Chapter VII. Tom's first royal dinner.

by Mark Twain

　　Somewhat after one in the afternoon, Tom resignedly underwent theordeal of being dressed for dinner. He found himself as finelyclothed as before, but everything different, everything changed,from his ruff to his stockings. He was presently conducted withmuch state to a spacious and ornate apartment, where a table wasalready set for one. Its furniture was all of massy gold, andbeautified with designs which well-nigh made it priceless, sincethey were the work of Benvenuto. The room was half-filled withnoble servitors. A chaplain said grace, and Tom was about to fallto, for hunger had long been constitutional with him, but wasinterrupted by my lord the Earl of Berkeley, who fastened a napkinabout his neck; for the great post of Diaperers to the Prince ofWales was hereditary in this nobleman's family. Tom's cupbearerwas present, and forestalled all his attempts to help himself towine. The Taster to his highness the Prince of Wales was therealso, prepared to taste any suspicious dish upon requirement, andrun the risk of being poisoned. He was only an ornamentalappendage at this time, and was seldom called upon to exercise hisfunction; but there had been times, not many generations past,when the office of taster had its perils, and was not a grandeurto be desired. Why they did not use a dog or a plumber seemsstrange; but all the ways of royalty are strange. My Lord d'Arcy,First Groom of the Chamber, was there, to do goodness knows what;but there he was--let that suffice. The Lord Chief Butler wasthere, and stood behind Tom's chair, overseeing the solemnities,under command of the Lord Great Steward and the Lord Head Cook,who stood near. Tom had three hundred and eighty-four servantsbeside these; but they were not all in that room, of course, northe quarter of them; neither was Tom aware yet that they existed.All those that were present had been well drilled within the hourto remember that the prince was temporarily out of his head, andto be careful to show no surprise at his vagaries. These'vagaries' were soon on exhibition before them; but they onlymoved their compassion and their sorrow, not their mirth. It wasa heavy affliction to them to see the beloved prince so stricken.Poor Tom ate with his fingers mainly; but no one smiled at it, oreven seemed to observe it. He inspected his napkin curiously, andwith deep interest, for it was of a very dainty and beautifulfabric, then said with simplicity--"Prithee, take it away, lest in mine unheedfulness it be soiled."The Hereditary Diaperer took it away with reverent manner, andwithout word or protest of any sort.Tom examined the turnips and the lettuce with interest, and askedwhat they were, and if they were to be eaten; for it was onlyrecently that men had begun to raise these things in England inplace of importing them as luxuries from Holland. {1} Hisquestion was answered with grave respect, and no surprisemanifested. When he had finished his dessert, he filled hispockets with nuts; but nobody appeared to be aware of it, ordisturbed by it. But the next moment he was himself disturbed byit, and showed discomposure; for this was the only service he hadbeen permitted to do with his own hands during the meal, and hedid not doubt that he had done a most improper and unprincelything. At that moment the muscles of his nose began to twitch,and the end of that organ to lift and wrinkle. This continued,and Tom began to evince a growing distress. He lookedappealingly, first at one and then another of the lords about him,and tears came into his eyes. They sprang forward with dismay intheir faces, and begged to know his trouble. Tom said withgenuine anguish--"I crave your indulgence: my nose itcheth cruelly. What is thecustom and usage in this emergence? Prithee, speed, for 'tis buta little time that I can bear it."None smiled; but all were sore perplexed, and looked one to theother in deep tribulation for counsel. But behold, here was adead wall, and nothing in English history to tell how to get overit. The Master of Ceremonies was not present: there was no onewho felt safe to venture upon this uncharted sea, or risk theattempt to solve this solemn problem. Alas! there was noHereditary Scratcher. Meantime the tears had overflowed theirbanks, and begun to trickle down Tom's cheeks. His twitching nosewas pleading more urgently than ever for relief. At last naturebroke down the barriers of etiquette: Tom lifted up an inwardprayer for pardon if he was doing wrong, and brought relief to theburdened hearts of his court by scratching his nose himself.His meal being ended, a lord came and held before him a broad,shallow, golden dish with fragrant rosewater in it, to cleanse hismouth and fingers with; and my lord the Hereditary Diaperer stoodby with a napkin for his use. Tom gazed at the dish a puzzledmoment or two, then raised it to his lips, and gravely took adraught. Then he returned it to the waiting lord, and said--"Nay, it likes me not, my lord: it hath a pretty flavour, but itwanteth strength."This new eccentricity of the prince's ruined mind made all thehearts about him ache; but the sad sight moved none to merriment.Tom's next unconscious blunder was to get up and leave the tablejust when the chaplain had taken his stand behind his chair, andwith uplifted hands, and closed, uplifted eyes, was in the act ofbeginning the blessing. Still nobody seemed to perceive that theprince had done a thing unusual.By his own request our small friend was now conducted to hisprivate cabinet, and left there alone to his own devices. Hangingupon hooks in the oaken wainscoting were the several pieces of asuit of shining steel armour, covered all over with beautifuldesigns exquisitely inlaid in gold. This martial panoply belongedto the true prince--a recent present from Madam Parr the Queen.Tom put on the greaves, the gauntlets, the plumed helmet, and suchother pieces as he could don without assistance, and for a whilewas minded to call for help and complete the matter, but bethoughthim of the nuts he had brought away from dinner, and the joy itwould be to eat them with no crowd to eye him, and no GrandHereditaries to pester him with undesired services; so he restoredthe pretty things to their several places, and soon was crackingnuts, and feeling almost naturally happy for the first time sinceGod for his sins had made him a prince. When the nuts were allgone, he stumbled upon some inviting books in a closet, among themone about the etiquette of the English court. This was a prize.He lay down upon a sumptuous divan, and proceeded to instructhimself with honest zeal. Let us leave him there for the present.