted up the spear that was in his hand to kill me.No one that shall ever read this account will expect that I shouldbe able to describe the horrors of my soul at this terrible vision.I mean, that even while it was a dream, I even dreamed of thosehorrors. Nor is it any more possible to describe the impressionthat remained upon my mind when I awaked, and found it was but adream.I had, alas! no divine knowledge. What I had received by the goodinstruction of my father was then worn out by an uninterruptedseries, for eight years, of seafaring wickedness, and a constantconversation with none but such as were, like myself, wicked andprofane to the last degree. I do not remember that I had, in allthat time, one thought that so much as tended either to lookingupwards towards God, or inwards towards a reflection upon my ownways; but a certain stupidity of soul, without desire of good, orconscience of evil, had entirely overwhelmed me; and I was all thatthe most hardened, unthinking, wicked creature among our commonsailors can be supposed to be; not having the least sense, eitherof the fear of God in danger, or of thankfulness to God indeliverance.In the relating what is already past of my story, this will be themore easily believed when I shall add, that through all the varietyof miseries that had to this day befallen me, I never had so muchas one thought of it being the hand of God, or that it was a justpunishment for my sin - my rebellious behaviour against my father -or my present sins, which were great - or so much as a punishmentfor the general course of my wicked life. When I was on thedesperate expedition on the desert shores of Africa, I never had somuch as one thought of what would become of me, or one wish to Godto direct me whither I should go, or to keep me from the dangerwhich apparently surrounded me, as well from voracious creatures ascruel savages. But I was merely thoughtless of a God or aProvidence, acted like a mere brute, from the principles of nature,and by the dictates of common sense only, and, indeed, hardly that.When I was delivered and taken up at sea by the Portugal captain,well used, and dealt justly and honourably with, as well ascharitably, I had not the least thankfulness in my thoughts. When,again, I was shipwrecked, ruined, and in danger of drowning on thisisland, I was as far from remorse, or looking on it as a judgment.I only said to myself often, that I was an unfortunate dog, andborn to be always miserable.It is true, when I got on shore first here, and found all my ship'screw drowned and myself spared, I was surprised with a kind ofecstasy, and some transports of soul, which, had the grace of Godassisted, might have come up to true thankfulness; but it endedwhere it began, in a mere common flight of joy, or, as I may say,being glad I was alive, without the least reflection upon thedistinguished goodness of the hand which had preserved me, and hadsingled me out to be preserved when all the rest were destroyed, oran inquiry why Providence had been thus merciful unto me. Evenjust the same common sort of joy which seamen generally have, afterthey are got safe ashore from a shipwreck, which they drown all inthe next bowl of punch, and forget almost as soon as it is over;and all the rest of my life was like it. Even when I wasafterwards, on due consideration, made sensible of my condition,how I was cast on this dreadful place, out of the reach of humankind, out of all hope of relief, or prospect of redemption, as soonas I saw but a prospect of living and that I should not starve andperish for hunger, all the sense of my affliction wore off; and Ibegan to be very easy, applied myself to the works proper for mypreservation and supply, and was far enough from being afflicted atmy condition, as a judgment from heaven, or as the hand of Godagainst me: these were thoughts which very seldom entered my head.The growing up of the corn, as is hinted in my Journal, had atfirst some little influence upon me, and began to affect me withseriousness, as long as I thought it had something miraculous init; but as soon as ever that part of the thought was removed, allthe impression that was raised from it wore off also, as I havenoted already. Even the earthquake, though nothing could be moreterrible in its nature, or more immediately directing to theinvisible Power which alone directs such things, yet no sooner wasthe first fright over, but the impression it had made went offalso. I had no more sense of God or His judgments - much less ofthe present affliction of my circumstances being from His hand -than if I had been in the most prosperous condition of life. Butnow, when I began to be sick, and a leisurely view of the miseriesof death came to place itself before me; when my spirits began tosink under the burden of a strong distemper, and nature wasexhausted with the violence of the fever; conscience, that hadslept so long, began to awake, and I began to reproach myself withmy past life, in which I had so evidently, by uncommon wickedness,provoked the justice of God to lay me under uncommon strokes, andto deal with me in so vindictive a manner. These reflectionsoppressed me for the second or third day of my distemper; and inthe violence, as well of the fever as of the dreadful reproaches ofmy conscience, extorted some words from me like praying to God,though I cannot say they were either a prayer attended with desiresor with hopes: it was rather the voice of mere fright and distress.My thoughts were confused, the convictions great upon my mind, andthe horror of dying in such a miserable condition raised vapoursinto my head with the mere apprehensions; and in these hurries ofmy soul I knew not what my tongue might express. But it was ratherexclamation, such as, "Lord, what a miserable creature am I! If Ishould be sick, I shall certainly die for want of help; and whatwill become of me!" Then the tears burst out of my eyes, and Icould say no more for a good while. In this interval the goodadvice of my father came to my mind, and presently his prediction,which I mentioned at the beginning of this story - viz. that if Idid take this foolish step, God would not bless me, and I wouldhave leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counselwhen there might be none to assist in my recovery. "Now," said I,aloud, "my dear father's words are come to pass; God's justice hasovertaken me, and I have none to help or hear me. I rejected thevoice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a posture orstation of life wherein I might have been happy and easy; but Iwould neither see it myself nor learn to know the blessing of itfrom my parents. I left them to mourn over my folly, and now I amleft to mourn under the consequences of it. I abused their helpand assistance, who would have lifted me in the world, and wouldhave made everything easy to me; and now I have difficulties tostruggle with, too great for even nature itself to support, and noassistance, no help, no comfort, no advice." Then I cried out,"Lord, be my help, for I am in great distress." This was the firstprayer, if I may call it so, that I had made for many years.But to return to my Journal.JUNE 28. - Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had,and the fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright andterror of my dream was very great, yet I considered that the fit ofthe ague would return again the next day, and now was my time toget something to refresh and support myself when I should be ill;and the first thing I did, I filled a large square case-bottle withwater, and set it upon my table, in reach of my bed; and to takeoff the chill or aguish disposition of the water, I put about aquarter of a pint of rum into it, and mixed them together. Then Igot me a piece of the goat's flesh and broiled it on the coals, butcould eat very little. I walked about, but was very weak, andwithal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense of my miserablecondition, dreading, the return of my distemper the next day. Atnight I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs, which Iroasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell, andthis was the first bit of meat I had ever asked God's blessing to,that I could remember, in my whole life. After I had eaten I triedto walk, but found myself so weak that I could hardly carry a gun,for I never went out without that; so I went but a little way, andsat down upon the ground, looking out upon the sea, which was justbefore me, and very calm and smooth. As I sat here some suchthoughts as these occurred to me: What is this earth and sea, ofwhich I have seen so much? Whence is it produced? And what am I,and all the other creatures wild and tame, human and brutal?Whence are we? Sure we are all made by some secret Power, whoformed the earth and sea, the air and sky. And who is that? Thenit followed most naturally, it is God that has made all. Well, butthen it came on strangely, if God has made all these things, Heguides and governs them all, and all things that concern them; forthe Power that could make all things must certainly have power toguide and direct them. If so, nothing can happen in the greatcircuit of His works, either without His knowledge or appointment.And if nothing happens without His knowledge, He knows that I amhere, and am in this dreadful condition; and if nothing happenswithout His appointment, He has appointed all this to befall me.Nothing occurred to my thought to contradict any of theseconclusions, and therefore it rested upon me with the greaterforce, that it must needs be that God had appointed all this tobefall me; that I was brought into this miserable circumstance byHis direction, He having the sole power, not of me only, but ofeverything that happened in the world. Immediately it followed:Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus used? Myconscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I hadblasphemed, and methought it spoke to me like a voice: "Wretch!dost thou ask what thou hast done? Look back upon a dreadfulmisspent life, and ask thyself what thou hast not done? Ask, whyis it that thou wert not long ago destroyed? Why wert thou notdrowned in Yarmouth Roads; killed in the fight when the ship wastaken by the Sallee man-of-war; devoured by the wild beasts on thecoast of Africa; or drowned here, when all the crew perished butthyself? Dost thou ask, what have I done?" I was struck dumb withthese reflections, as one astonished, and had not a word to say -no, not to answer to myself, but rose up pensive and sad, walkedback to my retreat, and went up over my wall, as if I had beengoing to bed; but my thoughts were sadly disturbed, and I had noinclination to sleep; so I sat down in my chair, and lighted mylamp, for it began to be dark. Now, as the apprehension of thereturn of my distemper terrified me very much, it occurred to mythought that the Brazilians take no physic but their tobacco foralmost all distempers, and I had a piece of a roll of tobacco inone of the chests, which was quite cured, and some also that wasgreen, and not quite cured.I went, directed by Heaven no doubt; for in this chest I found acure both for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what Ilooked for, the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay theretoo, I took out one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, andwhich to this time I had not found leisure or inclination to lookinto. I say, I took it out, and brought both that and the tobaccowith me to the table. What use to make of the tobacco I knew not,in my distemper, or whether it was good for it or no: but I triedseveral experiments with it, as if I was resolved it should hit oneway or other. I first took a piece of leaf, and chewed it in mymouth, which, indeed, at first almost stupefied my brain, thetobacco being green and strong, and that I had not been much usedto. Then I took some and steeped it an hour or two in some rum,and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down; and lastly., Iburnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close over thesmoke of it as long as I could bear it, as well for the heat asalmost for suffocation. In the interval of this operation I tookup the Bible and began to read; but my head was too much disturbedwith the tobacco to bear reading, at least at that time; only,having opened the book casually, the first words that occurred tome were these, "Call on Me in the day of trouble, and I willdeliver thee, and thou shalt glorify Me." These words were veryapt to my case, and made some impression upon my thoughts at thetime of reading them, though not so much as they did afterwards;for, as for being delivered, the word had no sound, as I may say,to me; the thing was so remote, so impossible in my apprehension ofthings, that I began to say, as the children of Israel did whenthey were promised flesh to eat, "Can God spread a table in thewilderness?" so I began to say, "Can God Himself deliver me fromthis place?" And as it was not for many years that any hopesappeared, this prevailed very often upon my thoughts; but, however,the words made a great impression upon me, and I mused upon themvery often. It grew now late, and the tobacco had, as I said,dozed my head so much that I inclined to sleep; so I left my lampburning in the cave, lest I should want anything in the night, andwent to bed. But before I lay down, I did what I never had done inall my life - I kneeled down, and prayed to God to fulfil thepromise to me, that if I called upon Him in the day of trouble, Hewould deliver me. After my broken and imperfect prayer was over, Idrank the rum in which I had steeped the tobacco, which was sostrong and rank of the tobacco that I could scarcely get it down;immediately upon this I went to bed. I found presently it flew upinto my head violently; but I fell into a sound sleep, and waked nomore till, by the sun, it must necessarily be near three o'clock inthe afternoon the next day - nay, to this hour I am partly ofopinion that I slept all the next day and night, and till almostthree the day after; for otherwise I know not how I should lose aday out of my reckoning in the days of the week, as it appearedsome years after I had done; for if I had lost it by crossing andrecrossing the line, I should have lost more than one day; butcertainly I lost a day in my account, and never knew which way. Bethat, however, one way or the other, when I awaked I found myselfexceedingly refreshed, and my spirits lively and cheerful; when Igot up I was stronger than I was the day before, and my stomachbetter, for I was hungry; and, in short, I had no fit the next day,but continued much altered for the better. This was the 29th.The 30th was my well day, of course, and I went abroad with my gun,but did not care to travel too far. I killed a sea-fowl or two,something like a brandgoose, and brought them home, but was notvery forward to eat them; so I ate some more of the turtle's eggs,which were very good. This evening I renewed the medicine, which Ihad supposed did me good the day before - the tobacco steeped inrum; only I did not take so much as before, nor did I chew any ofthe leaf, or hold my head over the smoke; however, I was not sowell the next day, which was the first of July, as I hoped I shouldhave been; for I had a little spice of the cold fit, but it was notmuch.JULY 2. - I renewed the medicine all the three ways; and dosedmyself with it as at first, and doubled the quantity which I drank.JULY 3. - I missed the fit for good and all, though I did notrecover my full strength for some weeks after. While I was thusgathering strength, my thoughts ran exceedingly upon thisScripture, "I will deliver thee"; and the impossibility of mydeliverance lay much upon my mind, in bar of my ever expecting it;but as I was discouraging myself with such thoughts, it occurred tomy mind that I pored so much upon my deliverance from the mainaffliction, that I disregarded the deliverance I had received, andI was as it were made to ask myself such questions as these - viz.Have I not been delivered, and wonderfully too, from sickness -from the most distressed condition that could be, and that was sofrightful to me? and what notice had I taken of it? Had I done mypart? God had delivered me, but I had not glorified Him - that isto say, I had not owned and been thankful for that as adeliverance; and how could I expect greater deliverance? Thistouched my heart very much; and immediately I knelt down and gaveGod thanks aloud for my recovery from my sickness.JULY 4. - In the morning I took the Bible; and beginning at the NewTestament, I began seriously to read it, and imposed upon myself toread a while every morning and every night; not tying myself to thenumber of chapters, but long as my thoughts should engage me. Itwas not long after I set seriously to this work till I found myheart more deeply and sincerely affected with the wickedness of mypast life. The impression of my dream revived; and the words, "Allthese things have not brought thee to repentance," ran seriouslythrough my thoughts. I was earnestly begging of God to give merepentance, when it happened providentially, the very day, that,reading the Scripture, I came to these words: "He is exalted aPrince and a Saviour, to give repentance and to give remission." Ithrew down the book; and with my heart as well as my hands liftedup to heaven, in a kind of ecstasy of joy, I cried out aloud,"Jesus, thou son of David! Jesus, thou exalted Prince and Saviour!give me repentance!" This was the first time I could say, in thetrue sense of the words, that I prayed in all my life; for now Iprayed with a sense of my condition, and a true Scripture view ofhope, founded on the encouragement of the Word of God; and fromthis time, I may say, I began to hope that God would hear me.Now I began to construe the words mentioned above, "Call on Me, andI will deliver thee," in a different sense from what I had everdone before; for then I had no notion of anything being calleddeliverance, but my being delivered from the captivity I was in;for though I was indeed at large in the place, yet the island wascertainly a prison to me, and that in the worse sense in the world.But now I learned to take it in another sense: now I looked backupon my past life with such horror, and my sins appeared sodreadful, that my soul sought nothing of God but deliverance fromthe load of guilt that bore down all my comfort. As for mysolitary life, it was nothing. I did not so much as pray to bedelivered from it or think of it; it was all of no consideration incomparison to this. And I add this part here, to hint to whoevershall read it, that whenever they come to a true sense of things,they will find deliverance from sin a much greater blessing thandeliverance from affliction.But, leaving this part, I return to my Journal.My condition began now to be, though not less miserable as to myway of living, yet much easier to my mind: and my thoughts beingdirected, by a constant reading the Scripture and praying to God,to things of a higher nature, I had a great deal of comfort within,which till now I knew nothing of; also, my health and strengthreturned, I bestirred myself to furnish myself with everything thatI wanted, and make my way of living as regular as I could.From the 4th of July to the 14th I was chiefly employed in walkingabout with my gun in my hand, a little and a little at a time, as aman that was gathering up his strength after a fit of sickness; forit is hardly to be imagined how low I was, and to what weakness Iwas reduced. The application which I made use of was perfectlynew, and perhaps which had never cured an ague before; neither canI recommend it to any to practise, by this experiment: and thoughit did carry off the fit, yet it rather contributed to weakeningme; for I had frequent convulsions in my nerves and limbs for sometime. I learned from it also this, in particular, that beingabroad in the rainy season was the most pernicious thing to myhealth that could be, especially in those rains which came attendedwith storms and hurricanes of wind; for as the rain which came inthe dry season was almost always accompanied with such storms, so Ifound that rain was much more dangerous than the rain which fell inSeptember and October.