Three Sundays in a Week

by Edgar Allan Poe

　　

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YOU hard-headed, dunder-headed, obstinate, rusty, crusty, musty,fusty, old savage!" said I, in fancy, one afternoon, to my granduncle Rumgudgeon -- shaking my fist at him in imagination.Only in imagination. The fact is, some trivial discrepancy did exist,just then, between what I said and what I had not the courage to say-- between what I did and what I had half a mind to do.The old porpoise, as I opened the drawing-room door, was sitting withhis feet upon the mantel-piece, and a bumper of port in his paw,making strenuous efforts to accomplish the ditty.Remplis ton verre vide!Vide ton verre plein!"My dear uncle," said I, closing the door gently, and approaching himwith the blandest of smiles, "you are always so very kind andconsiderate, and have evinced your benevolence in so many -- so verymany ways -- that -- that I feel I have only to suggest this littlepoint to you once more to make sure of your full acquiescence.""Hem!" said he, "good boy! go on!""I am sure, my dearest uncle [you confounded old rascal!], that youhave no design really, seriously, to oppose my union with Kate. Thisis merely a joke of yours, I know -- ha! ha! ha! -- how very pleasantyou are at times.""Ha! ha! ha!" said he, "curse you! yes!""To be sure -- of course! I knew you were jesting. Now, uncle, allthat Kate and myself wish at present, is that you would oblige uswith your advice as -- as regards the time -- you know, uncle -- inshort, when will it be most convenient for yourself, that the weddingshall -- shall come off, you know?""Come off, you scoundrel! -- what do you mean by that? -- Better waittill it goes on.""Ha! ha! ha! -- he! he! he! -- hi! hi! hi! -- ho! ho! ho! -- hu! hu!hu!- that's good! -- oh that's capital -- such a wit! But all we wantjust now, you know, uncle, is that you would indicate the timeprecisely.""Ah! -- precisely?""Yes, uncle -- that is, if it would be quite agreeable to yourself.""Wouldn't it answer, Bobby, if I were to leave it at random -- sometime within a year or so, for example? -- must I say precisely?""If you please, uncle -- precisely.""Well, then, Bobby, my boy -- you're a fine fellow, aren't you? --since you will have the exact time I'll -- why I'll oblige you foronce:""Dear uncle!""Hush, sir!" [drowning my voice] -- I'll oblige you for once. Youshall have my consent -- and the plum, we mus'n't forget the plum --let me see! when shall it be? To-day's Sunday -- isn't it? Well,then, you shall be married precisely -- precisely, now mind! -- whenthree Sundays come together in a week! Do you hear me, sir! What areyou gaping at? I say, you shall have Kate and her plum when threeSundays come together in a week -- but not till then -- you youngscapegrace -- not till then, if I die for it. You know me -- I'm aman of my word -- now be off!" Here he swallowed his bumper of port,while I rushed from the room in despair.A very "fine old English gentleman," was my grand-uncle Rumgudgeon,but unlike him of the song, he had his weak points. He was a little,pursy, pompous, passionate semicircular somebody, with a red nose, athick scull, [sic] a long purse, and a strong sense of his ownconsequence. With the best heart in the world, he contrived, througha predominant whim of contradiction, to earn for himself, among thosewho only knew him superficially, the character of a curmudgeon. Likemany excellent people, he seemed possessed with a spirit oftantalization, which might easily, at a casual glance, have beenmistaken for malevolence. To every request, a positive "No!" was hisimmediate answer, but in the end -- in the long, long end -- therewere exceedingly few requests which he refused. Against all attacksupon his purse he made the most sturdy defence; but the amountextorted from him, at last, was generally in direct ratio with thelength of the siege and the stubbornness of the resistance. Incharity no one gave more liberally or with a worse grace.For the fine arts, and especially for the belles-lettres, heentertained a profound contempt. With this he had been inspired byCasimir Perier, whose pert little query "A quoi un poete est il bon?"he was in the habit of quoting, with a very droll pronunciation, asthe ne plus ultra of logical wit. Thus my own inkling for the Museshad excited his entire displeasure. He assured me one day, when Iasked him for a new copy of Horace, that the translation of "Poetanascitur non fit" was "a nasty poet for nothing fit" -- a remarkwhich I took in high dudgeon. His repugnance to "the humanities" had,also, much increased of late, by an accidental bias in favor of whathe supposed to be natural science. Somebody had accosted him in thestreet, mistaking him for no less a personage than Doctor Dubble L.Dee, the lecturer upon quack physics. This set him off at a tangent;and just at the epoch of this story -- for story it is getting to beafter all -- my grand-uncle Rumgudgeon was accessible and pacificonly upon points which happened to chime in with the caprioles of thehobby he was riding. For the rest, he laughed with his arms and legs,and his politics were stubborn and easily understood. He thought,with Horsley, that "the people have nothing to do with the laws butto obey them."I had lived with the old gentleman all my life. My parents, in dying,had bequeathed me to him as a rich legacy. I believe the old villainloved me as his own child -- nearly if not quite as well as he lovedKate -- but it was a dog's existence that he led me, after all. Frommy first year until my fifth, he obliged me with very regularfloggings. From five to fifteen, he threatened me, hourly, with theHouse of Correction. From fifteen to twenty, not a day passed inwhich he did not promise to cut me off with a shilling. I was a saddog, it is true -- but then it was a part of my nature -- a point ofmy faith. In Kate, however, I had a firm friend, and I knew it. Shewas a good girl, and told me very sweetly that I might have her (plumand all) whenever I could badger my grand-uncle Rumgudgeon, into thenecessary consent. Poor girl! -- she was barely fifteen, and withoutthis consent, her little amount in the funds was not come-at-ableuntil five immeasurable summers had "dragged their slow lengthalong." What, then, to do? At fifteen, or even at twenty-one [for Ihad now passed my fifth olympiad] five years in prospect are verymuch the same as five hundred. In vain we besieged the old gentlemanwith importunities. Here was a piece de resistance (as Messieurs Udeand Careme would say) which suited his perverse fancy to a T. Itwould have stiffed the indignation of Job himself, to see how muchlike an old mouser he behaved to us two poor wretched little mice. Inhis heart he wished for nothing more ardently than our union. He hadmade up his mind to this all along. In fact, he would have given tenthousand pounds from his own pocket (Kate's plum was her own) if hecould have invented any thing like an excuse for complying with ourvery natural wishes. But then we had been so imprudent as to broachthe subject ourselves. Not to oppose it under such circumstances, Isincerely believe, was not in his power.I have said already that he had his weak points; but in speaking ofthese, I must not be understood as referring to his obstinacy: whichwas one of his strong points -- "assurement ce n' etait pas safoible." When I mention his weakness I have allusion to a bizarreold-womanish superstition which beset him. He was great in dreams,portents, et id genus omne of rigmarole. He was excessivelypunctilious, too, upon small points of honor, and, after his ownfashion, was a man of his word, beyond doubt. This was, in fact, oneof his hobbies. The spirit of his vows he made no scruple of settingat naught, but the letter was a bond inviolable. Now it was thislatter peculiarity in his disposition, of which Kates ingenuityenabled us one fine day, not long after our interview in thedining-room, to take a very unexpected advantage, and, having thus,in the fashion of all modern bards and orators, exhausted inprolegomena, all the time at my command, and nearly all the room atmy disposal, I will sum up in a few words what constitutes the wholepith of the story.It happened then -- so the Fates ordered it -- that among the navalacquaintances of my betrothed, were two gentlemen who had just setfoot upon the shores of England, after a year's absence, each, inforeign travel. In company with these gentlemen, my cousin and I,preconcertedly paid uncle Rumgudgeon a visit on the afternoon ofSunday, October the tenth, -- just three weeks after the memorabledecision which had so cruelly defeated our hopes. For about half anhour the conversation ran upon ordinary topics, but at last, wecontrived, quite naturally, to give it the following turn:CAPT. PRATT. "Well I have been absent just one year. -- Just one yearto-day, as I live -- let me see! yes! -- this is October the tenth.You remember, Mr. Rumgudgeon, I called, this day year to bid yougood-bye. And by the way, it does seem something like a coincidence,does it not -- that our friend, Captain Smitherton, here, has beenabsent exactly a year also -- a year to-day!"SMITHERTON. "Yes! just one year to a fraction. You will remember, Mr.Rumgudgeon, that I called with Capt. Pratol on this very day, lastyear, to pay my parting respects."UNCLE. "Yes, yes, yes -- I remember it very well -- very queerindeed! Both of you gone just one year. A very strange coincidence,indeed! Just what Doctor Dubble L. Dee would denominate anextraordinary concurrence of events. Doctor Dub-"KATE. [Interrupting.] "To be sure, papa, it is something strange; butthen Captain Pratt and Captain Smitherton didn't go altogether thesame route, and that makes a difference, you know."UNCLE. "I don't know any such thing, you huzzy! How should I? I thinkit only makes the matter more remarkable, Doctor Dubble L. Dee-KATE. Why, papa, Captain Pratt went round Cape Horn, and CaptainSmitherton doubled the Cape of Good Hope."UNCLE. "Precisely! -- the one went east and the other went west, youjade, and they both have gone quite round the world. By the by,Doctor Dubble L. Dee-MYSELF. [Hurriedly.] "Captain Pratt, you must come and spend theevening with us to-morrow -- you and Smitherton -- you can tell usall about your voyage, and well have a game of whist and-PRATT. "Wist, my dear fellow -- you forget. To-morrow will be Sunday.Some other evening-KATE. "Oh, no. fie! -- Robert's not quite so bad as that. To-day'sSunday."PRATT. "I beg both your pardons -- but I can't be so much mistaken. Iknow to-morrow's Sunday, because-"SMITHERTON. [Much surprised.] "What are you all thinking about?Wasn't yesterday, Sunday, I should like to know?"ALL. "Yesterday indeed! you are out!"UNCLE. "To-days Sunday, I say -- don't I know?"PRATT. "Oh no! -- to-morrow's Sunday."SMITHERTON. "You are all mad -- every one of you. I am as positivethat yesterday was Sunday as I am that I sit upon this chair."KATE. [jumping up eagerly.] "I see it -- I see it all. Papa, this isa judgment upon you, about -- about you know what. Let me alone, andI'll explain it all in a minute. It's a very simple thing, indeed.Captain Smitherton says that yesterday was Sunday: so it was; he isright. Cousin Bobby, and uncle and I say that to-day is Sunday: so itis; we are right. Captain Pratt maintains that to-morrow will beSunday: so it will; he is right, too. The fact is, we are all right,and thus three Sundays have come together in a week."SMITHERTON. [After a pause.] "By the by, Pratt, Kate has uscompletely. What fools we two are! Mr. Rumgudgeon, the matter standsthus: the earth, you know, is twenty-four thousand miles incircumference. Now this globe of the earth turns upon its own axis-revolves -- spins round -- these twenty-four thousand miles ofextent, going from west to east, in precisely twenty-four hours. Doyou understand Mr. Rumgudgeon?-"UNCLE. "To be sure -- to be sure -- Doctor Dub-"SMITHERTON. [Drowning his voice.] "Well, sir; that is at the rate ofone thousand miles per hour. Now, suppose that I sail from thisposition a thousand miles east. Of course I anticipate the rising ofthe sun here at London by just one hour. I see the sun rise one hourbefore you do. Proceeding, in the same direction, yet anotherthousand miles, I anticipate the rising by two hours -- anotherthousand, and I anticipate it by three hours, and so on, until I goentirely round the globe, and back to this spot, when, having gonetwenty-four thousand miles east, I anticipate the rising of theLondon sun by no less than twenty-four hours; that is to say, I am aday in advance of your time. Understand, eh?"UNCLE. "But Double L. Dee-"SMITHERTON. [Speaking very loud.] "Captain Pratt, on the contrary,when he had sailed a thousand miles west of this position, was anhour, and when he had sailed twenty-four thousand miles west, wastwenty-four hours, or one day, behind the time at London. Thus, withme, yesterday was Sunday -- thus, with you, to-day is Sunday -- andthus, with Pratt, to-morrow will be Sunday. And what is more, Mr.Rumgudgeon, it is positively clear that we are all right; for therecan be no philosophical reason assigned why the idea of one of usshould have preference over that of the other."UNCLE. "My eyes! -- well, Kate -- well, Bobby! -- this is a judgmentupon me, as you say. But I am a man of my word -- mark that! youshall have her, boy, (plum and all), when you please. Done up, byJove! Three Sundays all in a row! I'll go, and take Dubble L. Dee'sopinion upon that."

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