Chapter XIV. 'Le Roi est mort--vive le Roi.'

by Mark Twain

　　Toward daylight of the same morning, Tom Canty stirred out of aheavy sleep and opened his eyes in the dark. He lay silent a fewmoments, trying to analyse his confused thoughts and impressions,and get some sort of meaning out of them; then suddenly he burstout in a rapturous but guarded voice--"I see it all, I see it all! Now God be thanked, I am indeedawake at last! Come, joy! vanish, sorrow! Ho, Nan! Bet! kick offyour straw and hie ye hither to my side, till I do pour into yourunbelieving ears the wildest madcap dream that ever the spirits ofnight did conjure up to astonish the soul of man withal! . . . Ho,Nan, I say! Bet!"A dim form appeared at his side, and a voice said--"Wilt deign to deliver thy commands?""Commands? . . . O, woe is me, I know thy voice! Speak thou--whoam I?""Thou? In sooth, yesternight wert thou the Prince of Wales; to-day art thou my most gracious liege, Edward, King of England."Tom buried his head among his pillows, murmuring plaintively--"Alack, it was no dream! Go to thy rest, sweet sir--leave me tomy sorrows."Tom slept again, and after a time he had this pleasant dream. Hethought it was summer, and he was playing, all alone, in the fairmeadow called Goodman's Fields, when a dwarf only a foot high,with long red whiskers and a humped back, appeared to him suddenlyand said, "Dig by that stump." He did so, and found twelve brightnew pennies--wonderful riches! Yet this was not the best of it;for the dwarf said--"I know thee. Thou art a good lad, and a deserving; thydistresses shall end, for the day of thy reward is come. Dig hereevery seventh day, and thou shalt find always the same treasure,twelve bright new pennies. Tell none--keep the secret."Then the dwarf vanished, and Tom flew to Offal Court with hisprize, saying to himself, "Every night will I give my father apenny; he will think I begged it, it will glad his heart, and Ishall no more be beaten. One penny every week the good priestthat teacheth me shall have; mother, Nan, and Bet the other four.We be done with hunger and rags, now, done with fears and fretsand savage usage."In his dream he reached his sordid home all out of breath, butwith eyes dancing with grateful enthusiasm; cast four of hispennies into his mother's lap and cried out--"They are for theefor thee and Nan andBet--and honestly come by, not begged nor stolen!"The happy and astonished mother strained him to her breast andexclaimed--"It waxeth late--may it please your Majesty to rise?"Ah! that was not the answer he was expecting. The dream hadsnapped asunder--he was awake.He opened his eyes--the richly clad First Lord of the Bedchamberwas kneeling by his couch. The gladness of the lying dream fadedaway--the poor boy recognised that he was still a captive and aking. The room was filled with courtiers clothed in purplemantles--the mourning colour--and with noble servants of themonarch. Tom sat up in bed and gazed out from the heavy silkencurtains upon this fine company.The weighty business of dressing began, and one courtier afteranother knelt and paid his court and offered to the little Kinghis condolences upon his heavy loss, whilst the dressingproceeded. In the beginning, a shirt was taken up by the ChiefEquerry in Waiting, who passed it to the First Lord of theBuckhounds, who passed it to the Second Gentleman of theBedchamber, who passed it to the Head Ranger of Windsor Forest,who passed it to the Third Groom of the Stole, who passed it tothe Chancellor Royal of the Duchy of Lancaster, who passed it tothe Master of the Wardrobe, who passed it to Norroy King-at-Arms,who passed it to the Constable of the Tower, who passed it to theChief Steward of the Household, who passed it to the HereditaryGrand Diaperer, who passed it to the Lord High Admiral of England,who passed it to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who passed it tothe First Lord of the Bedchamber, who took what was left of it andput it on Tom. Poor little wondering chap, it reminded him ofpassing buckets at a fire.Each garment in its turn had to go through this slow and solemnprocess; consequently Tom grew very weary of the ceremony; soweary that he felt an almost gushing gratefulness when he at lastsaw his long silken hose begin the journey down the line and knewthat the end of the matter was drawing near. But he exulted toosoon. The First Lord of the Bedchamber received the hose and wasabout to encase Tom's legs in them, when a sudden flush invadedhis face and he hurriedly hustled the things back into the handsof the Archbishop of Canterbury with an astounded look and awhispered, "See, my lord!" pointing to a something connected withthe hose. The Archbishop paled, then flushed, and passed the hoseto the Lord High Admiral, whispering, "See, my lord!" The Admiralpassed the hose to the Hereditary Grand Diaperer, and had hardlybreath enough in his body to ejaculate, "See, my lord!" The hosedrifted backward along the line, to the Chief Steward of theHousehold, the Constable of the Tower, Norroy King-at-Arms, theMaster of the Wardrobe, the Chancellor Royal of the Duchy ofLancaster, the Third Groom of the Stole, the Head Ranger ofWindsor Forest, the Second Gentleman of the Bedchamber, the FirstLord of the Buckhounds,--accompanied always with that amazed andfrightened "See! see!"--till they finally reached the hands of theChief Equerry in Waiting, who gazed a moment, with a pallid face,upon what had caused all this dismay, then hoarsely whispered,"Body of my life, a tag gone from a truss-point!--to the Towerwith the Head Keeper of the King's Hose!"--after which he leanedupon the shoulder of the First Lord of the Buckhounds to regatherhis vanished strength whilst fresh hose, without any damagedstrings to them, were brought.But all things must have an end, and so in time Tom Canty was in acondition to get out of bed. The proper official poured water,the proper official engineered the washing, the proper officialstood by with a towel, and by-and-by Tom got safely through thepurifying stage and was ready for the services of the Hairdresser-royal. When he at length emerged from this master's hands, he wasa gracious figure and as pretty as a girl, in his mantle andtrunks of purple satin, and purple-plumed cap. He now moved instate toward his breakfast-room, through the midst of the courtlyassemblage; and as he passed, these fell back, leaving his wayfree, and dropped upon their knees.After breakfast he was conducted, with regal ceremony, attended byhis great officers and his guard of fifty Gentlemen Pensionersbearing gilt battle-axes, to the throne-room, where he proceededto transact business of state. His 'uncle,' Lord Hertford, tookhis stand by the throne, to assist the royal mind with wisecounsel.The body of illustrious men named by the late King as hisexecutors appeared, to ask Tom's approval of certain acts oftheirs--rather a form, and yet not wholly a form, since there wasno Protector as yet. The Archbishop of Canterbury made report ofthe decree of the Council of Executors concerning the obsequies ofhis late most illustrious Majesty, and finished by reading thesignatures of the Executors, to wit: the Archbishop ofCanterbury; the Lord Chancellor of England; William Lord St. John;John Lord Russell; Edward Earl of Hertford; John Viscount Lisle;Cuthbert Bishop of Durham--Tom was not listening--an earlier clause of the document waspuzzling him. At this point he turned and whispered to LordHertford--"What day did he say the burial hath been appointed for?""The sixteenth of the coming month, my liege.""'Tis a strange folly. Will he keep?"Poor chap, he was still new to the customs of royalty; he was usedto seeing the forlorn dead of Offal Court hustled out of the waywith a very different sort of expedition. However, the LordHertford set his mind at rest with a word or two.A secretary of state presented an order of the Council appointingthe morrow at eleven for the reception of the foreign ambassadors,and desired the King's assent.Tom turned an inquiring look toward Hertford, who whispered--"Your Majesty will signify consent. They come to testify theirroyal masters' sense of the heavy calamity which hath visited yourGrace and the realm of England."Tom did as he was bidden. Another secretary began to read apreamble concerning the expenses of the late King's household,which had amounted to 28,000 pounds during the preceding sixmonths--a sum so vast that it made Tom Canty gasp; he gasped againwhen the fact appeared that 20,000 pounds of this money was stillowing and unpaid; {4} and once more when it appeared that theKing's coffers were about empty, and his twelve hundred servantsmuch embarrassed for lack of the wages due them. Tom spoke out,with lively apprehension--"We be going to the dogs, 'tis plain. 'Tis meet and necessarythat we take a smaller house and set the servants at large, siththey be of no value but to make delay, and trouble one withoffices that harass the spirit and shame the soul, theymisbecoming any but a doll, that hath nor brains nor hands to helpitself withal. I remember me of a small house that standeth overagainst the fish-market, by Billingsgate--"A sharp pressure upon Tom's arm stopped his foolish tongue andsent a blush to his face; but no countenance there betrayed anysign that this strange speech had been remarked or given concern.A secretary made report that forasmuch as the late King hadprovided in his will for conferring the ducal degree upon the Earlof Hertford and raising his brother, Sir Thomas Seymour, to thepeerage, and likewise Hertford's son to an earldom, together withsimilar aggrandisements to other great servants of the Crown, theCouncil had resolved to hold a sitting on the 16th of February forthe delivering and confirming of these honours, and that meantime,the late King not having granted, in writing, estates suitable tothe support of these dignities, the Council, knowing his privatewishes in that regard, had thought proper to grant to Seymour '500pound lands,' and to Hertford's son '800 pound lands, and 300pound of the next bishop's lands which should fall vacant,'--hispresent Majesty being willing. {5}Tom was about to blurt out something about the propriety of payingthe late King's debts first, before squandering all this money,but a timely touch upon his arm, from the thoughtful Hertford,saved him this indiscretion; wherefore he gave the royal assent,without spoken comment, but with much inward discomfort. While hesat reflecting a moment over the ease with which he was doingstrange and glittering miracles, a happy thought shot into hismind: why not make his mother Duchess of Offal Court, and giveher an estate? But a sorrowful thought swept it instantly away:he was only a king in name, these grave veterans and great nobleswere his masters; to them his mother was only the creature of adiseased mind; they would simply listen to his project withunbelieving ears, then send for the doctor.The dull work went tediously on. Petitions were read, andproclamations, patents, and all manner of wordy, repetitious, andwearisome papers relating to the public business; and at last Tomsighed pathetically and murmured to himself, "In what have Ioffended, that the good God should take me away from the fieldsand the free air and the sunshine, to shut me up here and make mea king and afflict me so?" Then his poor muddled head nodded awhile and presently drooped to his shoulder; and the business ofthe empire came to a standstill for want of that august factor,the ratifying power. Silence ensued around the slumbering child,and the sages of the realm ceased from their deliberations.During the forenoon, Tom had an enjoyable hour, by permission ofhis keepers, Hertford and St. John, with the Lady Elizabeth andthe little Lady Jane Grey; though the spirits of the princesseswere rather subdued by the mighty stroke that had fallen upon theroyal house; and at the end of the visit his 'elder sister'--afterwards the 'Bloody Mary' of history--chilled him with a solemninterview which had but one merit in his eyes, its brevity. Hehad a few moments to himself, and then a slim lad of about twelveyears of age was admitted to his presence, whose clothing, excepthis snowy ruff and the laces about his wrists, was of black,--doublet, hose, and all. He bore no badge of mourning but a knotof purple ribbon on his shoulder. He advanced hesitatingly, withhead bowed and bare, and dropped upon one knee in front of Tom.Tom sat still and contemplated him soberly a moment. Then hesaid--"Rise, lad. Who art thou. What wouldst have?"The boy rose, and stood at graceful ease, but with an aspect ofconcern in his face. He said--"Of a surety thou must remember me, my lord. I am thy whipping-boy.""My whipping-boy?""The same, your Grace. I am Humphrey--Humphrey Marlow."Tom perceived that here was someone whom his keepers ought to haveposted him about. The situation was delicate. What should hedo?--pretend he knew this lad, and then betray by his everyutterance that he had never heard of him before? No, that wouldnot do. An idea came to his relief: accidents like this might belikely to happen with some frequency, now that business urgencieswould often call Hertford and St. John from his side, they beingmembers of the Council of Executors; therefore perhaps it would bewell to strike out a plan himself to meet the requirements of suchemergencies. Yes, that would be a wise course--he would practiseon this boy, and see what sort of success he might achieve. So hestroked his brow perplexedly a moment or two, and presently said--"Now I seem to remember thee somewhat--but my wit is clogged anddim with suffering--""Alack, my poor master!" ejaculated the whipping-boy, withfeeling; adding, to himself, "In truth 'tis as they said--his mindis gone--alas, poor soul! But misfortune catch me, how am Iforgetting! They said one must not seem to observe that aught iswrong with him.""'Tis strange how my memory doth wanton with me these days," saidTom. "But mind it not--I mend apace--a little clue doth oftenserve to bring me back again the things and names which hadescaped me. (And not they, only, forsooth, but e'en such as Ine'er heard before--as this lad shall see.) Give thy businessspeech.""'Tis matter of small weight, my liege, yet will I touch upon it,an' it please your Grace. Two days gone by, when your Majestyfaulted thrice in your Greek--in the morning lessons,--dostremember it?""Y-e-s--methinks I do. (It is not much of a lie--an' I hadmeddled with the Greek at all, I had not faulted simply thrice,but forty times.) Yes, I do recall it, now--go on.""The master, being wroth with what he termed such slovenly anddoltish work, did promise that he would soundly whip me for it--and--""Whip thee!" said Tom, astonished out of his presence of mind."Why should he whip thee for faults of mine?""Ah, your Grace forgetteth again. He always scourgeth me whenthou dost fail in thy lessons.""True, true--I had forgot. Thou teachest me in private--then if Ifail, he argueth that thy office was lamely done, and--""Oh, my liege, what words are these? I, the humblest of thyservants, presume to teach thee?""Then where is thy blame? What riddle is this? Am I in truthgone mad, or is it thou? Explain--speak out.""But, good your Majesty, there's nought that needeth simplifying.--None may visit the sacred person of the Prince of Wales withblows; wherefore, when he faulteth, 'tis I that take them; andmeet it is and right, for that it is mine office and mylivelihood." {1}Tom stared at the tranquil boy, observing to himself, "Lo, it is awonderful thing,--a most strange and curious trade; I marvel theyhave not hired a boy to take my combings and my dressings for me--would heaven they would!--an' they will do this thing, I will takemy lashings in mine own person, giving God thanks for the change."Then he said aloud--"And hast thou been beaten, poor friend, according to thepromise?""No, good your Majesty, my punishment was appointed for this day,and peradventure it may be annulled, as unbefitting the season ofmourning that is come upon us; I know not, and so have made boldto come hither and remind your Grace about your gracious promiseto intercede in my behalf--""With the master? To save thee thy whipping?""Ah, thou dost remember!""My memory mendeth, thou seest. Set thy mind at ease--thy backshall go unscathed--I will see to it.""Oh, thanks, my good lord!" cried the boy, dropping upon his kneeagain. "Mayhap I have ventured far enow; and yet--"Seeing Master Humphrey hesitate, Tom encouraged him to go on,saying he was "in the granting mood.""Then will I speak it out, for it lieth near my heart. Sith thouart no more Prince of Wales but King, thou canst order matters asthou wilt, with none to say thee nay; wherefore it is not inreason that thou wilt longer vex thyself with dreary studies, butwilt burn thy books and turn thy mind to things less irksome.Then am I ruined, and mine orphan sisters with me!""Ruined? Prithee how?""My back is my bread, O my gracious liege! if it go idle, Istarve. An' thou cease from study mine office is gone thou'ltneed no whipping-boy. Do not turn me away!"Tom was touched with this pathetic distress. He said, with aright royal burst of generosity--"Discomfort thyself no further, lad. Thine office shall bepermanent in thee and thy line for ever." Then he struck the boya light blow on the shoulder with the flat of his sword,exclaiming, "Rise, Humphrey Marlow, Hereditary Grand Whipping-Boyto the Royal House of England! Banish sorrow--I will betake me tomy books again, and study so ill that they must in justice treblethy wage, so mightily shall the business of thine office beaugmented."The grateful Humphrey responded fervidly--"Thanks, O most noble master, this princely lavishness doth farsurpass my most distempered dreams of fortune. Now shall I behappy all my days, and all the house of Marlow after me."Tom had wit enough to perceive that here was a lad who could beuseful to him. He encouraged Humphrey to talk, and he was nothingloath. He was delighted to believe that he was helping in Tom's'cure'; for always, as soon as he had finished calling back toTom's diseased mind the various particulars of his experiences andadventures in the royal school-room and elsewhere about thepalace, he noticed that Tom was then able to 'recall' thecircumstances quite clearly. At the end of an hour Tom foundhimself well freighted with very valuable information concerningpersonages and matters pertaining to the Court; so he resolved todraw instruction from this source daily; and to this end he wouldgive order to admit Humphrey to the royal closet whenever he mightcome, provided the Majesty of England was not engaged with otherpeople. Humphrey had hardly been dismissed when my Lord Hertfordarrived with more trouble for Tom.He said that the Lords of the Council, fearing that someoverwrought report of the King's damaged health might have leakedout and got abroad, they deemed it wise and best that his Majestyshould begin to dine in public after a day or two--his wholesomecomplexion and vigorous step, assisted by a carefully guardedrepose of manner and ease and grace of demeanour, would moresurely quiet the general pulse--in case any evil rumours had goneabout--than any other scheme that could be devised.Then the Earl proceeded, very delicately, to instruct Tom as tothe observances proper to the stately occasion, under the ratherthin disguise of 'reminding' him concerning things already knownto him; but to his vast gratification it turned out that Tomneeded very little help in this line--he had been making use ofHumphrey in that direction, for Humphrey had mentioned that withina few days he was to begin to dine in public; having gathered itfrom the swift-winged gossip of the Court. Tom kept these factsto himself, however.Seeing the royal memory so improved, the Earl ventured to apply afew tests to it, in an apparently casual way, to find out how farits amendment had progressed. The results were happy, here andthere, in spots--spots where Humphrey's tracks remained--and onthe whole my lord was greatly pleased and encouraged. Soencouraged was he, indeed, that he spoke up and said in a quitehopeful voice--"Now am I persuaded that if your Majesty will but tax your memoryyet a little further, it will resolve the puzzle of the GreatSeal--a loss which was of moment yesterday, although of none to-day, since its term of service ended with our late lord's life.May it please your Grace to make the trial?"Tom was at sea--a Great Seal was something which he was totallyunacquainted with. After a moment's hesitation he looked upinnocently and asked--"What was it like, my lord?"The Earl started, almost imperceptibly, muttering to himself,"Alack, his wits are flown again!--it was ill wisdom to lead himon to strain them"--then he deftly turned the talk to othermatters, with the purpose of sweeping the unlucky seal out ofTom's thoughts--a purpose which easily succeeded.