Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XIX

by Leo Tolstoy

　　There was nothing in Pierre's soul now at all like what had troubledit during his courtship of Helene.

　　He did not repeat to himself with a sickening feeling of shame thewords he had spoken, or say: "Oh, why did I not say that?" and,"Whatever made me say 'Je vous aime'?" On the contrary, he nowrepeated in imagination every word that he or Natasha had spoken andpictured every detail of her face and smile, and did not wish todiminish or add anything, but only to repeat it again and again. Therewas now not a shadow of doubt in his mind as to whether what he hadundertaken was right or wrong. Only one terrible doubt sometimescrossed his mind: "Wasn't it all a dream? Isn't Princess Marymistaken? Am I not too conceited and self-confident? I believe allthis- and suddenly Princess Mary will tell her, and she will be sureto smile and say: 'How strange! He must be deluding himself. Doesn'the know that he is a man, just a man, while I...? I am somethingaltogether different and higher.'"

　　That was the only doubt often troubling Pierre. He did not nowmake any plans. The happiness before him appeared so inconceivablethat if only he could attain it, it would be the end of all things.Everything ended with that.

　　A joyful, unexpected frenzy, of which he had thought himselfincapable, possessed him. The whole meaning of life- not for him alonebut for the whole world- seemed to him centered in his love and thepossibility of being loved by her. At times everybody seemed to him tobe occupied with one thing only- his future happiness. Sometimes itseemed to him that other people were all as pleased as he washimself and merely tried to hide that pleasure by pretending to bebusy with other interests. In every word and gesture he sawallusions to his happiness. He often surprised those he met by hissignificantly happy looks and smiles which seemed to express asecret understanding between him and them. And when he realized thatpeople might not be aware of his happiness, he pitied them with hiswhole heart and felt a desire somehow to explain to them that all thatoccupied them was a mere frivolous trifle unworthy of attention.

　　When it was suggested to him that he should enter the civil service,or when the war or any general political affairs were discussed on theassumption that everybody's welfare depended on this or that issueof events, he would listen with a mild and pitying smile andsurprise people by his strange comments. But at this time he saweverybody- both those who, as he imagined, understood the real meaningof life (that is, what he was feeling) and those unfortunates whoevidently did not understand it- in the bright light of the emotionthat shone within himself, and at once without any effort saw ineveryone he met everything that was good and worthy of being loved.

　　When dealing with the affairs and papers of his dead wife, hermemory aroused in him no feeling but pity that she had not known thebliss he now knew. Prince Vasili, who having obtained a new post andsome fresh decorations was particularly proud at this time, seemedto him a pathetic, kindly old man much to be pitied.

　　Often in afterlife Pierre recalled this period of blissful insanity.All the views he formed of men and circumstances at this time remainedtrue for him always. He not only did not renounce them subsequently,but when he was in doubt or inwardly at variance, he referred to theviews he had held at this time of his madness and they always provedcorrect.

　　"I may have appeared strange and queer then," he thought, "but I wasnot so mad as I seemed. On the contrary I was then wiser and hadmore insight than at any other time, and understood all that isworth understanding in life, because... because I was happy."

　　Pierre's insanity consisted in not waiting, as he used to do, todiscover personal attributes which he termed "good qualities" inpeople before loving them; his heart was now overflowing with love,and by loving people without cause he discovered indubitable causesfor loving them.