Chosovi, Persian, 2009
It was a chill, rain-washed afternoon of a late August day, that indefiniteseason when partridges are still in security or cold storage, and there isnothing to hunt - unless one is bounded on the north by the Bristol Channel, inwhich case one may lawfully gallop after fat red stags. Lady Blemley's house-party was not bounded on the north by the Bristol Channel, hence there was afull gathering of her guests round the tea-table on this particular afternoon.And, in spite of the blankness of the season and the triteness of the occasion,there was no trace in the company of that fatigued restlessness which means adread of the pianola and a subdued hankering for auction bridge. The undisguisedopen-mouthed attention of the entire party was fixed on the homely negativepersonality of Mr. Cornelius Appin. Of all her guests, he was the one who hadcome to Lady Blemley with the vaguest reputation. Some one had said he was"clever," and he had got his invitation in the moderate expectation, on the partof his hostess, that some portion at least of his cleverness would becontributed to the general entertainment. Until tea-time that day she had beenunable to discover in what direction, if any, his cleverness lay. He was neithera wit nor a croquet champion, a hypnotic force nor a begetter of amateurtheatricals. Neither did his exterior suggest the sort of man in whom women arewilling to pardon a generous measure of mental deficiency. He had subsided intomere Mr. Appin, and the Cornelius seemed a piece of transparent baptismal bluff.And now he was claiming to have launched on the world a discovery beside whichthe invention of gunpowder, of the printing-press, and of steam locomotion wereinconsiderable trifles. Science had made bewildering strides in many directionsduring recent decades, but this thing seemed to belong to the domain of miraclerather than to scientific achievement.
"And do you really ask us to believe," Sir Wilfrid was saying, "that you havediscovered a means for instructing animals in the art of human speech, and thatdear old Tobermory has proved your first successful pupil?"
"It is a problem at which I have worked for the last seventeen years," said Mr.Appin, "but only during the last eight or nine months have I been rewarded withglimmerings of success. Of course I have experimented with thousands of animals,but latterly only with cats, those wonderful creatures which have assimilatedthemselves so marvellously with our civilization while retaining all theirhighly developed feral instincts. Here and there among cats one comes across anoutstanding superior intellect, just as one does among the ruck of human beings,and when I made the acquaintance of Tobermory a week ago I saw at once that Iwas in contact with a `Beyond-cat' of extraordinary intelligence. I had gone faralong the road to success in recent experiments; with Tobermory, as you callhim, I have reached the goal."
Mr. Appin concluded his remarkable statement in a voice which he strove todivest of a triumphant inflection. No one said "Rats," though Clovis's lipsmoved in a monosyllabic contortion which probably invoked those rodents ofdisbelief.
"And do you mean to say," asked Miss Resker, after a slight pause, "that youhave taught Tobermory to say and understand easy sentences of one syllable?"
"My dear Miss Resker," said the wonder-worker patiently, "one teaches littlechildren and savages and backward adults in that piecemeal fashion; when one hasonce solved the problem of making a beginning with an animal of highly developedintelligence one has no need for those halting methods. Tobermory can speak ourlanguage with perfect correctness."
This time Clovis very distinctly said, "Beyond-rats!" Sir Wilfrid was morepolite, but equally sceptical.
"Hadn't we better have the cat in and judge for ourselves?" suggested LadyBlemley.
Sir Wilfrid went in search of the animal, and the company settled themselvesdown to the languid expectation of witnessing some more or less adroit drawing-room ventriloquism.
In a minute Sir Wilfrid was back in the room, his face white beneath its tanand his eyes dilated with excitement. "By Gad, it's true!"
His agitation was unmistakably genuine, and his hearers started forward in athrill of awakened interest.
Collapsing into an armchair he continued breathlessly: "I found him dozing inthe smoking-room and called out to him to come for his tea. He blinked at me inhis usual way, and I said, 'Come on, Toby; don't keep us waiting'; and, by Gad!he drawled out in a most horribly natural voice that he'd come when he dashedwell pleased! I nearly jumped out of my skin!"
Appin had preached to absolutely incredulous hearers; Sir Wilfred's statementcarried instant conviction. A Babel-like chorus of startled exclamation arose,amid which the scientist sat mutely enjoying the first fruit of his stupendousdiscovery.
In the midst of the clamour Tobermory entered the room and made his way withvelvet tread and studied unconcern across to the group seated round the tea-table.
A sudden hush of awkwardness and constraint fell on the company. Somehow thereseemed an element of embarrassment in addressing on equal terms a domestic catof acknowledged mental ability.
"Will you have some milk, Tobermory?" asked Lady Blemley in a rather strainedvoice.
"I don't mind if I do," was the response, couched in a tone of evenindifference. A shiver of suppressed excitement went through the listeners, andLady Blemley might be excused for pouring out the saucerful of milk ratherunsteadily.
"I'm afraid I've spilt a good deal of it," she said apologetically.
"After all, it's not my Axminster," was Tobermory's rejoinder.
Another silence fell on the group, and then Miss Resker, in her best district-visitor manner, asked if the human language had been difficult to learn.Tobermory looked squarely at her for a moment and then fixed his gaze serenelyon the middle distance. It was obvious that boring questions lay outside hisscheme of life.
"What do you think of human intelligence?" asked Mavis Pellington lamely.
"Of whose intelligence in particular?" asked Tobermory coldly.
"Oh, well, mine for instance," said Mavis, with a feeble laugh.
"You put me in an embarrassing position," said Tobermory, whose tone andattitude certainly did not suggest a shred of embarrassment. "When yourinclusion in this house-party was suggested, Sir Wilfrid protested that you werethe most brainless woman of his acquaintance, and that there was a widedistinction between hospitality and the care of the feeble-minded. Lady Blemleyreplied that your lack of brain-power was the precise quality which had earnedyou your invitation, as you were the only person she could think of who might beidiotic enough to buy their old car. You know, the one they call 'The Envy ofSisyphus,' because it goes quite nicely up-hill if you push it."
Lady Blemley's protestations would have had greater effect if she had notcasually suggested to Mavis only that morning that the car in question would bejust the thing for her down at her Devonshire home.
Major Barfield plunged in heavily to effect a diversion.
"How about your carryings-on with the tortoise-shell puss up at the stables,eh?"
The moment he had said it every one realized the blunder.
"One does not usually discuss these matters in public," said Tobermoryfrigidly. "From a slight observation of your ways since you've been in thishouse I should imagine you'd find it inconvenient if I were to shift theconversation on to your own little affairs."
The panic which ensued was not confined to the Major.
"Would you like to go and see if cook has got your dinner ready?" suggestedLady Blemley hurriedly, affecting to ignore the fact that it wanted at least twohours to Tobermory's dinner-time.
"Thanks," said Tobermory, "not quite so soon after my tea. I don't want to dieof indigestion."
"Cats have nine lives, you know," said Sir Wilfrid heartily.
"Possibly", answered Tobermory; "but only one liver."
"Adelaide!" said Mrs. Cornett, "do you mean to encourage that cat to go out andgossip about us in the servants' hall?"
The panic had indeed become general. A narrow ornamental balustrade ran infront of most of the bedroom windows at the Towers, and it was recalled withdismay that this had formed a favourite promenade for Tobermory at all hours,whence he could watch the pigeons - and heaven knew what else besides. If heintended to become reminiscent in his present outspoken strain the effect wouldbe something more than disconcerting. Mrs. Cornett, who spent much time at hertoilet table, and whose complexion was reputed to be of a nomadic thoughpunctual disposition, looked as ill at ease as the Major. Miss Scrawen, whowrote fiercely sensuous poetry and led a blameless life, merely displayedirritation; if you are methodical and virtuous in private you don't necessarilywant every one to know it. Bertie van Tahn, who was so depraved at seventeenthat he had long ago given up trying to be any worse, turned a dull shade ofgardenia white, but he did not commit the error of dashing out of the room likeOdo Finsberry, a young gentleman who was understood to be reading for the Churchand who was possibly disturbed at the thought of scandals he might hearconcerning other people. Clovis had the presence of mind to maintain a composedexterior; privately he was calculating how long it would take to procure a boxof fancy mice through the agency of the Exchange and Mart as a species of hush-money.
Even in a delicate situation like the present, Agnes Resker could not endure toremain too long in the background.
"Why did I ever come down here?" she asked dramatically.
Tobermory immediately accepted the opening.
"Judging by what you said to Mrs. Cornett on the croquet-lawn yesterday, youwere out for food. You described the Blemleys as the dullest people to stay withthat you knew, but said they were clever enough to employ a first-rate cook;otherwise they'd find it difficult to get any one to come down a second time."
"There's not a word of truth in it! I appeal to Mrs. Cornett--" exclaimed thediscomfited Agnes.
"Mrs. Cornett repeated your remark afterwards to Bertie van Tahn," continuedTobermory, "and said, 'That woman is a regular Hunger Marcher; she'd go anywherefor four square meals a day,' and Bertie van Tahn said--"
At this point the chronicle mercifully ceased. Tobermory had caught a glimpseof the big yellow Tom from the Rectory working his way through the shrubberytowards the stable wing. In a flash he had vanished through the open Frenchwindow.
With the disappearance of his too brilliant pupil Cornelius Appin found himselfbeset by a hurricane of bitter upbraiding, anxious inquiry, and frightenedentreaty. The responsibility for the situation lay with him, and he must preventmatters from becoming worse. Could Tobermory impart his dangerous gift to othercats? was the first question he had to answer. It was possible, he replied, thathe might have initiated his intimate friend the stable puss into his newaccomplishment, but it was unlikely that his teaching could have taken a widerrange as yet.
"Then," said Mrs. Cornett, "Tobermory may be a valuable cat and a great pet;but I'm sure you'll agree, Adelaide, that both he and the stable cat must bedone away with without delay."
"You don't suppose I've enjoyed the last quarter of an hour, do you?" said LadyBlemley bitterly. "My husband and I are very fond of Tobermory - at least, wewere before this horrible accomplishment was infused into him; but now, ofcourse, the only thing is to have him destroyed as soon as possible."
"We can put some strychnine in the scraps he always gets at dinner-time," saidSir Wilfrid, "and I will go and drown the stable cat myself. The coachman willbe very sore at losing his pet, but I'll say a very catching form of mange hasbroken out in both cats and we're afraid of its spreading to the kennels."
"But my great discovery!" expostulated Mr. Appin; "after all my years ofresearch and experiment--"
"You can go and experiment on the short-horns at the farm, who are under propercontrol," said Mrs. Cornett, "or the elephants at the Zoological Gardens.They're said to be highly intelligent, and they have this recommendation, thatthey don't come creeping about our bedrooms and under chairs, and so forth."
An archangel ecstatically proclaiming the Millennium, and then finding that itclashed unpardonably with Henley and would have to be indefinitely postponed,could hardly have felt more crestfallen than Cornelius Appin at the reception ofhis wonderful achievement. Public opinion, however, was against him - in fact,had the general voice been consulted on the subject it is probable that a strongminority vote would have been in favour of including him in the strychnine diet.
Defective train arrangements and a nervous desire to see matters brought to afinish prevented an immediate dispersal of the party, but dinner that eveningwas not a social success. Sir Wilfrid had had rather a trying time with thestable cat and subsequently with the coachman. Agnes Resker ostentatiouslylimited her repast to a morsel of dry toast, which she bit as though it were apersonal enemy; while Mavis Pellington maintained a vindictive silencethroughout the meal. Lady Blemley kept up a flow of what she hoped wasconversation, but her attention was fixed on the doorway. A plateful ofcarefully dosed fish scraps was in readiness on the sideboard, but sweets andsavoury and dessert went their way, and no Tobermory appeared either in thedining-room or kitchen.
The sepulchral dinner was cheerful compared with the subsequent vigil in thesmoking-room. Eating and drinking had at least supplied a distraction and cloakto the prevailing embarrassment. Bridge was out of the question in the generaltension of nerves and tempers, and after Odo Finsberry had given a lugubriousrendering of "Melisande in the Wood" to a frigid audience, music was tacitlyavoided. At eleven the servants went to bed, announcing that the small window inthe pantry had been left open as usual for Tobermory's private use. The guestsread steadily through the current batch of magazines, and fell back gradually onthe "Badminton Library" and bound volumes of Punch. Lady Blemley made periodicvisits to the pantry, returning each time with an expression of listlessdepression which forestalled questioning.
At two o'clock Clovis broke the dominating silence.
"He won't turn up tonight. He's probably in the local newspaper office at thepresent moment, dictating the first instalment of his reminiscences. LadyWhat's-her-name's book won't be in it. It will be the event of the day."
Having made this contribution to the general cheerfulness, Clovis went to bed.At long intervals the various members of the house-party followed his example.
The servants taking round the early tea made a uniform announcement in reply toa uniform question. Tobermory had not returned.
Breakfast was, if anything, a more unpleasant function than dinner had been,but before its conclusion the situation was relieved. Tobermory's corpse wasbrought in from the shrubbery, where a gardener had just discovered it. From thebites on his throat and the yellow fur which coated his claws it was evidentthat he had fallen in unequal combat with the big Tom from the Rectory.
By midday most of the guests had quitted the Towers, and after lunch LadyBlemley had sufficiently recovered her spirits to write an extremely nastyletter to the Rectory about the loss of her valuable pet.
Tobermory had been Appin's one successful pupil, and he was destined to have nosuccessor. A few weeks later an elephant in the Dresden Zoological Garden, whichhad shown no previous signs of irritability, broke loose and killed anEnglishman who had apparently been teasing it. The victim's name was variouslyreported in the papers as Oppin and Eppelin, but his front name was faithfullyrendered Cornelius.
"If he was trying German irregular verbs on the poor beast," said Clovis, "hedeserved all he got."
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