The Relic

by Guy de Maupassant

　　

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"To the Abbe Louis d'Ennemare, at Soissons.My Dear Abbe."My marriage with your cousin is broken off in the most stupid way, allon account of an idiotic trick which I almost involuntarily played myintedded. In my perplexity I turn to you, my old school chum, for youmay be able to help me out of the difficulty. If you can, I shall begrateful to you until I die."You know Gilberte, or, rather, you think you know her, but do we everunderstand women? All their opinions, their ideas, their creeds, are asurprise to us. They are all full of twists and turns, cf theunforeseen, of unintelligible arguments, of defective logic and ofobstinate ideas, which seem final, but which they alter because a littlebird came and perched on the window ledge."I need not tell you that your cousin is very religious, as she wasbrought up by the White (or was it the Black?) Ladies at Nancy. You knowthat better than I do, but what you perhaps do not know is, that she isjust as excitable about other matters as she is about religion. Her headflies away, just as a leaf is whirled away by the wind; and she is a truewoman, or, rather, girl, for she is moved or made angry in a moment,starting off at a gallop in affection, just as she does in hatred, andreturning in the same manner; and she is pretty--as you know, and morecharming than I can say--as you will never know."Well, we became engaged, and I adored her, as I adore her still, and sheappeared to love me."One evening, I received a telegram summoning me to Cologne for aconsultation, which might be followed by a serious and difficultoperation, and as I had to start the next morning, I went to wishGilberte good-by, and tell her why I could not dine with them onWednesday, but would do so on Friday, the day of my return. Ah! Bewareof Fridays, for I assure you they are unlucky!"When I told her that I had to go to Germany, I saw that her eyes filledwith tears, but when I said I should be back very soon, she clapped herhands, and said:"'I am very glad you are going, then! You must bring me back something;a mere trifle, just a souvenir, but a souvenir that you have chosen forme. You must guess what I should like best, do you hear? And then Ishall see whether you have any imagination.'"She thought for a few moments, and then added:"'I forbid you to spend more than twenty francs on it. I want it for theintention, and for a remembrance of your penetration, and not for itsintrinsic value:"And then, after another moment's silence, she said, in a low voice, andwith downcast eyes:"'If it costs you nothing in money, but is something very ingenious andpretty, I will--I will kiss you.'"The next day I was in Cologne. It was a case of a terrible accident,which had plunged a whole family into despair, and a difficult amputationwas necessary. They lodged me in the house; I might say, they almostlocked me up, and I saw nobody but people in tears, who almost deafenedme with their lamentations; I operated on a man who appeared to be in amoribund state, and who nearly died under my hands, and with whom Iremained two nights; and then, when I saw that there was a chance of hisrecovery, I drove to the station. I had, however, made a mistake in thetrains, and I had an hour to wait, and so I wandered about the streets,still thinking of my poor patient, when a man accosted me. I do not knowGerman, and he was totally ignorant of French, but at last I made outthat he was offering me some relics. I thought of Gilberte, for I knewher fanatical devotion, and here was my present ready to hand, so Ifollowed the man into a shop where religious objects were for sale, and Ibought a small piece of a bone of one of the Eleven Thousand Virgins."The pretended relic was inclosed in a charming old silver box, and thatdetermined my choice, and, putting my purchase into my pocket, I went tothe railway station, and so on to Paris."As soon as I got home, I wished to examine my purchase again, and ontaking hold of it, I found that the box was open, and the relic missing!I searched in vain in my pocket, and turned it inside out; the small bitof bone, which was no bigger than half a pin, had disappeared."You know, my dear little Abbe, that my faith is not very fervent, but,as my friend, you are magnanimous enough to put up with my lukewarmness,and to leave me alone, and to wait for the future, so you say. But Iabsolutely disbelieve in the relics of secondhand dealers in piety, andyou share my doubts in that respect. Therefore, the loss of that bit ofsheep's carcass did not grieve me, and I easily procured a similarfragment, which I carefully fastened inside my jewel-box, and then I wentto see my intended."As soon as she saw me, she ran up to me, smiling and eager, and, said tome:"'What have you brought me?'"I pretended to have forgotten, but she did not believe me, and I madeher beg, and even beseech me. But when I saw that she was devoured bycuriosity, I gave her the sacred silver box. She appeared overjoyed."'A relic! Oh! A relic!'"And she kissed the box passionately, so that I was ashamed of mydeception. She was not quite satisfied, however, and her uneasiness soonturned to terrible fear, and looking straight into my eyes, she said:"'Are you sure-that it is genuine?'"'Absolutely certain.'"'How can you be so certain?'"I was trapped; for to say that I had bought it of a man in the streetswould be my destruction. What was I to say? A wild idea struck me, andI said, in a low, mysterious voice:"'I stole it for you.'"She looked at me with astonishment and delight in her large eyes."'Oh! You stole it? Where?'"'In the cathedral; in the very shrine of the Eleven Thousand Virgins.'"Her heart beat with pleasure, and she murmured:"'Oh! Did you really do that-for me? Tell me-all about it!'"That was the climax; I could not retract what I had said. I made up afanciful story; with precise details: I had given the custodian of thebuilding a hundred francs to be allowed to go about the building bymyself; the shrine was being repaired, but I happened to be there at thebreakfast hour of the workmen and clergy; by removing a small panel, Ihad been enabled to seize a small piece of bone (oh! so small), among aquantity of others (I said a quantity, as I thought of the amount thatthe remains of the skeletons of eleven thousand virgins must produce).Then I went to a goldsmith's and bought a casket worthy of the relic; andI was not sorry to let her know that the silver box cost me five hundredfrancs."But she did not think of that; she listened to me, trembling, in anecstasy, and whispering: 'How I love you!' she threw herself into myarms."Just note this: I had committed sacrilege for her sake. I had committeda theft; I had violated a church; I had violated a shrine; violated andstolen holy relics, and for that she adored me, thought me perfect,tender, divine. Such is woman, my dear Abbe, every woman."For two months I was the most admirable of lovers. In her room, she hadmade a kind of magnificent chapel in which to keep this bit of muttonchop, which, as she thought, had made me commit that divine love-crime,and she worked up her religious enthusiasm in front of it every morningand evening. I had asked her to keep the matter secret, for fear, as Isaid, that I might be arrested, condemned, and given over to Germany, andshe kept her promise."Well, at the beginning of the summer, she was seized with anirresistible desire to see the scene of my exploit, and she teased herfather so persistently (without telling him her secret reason), that hetook her to Cologne, but without telling me of their trip, according tohis daughter's wish."I need not tell you that I had not seen the interior of the cathedral.I do not know where the tomb (if there be a tomb) of the Eleven ThousandVirgins is; and then, it appears, it is unapproachable, alas!"A week afterward, I received ten lines, breaking off our engagement, andthen an explanatory letter from her father, whom she had, somewhat late,taken into her confidence."At the sight of the shrine, she had suddenly seen through my trickeryand my lie, and at the same time discovered my real innocence of anycrime. Having asked the keeper of the relics whether any robbery hadbeen committed, the man began to laugh, and pointed out to them howimpossible such a crime was. But, from the moment that I had not plungedmy profane hand into venerable relics, I was no longer worthy of my fair-haired, sensitive betrothed."I was forbidden the house; I begged and prayed in vain; nothing couldmove the fair devotee, and I became ill from grief. Well, last week, hercousin, Madame d'Arville, who is your cousin also, sent me word that sheshould like to see me, and when I called, she told me on what conditionsI might obtain my pardon, and here they are. I must bring her a relic, areal, authentic relic of some virgin and martyr, certified to be such byour Holy Father, the Pope, and I am going mad from embarrassment andanxiety."I will go to Rome, if needful, but I cannot call on the Popeunexpectedly, to tell him my stupid misadventure; and, besides, I doubtwhether they allow private individuals to have relics. Could not yougive me an introduction to some cardinal, or even to some French prelatewho possesses some remains of a female saint? Or, perhaps, you may havethe precious object she wants in your collection?"Help me out of my difficulty, my dear Abbe, and I promise you that Iwill be converted ten years sooner than I otherwise should be!"Madame d'Arville, who takes the matter seriously, said to me the otherday:"'Poor Gilberte will never marry.'"My dear old schoolmate, will you allow your cousin to die the victim ofa stupid piece of subterfuge on my part? Pray prevent her from beingvirgin eleven thousand and one."Pardon me, I am unworthy, but I embrace vou, and love you with all myheart."Your old friend,"HENRI FONTAL."

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