The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether
The movie Stonehearst Asylum was based on this short story by Edgar Allan Poe
DURING the autumn of 18--, while on a tour through the extremesouthern provinces of France, my route led me within a few miles of acertain Maison de Sante or private mad-house, about which I had heardmuch in Paris from my medical friends. As I had never visited a placeof the kind, I thought the opportunity too good to be lost; and soproposed to my travelling companion (a gentleman with whom I had madecasual acquaintance a few days before) that we should turn aside, foran hour or so, and look through the establishment. To this heobjected -- pleading haste in the first place, and, in the second, avery usual horror at the sight of a lunatic. He begged me, however,not to let any mere courtesy towards himself interfere with thegratification of my curiosity, and said that he would ride onleisurely, so that I might overtake him during the day, or, at allevents, during the next. As he bade me good-bye, I bethought me thatthere might be some difficulty in obtaining access to the premises,and mentioned my fears on this point. He replied that, in fact,unless I had personal knowledge of the superintendent, MonsieurMaillard, or some credential in the way of a letter, a difficultymight be found to exist, as the regulations of these privatemad-houses were more rigid than the public hospital laws. Forhimself, he added, he had, some years since, made the acquaintance ofMaillard, and would so far assist me as to ride up to the door andintroduce me; although his feelings on the subject of lunacy wouldnot permit of his entering the house.I thanked him, and, turning from the main road, we entered agrass-grown by-path, which, in half an hour, nearly lost itself in adense forest, clothing the base of a mountain. Through this dank andgloomy wood we rode some two miles, when the Maison de Sante came inview. It was a fantastic chateau, much dilapidated, and indeedscarcely tenantable through age and neglect. Its aspect inspired mewith absolute dread, and, checking my horse, I half resolved to turnback. I soon, however, grew ashamed of my weakness, and proceeded.As we rode up to the gate-way, I perceived it slightly open, and thevisage of a man peering through. In an instant afterward, this mancame forth, accosted my companion by name, shook him cordially by thehand, and begged him to alight. It was Monsieur Maillard himself. Hewas a portly, fine-looking gentleman of the old school, with apolished manner, and a certain air of gravity, dignity, and authoritywhich was very impressive.My friend, having presented me, mentioned my desire to inspect theestablishment, and received Monsieur Maillard's assurance that hewould show me all attention, now took leave, and I saw him no more.When he had gone, the superintendent ushered me into a small andexceedingly neat parlor, containing, among other indications ofrefined taste, many books, drawings, pots of flowers, and musicalinstruments. A cheerful fire blazed upon the hearth. At a piano,singing an aria from Bellini, sat a young and very beautiful woman,who, at my entrance, paused in her song, and received me withgraceful courtesy. Her voice was low, and her whole manner subdued. Ithought, too, that I perceived the traces of sorrow in hercountenance, which was excessively, although to my taste, notunpleasingly, pale. She was attired in deep mourning, and excited inmy bosom a feeling of mingled respect, interest, and admiration.I had heard, at Paris, that the institution of Monsieur Maillard wasmanaged upon what is vulgarly termed the "system of soothing" -- thatall punishments were avoided -- that even confinement was seldomresorted to -- that the patients, while secretly watched, were leftmuch apparent liberty, and that most of them were permitted to roamabout the house and grounds in the ordinary apparel of persons inright mind.Keeping these impressions in view, I was cautious in what I saidbefore the young lady; for I could not be sure that she was sane;and, in fact, there was a certain restless brilliancy about her eyeswhich half led me to imagine she was not. I confined my remarks,therefore, to general topics, and to such as I thought would not bedispleasing or exciting even to a lunatic. She replied in a perfectlyrational manner to all that I said; and even her originalobservations were marked with the soundest good sense, but a longacquaintance with the metaphysics of mania, had taught me to put nofaith in such evidence of sanity, and I continued to practise,throughout the interview, the caution with which I commenced it.Presently a smart footman in livery brought in a tray with fruit,wine, and other refreshments, of which I partook, the lady soonafterward leaving the room. As she departed I turned my eyes in aninquiring manner toward my host."No," he said, "oh, no -- a member of my family -- my niece, and amost accomplished woman.""I beg a thousand pardons for the suspicion," I replied, "but ofcourse you will know how to excuse me. The excellent administrationof your affairs here is well understood in Paris, and I thought itjust possible, you know-"Yes, yes -- say no more -- or rather it is myself who should thankyou for the commendable prudence you have displayed. We seldom findso much of forethought in young men; and, more than once, someunhappy contre-temps has occurred in consequence of thoughtlessnesson the part of our visitors. While my former system was in operation,and my patients were permitted the privilege of roaming to and fro atwill, they were often aroused to a dangerous frenzy by injudiciouspersons who called to inspect the house. Hence I was obliged toenforce a rigid system of exclusion; and none obtained access to thepremises upon whose discretion I could not rely.""While your former system was in operation!" I said, repeating hiswords -- "do I understand you, then, to say that the 'soothingsystem' of which I have heard so much is no longer in force?""It is now," he replied, "several weeks since we have concluded torenounce it forever.""Indeed! you astonish me!""We found it, sir," he said, with a sigh, "absolutely necessary toreturn to the old usages. The danger of the soothing system was, atall times, appalling; and its advantages have been much overrated. Ibelieve, sir, that in this house it has been given a fair trial, ifever in any. We did every thing that rational humanity could suggest.I am sorry that you could not have paid us a visit at an earlierperiod, that you might have judged for yourself. But I presume youare conversant with the soothing practice -- with its details.""Not altogether. What I have heard has been at third or fourth hand.""I may state the system, then, in general terms, as one in which thepatients were menages-humored. We contradicted no fancies whichentered the brains of the mad. On the contrary, we not only indulgedbut encouraged them; and many of our most permanent cures have beenthus effected. There is no argument which so touches the feeblereason of the madman as the argumentum ad absurdum. We have had men,for example, who fancied themselves chickens. The cure was, to insistupon the thing as a fact -- to accuse the patient of stupidity in notsufficiently perceiving it to be a fact -- and thus to refuse him anyother diet for a week than that which properly appertains to achicken. In this manner a little corn and gravel were made to performwonders.""But was this species of acquiescence all?""By no means. We put much faith in amusements of a simple kind, suchas music, dancing, gymnastic exercises generally, cards, certainclasses of books, and so forth. We affected to treat each individualas if for some ordinary physical disorder, and the word 'lunacy' wasnever employed. A great point was to set each lunatic to guard theactions of all the others. To repose confidence in the understandingor discretion of a madman, is to gain him body and soul. In this waywe were enabled to dispense with an expensive body of keepers.""And you had no punishments of any kind?""None.""And you never confined your patients?""Very rarely. Now and then, the malady of some individual growing toa crisis, or taking a sudden turn of fury, we conveyed him to asecret cell, lest his disorder should infect the rest, and there kepthim until we could dismiss him to his friends -- for with the ragingmaniac we have nothing to do. He is usually removed to the publichospitals.""And you have now changed all this -- and you think for the better?""Decidedly. The system had its disadvantages, and even its dangers.It is now, happily, exploded throughout all the Maisons de Sante ofFrance.""I am very much surprised," I said, "at what you tell me; for I madesure that, at this moment, no other method of treatment for maniaexisted in any portion of the country.""You are young yet, my friend," replied my host, "but the time willarrive when you will learn to judge for yourself of what is going onin the world, without trusting to the gossip of others. Believenothing you hear, and only one-half that you see. Now about ourMaisons de Sante, it is clear that some ignoramus has misled you.After dinner, however, when you have sufficiently recovered from thefatigue of your ride, I will be happy to take you over the house, andintroduce to you a system which, in my opinion, and in that of everyone who has witnessed its operation, is incomparably the mosteffectual as yet devised.""Your own?" I inquired -- "one of your own invention?""I am proud," he replied, "to acknowledge that it is -- at least insome measure."In this manner I conversed with Monsieur Maillard for an hour or two,during which he showed me the gardens and conservatories of theplace."I cannot let you see my patients," he said, "just at present. To asensitive mind there is always more or less of the shocking in suchexhibitions; and I do not wish to spoil your appetite for dinner. Wewill dine. I can give you some veal a la Menehoult, with cauliflowersin veloute sauce -- after that a glass of Clos de Vougeot -- thenyour nerves will be sufficiently steadied."At six, dinner was announced; and my host conducted me into a largesalle a manger, where a very numerous company were assembled --twenty-five or thirty in all. They were, apparently, people ofrank-certainly of high breeding -- although their habiliments, Ithought, were extravagantly rich, partaking somewhat too much of theostentatious finery of the vielle cour. I noticed that at leasttwo-thirds of these guests were ladies; and some of the latter wereby no means accoutred in what a Parisian would consider good taste atthe present day. Many females, for example, whose age could not havebeen less than seventy were bedecked with a profusion of jewelry,such as rings, bracelets, and earrings, and wore their bosoms andarms shamefully bare. I observed, too, that very few of the dresseswere well made -- or, at least, that very few of them fitted thewearers. In looking about, I discovered the interesting girl to whomMonsieur Maillard had presented me in the little parlor; but mysurprise was great to see her wearing a hoop and farthingale, withhigh-heeled shoes, and a dirty cap of Brussels lace, so much toolarge for her that it gave her face a ridiculously diminutiveexpression. When I had first seen her, she was attired, mostbecomingly, in deep mourning. There was an air of oddity, in short,about the dress of the whole party, which, at first, caused me torecur to my original idea of the "soothing system," and to fancy thatMonsieur Maillard had been willing to deceive me until after dinner,that I might experience no uncomfortable feelings during the repast,at finding myself dining with lunatics; but I remembered having beeninformed, in Paris, that the southern provincialists were apeculiarly eccentric people, with a vast number of antiquatednotions; and then, too, upon conversing with several members of thecompany, my apprehensions were immediately and fully dispelled.The dining-room itself, although perhaps sufficiently comfortable andof good dimensions, had nothing too much of elegance about it. Forexample, the floor was uncarpeted; in France, however, a carpet isfrequently dispensed with. The windows, too, were without curtains;the shutters, being shut, were securely fastened with iron bars,applied diagonally, after the fashion of our ordinary shop-shutters.The apartment, I observed, formed, in itself, a wing of the chateau,and thus the windows were on three sides of the parallelogram, thedoor being at the other. There were no less than ten windows in all.The table was superbly set out. It was loaded with plate, and morethan loaded with delicacies. The profusion was absolutely barbaric.There were meats enough to have feasted the Anakim. Never, in all mylife, had I witnessed so lavish, so wasteful an expenditure of thegood things of life. There seemed very little taste, however, in thearrangements; and my eyes, accustomed to quiet lights, were sadlyoffended by the prodigious glare of a multitude of wax candles,which, in silver candelabra, were deposited upon the table, and allabout the room, wherever it was possible to find a place. There wereseveral active servants in attendance; and, upon a large table, atthe farther end of the apartment, were seated seven or eight peoplewith fiddles, fifes, trombones, and a drum. These fellows annoyed mevery much, at intervals, during the repast, by an infinite variety ofnoises, which were intended for music, and which appeared to affordmuch entertainment to all present, with the exception of myself.Upon the whole, I could not help thinking that there was much of thebizarre about every thing I saw -- but then the world is made up ofall kinds of persons, with all modes of thought, and all sorts ofconventional customs. I had travelled, too, so much, as to be quitean adept at the nil admirari; so I took my seat very coolly at theright hand of my host, and, having an excellent appetite, did justiceto the good cheer set before me.The conversation, in the meantime, was spirited and general. Theladies, as usual, talked a great deal. I soon found that nearly allthe company were well educated; and my host was a world ofgood-humored anecdote in himself. He seemed quite willing to speak ofhis position as superintendent of a Maison de Sante; and, indeed, thetopic of lunacy was, much to my surprise, a favorite one with allpresent. A great many amusing stories were told, having reference tothe whims of the patients."We had a fellow here once," said a fat little gentleman, who sat atmy right, -- "a fellow that fancied himself a tea-pot; and by theway, is it not especially singular how often this particular crotchethas entered the brain of the lunatic? There is scarcely an insaneasylum in France which cannot supply a human tea-pot. Our gentlemanwas a Britannia -- ware tea-pot, and was careful to polish himselfevery morning with buckskin and whiting.""And then," said a tall man just opposite, "we had here, not longago, a person who had taken it into his head that he was a donkey --which allegorically speaking, you will say, was quite true. He was atroublesome patient; and we had much ado to keep him within bounds.For a long time he would eat nothing but thistles; but of this ideawe soon cured him by insisting upon his eating nothing else. Then hewas perpetually kicking out his heels-so-so-""Mr. De Kock! I will thank you to behave yourself!" here interruptedan old lady, who sat next to the speaker. "Please keep your feet toyourself! You have spoiled my brocade! Is it necessary, pray, toillustrate a remark in so practical a style? Our friend here cansurely comprehend you without all this. Upon my word, you are nearlyas great a donkey as the poor unfortunate imagined himself. Youracting is very natural, as I live.""Mille pardons! Ma'm'selle!" replied Monsieur De Kock, thus addressed-- "a thousand pardons! I had no intention of offending. Ma'm'selleLaplace -- Monsieur De Kock will do himself the honor of taking winewith you."Here Monsieur De Kock bowed low, kissed his hand with much ceremony,and took wine with Ma'm'selle Laplace."Allow me, mon ami," now said Monsieur Maillard, addressing myself,"allow me to send you a morsel of this veal a la St. Menhoult -- youwill find it particularly fine."At this instant three sturdy waiters had just succeeded in depositingsafely upon the table an enormous dish, or trencher, containing whatI supposed to be the "monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumenademptum." A closer scrutiny assured me, however, that it was only asmall calf roasted whole, and set upon its knees, with an apple inits mouth, as is the English fashion of dressing a hare."Thank you, no," I replied; "to say the truth, I am not particularlypartial to veal a la St. -- what is it? -- for I do not find that italtogether agrees with me. I will change my plate, however, and trysome of the rabbit."There were several side-dishes on the table, containing what appearedto be the ordinary French rabbit -- a very delicious morceau, which Ican recommend."Pierre," cried the host, "change this gentleman's plate, and givehim a side-piece of this rabbit au-chat.""This what?" said I."This rabbit au-chat.""Why, thank you -- upon second thoughts, no. I will just help myselfto some of the ham."There is no knowing what one eats, thought I to myself, at the tablesof these people of the province. I will have none of their rabbitau-chat -- and, for the matter of that, none of their cat-au-rabbiteither."And then," said a cadaverous looking personage, near the foot of thetable, taking up the thread of the conversation where it had beenbroken off, -- "and then, among other oddities, we had a patient,once upon a time, who very pertinaciously maintained himself to be aCordova cheese, and went about, with a knife in his hand, solicitinghis friends to try a small slice from the middle of his leg.""He was a great fool, beyond doubt," interposed some one, "but not tobe compared with a certain individual whom we all know, with theexception of this strange gentleman. I mean the man who took himselffor a bottle of champagne, and always went off with a pop and a fizz,in this fashion."Here the speaker, very rudely, as I thought, put his right thumb inhis left cheek, withdrew it with a sound resembling the popping of acork, and then, by a dexterous movement of the tongue upon the teeth,created a sharp hissing and fizzing, which lasted for severalminutes, in imitation of the frothing of champagne. This behavior, Isaw plainly, was not very pleasing to Monsieur Maillard; but thatgentleman said nothing, and the conversation was resumed by a verylean little man in a big wig."And then there was an ignoramus," said he, "who mistook himself fora frog, which, by the way, he resembled in no little degree. I wishyou could have seen him, sir," -- here the speaker addressed myself-- "it would have done your heart good to see the natural airs thathe put on. Sir, if that man was not a frog, I can only observe thatit is a pity he was not. His croak thus -- o-o-o-o-gh -- o-o-o-o-gh!was the finest note in the world -- B flat; and when he put hiselbows upon the table thus -- after taking a glass or two of wine --and distended his mouth, thus, and rolled up his eyes, thus, andwinked them with excessive rapidity, thus, why then, sir, I take itupon myself to say, positively, that you would have been lost inadmiration of the genius of the man.""I have no doubt of it," I said."And then," said somebody else, "then there was Petit Gaillard, whothought himself a pinch of snuff, and was truly distressed because hecould not take himself between his own finger and thumb.""And then there was Jules Desoulieres, who was a very singulargenius, indeed, and went mad with the idea that he was a pumpkin. Hepersecuted the cook to make him up into pies -- a thing which thecook indignantly refused to do. For my part, I am by no means surethat a pumpkin pie a la Desoulieres would not have been very capitaleating indeed!""You astonish me!" said I; and I looked inquisitively at MonsieurMaillard."Ha! ha! ha!" said that gentleman -- "he! he! he! -- hi! hi! hi! --ho! ho! ho! -- hu! hu! hu! hu! -- very good indeed! You must not beastonished, mon ami; our friend here is a wit -- a drole -- you mustnot understand him to the letter.""And then," said some other one of the party, -- "then there wasBouffon Le Grand -- another extraordinary personage in his way. Hegrew deranged through love, and fancied himself possessed of twoheads. One of these he maintained to be the head of Cicero; the otherhe imagined a composite one, being Demosthenes' from the top of theforehead to the mouth, and Lord Brougham's from the mouth to thechin. It is not impossible that he was wrong; but he would haveconvinced you of his being in the right; for he was a man of greateloquence. He had an absolute passion for oratory, and could notrefrain from display. For example, he used to leap upon thedinner-table thus, and -- and-"Here a friend, at the side of the speaker, put a hand upon hisshoulder and whispered a few words in his ear, upon which he ceasedtalking with great suddenness, and sank back within his chair."And then," said the friend who had whispered, "there was Boullard,the tee-totum. I call him the tee-totum because, in fact, he wasseized with the droll but not altogether irrational crotchet, that hehad been converted into a tee-totum. You would have roared withlaughter to see him spin. He would turn round upon one heel by thehour, in this manner -- so-Here the friend whom he had just interrupted by a whisper, performedan exactly similar office for himself."But then," cried the old lady, at the top of her voice, "yourMonsieur Boullard was a madman, and a very silly madman at best; forwho, allow me to ask you, ever heard of a human tee-totum? The thingis absurd. Madame Joyeuse was a more sensible person, as you know.She had a crotchet, but it was instinct with common sense, and gavepleasure to all who had the honor of her acquaintance. She found,upon mature deliberation, that, by some accident, she had been turnedinto a chicken-cock; but, as such, she behaved with propriety. Sheflapped her wings with prodigious effect -- so -- so -- and, as forher crow, it was delicious! Cock-a-doodle-doo! -- cock-a-doodle-doo!-- cock-a-doodle-de-doo-dooo-do-o-o-o-o-o-o!""Madame Joyeuse, I will thank you to behave yourself!" hereinterrupted our host, very angrily. "You can either conduct yourselfas a lady should do, or you can quit the table forthwith-take yourchoice."The lady (whom I was much astonished to hear addressed as MadameJoyeuse, after the description of Madame Joyeuse she had just given)blushed up to the eyebrows, and seemed exceedingly abashed at thereproof. She hung down her head, and said not a syllable in reply.But another and younger lady resumed the theme. It was my beautifulgirl of the little parlor."Oh, Madame Joyeuse was a fool!" she exclaimed, "but there was reallymuch sound sense, after all, in the opinion of Eugenie Salsafette.She was a very beautiful and painfully modest young lady, who thoughtthe ordinary mode of habiliment indecent, and wished to dressherself, always, by getting outside instead of inside of her clothes.It is a thing very easily done, after all. You have only to do so --and then so -- so -- so -- and then so -- so -- so -- and then so --so -- and then-"Mon dieu! Ma'm'selle Salsafette!" here cried a dozen voices at once."What are you about? -- forbear! -- that is sufficient! -- we see,very plainly, how it is done! -- hold! hold!" and several personswere already leaping from their seats to withhold Ma'm'selleSalsafette from putting herself upon a par with the Medicean Venus,when the point was very effectually and suddenly accomplished by aseries of loud screams, or yells, from some portion of the main bodyof the chateau.My nerves were very much affected, indeed, by these yells; but therest of the company I really pitied. I never saw any set ofreasonable people so thoroughly frightened in my life. They all grewas pale as so many corpses, and, shrinking within their seats, satquivering and gibbering with terror, and listening for a repetitionof the sound. It came again -- louder and seemingly nearer -- andthen a third time very loud, and then a fourth time with a vigorevidently diminished. At this apparent dying away of the noise, thespirits of the company were immediately regained, and all was lifeand anecdote as before. I now ventured to inquire the cause of thedisturbance."A mere bagtelle," said Monsieur Maillard. "We are used to thesethings, and care really very little about them. The lunatics, everynow and then, get up a howl in concert; one starting another, as issometimes the case with a bevy of dogs at night. It occasionallyhappens, however, that the concerto yells are succeeded by asimultaneous effort at breaking loose, when, of course, some littledanger is to be apprehended.""And how many have you in charge?""At present we have not more than ten, altogether.""Principally females, I presume?""Oh, no -- every one of them men, and stout fellows, too, I can tellyou.""Indeed! I have always understood that the majority of lunatics wereof the gentler sex.""It is generally so, but not always. Some time ago, there were abouttwenty-seven patients here; and, of that number, no less thaneighteen were women; but, lately, matters have changed very much, asyou see.""Yes -- have changed very much, as you see," here interrupted thegentleman who had broken the shins of Ma'm'selle Laplace."Yes -- have changed very much, as you see!" chimed in the wholecompany at once."Hold your tongues, every one of you!" said my host, in a great rage.Whereupon the whole company maintained a dead silence for nearly aminute. As for one lady, she obeyed Monsieur Maillard to the letter,and thrusting out her tongue, which was an excessively long one, heldit very resignedly, with both hands, until the end of theentertainment."And this gentlewoman," said I, to Monsieur Maillard, bending overand addressing him in a whisper -- "this good lady who has justspoken, and who gives us the cock-a-doodle-de-doo -- she, I presume,is harmless -- quite harmless, eh?""Harmless!" ejaculated he, in unfeigned surprise, "why -- why, whatcan you mean?""Only slightly touched?" said I, touching my head. "I take it forgranted that she is not particularly not dangerously affected, eh?""Mon dieu! what is it you imagine? This lady, my particular oldfriend Madame Joyeuse, is as absolutely sane as myself. She has herlittle eccentricities, to be sure -- but then, you know, all oldwomen -- all very old women -- are more or less eccentric!""To be sure," said I, -- "to be sure -- and then the rest of theseladies and gentlemen-""Are my friends and keepers," interupted Monsieur Maillard, drawinghimself up with hauteur, -- "my very good friends and assistants.""What! all of them?" I asked, -- "the women and all?""Assuredly," he said, -- "we could not do at all without the women;they are the best lunatic nurses in the world; they have a way oftheir own, you know; their bright eyes have a marvellous effect; --something like the fascination of the snake, you know.""To be sure," said I, -- "to be sure! They behave a little odd, eh?-- they are a little queer, eh? -- don't you think so?""Odd! -- queer! -- why, do you really think so? We are not veryprudish, to be sure, here in the South -- do pretty much as we please-- enjoy life, and all that sort of thing, you know-""To be sure," said I, -- "to be sure."And then, perhaps, this Clos de Vougeot is a little heady, you know-- a little strong -- you understand, eh?""To be sure," said I, -- "to be sure. By the bye, Monsieur, did Iunderstand you to say that the system you have adopted, in place ofthe celebrated soothing system, was one of very rigorous severity?""By no means. Our confinement is necessarily close; but the treatment-- the medical treatment, I mean -- is rather agreeable to thepatients than otherwise.""And the new system is one of your own invention?""Not altogether. Some portions of it are referable to Professor Tarr,of whom you have, necessarily, heard; and, again, there aremodifications in my plan which I am happy to acknowledge as belongingof right to the celebrated Fether, with whom, if I mistake not, youhave the honor of an intimate acquaintance.""I am quite ashamed to confess," I replied, "that I have never evenheard the names of either gentleman before.""Good heavens!" ejaculated my host, drawing back his chair abruptly,and uplifting his hands. "I surely do not hear you aright! You didnot intend to say, eh? that you had never heard either of the learnedDoctor Tarr, or of the celebrated Professor Fether?""I am forced to acknowledge my ignorance," I replied; "but the truthshould be held inviolate above all things. Nevertheless, I feelhumbled to the dust, not to be acquainted with the works of these, nodoubt, extraordinary men. I will seek out their writings forthwith,and peruse them with deliberate care. Monsieur Maillard, you havereally -- I must confess it -- you have really -- made me ashamed ofmyself!"And this was the fact."Say no more, my good young friend," he said kindly, pressing myhand, -- "join me now in a glass of Sauterne."We drank. The company followed our example without stint. Theychatted -- they jested -- they laughed -- they perpetrated a thousandabsurdities -- the fiddles shrieked -- the drum row-de-dowed -- thetrombones bellowed like so many brazen bulls of Phalaris -- and thewhole scene, growing gradually worse and worse, as the wines gainedthe ascendancy, became at length a sort of pandemonium in petto. Inthe meantime, Monsieur Maillard and myself, with some bottles ofSauterne and Vougeot between us, continued our conversation at thetop of the voice. A word spoken in an ordinary key stood no morechance of being heard than the voice of a fish from the bottom ofNiagra Falls."And, sir," said I, screaming in his ear, "you mentioned somethingbefore dinner about the danger incurred in the old system ofsoothing. How is that?""Yes," he replied, "there was, occasionally, very great dangerindeed. There is no accounting for the caprices of madmen; and, in myopinion as well as in that of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether, it isnever safe to permit them to run at large unattended. A lunatic maybe 'soothed,' as it is called, for a time, but, in the end, he isvery apt to become obstreperous. His cunning, too, is proverbial andgreat. If he has a project in view, he conceals his design with amarvellous wisdom; and the dexterity with which he counterfeitssanity, presents, to the metaphysician, one of the most singularproblems in the study of mind. When a madman appears thoroughly sane,indeed, it is high time to put him in a straitjacket.""But the danger, my dear sir, of which you were speaking, in your ownexperience -- during your control of this house -- have you hadpractical reason to think liberty hazardous in the case of alunatic?""Here? -- in my own experience? -- why, I may say, yes. For example:-- no very long while ago, a singular circumstance occurred in thisvery house. The 'soothing system,' you know, was then in operation,and the patients were at large. They behaved remarkablywell-especially so, any one of sense might have known that somedevilish scheme was brewing from that particular fact, that thefellows behaved so remarkably well. And, sure enough, one finemorning the keepers found themselves pinioned hand and foot, andthrown into the cells, where they were attended, as if they were thelunatics, by the lunatics themselves, who had usurped the offices ofthe keepers.""You don't tell me so! I never heard of any thing so absurd in mylife!""Fact -- it all came to pass by means of a stupid fellow -- a lunatic-- who, by some means, had taken it into his head that he hadinvented a better system of government than any ever heard of before-- of lunatic government, I mean. He wished to give his invention atrial, I suppose, and so he persuaded the rest of the patients tojoin him in a conspiracy for the overthrow of the reigning powers.""And he really succeeded?""No doubt of it. The keepers and kept were soon made to exchangeplaces. Not that exactly either -- for the madmen had been free, butthe keepers were shut up in cells forthwith, and treated, I am sorryto say, in a very cavalier manner.""But I presume a counter-revolution was soon effected. This conditionof things could not have long existed. The country people in theneighborhood-visitors coming to see the establishment -- would havegiven the alarm.""There you are out. The head rebel was too cunning for that. Headmitted no visitors at all -- with the exception, one day, of a verystupid-looking young gentleman of whom he had no reason to be afraid.He let him in to see the place -- just by way of variety, -- to havea little fun with him. As soon as he had gammoned him sufficiently,he let him out, and sent him about his business.""And how long, then, did the madmen reign?""Oh, a very long time, indeed -- a month certainly -- how much longerI can't precisely say. In the meantime, the lunatics had a jollyseason of it -- that you may swear. They doffed their own shabbyclothes, and made free with the family wardrobe and jewels. Thecellars of the chateau were well stocked with wine; and these madmenare just the devils that know how to drink it. They lived well, I cantell you.""And the treatment -- what was the particular species of treatmentwhich the leader of the rebels put into operation?""Why, as for that, a madman is not necessarily a fool, as I havealready observed; and it is my honest opinion that his treatment wasa much better treatment than that which it superseded. It was a verycapital system indeed -- simple -- neat -- no trouble at all -- infact it was delicious it wasHere my host's observations were cut short by another series ofyells, of the same character as those which had previouslydisconcerted us. This time, however, they seemed to proceed frompersons rapidly approaching."Gracious heavens!" I ejaculated -- "the lunatics have mostundoubtedly broken loose.""I very much fear it is so," replied Monsieur Maillard, now becomingexcessively pale. He had scarcely finished the sentence, before loudshouts and imprecations were heard beneath the windows; and,immediately afterward, it became evident that some persons outsidewere endeavoring to gain entrance into the room. The door was beatenwith what appeared to be a sledge-hammer, and the shutters werewrenched and shaken with prodigious violence.A scene of the most terrible confusion ensued. Monsieur Maillard, tomy excessive astonishment threw himself under the side-board. I hadexpected more resolution at his hands. The members of the orchestra,who, for the last fifteen minutes, had been seemingly too muchintoxicated to do duty, now sprang all at once to their feet and totheir instruments, and, scrambling upon their table, broke out, withone accord, into, "Yankee Doodle," which they performed, if notexactly in tune, at least with an energy superhuman, during the wholeof the uproar.Meantime, upon the main dining-table, among the bottles and glasses,leaped the gentleman who, with such difficulty, had been restrainedfrom leaping there before. As soon as he fairly settled himself, hecommenced an oration, which, no doubt, was a very capital one, if itcould only have been heard. At the same moment, the man with theteetotum predilection, set himself to spinning around the apartment,with immense energy, and with arms outstretched at right angles withhis body; so that he had all the air of a tee-totum in fact, andknocked everybody down that happened to get in his way. And now, too,hearing an incredible popping and fizzing of champagne, I discoveredat length, that it proceeded from the person who performed the bottleof that delicate drink during dinner. And then, again, the frog-mancroaked away as if the salvation of his soul depended upon every notethat he uttered. And, in the midst of all this, the continuousbraying of a donkey arose over all. As for my old friend, MadameJoyeuse, I really could have wept for the poor lady, she appeared soterribly perplexed. All she did, however, was to stand up in acorner, by the fireplace, and sing out incessantly at the top of hervoice, "Cock-a-doodle-de-dooooooh!"And now came the climax -- the catastrophe of the drama. As noresistance, beyond whooping and yelling and cock-a-doodling, wasoffered to the encroachments of the party without, the ten windowswere very speedily, and almost simultaneously, broken in. But I shallnever forget the emotions of wonder and horror with which I gazed,when, leaping through these windows, and down among us pele-mele,fighting, stamping, scratching, and howling, there rushed a perfectarmy of what I took to be Chimpanzees, Ourang-Outangs, or big blackbaboons of the Cape of Good Hope.I received a terrible beating -- after which I rolled under a sofaand lay still. After lying there some fifteen minutes, during whichtime I listened with all my ears to what was going on in the room, Icame to same satisfactory denouement of this tragedy. MonsieurMaillard, it appeared, in giving me the account of the lunatic whohad excited his fellows to rebellion, had been merely relating hisown exploits. This gentleman had, indeed, some two or three yearsbefore, been the superintendent of the establishment, but grew crazyhimself, and so became a patient. This fact was unknown to thetravelling companion who introduced me. The keepers, ten in number,having been suddenly overpowered, were first well tarred, then --carefully feathered, and then shut up in underground cells. They hadbeen so imprisoned for more than a month, during which periodMonsieur Maillard had generously allowed them not only the tar andfeathers (which constituted his "system"), but some bread andabundance of water. The latter was pumped on them daily. At length,one escaping through a sewer, gave freedom to all the rest.The "soothing system," with important modifications, has been resumedat the chateau; yet I cannot help agreeing with Monsieur Maillard,that his own "treatment" was a very capital one of its kind. As hejustly observed, it was "simple -- neat -- and gave no trouble at all-- not the least."I have only to add that, although I have searched every library inEurope for the works of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether, I have, upto the present day, utterly failed in my endeavors at procuring anedition.
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