Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter X

by Leo Tolstoy

　　During the entr'acte a whiff of cold air came into Helene's box, thedoor opened, and Anatole entered, stooping and trying not to brushagainst anyone.

　　"Let me introduce my brother to you," said Helene, her eyes shiftinguneasily from Natasha to Anatole.

　　Natasha turned her pretty little head toward the elegant youngofficer and smiled at him over her bare shoulder. Anatole, who wasas handsome at close quarters as at a distance, sat down beside herand told her he had long wished to have this happiness- ever since theNaryshkins' ball in fact, at which he had had the well-rememberedpleasure of seeing her. Kuragin was much more sensible and simple withwomen than among men. He talked boldly and naturally, and Natashawas strangely and agreeably struck by the fact that there wasnothing formidable in this man about whom there was so much talk,but that on the contrary his smile was most naive, cheerful, andgood-natured.

　　Kuragin asked her opinion of the performance and told her how at aprevious performance Semenova had fallen down on the stage.

　　"And do you know, Countess," he said, suddenly addressing her asan old, familiar acquaintance, "we are getting up a costumetournament; you ought to take part in it! It will be great fun. Weshall all meet at the Karagins'! Please come! No! Really, eh?" saidhe.

　　While saying this he never removed his smiling eyes from her face,her neck, and her bare arms. Natasha knew for certain that he wasenraptured by her. This pleased her, yet his presence made her feelconstrained and oppressed. When she was not looking at him she feltthat he was looking at her shoulders, and she involuntarily caught hiseye so that he should look into hers rather than this. But lookinginto his eyes she was frightened, realizing that there was not thatbarrier of modesty she had always felt between herself and othermen. She did not know how it was that within five minutes she had cometo feel herself terribly near to this man. When she turned away shefeared he might seize her from behind by her bare arm and kiss heron the neck. They spoke of most ordinary things, yet she felt thatthey were closer to one another than she had ever been to any man.Natasha kept turning to Helene and to her father, as if asking what itall meant, but Helene was engaged in conversation with a general anddid not answer her look, and her father's eyes said nothing but whatthey always said: "Having a good time? Well, I'm glad of it!"

　　During one of these moments of awkward silence when Anatole'sprominent eyes were gazing calmly and fixedly at her, Natasha, tobreak the silence, asked him how he liked Moscow. She asked thequestion and blushed. She felt all the time that by talking to him shewas doing something improper. Anatole smiled as though to encourageher.

　　"At first I did not like it much, because what makes a town pleasantce sont les jolies femmes,* isn't that so? But now I like it very muchindeed," he said, looking at her significantly. "You'll come to thecostume tournament, Countess? Do come!" and putting out his hand toher bouquet and dropping his voice, he added, "You will be theprettiest there. Do come, dear countess, and give me this flower asa pledge!"

　　*Are the pretty women.

　　Natasha did not understand what he was saying any more than he didhimself, but she felt that his incomprehensible words had animproper intention. She did not know what to say and turned away as ifshe had not heard his remark. But as soon as she had turned away shefelt that he was there, behind, so close behind her.

　　"How is he now? Confused? Angry? Ought I to put it right?" she askedherself, and she could not refrain from turning round. She lookedstraight into his eyes, and his nearness, self-assurance, and thegood-natured tenderness of his smile vanquished her. She smiled justas he was doing, gazing straight into his eyes. And again she feltwith horror that no barrier lay between him and her.

　　The curtain rose again. Anatole left the box, serene and gay.Natasha went back to her father in the other box, now quite submissiveto the world she found herself in. All that was going on before hernow seemed quite natural, but on the other hand all her previousthoughts of her betrothed, of Princess Mary, or of life in the countrydid not once recur to her mind and were as if belonging to a remotepast.

　　In the fourth act there was some sort of devil who sang waving hisarm about, till the boards were withdrawn from under him and hedisappeared down below. That was the only part of the fourth actthat Natasha saw. She felt agitated and tormented, and the cause ofthis was Kuragin whom she could not help watching. As they wereleaving the theater Anatole came up to them, called their carriage,and helped them in. As he was putting Natasha in he pressed her armabove the elbow. Agitated and flushed she turned round. He was lookingat her with glittering eyes, smiling tenderly.

　　Only after she had reached home was Natasha able clearly to thinkover what had happened to her, and suddenly remembering PrinceAndrew she was horrified, and at tea to which all had sat down afterthe opera, she gave a loud exclamation, flushed, and ran out of theroom.

　　"O God! I am lost!" she said to herself. "How could I let him?"She sat for a long time hiding her flushed face in her hands trying torealize what had happened to her, but was unable either tounderstand what had happened or what she felt. Everything seemed dark,obscure, and terrible. There in that enormous, illuminated theaterwhere the bare-legged Duport, in a tinsel-decorated jacket, jumpedabout to the music on wet boards, and young girls and old men, and thenearly naked Helene with her proud, calm smile, rapturously cried"bravo!"- there in the presence of that Helene it had all seemed clearand simple; but now, alone by herself, it was incomprehensible."What is it? What was that terror I felt of him? What is thisgnawing of conscience I am feeling now?" she thought.

　　Only to the old countess at night in bed could Natasha have told allshe was feeling. She knew that Sonya with her severe and simpleviews would either not understand it at all or would be horrified atsuch a confession. So Natasha tried to solve what was torturing her byherself.

　　"Am I spoiled for Andrew's love or not?" she asked herself, and withsoothing irony replied: "What a fool I am to ask that! What did happento me? Nothing! I have done nothing, I didn't lead him on at all.Nobody will know and I shall never see him again," she told herself."So it is plain that nothing has happened and there is nothing torepent of, and Andrew can love me still. But why 'still?' O God, whyisn't he here?" Natasha quieted herself for a moment, but again someinstinct told her that though all this was true, and though nothinghad happened, yet the former purity of her love for Prince Andrewhad perished. And again in imagination she went over her wholeconversation with Kuragin, and again saw the face, gestures, andtender smile of that bold handsome man when he pressed her arm.