The Guests

by H.H. Munro (SAKI)

　　

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"The landscape seen from our windows is certainly charming," saidAnnabel; "those cherry orchards and green meadows, and the river windingalong the valley, and the church tower peeping out among the elms, theyall make a most effective picture. There's something dreadfully sleepyand languorous about it, though; stagnation seems to be the dominantnote. Nothing ever happens here; seedtime and harvest, an occasionaloutbreak of measles or a mildly destructive thunderstorm, and a littleelection excitement about once in five years, that is all that we have tomodify the monotony of our existence. Rather dreadful, isn't it?" "On the contrary," said Matilda, "I find it soothing and restful; butthen, you see, I've lived in countries where things do happen, ever somany at a time, when you're not ready for them happening all at once." "That, of course, makes a difference," said Annabel. "I have never forgotten," said Matilda, "the occasion when the Bishop ofBequar paid us an unexpected visit; he was on his way to lay thefoundation-stone of a mission-house or something of the sort." "I thought that out there you were always prepared for emergency gueststurning up," said Annabel. "I was quite prepared for half a dozen Bishops," said Matilda, "but itwas rather disconcerting to find out after a little conversation thatthis particular one was a distant cousin of mine, belonging to a branchof the family that had quarrelled bitterly and offensively with ourbranch about a Crown Derby dessert service; they got it, and we ought tohave got it, in some legacy, or else we got it and they thought theyought to have it, I forget which; anyhow, I know they behaveddisgracefully. Now here was one of them turning up in the odour ofsanctity, so to speak, and claiming the traditional hospitality of theEast." "It was rather trying, but you could have left your husband to do most ofthe entertaining." "My husband was fifty miles up-country, talking sense, or what heimagined to be sense, to a village community that fancied one of theirleading men was a were-tiger." "A what tiger?" "A were-tiger; you've heard of were-wolves, haven't you, a mixture ofwolf and human being and demon? Well, in those parts they havewere-tigers, or think they have, and I must say that in this case, so faras sworn and uncontested evidence went, they had every ground forthinking so. However, as we gave up witchcraft prosecutions about threehundred years ago, we don't like to have other people keeping on ourdiscarded practices; it doesn't seem respectful to our mental and moralposition." "I hope you weren't unkind to the Bishop," said Annabel. "Well, of course he was my guest, so I had to be outwardly polite to him,but he was tactless enough to rake up the incidents of the old quarrel,and to try to make out that there was something to be said for the wayhis side of the family had behaved; even if there was, which I don't fora moment admit, my house was not the place in which to say it. I didn'targue the matter, but I gave my cook a holiday to go and visit his agedparents some ninety miles away. The emergency cook was not a specialistin curries, in fact, I don't think cooking in any shape or form couldhave been one of his strong points. I believe he originally came to usin the guise of a gardener, but as we never pretended to have anythingthat could be considered a garden he was utilised as assistant goat-herd,in which capacity, I understand, he gave every satisfaction. When theBishop heard that I had sent away the cook on a special and unnecessaryholiday he saw the inwardness of the manoeuvre, and from that moment wewere scarcely on speaking terms. If you have ever had a Bishop with whomyou were not on speaking terms staying in your house, you will appreciatethe situation." Annabel confessed that her life-story had never included such adisturbing experience. "Then," continued Matilda, "to make matters more complicated, theGwadlipichee overflowed its banks, a thing it did every now and then whenthe rains were unduly prolonged, and the lower part of the house and allthe out-buildings were submerged. We managed to get the ponies loose intime, and the syce swam the whole lot of them off to the nearest risingground. A goat or two, the chief goat-herd, the chief goat-herd's wife,and several of their babies came to anchorage in the verandah. All therest of the available space was filled up with wet, bedraggled-lookinghens and chickens; one never really knows how many fowls one possessestill the servants' quarters are flooded out. Of course, I had beenthrough something of the sort in previous floods, but never before had Ihad a houseful of goats and babies and half-drowned hens, supplemented bya Bishop with whom I was hardly on speaking terms." "It must have been a trying experience," commented Annabel. "More embarrassments were to follow. I wasn't going to let a mereordinary flood wash out the memory of that Crown Derby dessert service,and I intimated to the Bishop that his large bedroom, with a writingtable in it, and his small bath-room, with a sufficiency of cold-waterjars in it, was his share of the premises, and that space was rathercongested under the existing circumstances. However, at about threeo'clock in the afternoon, when he had awakened from his midday sleep, hemade a sudden incursion into the room that was normally the drawing-room,but was now dining-room, store-house, saddle-room, and half a dozen othertemporary premises as well. From the condition of my guest's costume heseemed to think it might also serve as his dressing-room. "'I'm afraid there is nowhere for you to sit,' I said coldly; 'theverandah is full of goats.' "'There is a goat in my bedroom,' he observed with equal coldness, andmore than a suspicion of sardonic reproach. "'Really,' I said, 'another survivor? I thought all the other goats weredone for.' "'This particular goat is quite done for,' he said, 'it is being devouredby a leopard at the present moment. That is why I left the room; someanimals resent being watched while they are eating.' "The leopard, of course, was easily explained; it had been hanging roundthe goat sheds when the flood came, and had clambered up by the outsidestaircase leading to the Bishop's bath-room, thoughtfully bringing a goatwith it. Probably it found the bath-room too damp and shut-in for itstaste, and transferred its banqueting operations to the bedroom while theBishop was having his nap." "What a frightful situation!" exclaimed Annabel; "fancy having a raveningleopard in the house, with a flood all round you." "Not in the least ravening," said Matilda; "it was full of goat, had anyamount of water at its disposal if it felt thirsty, and probably had nomore immediate wish than a desire for uninterrupted sleep. Still, Ithink any one will admit that it was an embarrassing predicament to haveyour only available guest-room occupied by a leopard, the verandah chokedup with goats and babies and wet hens, and a Bishop with whom you werescarcely on speaking terms planted down in your own sitting-room. Ireally don't know how I got through those crawling hours, and of coursemealtimes only made matters worse. The emergency cook had every excusefor sending in watery soup and sloppy rice, and as neither the chief goat-herd nor his wife were expert divers, the cellar could not be reached.Fortunately the Gwadlipichee subsides as rapidly as it rises, and justbefore dawn the syce came splashing back, with the ponies only fetlockdeep in water. Then there arose some awkwardness from the fact that theBishop wished to leave sooner than the leopard did, and as the latter wasensconced in the midst of the former's personal possessions there was anobvious difficulty in altering the order of departure. I pointed out tothe Bishop that a leopard's habits and tastes are not those of an otter,and that it naturally preferred walking to wading; and that in any case ameal of an entire goat, washed down with tub-water, justified a certainamount of repose; if I had had guns fired to frighten the animal away, asthe Bishop suggested, it would probably merely have left the bedroom tocome into the already over-crowded drawing-room. Altogether it wasrather a relief when they both left. Now, perhaps, you can understand myappreciation of a sleepy countryside where things don't happen."

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