Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter VIII

by Leo Tolstoy

　　Again Pierre was overtaken by the depression he so dreaded. Forthree days after the delivery of his speech at the lodge he lay on asofa at home receiving no one and going nowhere.

　　It was just then that he received a letter from his wife, whoimplored him to see her, telling him how grieved she was about him andhow she wished to devote her whole life to him.

　　At the end of the letter she informed him that in a few days shewould return to Petersburg from abroad.

　　Following this letter one of the Masonic Brothers whom Pierrerespected less than the others forced his way in to see him and,turning the conversation upon Pierre's matrimonial affairs, by wayof fraternal advice expressed the opinion that his severity to hiswife was wrong and that he was neglecting one of the first rules ofFreemasonry by not forgiving the penitent.

　　At the same time his mother-in-law, Prince Vasili's wife, sent tohim imploring him to come if only for a few minutes to discuss amost important matter. Pierre saw that there was a conspiracyagainst him and that they wanted to reunite him with his wife, andin the mood he then was, this was not even unpleasant to him.Nothing mattered to him. Nothing in life seemed to him of muchimportance, and under the influence of the depression that possessedhim he valued neither his liberty nor his resolution to punish hiswife.

　　"No one is right and no one is to blame; so she too is not toblame," he thought.

　　If he did not at once give his consent to a reunion with his wife,it was only because in his state of depression he did not feel able totake any step. Had his wife come to him, he would not have turnedher away. Compared to what preoccupied him, was it not a matter ofindifference whether he lived with his wife or not?

　　Without replying either to his wife or his mother-in-law, Pierrelate one night prepared for a journey and started for Moscow to seeJoseph Alexeevich. This is what he noted in his diary:

　　Moscow, 17th November

　　I have just returned from my benefactor, and hasten to write downwhat I have experienced. Joseph Alexeevich is living poorly and hasfor three years been suffering from a painful disease of thebladder. No one has ever heard him utter a groan or a word ofcomplaint. From morning till late at night, except when he eats hisvery plain food, he is working at science. He received me graciouslyand made me sit down on the bed on which he lay. I made the sign ofthe Knights of the East and of Jerusalem, and he responded in the samemanner, asking me with a mild smile what I had learned and gained inthe Prussian and Scottish lodges. I told him everything as best Icould, and told him what I had proposed to our Petersburg lodge, ofthe bad reception I had encountered, and of my rupture with theBrothers. Joseph Alexeevich, having remained silent and thoughtful fora good while, told me his view of the matter, which at once lit up forme my whole past and the future path I should follow. He surprisedme by asking whether I remembered the threefold aim of the order:(1) The preservation and study of the mystery. (2) The purificationand reformation of oneself for its reception, and (3) Theimprovement of the human race by striving for such purification. Whichis the principal aim of these three? Certainly self-reformation andself-purification. Only to this aim can we always strive independentlyof circumstances. But at the same time just this aim demands thegreatest efforts of us; and so, led astray by pride, losing sight ofthis aim, we occupy ourselves either with the mystery which in ourimpurity we are unworthy to receive, or seek the reformation of thehuman race while ourselves setting an example of baseness andprofligacy. Illuminism is not a pure doctrine, just because it isattracted by social activity and puffed up by pride. On this groundJoseph Alexeevich condemned my speech and my whole activity, and inthe depth of my soul I agreed with him. Talking of my family affairshe said to me, "the chief duty of a true Mason, as I have told you,lies in perfecting himself. We often think that by removing all thedifficulties of our life we shall more quickly reach our aim, but onthe contrary, my dear sir, it is only in the midst of worldly caresthat we can attain our three chief aims: (1) Self-knowledge- for mancan only know himself by comparison, (2) Self-perfecting, which canonly be attained by conflict, and (3) The attainment of the chiefvirtue- love of death. Only the vicissitudes of life can show us itsvanity and develop our innate love of death or of rebirth to a newlife." These words are all the more remarkable because, in spite ofhis great physical sufferings, Joseph Alexeevich is never weary oflife though he loves death, for which- in spite of the purity andloftiness of his inner man- he does not yet feel himselfsufficiently prepared. My benefactor then explained to me fully themeaning of the Great Square of creation and pointed out to me that thenumbers three and seven are the basis of everything. He advised me notto avoid intercourse with the Petersburg Brothers, but to take up onlysecond-grade posts in the lodge, to try, while diverting theBrothers from pride, to turn them toward the true pathself-knowledge and self-perfecting. Besides this he advised me formyself personally above all to keep a watch over myself, and to thatend he gave me a notebook, the one I am now writing in and in whichI will in future note down all my actions.

　　Petersburg, 23rd November

　　I am again living with my wife. My mother-in-law came to me in tearsand said that Helene was here and that she implored me to hear her;that she was innocent and unhappy at my desertion, and much more. Iknew that if I once let myself see her I should not have strength togo on refusing what she wanted. In my perplexity I did not knowwhose aid and advice to seek. Had my benefactor been here he wouldhave told me what to do. I went to my room and reread JosephAlexeevich's letters and recalled my conversations with him, anddeduced from it all that I ought not to refuse a suppliant, andought to reach a helping hand to everyone- especially to one soclosely bound to me- and that I must bear my cross. But if I forgiveher for the sake of doing right, then let union with her have only aspiritual aim. That is what I decided, and what I wrote to JosephAlexeevich. I told my wife that I begged her to forget the past, toforgive me whatever wrong I may have done her, and that I hadnothing to forgive. It gave me joy to tell her this. She need not knowhow hard it was for me to see her again. I have settled on the upperfloor of this big house and am experiencing a happy feeling ofregeneration.