Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XV

by Leo Tolstoy

　　On returning late in the evening Sonya went to Natasha's room, andto her surprise found her still dressed and asleep on the sofa. Openon the table, beside her lay Anatole's letter. Sonya picked it upand read it.

　　As she read she glanced at the sleeping Natasha, trying to find inher face an explanation of what she was reading, but did not findit. Her face was calm, gentle, and happy. Clutching her breast to keepherself from choking, Sonya, pale and trembling with fear andagitation, sat down in an armchair and burst into tears.

　　"How was it I noticed nothing? How could it go so far? Can shehave left off loving Prince Andrew? And how could she let Kuragin goto such lengths? He is a deceiver and a villain, that's plain! Whatwill Nicholas, dear noble Nicholas, do when he hears of it? So this isthe meaning of her excited, resolute, unnatural look the day beforeyesterday, yesterday, and today," thought Sonya. "But it can't be thatshe loves him! She probably opened the letter without knowing who itwas from. Probably she is offended by it. She could not do such athing!"

　　Sonya wiped away her tears and went up to Natasha, again scanningher face.

　　"Natasha!" she said, just audibly.

　　Natasha awoke and saw Sonya.

　　"Ah, you're back?"

　　And with the decision and tenderness that often come at the momentof awakening, she embraced her friend, but noticing Sonya's look ofembarrassment, her own face expressed confusion and suspicion.

　　"Sonya, you've read that letter?" she demanded.

　　"Yes," answered Sonya softly.

　　Natasha smiled rapturously.

　　"No, Sonya, I can't any longer!" she said. "I can't hide it from youany longer. You know, we love one another! Sonya, darling, hewrites... Sonya..."

　　Sonya stared open-eyed at Natasha, unable to believe her ears.

　　"And Bolkonski?" she asked.

　　"Ah, Sonya, if you only knew how happy I am!" cried Natasha. "Youdon't know what love is...."

　　"But, Natasha, can that be all over?"

　　Natasha looked at Sonya with wide-open eyes as if she could notgrasp the question.

　　"Well, then, are you refusing Prince Andrew?" said Sonya.

　　"Oh, you don't understand anything! Don't talk nonsense, justlisten!" said Natasha, with momentary vexation.

　　"But I can't believe it," insisted Sonya. "I don't understand. Howis it you have loved a man for a whole year and suddenly... Why, youhave only seen him three times! Natasha, I don't believe you, you'rejoking! In three days to forget everything and so..."

　　"Three days?" said Natasha. "It seems to me I've loved him a hundredyears. It seems to me that I have never loved anyone before. You can'tunderstand it.... Sonya, wait a bit, sit here," and Natasha embracedand kissed her.

　　"I had heard that it happens like this, and you must have heard ittoo, but it's only now that I feel such love. It's not the same asbefore. As soon as I saw him I felt he was my master and I hisslave, and that I could not help loving him. Yes, his slave!Whatever he orders I shall do. You don't understand that. What can Ido? What can I do, Sonya?" cried Natasha with a happy yet frightenedexpression.

　　"But think what you are doing," cried Sonya. "I can't leave itlike this. This secret correspondence... How could you let him go sofar?" she went on, with a horror and disgust she could hardly conceal.

　　"I told you that I have no will," Natasha replied. "Why can't youunderstand? I love him!"

　　"Then I won't let it come to that... I shall tell!" cried Sonya,bursting into tears.

　　"What do you mean? For God's sake... If you tell, you are my enemy!"declared Natasha. "You want me to be miserable, you want us to beseparated...."

　　When she saw Natasha's fright, Sonya shed tears of shame and pityfor her friend.

　　"But what has happened between you?" she asked. "What has he said toyou? Why doesn't he come to the house?"

　　Natasha did not answer her questions.

　　"For God's sake, Sonya, don't tell anyone, don't torture me,"Natasha entreated. "Remember no one ought to interfere in suchmatters! I have confided in you...."

　　"But why this secrecy? Why doesn't he come to the house?" askedSonya. "Why doesn't he openly ask for your hand? You know PrinceAndrew gave you complete freedom- if it is really so; but I don'tbelieve it! Natasha, have you considered what these secret reasons canbe?"

　　Natasha looked at Sonya with astonishment. Evidently this questionpresented itself to her mind for the first time and she did not knowhow to answer it.

　　"I don't know what the reasons are. But there must be reasons!"

　　Sonya sighed and shook her head incredulously.

　　"If there were reasons..." she began.

　　But Natasha, guessing her doubts, interrupted her in alarm.

　　"Sonya, one can't doubt him! One can't, one can't! Don't youunderstand?" she cried.

　　"Does he love you?"

　　"Does he love me?" Natasha repeated with a smile of pity at herfriend's lack of comprehension. "Why, you have read his letter and youhave seen him."

　　"But if he is dishonorable?"

　　"He! dishonorable? If you only knew!" exclaimed Natasha.

　　"If he is an honorable man he should either declare his intentionsor cease seeing you; and if you won't do this, I will. I will write tohim, and I will tell Papa!" said Sonya resolutely.

　　"But I can't live without him!" cried Natasha.

　　"Natasha, I don't understand you. And what are you saying! Thinkof your father and of Nicholas."

　　"I don't want anyone, I don't love anyone but him. How dare yousay he is dishonorable? Don't you know that I love him?" screamedNatasha. "Go away, Sonya! I don't want to quarrel with you, but go,for God's sake go! You see how I am suffering!" Natasha cried angrily,in a voice of despair and repressed irritation. Sonya burst intosobs and ran from the room.

　　Natasha went to the table and without a moment's reflection wrotethat answer to Princess Mary which she had been unable to write allthe morning. In this letter she said briefly that all theirmisunderstandings were at an end; that availing herself of themagnanimity of Prince Andrew who when he went abroad had given her hershe begged Princess Mary to forget everything and forgive her if shehad been to blame toward her, but that she could not be his wife. Atthat moment this all seemed quite easy, simple, and clear to Natasha.

　　On Friday the Rostovs were to return to the country, but onWednesday the count went with the prospective purchaser to hisestate near Moscow.

　　On the day the count left, Sonya and Natasha were invited to a bigdinner party at the Karagins', and Marya Dmitrievna took them there.At that party Natasha again met Anatole, and Sonya noticed that shespoke to him, trying not to be overheard, and that all throughdinner she was more agitated than ever. When they got home Natasha wasthe first to begin the explanation Sonya expected.

　　"There, Sonya, you were talking all sorts of nonsense about him,"Natasha began in a mild voice such as children use when they wish tobe praised. "We have had an explanation today."

　　"Well, what happened? What did he say? Natasha, how glad I am you'renot angry with me! Tell me everything- the whole truth. What did hesay?"

　　Natasha became thoughtful.

　　"Oh, Sonya, if you knew him as I do! He said... He asked me what Ihad promised Bolkonski. He was glad I was free to refuse him."

　　Sonya sighed sorrowfully.

　　"But you haven't refused Bolkonski?" said she.

　　"Perhaps I have. Perhaps all is over between me and Bolkonski. Whydo you think so badly of me?"

　　"I don't think anything, only I don't understand this..."

　　"Wait a bit, Sonya, you'll understand everything. You'll see whata man he is! Now don't think badly of me or of him. I don't thinkbadly of anyone: I love and pity everybody. But what am I to do?"

　　Sonya did not succumb to the tender tone Natasha used toward her.The more emotional and ingratiating the expression of Natasha's facebecame, the more serious and stern grew Sonya's.

　　"Natasha," said she, "you asked me not to speak to you, and Ihaven't spoken, but now you yourself have begun. I don't trust him,Natasha. Why this secrecy?"

　　"Again, again!" interrupted Natasha.

　　"Natasha, I am afraid for you!"

　　"Afraid of what?"

　　"I am afraid you're going to your ruin," said Sonya resolutely,and was herself horrified at what she had said.

　　Anger again showed in Natasha's face.

　　"And I'll go to my ruin, I will, as soon as possible! It's notyour business! It won't be you, but I, who'll suffer. Leave mealone, leave me alone! I hate you!"

　　Natasha!" moaned Sonya, aghast.

　　"I hate you, I hate you! You're my enemy forever!" And Natasha ranout of the room.

　　Natasha did not speak to Sonya again and avoided her. With thesame expression of agitated surprise and guilt she went about thehouse, taking up now one occupation, now another, and at onceabandoning them.

　　Hard as it was for Sonya, she watched her friend and did not let herout of her sight.

　　The day before the count was to return, Sonya noticed that Natashasat by the drawingroom window all the morning as if expectingsomething and that she made a sign to an officer who drove past,whom Sonya took to be Anatole.

　　Sonya began watching her friend still more attentively and noticedthat at dinner and all that evening Natasha was in a strange andunnatural state. She answered questions at random, began sentences shedid not finish, and laughed at everything.

　　After tea Sonya noticed a housemaid at Natasha's door timidlywaiting to let her pass. She let the girl go in, and then listening atthe door learned that another letter had been delivered.

　　Then suddenly it became clear to Sonya that Natasha had somedreadful plan for that evening. Sonya knocked at her door. Natasha didnot let her in.

　　"She will run away with him!" thought Sonya. "She is capable ofanything. There was something particularly pathetic and resolute inher face today. She cried as she said good-by to Uncle," Sonyaremembered. "Yes, that's it, she means to elope with him, but whatam I to do?" thought she, recalling all the signs that clearlyindicated that Natasha had some terrible intention. "The count isaway. What am I to do? Write to Kuragin demanding an explanation?But what is there to oblige him to reply? Write to Pierre, as PrinceAndrew asked me to in case of some misfortune?... But perhaps shereally has already refused Bolkonski- she sent a letter to PrincessMary yesterday. And Uncle is away...." To tell Marya Dmitrievna whohad such faith in Natasha seemed to Sonya terrible. "Well, anyway,"thought Sonya as she stood in the dark passage, "now or never I mustprove that I remember the family's goodness to me and that I loveNicholas. Yes! If I don't sleep for three nights I'll not leave thispassage and will hold her back by force and will and not let thefamily be disgraced," thought she.